A NEW YEAR ABOUT TO BEGIN IN TEN, NINE, EIGHT...

In ten,
nine,
eight,
seven...

Its only 5pm and I can already hear fireworks everywhere. People are getting excited about the coming year. Just earlier when I went our of the house to send money to my brothers through Western Union, there were so many people rushing about the street to and fro the market. Young coconut vendors are everywhere selling their produce and mothers are lining up to get their share. Buko salads would sure be overflowing later.

Yesterday, I rented three movies to keep company last night. I watched Idle Hands last night and I just finished Gothika and Almost Famous. My head is feeling a bit heavy from the long hours of being a couch potato. But I figured I needed to write something.

Mom called to confirm that they got the money and she also told me they were preparing something for the celebration. My sister is making a jelly which mom said was too liquidy or something. My youngest brother asked for money and Peter told to just walk and go home there. I miss my family. But I still don’t want to go home.

What will I do later? Hmmm… I’d probably get starting on that year-ender post that I am planning to write. Got the idea from Bhe. He is writing one too for his blog. Malate gimmick didn’t push through last night but Jaime kept me company so it was fine. So I am also thinking maybe there’s a party or something there that I could attend to. Too bad I got nobody to go with. Maybe I’ll have coffee later. Undecided yet of what to do.

Well to everyone, YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME THIS NEW YEAR’S EVE AND MAY THE NEXT YEAR BE FULL OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE.

THE SHIP FINALLY SANK

Have you ever had the feeling that everything is falling apart? Exactly. That is how I felt during my recent stay in the office. It started okay. I mean, there were still ten of us, nobody had still given up and I was being called Mr. Perky. Then we were sent in one room for the examination. But first Erik (trainer) asked about our supposedly holiday break which was more like a sugar-coated pre-termination procedure for me. It seems like a big plan of cutting off the number of employees and unfortunately, we were the first class to undergo it. The pioneer, in other words. I’d stick with the latter. Sounds better, right? So most of us were somehow appreciative of the break because they got to spend Christmas with their loved ones. Two of us, however, had to contend with instant foods from 7-11, me and Lali (Ela on the floor) coz we were both alone in our houses. All in the spirit of Christmas, right? Lame I know, but hey, at least we tried.

Then came the long discussion about the tsunami that hit South Asia. Actually I wasn’t aware about the news until I went to the office two days later. And everybody was talking about it I was like, hey, what movie is that? Is that the new thing from Spielberg?

We were told to get ready and Erik had a set of papers on his hands. Then he asked me if somebody already discussed to me the things I missed during the first training. I said no, which is the truth by the way and he refused to let me take the exam. Then what am I suppose to do then? Buddy-up with a tenured agent for the whole shift, a total of 8 hours. BORING…

The first few hours were fine. I had “buddied-up” with Hyge, this girl who I think has a crush on Rome. She was fun and so my stay with her was fine. I would always sneak out of the office to go down and smoke and it would be okay with her. There’s nothing she could do really, I guess. Then I saw Jack who was on the verge of crying. Apparently, she just read my goodbye email. So after my, I think fourth yosi break, I looked for her and “buddied-up” with her.

The nine people left in the training room also had their certification (actual calls) that shift. After they were done, they were told to call the office for their next schedule but definitely, they won’t be going to office in New Year and the rest of the holiday.

I felt so left out. That time I really felt so alone. I was with nobody and my co-trainees were already ahead of me. so I asked Erik if I could have my first-day training today since it is my day-off. He said NO. I have to wait for the next batch which was gonna be trained on the second week of January. Hear that? Second week of January!!! What the hell am I suppose to do? he told me I would be probably doing some admin stuff like cutting some papers for notes, and all those boring stuff. I held my tears hard that time. I didn’t wanna cry. So I just said, OK and I was back to being perky. But this time it was so difficult. It finally sank in to me the gravity of the situation. I almost wanted to resign right there and then. But then there’s the bond. I don’t wanna pay the company 45,000 Php, do I?

So it’s my day-off from work today. Called the office for my next schedule and I am to come back on Sunday 8pm. Maybe I’ll just sleep another year away.

TOO MUCH NEGATIVE ENERGY… GOTTA BE PEEERRRKY!!!

Just came home from work. I’m allotting 2 to 3 hours of internet usage today before I hit the sack.

I am both happy and sad with what my office day turned out. I am happy because I knew that other people share my sentiments and frustrations at work about what happened. I am also happy that I got some email from my co-trainees who are in other programs greeting me for my birthday. I am happy because my co-employees, especially those I have had training with emailed me and said that they are afraid they are gonna be next on the list of people who are being pulled out from the floor. This somehow made me not-so-bad about myself. But still, what happened was really bad. I mean REALLY BAD. Big bold capital letters. Dig me?

I am sad however because amongst the 10 people (including me) who got pulled out first, I think I have the least chance of ever going back on the floor. These people are, should I vaguely put it, okay. These are the ones I would have looked up coz I have listened to some of their calls and they were great. Robin (a more tenured CSA*) told me earlier that however good your calls are for the day if you had one bad call and that call happened to be the one monitored by the quality assurance people (now these are bad people, really bad people), it could ruin the rest of your calls. And I believe her. That’s the risk we take and we can’t do anything about it. From the very beginning, we were told about that and that I can not dispute against.

The office seems so unfamiliar, so cold and so uninviting. It felt as if people were looking at you with piercing eyes reducing you to this tiny dust that suddenly you feel so useless and unwanted. That is how I feel until now. The program doesn’t want me anymore, that the program wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.

The rest of the re-trainees were so mad and depressed, someone even cut her hair short because of depression last Christmas, and that the atmosphere earlier was so negative. So negative that nobody was smiling or being friendly. I just had to be perky for the group so as to keep all of our sanity, if ever I still have one. I even told them that we should have a team name. One suggested we go for The Boobitas (meaning bobo, in English, DUMB), another one opted for The Pasaways. And so everytime I see an opportunity, I would always shout “perky!!!” with matching clap and a jump. “Perky! Perky! Get Peeeerrrky!,” went my line. But deep inside I wasn’t. I share what they have and I know exactly how it feels. It’s like you were blown away to space without any gear and you slowly suffocate to your death.

I emailed some friends earlier basically saying my goodbyes just in case. And Honey (co-trainee who happens to be in the same program) read it before her shift which was at the end of mine. I saw her crying in one corner while facing the computer. I asked why. She replied, Kababasa ko lang ng email mo (I just read your email). I wanted to cry as well but I had to stay strong for both of us, for the rest of us. I didn’t want other people to see me cry coz when I cry I feel so vulnerable, I feel I’m giving myself away to people I barely know.

It’s sad but life has to go on. Or like I always say, we could always kill ourselves. I’d rather have the first option.

If it’s gonna be a green light for me, I would feel really bad. But I can’t push myself to something that doesn’t fit me. Rainbows don’t always have a pot of gold at the end. Sometimes they have sh*t waiting for you to be stepped on.

I have a very low self-esteem or self-confidence that’s why. When people say something bad about me, I usually accept it, no questions asked. That’s me. Gotta deal with it. You don’t know how hard it is to deal with me everyday. You just don’t know…

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CSA* - customer service associate (this is who I am)

I AM BACK TO WORK

Finally, after almost a week without work I am back to the office. My shift starts at 8pm today and ends at 5am tomorrow. Pretty neat compared to my last schedule which starts early in the morning. With a schedule like this, I can cover most of the hours with night differential pay. Hahaha… Now I wonder how much I’ll get in my next salary. Hmmm…

The phone rang last night (or was it early in the AM) and it was Jaime from Downelink. Told me he’s been calling me for ages and nobody’s picking up the phone. He was bored and awake so he decided to ring me up hoping I’d be awake. Fortunately for him I was awaken with the phone ring which was set to the highest level. I wasn’t feeling very well, since I was sick right? But I still entertained the call. He seemed pretty fun to talk with with all his ectasy-induced hyperactiveness.

I was also surprised to hear that he thinks that I am so conceited. Am I? Truly, am I? Apparently, there were things I said to him and led him to think that way. And I was really caught off-guard. I dunno. Maybe I can be conceited at times, unconsciously but in real life I really ain’t. Or I would like to believe so.

It was me who gave up from the conversation (new I know) coz I really felt sleepy and I needed to rest for work today and I was sick for crying out loud. I need to regain some of my strength, if ever there is left.

Hay.. about work again, I really ain’t excited because I don’t know what I’ll do later. I hope Emor’s gonna be there so there’s someone I could talk to and smoke with. Hayyy… Life… sucks I know, but we’ll have to live it anyhow… or we can always kill ourselves. I’ll stick with the former. I have much to high hopes still running in my system.

ARAY !!!

