Just came home from work. I’m allotting 2 to 3 hours of internet usage today before I hit the sack.
I am both happy and sad with what my office day turned out. I am happy because I knew that other people share my sentiments and frustrations at work about what happened. I am also happy that I got some email from my co-trainees who are in other programs greeting me for my birthday. I am happy because my co-employees, especially those I have had training with emailed me and said that they are afraid they are gonna be next on the list of people who are being pulled out from the floor. This somehow made me not-so-bad about myself. But still, what happened was really bad. I mean REALLY BAD. Big bold capital letters. Dig me?
I am sad however because amongst the 10 people (including me) who got pulled out first, I think I have the least chance of ever going back on the floor. These people are, should I vaguely put it, okay. These are the ones I would have looked up coz I have listened to some of their calls and they were great. Robin (a more tenured CSA*) told me earlier that however good your calls are for the day if you had one bad call and that call happened to be the one monitored by the quality assurance people (now these are bad people, really bad people), it could ruin the rest of your calls. And I believe her. That’s the risk we take and we can’t do anything about it. From the very beginning, we were told about that and that I can not dispute against.
The office seems so unfamiliar, so cold and so uninviting. It felt as if people were looking at you with piercing eyes reducing you to this tiny dust that suddenly you feel so useless and unwanted. That is how I feel until now. The program doesn’t want me anymore, that the program wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.
The rest of the re-trainees were so mad and depressed, someone even cut her hair short because of depression last Christmas, and that the atmosphere earlier was so negative. So negative that nobody was smiling or being friendly. I just had to be perky for the group so as to keep all of our sanity, if ever I still have one. I even told them that we should have a team name. One suggested we go for The Boobitas (meaning bobo, in English, DUMB), another one opted for The Pasaways. And so everytime I see an opportunity, I would always shout “perky!!!” with matching clap and a jump. “Perky! Perky! Get Peeeerrrky!,” went my line. But deep inside I wasn’t. I share what they have and I know exactly how it feels. It’s like you were blown away to space without any gear and you slowly suffocate to your death.
I emailed some friends earlier basically saying my goodbyes just in case. And Honey (co-trainee who happens to be in the same program) read it before her shift which was at the end of mine. I saw her crying in one corner while facing the computer. I asked why. She replied, Kababasa ko lang ng email mo (I just read your email). I wanted to cry as well but I had to stay strong for both of us, for the rest of us. I didn’t want other people to see me cry coz when I cry I feel so vulnerable, I feel I’m giving myself away to people I barely know.
It’s sad but life has to go on. Or like I always say, we could always kill ourselves. I’d rather have the first option.
If it’s gonna be a green light for me, I would feel really bad. But I can’t push myself to something that doesn’t fit me. Rainbows don’t always have a pot of gold at the end. Sometimes they have sh*t waiting for you to be stepped on.
I have a very low self-esteem or self-confidence that’s why. When people say something bad about me, I usually accept it, no questions asked. That’s me. Gotta deal with it. You don’t know how hard it is to deal with me everyday. You just don’t know…
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CSA* - customer service associate (this is who I am)
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