A WEEK THAT WAS!

Sorry if I was out for several days. Not that nothing happened for the past few days or anything. Actually, so many things happened. Here’s the rundown.

Monday

I was at GMA-7 for an interview. I applied, through a friend, as a researcher or a production assistant in the station’s new TV show, OUT! It is gay-oriented program which, needless to say, tackles gay issues.

I haven’t heard from them yet so I am supposing I didn’t pass the interview. So much for being a kapuso.

Wednesday

Watched “Laws of Attraction,” which starred Julianne Morre and Pierce Brosnan, with a guy at SM North Edsa. Did something naughty inside the movie house that left us both with painful tummies. Had coffee after talking about sex and a place to do it. Roamed the mall after and ended up in the 4th level of the car park.

The floor was empty, expect for a janitor. I hurriedly unzip his pants and got his throbbing cock out of his boxers. I gave him a head. He went home pretty satisfied.

That night I went out with a couple of guys to Farenheit (more like Epitome) somewhere in E. Rodriguez. After spending hours (them) in a videoke machine, we headed to the shower room. Of course, we were butt naked. Then they disappeared. I wanted to explore the place more but I wasn’t really comfortable showing off my naked body with only a towel on. Most of the guys there had good-looking bodies so I got dressed and headed upstairs to the AVR where porn is being shown. Spend the rest of the night there while drinking beers, feeling bored and sleepy. After the movie, I decided to leave the place. Went out at around 2AM.

Called another guy I was talking a lot with recently and asked if he wanted to meet. Fortunately, he was still up so he met me at Cubao. We proceeded to his place and talked. Watched a porn movie which was really more of disgusting than arousing. I told him to shut it off after several minutes. Spent the following day at his place, rented a couple of decent movies, met his virgin bestfriend, his family and went home around 10PM, Thursday.

He was cute by the way. I didn’t expect him to be so adorable. I couldn’t stop myself from staring at him, pinching his nose and hugging him tight. I really liked him. But he didn’t like me. Got to move on.

While I was in his place, a guy texted me asking for my landline number. Since I was out of the house, I asked him to call up at the guy’s number I was with. They ended up talking and now, they’re lovers. Argh! Hurts but I can’t do anything. Jealousy covered my face. Well his happy now so I beter bug off.

Now
I am talking to this wonderful guy right now. He’s four years younger than me, short for my ideal age, and is a college student at some school in Manila. He’s sweet, thoughtful and is a good singer. Just earlier I asked him to sing “Because of You” by Keith Martin though I like Kyla’s version better.

I hope this turns out good. I am really beginning to fall for him.

MAYBE THIS COULD BE IT!

I was browsing the TV late last night after finishing tons of laundry when I chance upon a sort of talk show with the President and the Vice President. The topic was about infrastructures being built to provide better transportation. It also tackeld future projects like decongesting Metro Manila, improving the quality of life, transferring some government agencies to provinces, etc.

I am really not a fan of the government. I hate politics. People in it are a bunch of craps and corrupts. The country is obviously sinking, and fast. Though I am not a pure activist at heart. I am a semi-activist in my own right, if I may sayso. I think rallies and demonstrations are ineffective already. The government is already numb with these kinds of actions.

So back to last night. I found myself listening attentively to everything the President said, unbelievably. I have never been a fan of GMA but last night I was, for a moment. Somehow I found myslef believing that she could make a difference, that she was sincere, that she can rebuild a wrecked, poor nation such as ours.

Maybe I have been very pessimistic about the government or this administration. I would have voted for Lacson if I were able to vote during the last elections. I believed in him. A Marcos-type persona. I thought kamay na bakal would be the answer. That, I will never know. But now, GMA sits in power. I and all of us could only hope for the best. And last night, she proved herself worthy to me of every vote she got, legitimate or not.

WAKING UP IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BED

Woke up in someone else’s bed today. And I didn’t even get his real name. Haha…

My quest for a good time last night ended in, read this, Bulacan. Chatted with lots of guys last night. One guy invited me over his place in Pasig. I went there and gave him a head at his building’s rooftop, while small raindrops were falling from the starless sky. From the rooftop the view was magnificent. The horizon was full of city lights which blurred if you look at it long. The Makati skyline was breathtaking. It felt like we were on top of the world. It was so romantic until… he stood in front of me.

When the rain became heavy, we ended the escapade inside his laundry room because his roommate was around.

