HE

I have written on this several times. You might even say this blog is slowly beginning to be about him and not me. I know I promised myself and you that I would move on and forget him, erase him from my thoughts, from this blog. The fact is, I can't. No matter how much I convince myself that he is not worth my time anymore, that he must be forgotten, that he has someone else and that he's happier now with what he has and without me, he still haunts me like a nightmare during childhood when ghosts were cute like Casper and when I wanted to be Peter Pan. The only difference is, now, I want Peter Pan for myself. The one in the recent movie that is.

I hate him and I love him so much. The truth is, I am still in love with him. Am I obsessed? Am I living too much in the past? Am I becoming the type of person I hate?

Before I used to pity my friends who can't seem to move on from their ex's. I used to preach them about looking for other guys and loving once again. I hate them for being so stupid, for being so difficult. Then I concluded things about love. Love is a sugar-coated sex. Love is a bitch. Love is pain. Love is hate, etc. I tried to avoid it. I always say I wasn't ready. But deep inside me I knew I was looking for it. I was hoping that someday someone I really like/love will like me back. But that never happened. Until him. He came when I was on the verge of breaking, of totally hating myself for being so ugly and so ugly and so ugly. He loved me for my ways, or so my pictures. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I let myself fall. And I did fall... too deep.

Now I can't move on from this maelstrom of his memories. I blame myself for being so easy. But I am thankful I was. For being with him was the most prefect moment of my life and without him the saddest.

I miss him so much. And I love him still.