I was checking my guestbook just now because I was gonna send email to all those who left me a message there and then I saw this one particular message which left me crying again... I also checked my Friendzy account and there right in front of me, waiting to be read...

i just cant stand not being connected to you... i miss you... i just have to say, i love you so much... message sent @ 7:01 pm - Sunday,April 25, 2004

YOU-- *remind me of coffee, u perk me up *remind me of false teeth (if i had one) i cant smile w/o you *remind me of a car, to drive me crazy *at night, when i switch off my lamp and i see the bulb, i remember you, coz u light up my life. HEY call it chessy, passe, or corny but it's still something... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/15/2004 7:16:58 AM

...i dont know where to begin now...you are my reason to be happy...you are the someone id like to be with for the rest of my life...and you ian are so special... and i must say, you complete me and hope you be ahppy with me, coz im sure i am very happy with you. there mere thought of you gives me shivers and this warm fuzzy feeling inside that i just love getting. and looking at you just makes me feel so lucky that i met you...i just cant help but bare my soul out here to let them all know i care for you so much... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/26/2004 5:32:41 AM

AIYAN--you take my breath away, and heck you just took the words right outta my heart. la na ko masabi sweetie. naunahan mo na ako. as always... I LOVE YOU AIYAN. akin lang sya, id kill anyone stupid enough to get in the middle of what we have. kiddin' sweetie, ya' know i wouldnt do that. wabyu yanyan... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 5/4/2004 1:18:47 AM

after a long time...
i cant even count the days when i last laid eyes on you. i cant even think of ways on how to make it up to you.i feel so useless. are we just victims of circunstance aiyan?!i miss smelling you around me, i miss all the things id usually experience when im with you. i just miss you. i miss loving you upfront. im tired of loving you from afar although i have to bear withthat for a while.i love you. Friendzy message sent @ 6/28/2004 7:46:06 AM

pssst...
i know weve had no contact for the past days.i do miss you. i just wanna handle my problems alone muna.am not mad at you.i just want time for myself to straighten things out in my life my way with no one interfering.not that you do.i love you.i want you to do good in your work and try staying longer in one company as it will reflect in your employment record if you keep jumping from one co. to another.ok?we'll have time together real soon.and i do want to talk about that the blogs you post on the net. i have seen it you know. i just want to clear something out regarding that matter.i know you love me and all, but there are things where some line have to be drawn. soon...TC Friendzy message sent @ 7/11/2004 6:53:12 AM

i dont know...
reading that message, just got me more confused. im not really trying to break up with you, although that has crossed my mind recently (for reasons still unclear to me) i am a very confused person, i guess the time we spent on email wasnt enough for us to get to know each other that well. i may look simple, but i believe i am a very complex person with lots of internal issues that have yet to be resolved. that makes my actual persona a liability to the people i come in contact with. if i am gonna be breaking up with you, i wouldnt do it over email, ill save you the irony of us meeting and parting in friendzy. i am man enough to do that upfront. i am so torn between the fact that you are so affectionate and love me so much and the fact that you love me sooo much and that i cannot even match that. it makes me feel so incompetent in this relationship. i dont want you to fall victim to my personal issues, as i have been trying to deal with myself since i was young. and i dont like the idea that our relationship is one-way since you appear to be more into "us" than i am; that is with the fact also that we are so far from each other and that our work habits prevent us from being with each other often.i love you but i guess not at the same level that you love me. not that i love you less but i love my special someone in my own way. i just dont know how to explain it. we'll talk this over.just let me think and come up with a decision, if i didnt love you id tell you.(and i did kiss you on the lips, i just cant count how many times) Friendzy message sent @ 7/12/2004 8:22:37 AM

Iiyak na naman ako. Pasko pa naman. And everbody thinks you're supposed to be happy during the holidays....

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Anyways, like I mentioned, I sent out email to those who visited my website and dropped me a message in my guestbook. To all of you, Maraming maraming salamat po.

THERE WILL BE NO SEX TODAY, I GUESS

I woke up sick today. I felt like I had just got out of a roller coaster ride. My head all spinning and sh*t. I was awaken by a telephone ring. It was Mike. The guy who was supposed to go here last night but was too afraid he’d be lost. So he decided to come over today instead. I wanted to take a rain check but I did not. Maybe this headache will pass after I drink medicine. Well, I told him to call first before he leaves and then I’ll decide.

I was compelled to eat that oatmeal with cranberries and nuts on the top of the fridge. The stores in the village are closed and I didn’t want to go out and buy food at 7-11. And mind you, I did put on it real milk with a tinge of coffee of course. Have I told you that I am lactose-intolerant? Everytime I would drink milk, plain, I would always vomit. But I wanted to be fine so I tried hard taking in that cereal. It went fine. Did finish half of it. The rest I threw away in the garbage.

I have an 8-5 shift tomorrow. I ain’t sure if it’s morning or evening. Better call the office again later.

I called the office for my sched yesterday and Raul (Chadwick in real life) told me he couldn’t find my sched so he’d call back after an hour. Which he did, not after an hour. About two I guess. He’s really cute btw. He speaks Spanish and we both came from the same university. I also heard he teaches part time in our school. And so I read, he drives a BMW. Whooow! Lucky girls you are. Too bad he’s straight.

I updated my Downelink.com page yesterday. I got so inspired by what Michael did to his page that I almost patterned mine to him without Enya singing in the background. I put that here in my blog instead. You better see it. My email addy is shoplifter23@yahoo.com if you have a Downelink account.

Also yesterday, somebody from Connexion.org promised to buy me a brand new phone. Hahaha. Asked him thrice if he was serious and he said yes. He’s 24 pr 26, can’t really remember. I suddenly remembered Ken, that 62-year old guy who really loved me and gave me a lot. But I couldn’t stick to that relationship coz he’s too old. I hardly even call it one because all I wanted from him was the luxury he was giving me or letting me experience. Talk about a high-end user, huh?! And my friends call me an international whore. I am flattered really coz it takes a lot to be one you know. Hahaha…

I also have exceeded Friendster.com’s allowable number of friends so I made a new account. Do add my account if you want. My email addy for that is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.

My head still feels heavy. I guess there will be no sex of whatever form today. Hayyy… maybe I’ll just lie in bed for the rest of the day. But then again, that’s what I have been doing for the past five days, right?!

BEING ALONE AND GAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

All this SEB’s* and sex over the phone is already making me sick. I don’t know what I want anymore. Is it just someone to fuck or am I looking for something more? Okay, sex is fun and all but there comes a time when you feel like you are so used up and wasted that you want to just stop and stay numb for a while. After you get off and your libido is on the low, you question Did I like that? Or Was that what I wanted to happen?

And it’s Christmas for God sake! All I could think about is sex. This is what happens when you don’t have work and you have the house on your own which comes with unlimited internet connection. Now everyone on every gay chatrooms knows who you are and you build this reputation that you are a player and that you suck at relationships. I dunno if I do. Ask my ex’s.

But not all guys in the chatroom I want to have just sex with. When you see their pics and you realize how cute they are and then you automatically consider them as a boofie material. But then again, they won’t like you coz your slim and your ugly and sh*t.

It’s a stiff competition out there. If your ugly and don’t have at least a tint of sex appeal then you are OUT! You’re bound to spend the rest of your potent life with your palms as the only source of recreation.. or you could always kill yourself.

Relationship or otherwise, like one-night stand, perfect guys (or so those you think were) would come and go and leave you with your dick hanging limp. Most gay guys know neither commitment nor loyalty, especially the young ones. And include me as one of them coz I am guilty myself. But then again, those of us who remains hopeful to love will always give spare time to have one more guy on our bed wishing they would stay the next day in our lives. Dream on baby!

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SEB* - sex eyeball

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Another lonely Christmas is on its way 6 hours from now. And where will I be? Alone here in the house in my white torn pajamas in front of this computer hoping that there are souls out there sharing my sentiments. Maybe we will gather up in cyberworld and have our own little merry Christmas... less the hamon and spaghetti of course.

For the rest of the world, have a Merry Merry Christmas!!!

SO MUCH FOR A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Just when I thought everything's gonna be just fine. I definitely thought wrong. What was I thinking?!

It's already hard that the numbers are slowly going up and then you know everything's so fucked-up all of a sudded. Today's my day-off from work right? Which constitutes a 9-hour shift from 12:30am - 9:30am. But I was absent yesterday so I didn't know what was going on in the office.

I go there, all enthusiastic and sh*t for my 12:30am shift tomorrow and I find out that I was pulled out from the floor for a focus-training (whateva they call it) that was scheduled earlier today at 7am - 4pm.

So I enter the office and I begin noticing the people who used to be so perky and sh*t towards me are the same people who couldn't look me in the eye. I look for Emor but he ain't there. Then I leave my stuff in one of my officemate's station and she tells me I shouldn't be there, that I am suppose to have a traning. I get all cranked-up, my heart beating faster than normal and I know something's wrong. Then I start reading my emails but there isn't a clue of what is going on.

I figured maybe I could use MJ's phone so I go to her place and then finds out she isn't there though the lights are on. I go back to the office and talk to the supervisor and she hasn't got a clue. Then I ask another one and fortunately she is kind enough and connects me to my TL's mobile (team leader). TL tells me he sent a message to my mobile and I say I haven't received it since my phone's busted. TL explains what the situation is and the worst part is, I, together with Emor and 8 others were pulled out from the floor for that f*cking training because our scorecards are way below passing. That we might be terminated from the program if we don't pass another certification. I try to sound perky and okay and composed but deep inside I want to scream "hell!" and just walk-out from that place which suddenly felt unfamiliar. I feel I don't belong in that place anymore.

Then I find out I am gonna spend the rest of the week at home including Christmas because they changed the schedule. Waaaa... I feel so clueless like a little boy lost in a zoo.

And now I am home, my tummy aching, my heart clouded with tears, and my hopes six -eet under.

So much for a happy birthday huh?

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By the way, I would like to thank my TL, MJ, Jen and Jhen for the greetings. Thanks. You're my consolation in this so fucked-up world of mine who keeps pulling me from insanity.

WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

It's my 22nd birthday! I still can't believe im this old. I feel like I am onyl 18. Hahahaha. Dream on Ian. Got a call from Papa (biological dad) earlier. Also talked to Toto and Nene and my Tita and grandma (remember her?) Mama told me she's cooking something for my birthday. Haha. As if I can get eat it. We are like an ocean away.

I got a gift from Bhe. It's a red undies from Bench. Just like the one I gave Marvin. Hahaha. Bhe spent the night here too. I think he got mad of something. I just ain't sure. Got to check his blog later.

