I AM A TOTAL FAILURE

First with Emor and then with work. Argh! I am a total failure!

I woke up around 3AM earlier for my 4AM shift. I had my caffiene and nicotine shots and headed straight to the CitiBank building where my program is. When I entered the office AJ was already there sitting in one of the cubicles reading emails. I asked him what was new and he told me we had a new schedule for Saturday and Sunday. And also, the certification results were also released already and were emailed to the whole class. So I hurriedly opened mine in one of the computers just behind AJ, basically excited. But Microsoft Outlook had to install and I was already so fired up with what to read that I asked AJ if I could read the email from his computer since we were sent the same thing. When I read the certification results, I was stunned. I DID NOT PASS! Three of us didn't actually.

Because of that I could not take in calls for the day, or so I thought. I had to buddy up with a tenured CSA (costumer service associate) and also my TL(training leader I ain't sure this is my immediate supervisor) had to coach me for my AFIs (areas for improvement a subtle way of saying you suck). Pardon me for the jargons. I had to do buddy-ups till the certification next week on the 30th which is also the payday. So I got really disappointed and felt shit about myself. But I also had to compose myself coz I didn't want AJ to know I was feeling that way. I was almost teary-eyed but I kept it to myself.

I emailed everyone about my situation so they won't ask me or tell me about it anymore. Basically, I was hoping that they'll just drop the topic and leave it at that.

The coaching went nice since Alvin, my TL was really supportive and nice. He told me about my mark-downs or AFIs and how to improve them. After that I had to return buddying up with a tenured CSA but the CSA had break so I had to buddy-up with AJ.

I was beginning to feel okay about it especiallly that I was allowed to take in calls later in my shift. It went pretty well actually. I had like 13 calls and I think I gave them what they needed. Except for one call where I forgot to ask the costumer's name because the amount he was presenting was really huge and I didn not follow the correct procedure. The TL (another one) had to barge in after my call and ask about what was wrong with the call.

After my shift I headed up to the 20th floor where I found MJ lying on the couch asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she wanted to smoke which we did. We also ate at McDonalds and talked about problems, basically financial. You see I owe a friend 1,500 bucks and my cousin 700 bucks already. And was she. And we were so thankful that our payday would be next week already. Finally I can buy things for myself and I can pay all the money I owe.

Then MJ told me about our other co-trainees who were "forced leave." What the hell was that? It's another way of saying that you ain't good enough for this company so might as well leave! I started worrying about my status here because those people who were supposedly on leave also did not pass the first certification and the second one. What if I don't pass the second one? What if the re-certification is just a way to prolong the agony and put me in false hopes? What if I ain't good enough for this company? What if...? I was teary-eyed, worried and very confused. I wanted to shout but I couldn't, not with all those people around. MJ was very supportive. She even assured me that if I fail and was asked to leave the company she will get drunk with me. You see, she stopped drinking years ago and she swore never to again. She also told me that if I don't pass, she will also quit so we could look for another call center, together.

I was touched but at the same time guilty. I do not want her to worry that much about me. I don't want to drag her with me to my doom. That will be so unfair. She worked hard to pass and she can't just leave that behind because of me... just because of me... just because of a stupid Ian who couldn't even make a simple mock call right!

Now I am so worried. I am beginning to resign myslef to not being able to pass the recertification so it won't hurt when the time comes, which is like three days from now.

Goodbye everyone in eTel. Had fun while it lasted.