FOR BHE

Haven't had enough sleep today. After my shift around 12:30PM earlier, I met up with Jen (from PET) . The three of us (with Emor) watched "One Missed Call" after. I was so sleepy then. All I wanted to do was to just let my eyes shut. But I couldn't. I was inseide the movie house, might as well enjoy what was being shown. The usual Asian horror-flick with a lot of hairs and crazy little kids. A lot of scary eyes too accompanied by a nerve-wrecking sound effect. The movie basically did it's goal - to scare people. I was shocked once or twice but Emor and Jen (I was in between them) were like little kids afraid for the dark, screaming at every turn of the flick. I wasn't that scared though. Maybe I was already numb. I have been watching horror flicks since time immemorial and it would take more than a movie to scare me off. I am not saying that I am this brave gay guy who ain't afraid of the dark. Oh no. Trust me, I am a coward in my own right. Always running away from the dark, form seclusion.

Anyways, Jen slept in my place today. For three hours till my brother woke us up for our shift today. Arrived in Eastwood around 1AM, had dinner, smoked some sticks and then parted. She is stationed in another building from me. Her shift starts the same as mine.

Before Jen and me went home, we had to drop by her place to get some clothes and stuff. We also surfed the internet for about half an hour, just enough to read Bhe's blog. I felt/feel very guilty. It seems like I am the bad guy who is ruining his life or something. I have been leading him on, unconsciously, all this time and it sucks to know that he's hurting so much. I never and will never want him to be hurt. I love that guy no matter how I say I don't wanna get back with him. When I commit, it is not because of sex. It is because I found something in the guy. Bhe is really special to me. And honestly, I have been thinking of trying it again, wondering if it could work. But deep in me I know it'll be a big mistake coz at the end of the day it'll be Marvin whom I truly love. My one and only.

Bhe, if you are reading this I am really really sorry. I hope you understand me no matter how incomprehensible it may seem. I too could not explain it well. I owe you an apology, I owe you a lot. Bhe, I know you've been very hurt and still now your hurting. I can see it in your words. I am really sorry. I want us to be friends, real good friends. I want you to be near me, to be there. This does not mean that you can't go on with your life and look for someone else. I suggest that you do in fact. There are lots of people in this world, in this lifetime. Don't confine yourself to the idea of "us". I am not the one you've been wanting. And you deserve someone as special as you are. Cliche, I know but it is the truth. There's no other way of saying that.

I love you Bhe and goodbye will never come from me.