To all of you you who greeted me, thank you. It has been another year of fun and laughters, of tears and drama, of heartaches and heartbreaks, of sex and lots of sex. Hahahaha... Love you all.

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Thanks to:
Bhe, Raymond, Mayee, Cairo, The Paradox, Howie, to my Friendster, Connexion, Downelink friends, and to all of those I forgot to mention, Maraming salamat po. :)

OF BIRTHDAYS AND STUFF

Brew is turning 22.

At exactly 7 hours and 51 seconds from now. I am going to be a year older. I just hope a year wiser too. This is the third year I am celebrating (or lack thereof) my birthday alone in this house. It isn’t really a big thing anymore. For me birthday celebrations are just an excuse to get drunk, get laid and get drunk again. And I don’t have anything against that. In fact, if I get lucky maybe I’ll celebrate it that way. And it seems fate is on my side that I got a day off from work tomorrow. Gotta look for someone to celebrate it with. Bhe’s coming over later. And he told me he has a gift for me. I am excited.

Wheew! I am surprised with how many people greeted me so far. Especially from Friendster.com and other community sites. There was this 26-year old guy who promised me a new cellphone as a gift when he comes back to Manila after Christmas. Haha. I hope he’s not playing. Though I am not really hoping.

Well it’s my birthday and I am broke. Haven’t saved enough money to go out from last week’s salary. I bought my brothers their tickets home and some pasalubong for my two other siblings back home. I even had to borrow money from Emor and AJ. But what the heck! I’ll pay them on the 30th.

And by the way, I overslept earlier, that’s why I wasn’t been able to go to work today. I just hope I don’t get terminated anytime soon. Not when I already passed the certification.

I also made a new friend at work. Her name is Ina. And she looks a lot like Katya Santos of Viva Hot Babes. Haha. At first I thought she was a snob, until she helped me with a call I had regarding a fraudulent cheque. Then we started talking at Outlook. She also smokes which is good because I would always invite her to smoke when I am on break. I also told her that I am gonna be alone this New Year and that I asked my supervisor for a shift on that day. She even invited me out before my shift on New Year which is more or less gonna be around 2am. Well, I guess she just felt sorry for me. but she’s very cool!

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY...

Christmas is near.

And so is my birthday.

For the past three years I have spent thse so-called happy occassions alone in a house full of nothing. It's not like I did not have a choice or anything. In fact I did. The reason? It's personal. It's complicated.

It doesn't matter really, if I am gonna spent it alone with the rats and roaches at home or with anybody. I'd probably do what I have been doing for three years. I'll sleep these occasions away.

But wait. There's work. I could go and work on holidays. Well, this is better than feeling all messed-up, unloved, and bitter at home with a pillow as an only refuge. And I get to be paid double. I just hope I can convince my supervisor to let me work on both new year and chritmas.

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I finally met up with Bhe the other day during my day-off. I waited for him at Figaro. SM Manila after I bought boat tickets for my brothers who went home yesterday afternoon. Had lunch at Shakey's. Slept at his place. Watched Stepford's Wives and Butterfly Effect. I don't need to tell you what else happened. I am just happy I saw him again.

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Check out my new office outlook signature. Now isn't this cool?

BULLSHIT

Just had lunch. Well, I dunno if you could call it lunch but I had a pandesal I got earlier from 7-11. It was supposed to be for my last break but I thought I’d eat it anyway. And I did. I have 30 minutes more left of my lunch break so im writing this post.

Somebdoy in the office named Jeremy just gave me a key chain with an image of Mother Mary. I was thankful of course. He gave several others the same thing. Maybe he did not know that I am not a catholic nor do I go to church. Nonetheless, I was grateful. That was sweet of him.

Can’t wait for later. I am getting my 15th day salary. I wonder how much I will get.

Mama called yesterday but apparently I wasn’t home yet. My brother, John-john told me that my ever so evil (pardon for the tem, couldn’t help it) grandma was asking her for the money we owe her. And we haven’t got anything. And it is causing a lot of trouble back home. Mom and dad are fighting because of this.

So I immediately borrowed my cousin’s phone, inserted my sim and then called mom up. I was answered by someone who I thought was mom crying. I was surprised and I immediately asked why she was sobbing. Turned out it was my sister who answered the phone and that she wasn’t crying at all. Active listening. Ahehehehe… another mark down if I were at work.

I talked to my mom for like 30 minutes about why grandma was asking her money when in fact its them (their side including her other children) who owes us money. I still remember when mom got a maturity loan like three years ago worth 100,000 pesos. The money wa ssupposed to be spent for a computer for me and other school needs. But they borrowed the money and until now, they haven’t returned a single cent. They have forgotten about it and now they’re like asking us for the money we owe them? BULLSHIT!

Well mom, being the ever so nice and God-fearing woman that she is, just wouldn’t fight back. She told me, Huwag na anak. Bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila. (Don’t worry about it son. Just let God do the judging.) I found it very unfair. How can they insult us like this when in fact it is us who should be doing this to them. I just don’t see the point. I told her that if this happens again, she’d have to call me. I’ll make the move. She insisted her point.

For as long as I can remember, they always looked at us differently from the rest of her grandchildren and family members. Remember when I wrote about an instance where we were having dinner and then grandma told me Ikaw lang ang Fainsan na ganyan. Nakakahiya ka. (You are a shame to this family) This was because of my several peircings on my face and my being gay I guess had something to do with that. I told ger in return, Hayaan mo, pagnakagraduate na ako, magpapapalit ako ng apelyido. Gagawin ko na Fortaleza. (Don’t worry. When I graduate I would change my last name to Fortaleza*) Then I hurriedly went to my room, locked the door and read something.

There was time too when every month we get sacks of rice from dad’s part in the land my grandpa owned. Then came a day when we haven’t received anything. It turned out, they sold dad’s part so their youngest daughter could put up a house in Cavite. We didn’t care. We let it go. Then we knew that our house was a collateral in some transaction grandma did.

Bullshit right? And we weren’t suppose to say anything with regards to that. Not even slap it to my granma’s face which I was so wanting to do during the call with my mom. But I pity grandma. She is losing everything now. Karma is what I would like to call it.

Of course, at the end of the day, I don’t want to see any of my family members, and its extension, losing everything. But if they keep doing this to us, especially my mom, they’ll have to deal with me.

* Fortaleza – Mom’s maiden name which is also my middle name

FOR BHE

Haven't had enough sleep today. After my shift around 12:30PM earlier, I met up with Jen (from PET) . The three of us (with Emor) watched "One Missed Call" after. I was so sleepy then. All I wanted to do was to just let my eyes shut. But I couldn't. I was inseide the movie house, might as well enjoy what was being shown. The usual Asian horror-flick with a lot of hairs and crazy little kids. A lot of scary eyes too accompanied by a nerve-wrecking sound effect. The movie basically did it's goal - to scare people. I was shocked once or twice but Emor and Jen (I was in between them) were like little kids afraid for the dark, screaming at every turn of the flick. I wasn't that scared though. Maybe I was already numb. I have been watching horror flicks since time immemorial and it would take more than a movie to scare me off. I am not saying that I am this brave gay guy who ain't afraid of the dark. Oh no. Trust me, I am a coward in my own right. Always running away from the dark, form seclusion.

Anyways, Jen slept in my place today. For three hours till my brother woke us up for our shift today. Arrived in Eastwood around 1AM, had dinner, smoked some sticks and then parted. She is stationed in another building from me. Her shift starts the same as mine.

Before Jen and me went home, we had to drop by her place to get some clothes and stuff. We also surfed the internet for about half an hour, just enough to read Bhe's blog. I felt/feel very guilty. It seems like I am the bad guy who is ruining his life or something. I have been leading him on, unconsciously, all this time and it sucks to know that he's hurting so much. I never and will never want him to be hurt. I love that guy no matter how I say I don't wanna get back with him. When I commit, it is not because of sex. It is because I found something in the guy. Bhe is really special to me. And honestly, I have been thinking of trying it again, wondering if it could work. But deep in me I know it'll be a big mistake coz at the end of the day it'll be Marvin whom I truly love. My one and only.

Bhe, if you are reading this I am really really sorry. I hope you understand me no matter how incomprehensible it may seem. I too could not explain it well. I owe you an apology, I owe you a lot. Bhe, I know you've been very hurt and still now your hurting. I can see it in your words. I am really sorry. I want us to be friends, real good friends. I want you to be near me, to be there. This does not mean that you can't go on with your life and look for someone else. I suggest that you do in fact. There are lots of people in this world, in this lifetime. Don't confine yourself to the idea of "us". I am not the one you've been wanting. And you deserve someone as special as you are. Cliche, I know but it is the truth. There's no other way of saying that.

I love you Bhe and goodbye will never come from me.

HE

I have written on this several times. You might even say this blog is slowly beginning to be about him and not me. I know I promised myself and you that I would move on and forget him, erase him from my thoughts, from this blog. The fact is, I can't. No matter how much I convince myself that he is not worth my time anymore, that he must be forgotten, that he has someone else and that he's happier now with what he has and without me, he still haunts me like a nightmare during childhood when ghosts were cute like Casper and when I wanted to be Peter Pan. The only difference is, now, I want Peter Pan for myself. The one in the recent movie that is.

I hate him and I love him so much. The truth is, I am still in love with him. Am I obsessed? Am I living too much in the past? Am I becoming the type of person I hate?

Before I used to pity my friends who can't seem to move on from their ex's. I used to preach them about looking for other guys and loving once again. I hate them for being so stupid, for being so difficult. Then I concluded things about love. Love is a sugar-coated sex. Love is a bitch. Love is pain. Love is hate, etc. I tried to avoid it. I always say I wasn't ready. But deep inside me I knew I was looking for it. I was hoping that someday someone I really like/love will like me back. But that never happened. Until him. He came when I was on the verge of breaking, of totally hating myself for being so ugly and so ugly and so ugly. He loved me for my ways, or so my pictures. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I let myself fall. And I did fall... too deep.

Now I can't move on from this maelstrom of his memories. I blame myself for being so easy. But I am thankful I was. For being with him was the most prefect moment of my life and without him the saddest.

I miss him so much. And I love him still.

FPJ DIED

After Yoyong and several typhoons before him, another thing happend that will surely dampen a lot of hearts.

FPJ died.

I wonder what will happen after. I know a lot of FPJ supporters are gonna weep and cry their hearts out when they hear about it. Or maybe they have already heard about it and are doing their weeping over candles with lights being gently swayed by the Christmas wind. It's all over the news. I am sure, for the rest of the week or maybe the holidays, FPJ's death will be the talk of everyone. Somehow it made me sad. Don't ask me why. I too, don't know. All I know is, I have never been a fan. But still I feel sad.

It's amazing how a person can affect so many people. How a person can make people act in certain ways. I wonder if I am the same. If I can affect as much people as FPJ can. Okay, maybe that's being too hopeful. Well, I'll paraphrase it. I wonder if I can affect the people around me, if I can make them act in certain ways. If they will be lonely too if I exit this cruel world.

Death has been my greatest fear. Next are snakes. I don't want to see anybody in my family and those close to me fade away. The mere thought sends me to shivers and tears and to my knees with eyes shut praying to the Lord hoping he'll prevent this from happening. I love my family so much. I may not show it as often as I should or as blatant as one should, but I do. In all sincerety, I do.

Suddenly this talk about family and death makes me want to stop thinking about it. Makes me wanna write about something else, something alive, something tangible.

GOSH

Gosh.

Did my recertification yesterday after my so-called-non-productive shift and I think I failed, again. Argh! I had to retake a second call and then a guy with this wierd, obviously trying hard to be slang tone. I really had a hard time with the call and both asked me about stuff I did not know. Hayyy... Whatever happens, I am gonna try to be fine. But I can't afford to be jobless. Not this time.

It has been 3 hours since I got here in the office and in my station but I still haven't received any calls yet. I took my first 15-minute break with Rome downstairs, in front of Watsons then drank coffee which tasted more like Milo in the pantry. Something's wrong with the vendo...

I dunno but it hit me earlier while waiting for calls. I still am very much inlove with Marvin. I suddenly have this urge to talk to see him and talk to him... or maybe just see him. I miss him so much. Seems like time could never ever erase what I feel for him. I want to cry but I can't. There are too many people here. Can't let them see I am sad.

Hayyy... This blog is beginning to become a crap. Love and shit! Must find something else to write about. My life ain't getting more interesting everyday. Life sucks. I know.

TRASH

Trash.

Today, my shift started at 1am and will end at 10am later. I asked MJ if I could go to her place and sleep there and maybe we can go out later. Tomorrow's my day-off so I might meet up with Bhe. That is, if my phone works, which I doubt will happen.

Speaking of my cell phone, it broke down after I accidentally dropped it from my jacket two nights ago when I was exiting our house for work. I was in a hurry and I dunno why but I was. That's me, always in a hurry. I feel like time is gonna ran out soon, I hope not.

Well, I promised Bhe I would meet him when I get my day-off and I intend to meet him. Maybe Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. We're gonna watch National Treasure. Hmmm... I wonder if he has watched it already.

Argh! I have been in the office for about an hour now

BEEN SO BUSY

Yesterday, I came in to work almost drunk. Or kinda tipsy. You see! I can't even rememer! After the first two calls I so wanted to leave and sleep but I could not. After the shift me, Emor and a couple more (lovers) co-employees went out for lunch and then Emor and I watched Saw. Have you seen it? God! Was it bloody gross. But I liked the movie, nevertheless. It has this impact on me. You know, like living life and actually enjoying it. That was the morale of the movie.
Anyways, I am currently in my workstation doing my jo but since calls are not that many I have time to write this. It has been a while since my last post and I am sure you already miss me. Don't you? Fishing...
Emor has really gotten inlove with D. Really hurts, argh! What could I do? I am gonna be just another friend for him.
I am gonna meet Bhe this weekend if ever I get a day off. I promise him I am gonna treat him dinner or something when I get my first salary. And I miss so much too. I wanna see him again. I don't know. I still love him. I tell him that everytime. Who wouldn't? He's nice, smart and cute. Go Bhe! Luv yah!
God, Yoyong (typhoon), third typhoon in just like two months is totally a big thing. It crippled three MRT (train system) stations and unfortunately, me and Emor was in one of the trains when it got stucked. We waited for like over 30 minutes coz the train stopped between two stations. The driver was so apologetic and kept on repeating these statements saying how sorry he was for the inconvenience and that we could not move because there was no clearance yet from the next station. Hayyy... what a day!!!
******
And by the way, I have received my first month salary from eTel two days ago. Yipeee!

SHIFT'S OVER

Just finished my shift today. Fortunately, I wasn't late anymore. I still can't get over what happened yesterday. Argh! I can still remember vividly the details and the emotions I have had the very moment I woke up and figured out I was very late.

It's my off today and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday) and I have the same time shift next week except for Tuesday which is my re-certification. And I am wondering how could I go through the certification when I hasn't undergone any retraining. Not that I need it or anything. I think I know pretty well how the system works. But still the coach log states that I should undergo retraining with the same trainer. Apparently she is sick. Well I guess I'll just have to accept that come Tuesday, I'll be leaving eTel for good. Waaa... That is gonna be one big disappointment.

It's really sunny outside and the sun is like kissing you on the face so I think I'll just wait a while here in the lounge and go home around 4 or 5 when it ain't too hot outside. I just hope I find MJ. She told me she'd go see me on the floor after her shift but she didn't. I wonder where she is right now. I think I am gonna look at the other building or maybe she's staying near Fazoli's where her boyfriend works...

Aight! Gotta go... Mwah! I am feeling a bit better now. I received lots of calls today. About 85 call if I remember it right... :)

MY LIFE IN SHIT

Seems like the heavens and everything is is conspiring to make me miserable. I have been feeling shit because of the failure I had with my job and earlier something really bad happened, again.

Last night I was already here in the office for my 4Am shift, right? It has become a habit to sleep here whenever I have an early morning shift or when my shift ends late in the night.

I WAS LATE!!! for two hours to be exact. I didn't wake up on time. I relied on my phone alarm but somehow I turned it off when it went off. I was awaked by a noisy crowd entering the lounge area and the next thing I knew, fuck! it was already 6 in the morning. I was so panicky. I wanted to send an SMS to my supervisor but I left his number in my notes which was in the locker in the next building. I even decided not to go to work anymore earlier, to just go home and cry and rant at how miserable my life is right now. But I pushed myself to go nonetheless. I would tell my supervisor the truth. I overslept, the next thing to being fired from work.

Fortunately my supervisor was not mad or anything. He just told me to buddy up with somebody, Patrick was his name, for the rest of my shift and that he'll refer me to another supervisor coz his shift was almost over. I was really apologetic. It was my fault. Who else could it be?

With that the next supervisor told me that I was gonna be on half-day which means half-pay for the day. I said it was alright and that it was really my fault. But I still worked six hours with a one 15-minute break and an hour break for lunch. Went straight to Up come 1PM and met up with my orgmates. Somehow, I was relieved to see familiar faces, again. The ones I was with in college. I was, for a moment, back to my happy-go-lucky self, making jokes and funny remarks.

But deep inside I am very disappointed with myself. How could I let this happen? I thought I have the skills, the confidence (slight), and the brains to pull this off. But I thought wrong.

This makes me really really really sad... :(

I AM A TOTAL FAILURE

First with Emor and then with work. Argh! I am a total failure!

I woke up around 3AM earlier for my 4AM shift. I had my caffiene and nicotine shots and headed straight to the CitiBank building where my program is. When I entered the office AJ was already there sitting in one of the cubicles reading emails. I asked him what was new and he told me we had a new schedule for Saturday and Sunday. And also, the certification results were also released already and were emailed to the whole class. So I hurriedly opened mine in one of the computers just behind AJ, basically excited. But Microsoft Outlook had to install and I was already so fired up with what to read that I asked AJ if I could read the email from his computer since we were sent the same thing. When I read the certification results, I was stunned. I DID NOT PASS! Three of us didn't actually.

Because of that I could not take in calls for the day, or so I thought. I had to buddy up with a tenured CSA (costumer service associate) and also my TL(training leader I ain't sure this is my immediate supervisor) had to coach me for my AFIs (areas for improvement a subtle way of saying you suck). Pardon me for the jargons. I had to do buddy-ups till the certification next week on the 30th which is also the payday. So I got really disappointed and felt shit about myself. But I also had to compose myself coz I didn't want AJ to know I was feeling that way. I was almost teary-eyed but I kept it to myself.

I emailed everyone about my situation so they won't ask me or tell me about it anymore. Basically, I was hoping that they'll just drop the topic and leave it at that.

The coaching went nice since Alvin, my TL was really supportive and nice. He told me about my mark-downs or AFIs and how to improve them. After that I had to return buddying up with a tenured CSA but the CSA had break so I had to buddy-up with AJ.

I was beginning to feel okay about it especiallly that I was allowed to take in calls later in my shift. It went pretty well actually. I had like 13 calls and I think I gave them what they needed. Except for one call where I forgot to ask the costumer's name because the amount he was presenting was really huge and I didn not follow the correct procedure. The TL (another one) had to barge in after my call and ask about what was wrong with the call.

After my shift I headed up to the 20th floor where I found MJ lying on the couch asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she wanted to smoke which we did. We also ate at McDonalds and talked about problems, basically financial. You see I owe a friend 1,500 bucks and my cousin 700 bucks already. And was she. And we were so thankful that our payday would be next week already. Finally I can buy things for myself and I can pay all the money I owe.

Then MJ told me about our other co-trainees who were "forced leave." What the hell was that? It's another way of saying that you ain't good enough for this company so might as well leave! I started worrying about my status here because those people who were supposedly on leave also did not pass the first certification and the second one. What if I don't pass the second one? What if the re-certification is just a way to prolong the agony and put me in false hopes? What if I ain't good enough for this company? What if...? I was teary-eyed, worried and very confused. I wanted to shout but I couldn't, not with all those people around. MJ was very supportive. She even assured me that if I fail and was asked to leave the company she will get drunk with me. You see, she stopped drinking years ago and she swore never to again. She also told me that if I don't pass, she will also quit so we could look for another call center, together.

I was touched but at the same time guilty. I do not want her to worry that much about me. I don't want to drag her with me to my doom. That will be so unfair. She worked hard to pass and she can't just leave that behind because of me... just because of me... just because of a stupid Ian who couldn't even make a simple mock call right!

Now I am so worried. I am beginning to resign myslef to not being able to pass the recertification so it won't hurt when the time comes, which is like three days from now.

Goodbye everyone in eTel. Had fun while it lasted.

MY INNER AGE

My Inner Age

SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)

******

I just got back from drinking a bottle of Red Horse beer. I still can't sleep so I am back again trying to find a quiz at quizilla that are interesting. But I can't find anything else besides the one posted above. Hmmm... I must not stay long in this computer. I think people are already mumbling about my being so computer-abusive or something. I am just trying to make the most out of the company's free stuff, free-internet included. Hahahaha... Better find another way to get sleepy next time. Beer ain't working, figures. Maybe I'll just lie on the lazy boy and try to relax. Maybe then I'll be able to sleep. Waaaa.... What am I posting recently? This blog is full of bullshits already. Gotta get myself together and talk about something else besides love, hate and shit... Waaaa....

ENOUGH OF HIM... for now

Shift starts at 4AM tomorrow and I am already here in the office... alone. Emor's shift is now different from mine. I kinda miss him when I should not. That pact I made with him keeps coming back whenever I remember him or somebody mentions his name. Emor and I are gonna be friends, just friends. Part of me want to end that friendship now, another wants to keep holding in hope that someday, he'll find it in his heart to finally love me just the way I love him. Oh, I ain't even sure if this is love I am feeling for him. Argh! This is confusing, don't you think?

Last night I had a bottle of beer with him... again. This drinking after work is becoming a habit. I just hope I won't have a beer belly. Not my tummy... this is the only thing about my body I like, and most people like it too.

Enough of him... for now.

******

Later will be the real thing. I will be receiving calls from costumers. I am kinda afraid, nervous and unsure. I can't say I know all the systems and the processes yet. Especially with some complicated stuff. *sigh

Of course, Emor's not gonne be there. Ooops... not again... Sorry about that. No Emor now, promise. I am gonna be stuck with AJ (an officemate) who doesn't smoke. I can already imagine those 15 minute yosi breaks and lunch breaks. Argh! Alone.

******

What should I do? I am too early for work... as in TOO EARLY. I ain't sleepy yet and I don't have anybody to talk to. I might go crazy like this. I texted MJ earlier asking her to go here early for her shift but she hasn't replied yet. I also texted Patrick but he ain't replying too. Where are the people when you need them? Argh!

So I am thinking of getting drunk... err... not too drunk. I have work still and the guards might not let me in if they smell or see that I am drunk. They can be very strict you know. And one of the company's policies for employees is "employees must not intake alcohol of any amount before their shift." Few times I came for work with an alcohol in my system but you know me, I can carry myself well even when I am drunk.

Which reminds of the day I first got really drunk. It was a birthday party of a friend (more like past friend). I got really drunk to the point that I vomited all over the place. Ewww. that was really disgusting...

******

Okay. I have decided. I am gonna drink a couple of beers. Just to make me sleep. Wish me luck! :)

A PACT WITH EMOR

Emor and I had just a pact over a bottle of Red Horse beer. We will never sleep with each other nor will have anything that's gonna happen between us. A slap on my face and what's left of my hope went down the drain. Sucks! Finally it's confirmed. He doesn't like me... at all.

******

Just had my certification. I ain't sure if I passed it. I hope I did. Don't wanna be transferred to another program and then learn new systems again. That's gonna be information overload. Tomorrow's gonna be my comprehensive exam. My hopes are high. It's open notes and system so I need not study nor bother about it. But I am sure I will go frantic about it tomorrow. We'll just have to see.

******

More posts tomorrow. That is if I wake up early later. My head's kinda spinning already. Gotta rest people!

RIDDLER REVEALS | Moving On?

I have read Bhe's recent posts. They're quite me, if you know what I mean. Almost 90% of the posts has something to do with me - he still loves me; he wants to forget me then suddenly decides not to; he loves me still and he loves me still. Ooops, I said that three times. Ahehehe. I do understand how he feels. Been there, done that. But like I say everytime, he must learn to move on, find someone else and have fun. He's still young and looking for something that would last forever is kinda suicidal. I just hope these rejections and heartaches don't get into him... not even the idea.

I do love him still. And that's genuinely true (redundancy for emphasis).

We were texting each other last night. He told me he was on his way to Laguna with his online buddies (Bobong books, is that it?). I think that is good. he must learn to enjoy, to have fun. And that was a big leap in fact.

******

Ohhh... I already started receiving actual calls in work. Ha! I was really nervous that I always ended up stuttering and I keep forgetting the buttons and the numbers ( I'm not really good with numbers) and everything. But after the shift I felt happy that I did that. That I was able to help most of my costumers. That the shift was over, finally.

I hope the certification tomorrow goes my way.

HANG-OVER

Argh. I think I have had too much a drink last night. Six bottles of San Mig Strong Ice. Wheew... When I woke up earlier (in eTel lounge) my head was like gonna explode. I didn't want to stand and get up yet but Emor was insiting. Can't blame him though. He has a class today.

I got home around noon and then I took a nap that lasted for like 30minutes coz I really couldn't sleep with my head spinning. I remember seeing the ceiling moving too. Am I hallucinating? Good thing my brother cooked lunch today. Quite unusual actually. He never cook lunch before. We had a fried bangus. Yummy. And my cuz was there too watching his favorite Laban o Bawi and after that played PS2.

I also took a different route going here today. I took a jeepney to UP and then another one to Katipunan and then another one to Marikina River Bank and then finally another jeepney to Libis. The fare was pretty much the same compared to my usual route. But this one is faster. But knowing me, as usual, I am ahead of time. Arrived here at 3:30PM, had coffee in the pantry and my nicotine shot in the smoking area.

And by the way, I have seen three cute guys today. Hahaha... Yummy people. I wonder if they're gay. Hmmm....

Hmmm... I don't wanna comment about Emor anymore. His occupying too much space in my blog already. And for what? NOTHING! I am gonna try not to write about him here. Gonna try hard.

DAY OFF SUCKS

Today's my day off from work. I hate having days like this - idle ones. I don't know what else to do. It's like I am so unproductive. Of course, as always, I am gonan do my laundry and later in the afternoon I am gonna take care of my brgy. clearance which I need to be able to get my salary through an ATM. Though today might seem all packed up but still... it's just that I hate staying home. I am not even sleepy. Last night's shift ended at 11PM and right after Emor and I went out to have a couple of drinks and then we went back to the office and slept in the lounge. Woke up around 8 earlier.

Speaking of Emor and work, we won't be in the same team, as I was expecting. I am gonna be paired with AJ (straight guy). I am really sad because I would have wanted it that we belong in the same team. The worst part is, he is gonna in the same team with Mr.D! Jealousy is all over my face. Argh! But I have already decided. I won't go for Emor anymore. He doesn't like me, I am now sure of that.

Maybe this is not a bad thing after all. If I don't see him everyday, maybe what I feel will fade away. That always work right?

Hayy...

I KISSED MARVIN LAST NIGHT...

Haven't got enough sleep. Argh! My head's spinning. Haven't eaten lunch yet coz my apetite left me hours ago. Talk about life!

So I am two hours early to work as usual. I was planning to eat lunch atb Top and Tables but like I said, I lost m,y apetite. On my way here I got myself a Pepsi cola. Maybe that's why I don't feel hungry anymore. I guess I'd have to eat something on my way to CitiBank (my office building).

***

Marvin said he has moved on. That hurt. It hates when you can't control what's happening around you. Especially with relationships, with the ones you love. (Bhe can relate to this I suppose. My fault.) One minute they're there and the next minute they'll break up with you through an email. Argh! With Marvin, I hate it that he has moved on as swiftly as the wind that touches every one of us, leaving tears in our eyes and a tint of pain inside. He has/had moved my world in a way that nobody ever did before. He woke me up from my false beliefs against love then after two and a half months, punched me back to sleep.

Why does it have to be this way? I am sure you have asked that question before. It maybe not because of heartache but of something else. The truth is, I don't know either. There is no way to know the truth. Pain and suffering are part of the grand design of life. If only we could play God for even a minute. If ever we could get ourselves into a time capusle and fly our way back to the past, change everything our way. But we can't. We just can't. All we could do is hope and pray to the heavens that tomorrow will bring us happiness and joy, to hope that tomorrow, a beautiful guy (someone we can actually love and spend forever with) will nudge us from behind and say, "I think I found the one."

Ahhhh... What am I saying? Again?! I have heard this a zillion times already... from me.

I dreamt of Marvin last night. With his new haircut (more like hairless) and his beautiful smile. We kissed and hugged each other tight. And I told him how I miss him, how I still love him. Then... I woke up. It was already 5 in the morning. Time to go home.

IT IS NOT JUST YOU

Talk about rejection. At least somebody has the guts to tell it straight to your face. Not like this, like I am in the dark, trying to figure out what direction I'll be heading. Not even a shadow to talk to.

Last night after work, Emor, me and a co-worker/friend, had a few drinks at some bar just across of Eastwood City. We had some laughs and talks and updates on what were happening in our respective classes. You see, this co-worker/friend had been separated from Emor and me and the rest of the class because she (she's a girl btw) had to undergo a different training, or something. So that was it - a few drinks, laughters and stuff.

Part of the conversation was Emor's supposedly denial of his crush/fling with Mr. D*. He insists he doesn't like him up to now but ohhh... you can almost smell the hormones between them like a melting chocolate bar on a heated pan. And it hurts.

So I am finally waking up from this dream. I am forcing myself to. It's really obvious that he ain't interested whatsoever in me. We are just gonna friends. It's gonna hurt but I'll still try.

Talking about rejections, as Bhe (former H&K - Bhe is more cute. We still call each other Bhe) has written on his blog. He did not pass the audition for a singing contest. He's great by the way. He has a nice voice. The judges weren't just listening. I got lost there...

Anyhow, as I was saying, this Emor-thingy is also a rejection. I got rejected and I haven't even tried it yet. If you are an avid reader of my blog you'd probably get my drift. For those who couldn't then you'd have to read all my posts... Hahaha. Just kidding. Let me put it this way. I am the type who easily gives up. I hate challenges. If I feel that a person has no feeling whatsoever for me, I easily and sometimes automatically stop dreaming or even thinking about the idea of a relationship.

There... Argh

***

I am still in the office. My shift ended an hour ago. Emor and me are gonna be sleeping here again. I can't even remember for how many times now...

*Mr. D - a guy who I think is gay. hahaha

IN THE OFFICE AND FEELING COLD

3:26 AM and I can't sleep. My shift has ended four and a half hours ago and ther next one will be at 2PM later. I am with Emor at the office lounge on the 21st floor. I just couldn't take the cold temprature of the room. I think Emor has already turned the AC off but still it feels it didn't change a bit.

Emor is sleeping quite well. He's nonchalant to the coldness of the room with his arms inside his shirt like a kid on a stroller. He's really cute when he sleeps. I have had a moment just staring at him from my lazy boy. Argh! This should stop. I have to stop. We talked about Jeff, another officemate (who we think is gay though he has a girlfriend of 3 years), who was totally, i think, hitting on him last night. Ouch! Emor likes him. Well, if he would be forced to like somebody from the group that is. Not me. Waaaa...

We also kinda talked about his ideal guy and like I said in my previous posts, it ain't got anything I have. More reason to stop dreaming about him.

*****

From H&K:
no, i don't think it's the right way, because it's not what i want to be the right way... the thing that just really hurt me the most is the fact that you never cried for me... just proves that i am not as special as you think i am, you can say it's pathetic but in the meantime that's all i have....

I dunno whatelse to do. I want to preserve the friendship, if ever there is left. I love him and I don't want him to go away. He's right. I am unfair. I keep telling him how much I miss him, how much I love him. And it hurts, I know. I should know. I can be a bitch at times, well a lot of times. And I am really sorry for that. Maybe I should just leave him alone. Maybe it's for the better. But I can't! (*Now I am wrestling with myself.)

Going into a commitment with him ain't a plan anymore. I love him and I want/need him as a friend. I feel were gonna get along well.

I just hope he realizes that soon. But whatever he decides, I will respect it, or try to find a way to do respect it.

****

Okay. I'll go downstairs for a cigarette break. It's friggin freezing in here. I think my blood is beginning to turn into red ice.

More about this later...

WHEW!

Whew, I never thought I can have that kind of an effect on people. Nasanay kasi akong ako ang umiiyak.

H&K just gave me the link to his new blog which supposedly talks about how he really feels. Kinda like a blog for me where he can rant and say anything about me - he loves me, he is pain, that sorta thing.

And it pains me so much to see him in despair. I dunno. I never thought I could exude that much appeal to anybody. I ain't really gorgeous you know. I ain't the type of person or gay you'd normally go gaga with. Have you seen me? Gosh, if you did, you'd be having nightmares by now.

But H&K has me wondering... and questioning. Maybe I am what I think I am not.

God, I dunno what to do. I love H&K still and everytime I look at his pictures I kinda regret what happened. Why it had to end. But half of me knows this is the right way. If I stayed longer I'd end up hurting him so much. The tragedy is unbearable I know coz I have been there.

I just hope he can move on soon. There are lots of guys out there... or girls too. He doesn't deserve me, he has to find someone else, someone better. I know it's gonna be hard. But hey, the only way to go is forward.

EMOR DILLEMA

I was suppose to edit my post about Emor. I am afraid he'sd find out about this and that he'd be aloof to me afterwards. You know how it goes, right? And I can't afford that to happen. We are gonna be housemates soon thus this "friendship" should stay. Or whatever.

But besides my better judgement, I decided not to edit it. I almost forgot, I am the I-don't-care type of bitch. I'll accept whatever happens if he finds out about this - that I am talking about him to the www behind his back, even if I use a pseudoname for him (which is like so lame an effort for its quite obvious, really).

TALK ABOUT CAREERS

Just watched The Incredibles with Emor today. It was funny but I had more fun being with Emor than watching the movie. I dunno what happened. Three weeks ago I didn't give a sh*t about him but now I totally like him. I ain't even sure if it's only "like". Argh!

I realized this when we watched The Forgotten with a bunch of officemates a week ago. He was so cute. He would jump off his seat whenever something shocking happened on the screen. He was like a kid. That movie was followed by another movie and then another and now we are planning to rent our own place. I am not sure if he feels that I like him or anything but I am sure he doesn't like me. He somehow told me what his ideal guy is and none of the characteristics fit me. Argh! I guess I'll have to distance myself from him or else I would end up getting hurt.

****

Marvin got his hair cut. He's so cute in his recent picture at Downelink.com which prompted me, besides my better judgement, to send him a message. Surprisingly though, he replied a day after telling me his not mad. He also noted the undies I have in my pictures. Ahehehe...

Is this a sign that he might still be able to love me? That "us" can happen again? I hope so. I really do.

****

I talked to H&K last night and he wanted us to get back together. I said I can't. What's done is done. I love him but I ain't ready to commit to him again. I miss him though, so much.

****

Serge invited me for dinner last night so after the movie with Emor I went straight to his place. Had a couple of barbeques and a little chat then I decided to go home. He has a boyfriend now and I think he's happy.

*Emor - not his real name. you can pretty much guess though who he is if you are my officemate.
*Career - a guy

LOOKING FORWARD TO A REAL SLEEP

This has been one helluva week for me. Not that the training is bad or anything, it's just that the travel time to and fro the office always eats up most of my energy. Especially during traffic.

I have been sleeping at the office' lounge for the last two nights (if you could call it sleeping really). When we were given our schedule for Thursday which was 6am-3pm, Rome, Justine, and I decided to go to the office around midnight so we can sleep there. And besides, we thought it was hard to wake up earlier than 6am and then commute to the office. It's gonna eat up a lot of our time and there's a great possibility that we might not be able to wake up on time. So we opted to sleep at the office lounge. The first night wasn't really that good. We crammed ourselves unto this two small chair-like beds (I forgot the term) and it was really difficult to sleep. Well at least for me it was hard. RJ, who is another officemate, was snoring so maybe he got a good sleep. No pun intended there RJ. Hahaha... The second night was more okay because we got to have our own beds (again, not the correct term). But we slept for like four hours only.

We have the same schedule for Monday so Rommel, Justine and I are gonna meet up Sunday night and do the same. Gosh!

Tonight, however, I am gonna try my best to get enough reast for the medical exam tom. I hope the doctor won't see anything in me. It's been like years since I went to a doctor for a check-up.


******

And yesterday, AJ (officemate) and me were reprimanded by a traffic policeman in Cubao for jay walking. We didn't see him wave at us when we were about to cross so when we already did cross he stopped us and asked for our IDs. We gave him our office IDs but it didn't have any name on it coz it is only temporary. So he gave it back and asked for our names and residence instead.

WORK RANTS

*Sigh*

I am so tired already. Got home from work around 8:30 this evening, called my mom about my day and talked to my brothers about school. I also ate a ten-bucks worth of kikiam just after I got off the FX from SM North Edsa and bought a bottle of water from the ever-reliable, cashier-goes-I-owe-you-fifty-cents-as-if-I-am-ever-gonna-claim-it-the-next-time, 7-11. Pardon for my sarcasm but isn't that always the case? They price their goods with an extra 50 or 25 cents and when they've got no change, they're gonna say "I am sorry sir, got no change. I owe you..." Right?

So I skipped dinner tonight coz I thought I was full, till now. I might go to 7-11 (I don't really have a choice) to buy me self some food. I also put some features in my blog which you will noticed on the left ear of this page. It's this referral thingy where I can trace who's website or where my website was accessed. I got the idea from Mayee's blog while I browsing the people in my links. I also put a link to my links page in my blog. Did you get that? Too many links, huh? Just read it again and try to understand it, okay?

I'd probably sleep around 12 later and wake up come 5am for work the following day. Hayyy... Can't wait for the graveyard shift already.

YESTERDAY I CRIED | Reminiscing

Yesterday while I was watching TV, I could not remember what, I remembered Marvin. I remembered how happy I was then, I remembered his kisses, his laughters, his promises. Those memories I should have forgotten a long time ago were like ghosts on a halloween night haunting me from behind. I felt a sudden rush of despair run through my body to my face leaving it numb. Then tears started to fell. It was unstoppable. I tried to resist the urge to blurt out but I couldn't. Tears were like rain falling from the heavens. I needed to shelter myself from those pricking droplets but they were persistent. They left my face wet. Wet with memories of happiness, of despair, of him.

I don't know what had gotten into me. I should have moved on by now. It has almost been three months but still he is like just beside me, staring from behind, wanting me to cry, pleading me to forget. But how could I? Really? No matter how I pretend to have moved on, the reality slaps me on my face waking me to what is now, to what is real.

I never imagined moving on would be this hard. I have had a boyfriend after him. But still he keeps showing up in my most vulnerable times, when I am alone in the dark with my mind blank. He haunts like a thief in the night with a look that could melt away my pretentious hard soul, my stone-coated heart. He break through my mask of deception and see the real me.

Oh Marvin. I just hope you know how much I still love you so.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Hay.. I didn't go to any halloween party this year. I was so tired from the training that I needed to rest to regain some energy. I put so much effort and energy into it that right after I was like a vegetable.

So I am back on track. I have regained most of my energy. And I am very excited for tomorrow. It's gonna be my first day at work/training and I am looking forward to meeting new faces. I hope there would be lots of cute guys. Hahaha. Of course, AJ would be there. He is this cute guy from the training. Unfortunately he's straight. He even confided to us who his crush was. And it wasn't me. Argh! Hahaha. But hey, I can still flirt with him. Hmmm. I just hope he's not gonna read this post or anyone from our batch.

***

So I got a message from a high school friend asking me to go home to the province for the reunion. I can't. I have work. Haha. And even if I were free I'd still say no. I have said this the nth time, I have got no plans whatsoever to go home in that place.

***

Anyways, a few days back, I was chatting at YM when somebody sent me a message and told me he knew me. He even knew my last name, my province etc. It turned out he was from the province. He asked me about the article I wrote for Sanrokan, the official website of Romblon. I was shocked because I didn't wrote anything for that website. The truth was, I haven't heard of that website till the time he told me about it. So I went to the website and checked if it was true. And there it was, my article, my picture, my name. It even got my school and my age. They got my age wrong though. It said 22 when I was only 20 years old when I wrote that article. And currently I am only 21.

I wrote that article for Business World Internet Edition | Mobile Media as a requirement for my internship program. You see, I was assigned to write an article on my favorite place and I had no choice but to write about my hometown, Odiongan. The truth is, it wasn't/isn't a fave. No way. That place brings back memories I'd rather forget. Of course, I do love my family and some relatives.

So I wrote to the administrator of that website and asked if they, in any way, asked permission from Business World for the right to publish that article. Because I am sure they haven't asked me. Not that I didn't like my article to be there but hey, have some respect man! You can't just copy something from other people without permission. Right? well, I don't know about the legal aspect of it but one thing is for sure, I was infringed when they published that article without my permission.

A JOB, FINALLY

Finally, I have a job. I am now a call service representative at E-Telecare. I signed a 6-month contract with them yesterday after passing the five-day commnuication skills training. I am gonna start Tuesday next week. I’m so excited already. Can’t wait for my first salary. Haha.

Yesterday, was like the most heart-pounding day of my life. I had to deal with three interviews that basically gauged my ability and communication skills. It was like a test to see whether the five-day training did me any good or not.

After everyone was done with the interview, we were like so scared. I personally was already resigned to the idea of not passing the final interview since I thought I did not do well in it.

When one of the trainers entered the room with a piece of paper on her hand, my heart just went to the roof. I was really nervous. Then she called some people to transfer to another room. After the last person exited the door, she told us that everyone left in the room passed the interview and would be signing a contract at the end of the day. I cried with happiness. I thought of my mom and how happy she was gonna be when she finds out about it. MJ and Jen, my nff* also cried with me. We were just so happy. But of course we felt sorry for those who didn’t pass. The class was already bonded. But it was expected. Right in the beginning of the training we were told that not all of us would be offered the coveted contract.

So after the contract signing, we went to the canteen and ordered ourselves bottle of beers to celebrate along with those who did not pass. We had so much fun talking about each other, first impressions, cruches, love, being gay and straight, etc. I went home really tipsy with Jen. I also spent the night at her place.

Earlier today, Jen and I watched White Chicks at SM North Edsa. The movie was fun. And when we were about to exit the moviehouse, Rommel, our co-trainee, called me from behind. Hahaha. What a coincidence!

Hayyy… Life has really its way of agreeing with you. I just hope it goes my way always.

*nff – new found friend (courtesy of MJ)

FIRST DAY ON THE TRAINING | First Salary Too...

First day on the training and I came in late. I was with a friend, Jen, who lives near me so I met her ealier so we could to the training together. The traffic was so bad that we spent almost an hour going there. And to make matters worse, the shuttle that was suppose to take us to the building for free weren’t showing up when we got there. We asked a lot of security guards where the shuttle was and they were directing us to different locations. And then we saw a sign “Free shuttle ride here” and underneath the sign was written, “Shuttle ride unavailable.” We haven’t got any clue where the building was though we had a map given to us during the contrat signing. So we took a cab and asked the driver to drive us to the said location. And to our surprise, the place was like two blocks away from where we were. Haha. The taxi meter did not even charge us a cent. So we paid for the starting fee of twenty five pesos. Of course I added five pesos for the trouble w’ve caused the driver. Haha.

So the first day was great. We took up pronounciations and stuff. And since I am in a confidentiality contract, I cannot divulge any information reagarding the training. So I’m not gonna give you full details. But rest assured, it was fun and exciting. I already can’t wait for tomorrow.

Jen and I also made a new friend who also came in late. Much later than us actually. Her name is MJ, this 25-year old who doesn’t look her age (she looks younger, like 21) cool girl who is living with his 19-year old boyfriend in her apartment in Pasig. She smokes too so everytime we got a chance to light up our cigarettes, we would always go out of the building and smoke together and make funny remarks about our co-trainees and stuff.

The ice-breakers definitely broke the ice, if you get my drift. Haha.. I really enjoyed the training. Towards the end of the day we were grouped and ecah group had to give out suggestions on improving our communication skills. Every group gave out pretty much the same suggestions except what I gave. I said, “try looking for an American boyfriend or girlfriend.” This defintely sent everyone to laughters and one trainor even said it was a good idea. Hahaha… I am becoming infamous for my humor amongst my co-applicants. I just hope laughters and jokes doesn’t affect my performance in the training coz this will tell if I am gonna proceed to the next training or not.

We were also given our allowance for the day after the training. Haha… Gotta buy me more business casual clothes.

ALL THIS ATTENTION

God, people can be so horny. All they tend to think about is seeing me naked. Hahaha... And I am your ultimate tease.

The pictures I have posted at fotki.com sent my popularity among PLUs to the roof. I even got this guy I have been crushing on from connexion.org for so long. And he definitely looks good and tastes good in person. He fetched me up at SM North Edsa last night with his Ford Lynx (is that right?).

I have been chatting fot the past couple of days and the attention! Hahaha.. I am loving it. Gotta post some new ones soon - more bold, daring and yummy. Hahaha.

I might even prepare myself a schedule to accomodate all these gorgeous yummy guys! Being single has never been this fun!

***

Anyways, enough of that sex-craved brew. I am gonna start the training at E-Telecare tomorrow morning from 9-6PM for five days. I hope I pass that. If I ever do, I will again undergo another training for almost a month. Hayyy... I don't really feel excited but hey, gotta get through with it for the money! And so may mom won't keep pestering me anymore about being jobless. Hahaha...

Better get back to chatroom. A lot of guys are waiting. See ya!

OF BREAK-UPS and STUFF

I was talking to a friend, who also just came from a break-up, last night over the phone and I thought I would hook him up with my ex but he thought I was just being bitter about the break-up. I let out a loud laugh. Why would I be acrid? It was me who ended the realtionship in the first place? And besides, I think I am happier now that I am back to singlehood. I am officially back to the market, and up for grabs. Hahaha…

I asked him why he broke up with his bf of less than one month. Apparently, he got bored with the relationship. He got tired of it. So a day before their first month anniversary, he decided to call it off with his beau. How rude right? I mean, breaking up with somebody the day before your anniversary? I couldn’t imagine myself doing that. And he lied about the reason he ended the relationship. What he told him was that his mom found out about them and that a break-up is inevitable. At least I had the guts to break-up for the real reason rather than cloud it in some pathetic guise, right?

It’s been two days since the break-up and I am like a prime rib on the market. Hahaha… The phone never stops ringing even during wee hours which irritates my cousin who was here last night with his mom. When I got home yesterday night from a café, coz I couldn’t use the computer at home because my brothers are playing Ragnarok Online, I saw the phone in my room. I thought to myself, it’s my cousin who put it there because a lot of guys are calling me during the night with their low, husky, and horny-as-hell voice. Haha…
My cousin and his mom left for Pangasinan this morning and I am hoping they’ll stay out long this time. I dunno, I just ain’t confortable with them here in the house. Actually, the truth is, they own this house. Hahaha… So I can’t really do anything about it.

***

I posted some naughty pictures at Fotki.com yesterday. Hahaha... Now you can see Brew naked. I dunno if you'll like it or not. They are meant for those who are just so horny they can't get enough of me. Lol.

OFFICIALLY SINGLE Part II

So I spent the night with my EX boyfriend. We had a small talk about why the relationship had to end. Basically, it was all me, my fault, my decision. He couldn't do anything about it. But I think he has already come into terms about the break-up. We are okay, friends, maybe just like what we are meant to be. We even had, and to quote Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, "plenty of sex" last night and this morning.

He also accompanied me last night at this alley in Recto to buy porn videos. 3 for 100. Pretty cheap huh? hehehe... Took all the guts I had just to approach manong vendor who was selling the VCDs. Hahaha...

When I woke up the next morning, still on his bed, he was chatting with some guys. Talk about moving on. I never realize breaking up was this easy. I even joined him while he was talking to a couple of guys and girls. Hahaha... And guess what we did on cam for the www to see? Hmmm... Use your imagination dearie.

***

It's mama's birthday today. Happy birthday Mama! I love you so much! Mwah!

OFFICIALLY SINGLE... again

Hayy.. It was so hard saying those words. Breaking up is definitely hard to do, maybe the hardest thing I ever did. I just could not stand a guy crying over me. It's just so... so.. so new. The feeling sucks but I guess I had to go through with it. It just ain't working for me anymore. I am selfish, I know. But you can't blame me. Or can you?

H&K has done nothing wrong. If there's someone to blame it's me. I dunno. It's just me. I can't stay long in something, well, basically anything. Be it work or otherwise. Guys, for me, as of now are like games. They end and when they do, somebody always loses.

But I wouldn't say that h&k got to the losing end. I want to still be friends with him. You know, for old times sake. I feel we could get along just fine. I am here with him at this cafe in Recto. He is uploading something for his Tita. We are talking at YM. I am even gonna spend the night with him.

We broke up over the phone and somehow I think we still have to talk about it. I still love him though.

I am gonna write more about it tomorrow.

CONFUSED

I got admitted to E-Telecare, a call center in Eastwood, and they wanted me to attend this 5-day training to polish my confidence coz mmy lack of it affects how I speak. That'll start next Monday. But they also told me that there's no guarantee that after the training I'll be given the job. With the training comes exams and evaluations if I am really capable of the job.

Adrienne, a girl I met there who was also applying got the same training as me. But she wasn't too happy about it. She thinks it's rejection guised as a training. She thinks we ain't good enough for the company that's why we have to undergo this polishing. This got me thinking. I am not being too pessimist but I think she has a point. Now, she's having second thoughts of pursuing the application. She still wants to continue her studies. She only has six units left, and that's her thesis.

I persuaded her to at least give the training a shot and if she doesn't like it she could leave. I just hope I convinced her.

Now, I am thinking if I really want to pursue a call center career. A lot of my friends say that there's no growth in this career and stuff like that. Though it's good money, you'll sacrifice a lot. My night life especially, since the job is gonna be mostly in graveyard shift. And there ain't no fixed schedule either. The shifts are rotating and we even have to go work on holidays including Christmas.

Oh well, If ever I pass the training and not be terminated along the process, I'll have to stay with the company for six months or else I'll pay the bond which costs Php 30,000. Hayy... I am so confused right now.


***

My friend Howie is gonna be gone for quite sometime so I am gonna wish him the best. Whatever it is that you are gonna fix, good luck! Be back soon, aight!

ONE GOOD DAY COMING UP

The fast few days have been so busy for me. Last Wednesday I was in Star City with my bf and his friends from PLM (Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila). That was my first time and we tried almost all the rides from bump boats to roller costers. It was nerve-wrecking. There was this ride called zyclone (something) and it was one helluva panicky ride. I was frightened after a few seconds of it. I think it was almost about a 3-storey building in terms of height. And midway through the ride, it made a 360 degrees turn, vertically. I couldn’t even scream. I just closed my eyes and held the handle bars real tight. After that ride I swore never to try it again. The haunted house and the other supposedly scary places ain’t scary after all. I just laughed at the mediocracy of the effects. But all in all the experience was great. I got to hang out with my bf and his friends whom were really great and good to me.

After that, we got a few drinks which left H&K dizzy and almost puking. We slept at one of his friends’ house and I left the next morning for an interview at Eastwood.

The interview went well. I passed the exam and I got a final interview come Tuesday. I just hope this turns out good. I am reallt excited about it, though call center ain’t really my priorities anymore. But hey, it’s still work and I need it, err… the money. Haha.

The next day, which was Friday, we (bf) went to Bulacan to his friend’s house. we spent the night there and went swimming the next morning (which was just earlier) at some lake just behind the house where we stayed. It was fun and his friends were so good to me. Went home around 2PM.

HE HAD ME AT HELLO | Reminiscing

The night is silent and cold. Like a ghost behind my back, memories of the past haunts me and send me into a form of nostalgia. I am transported back to a time when I felt happy and contented for the first time in my life. It was a time of extreme bliss. It was the time I met him.

He was the guy I was dreaming of for so long, someone I could finally love and be committed with. And I was, for almost three months.

I felt like Julia Roberts when I met him at Friendzy.com. And he definitely had me at hello. He used to flatter me with his messages telling me how funny my pictures were, that I was his stress-reliever at work, and that he was falling in love with me. I wanted to believe him and I did.

The first rendezvous was perfect. I met him outside his office then we had breakfast at McDonalds. I remember telling myself how I lucky I was to have met this guy. He was almost an embodiment of perfection: smart, handsome, stable and he loved/s me.

Right after breakfast we went to his place, an almost two-hour trip from his office. He introduced me to his grandma, a sweet old lady. While I sat on the sofa, smoking, he told me he was the one who designed their house. He was a graduate of architecture from UST, one of my many options before.

We would steal kisses from each other every time his grandma was out of sight. Libido was obviously rising up like a volcano about to erupt when he led me to their library. He showed me his computer and some of his cute pictures.

Then he kissed me. I kissed back and it started there. We made history inside that library. Finally it wasn’t just sex. It was making love, for the first time.

But that is all over now. He decided to be alone and I let him. A huge mistake but I have to accept it, sooner or later. We ended up not in good terms with each other. I feel he hated me. I still can’t figure out the reason. But I know he hated me for something I did. Another history was made and that I can’t change.

And now all I can do is stare at his picture in my study table, while I contemplate about life, could-haves, should-haves, would-haves and the likes.

JOB FAIR IN MALACANANG

Bumming around is taking its toll on me. After five months of doing nothing productive, my mom’s perspective of course, she is now forcing me to find a job. Two days ago, she called me up and told me about a job fair in Malacanang. Apparently, the President opened up a call center job fair where supposedly, 20,000 Filipinos will be given a chance to try their luck in a call center career. Mom heard it on the radio. So she immediately gave me a call and compelled me to try it out.

I said yes halfheartedly. I wasn’t really planning to go there for a couple of reasons. First, I don’t know the place and second, I don’t wanna go alone. Later than night, same day, she called me up again, reminding me of the job fair the next day. She asked me to be there around four in the morning so I could line up early. Duh!? As in? That early? I didn’t fight wit her on that anymore. If I am gonna drag my butt in the fair, I’d leave the house around 7AM.

I texted Joan if she was in Manila so she could accompany me but I got no reply so I texted H&K instead who were in Cavite that night for his friend’s debut. He said he’d catch me up in that fair not later than 10AM. He had to travel back to Manila early in the morning.

So I wasn’t really decided yet if I was going or not and I hate to break mom’s heart again. Before I slept that night, which was around 3AM, I readied my stuff like resumes and pictures. I saved my resume in a floppy disk so I could get it printed before I go to the fair the following day.

I arrived in the fair around 8AM all sweaty and shit from all that walking and asking around. Like I said, I ain’t familiar with that place. When I entered the gate of Malacanang, this security guard who was trying to be funny, I think, asked me where I was going with a straight face, as if I had a bomb on me. I immediately and calmly said I was on the way to the fair. Then with a sudden change of mood, he told me if I had already combed my hair. I let out a big nyehhh…. He was so feeling close. Haha… But it didn’t bother me. At least he would remember me for something – my hair.

I fell in line with the other applicants to get the registration form, which was life forever. When I was near my turn, I remembered I had no pen. So I immediately texted my bf to buy a pen on his way there. Good thing he arrived soon, with a pen of course.

I filled up the form and returned it and they gave me a stub of some sort, which I wasn’t sure what the purpose what. After that, we left the place to print out some more resumes.

We got back and everyone was lining up these booths. I lined up, filled out some forms for the companies, got interviewed by some of them, and then had an appointment for an interview with Convergys in 45 minutes. So my bf and I went to McDonalds to eat lunch and when I got back to the booth of Convergys, they told me I was already called but I wasn’t there. They told me to look for my resume in the huge stack of resumes. I wonder how many of then will actually pass the exams and the interviews. I saw mine right away because I used a different paper for my resume, which was pretty distinct. It was whiter and it had a texture. I was interviewed right away by this guy who I thought was cute when I saw him earlier. But when I came face to face with him, I figured he ain’t that cute, just kinda. After a couple of questions, I told him I already took the exams in their company, did my final interview and that JobsDB, this recruitment agency I was with that sent me to Convergys before, told me I was supposed to be on training already but that I hadn’t received any call from Convergys about it. He told me he’ll look into it and that he’d call me after it was settled. We shook hands and off I went to the next booth, the last one.

This particular booth had so many people lining up in front of it. And considering the sun was almost kissing our asses, people kept on coming. I got a brochure from the company and I checked it out. It had an email address where applicants could send their applications form to so I figured why line up with these people who were becoming sweaty and smelly when I could opt for the convenience of the Internet. So I looked for my bf and off we went.

We watched Raising Helen at SM Manila after, had a coffee and then went straight to our own houses. He hadn’t slept yet since the party last night so I decided he should go home and take a rest. And I was so tired too from that job fair so I went straight home.