I left his place quite early. Then I got a text message while I was on the MRT home. A guy was inviting me out next week. Told him I could meet him that night and that I could go to his place. Fortunately, there was no one home but him that time. I dropped off at Quezon avenue station, one station before my original stop, coz it was easier to get a ride from there and the trip was gonna be faster. After less that 45 minutes, I was waiting for him at 7-11 just as we agreed.

He was fast. The next thing I remember I was sitting on his bed, my pants off and my boxers slightly pulled down. Then it happened.

It was 11PM when I left his place. Quite early, I thought. So I called up another guy who was excited to meet me. Told him I could stay overnight at his place. He had been waiting an anticipating to get a piece of me.

After almost an hour, I was on a bus to Meycuaun, Bulacan. He fetched me up at some gasoline station and then we took a pedicab to his place. When we arrived at his house, his father was sitting asleep with the TV on. He must have fallen asleep while watching TV. With small, silent steps, we went to his room. He then got a couple of beers for the two of us. I didn’t drink though. I don’t drink Pilsen so I smoked a stick of cigarette instead and then we talked.

Then it happened and it happened again when we awoke the next day. A couple of condoms were scattered on the floor and the sheets were everywhere.

Arrived home around 3PM. I missed my bed last. I am gonna have a good night sleep Argh! I feel like a whore…

DISTANT MEMORY

Slept over at a friend's house last night somewhere in Fairview. She's a college friend and a kababayan. I also met her cousins which were from Romblon too, though we live in like extreme ends of the island. But nevertheless, they were a true born Romblomanons.

It brought a feeling of nostalgia. Deep inside me, there was a warm feeling of familiarity and of guilt. It has been almost three years since I stepped foot on that isalnd. Back then, in my frosh years here in the metro, going home were like rewards after every semester's work and struggles and hardships in college. Excitement would always cover my whole face everytime I get on the ship's dock, meeting familiar faces, chatting in my homegrown dialect, wondering who changed the most, comparing skin tones to figure out who is fairer from whom, updating myself with the lates rumors back home and among my high school batchmates, who married who and who got pregnant, and whatnot.

But those are just distant memories now. I have changed, and I would like to believe, for the better. For the past few years I have stayed away from my high school friends and classmates. For I have been a victim of a nasty rumor made by people whom I believed to be and whom I once called friends. I have been hurt, disappointed and degraded. And for what? Just to be a topic for some useless conversations? This is one of the reasons why I prefer to stay here in Manila. Away from the eyes of intrigues and close-mindedness, away from frustrations, away from where I once called home.

I have been transformed as an urbanite. And Manila more than welcomes me. Rural life ain't really for me. Conservative ain't in my blood. I wanted to be free, and now I am. I won't trade that fro anything else. For some people I might be just another probinsyano who got drugged by the urban. But for me, this is my destiny.

Christmas Party at a beach resort owned by a claamate.

I left for Manila a day before due to some disappoinments.

WAY BELOW ZERO BALANCE

Just visited the ATM machine. Argh! Balance is way below zero. I can't withdraw nothing. I have no phone credits and worst, i am gonna be stuck at home for the rest of the day. I just hope mom sentds me money later.

Woke up at 11am today. Quite early considering I slept like almost 4am earlier. I was awaken by the bright light of the sun slapping my face and a neighbor's blabber about being responsible. I think she was talking to her sister. said her friends might get her in trouble or she might get pregnant and how gasoline costs nowadays. Too far-fetched if you ask me. I swear I can hear someone crying. Must be the sister. I just had to open my eyes and welcome a brand new day. Had a couple of bread and a cup of coffee and of course, a smoke. Afterwhich, the encounter with my ATM balance. Argh!

So since I have nothing to do today, which is more like I can't do anything due to budgetary constraints, I will try to bug my cousin to install Adope Photoshop in his computer and let me make the third version of my website. Tried bugging him last night but he didn't budge an inch. He was either busy playing Ragnarok or downloading MP3 from the net. Maybe I need to develop my convicing power. If he weren't my cousin and he were gay i could offer a blowjob. Hahaha. Totally gross. Just thinking of it makes me puke!

JOB HUNTING

No matter how I say that I will become serious with my job hunting, the fast is, I am not. Everytime I face the computer, all I do is check my website, got to my profiles, my blog and chat and then meet up people. I instantly forget to look for a job. Come night time when I am all dusty and bored, I analyze my day and find out always how unproductive I have been.

But that's gonna change tomorrow. I'll take job hunting seriously. I am even considering the job offer my friend told me a couple of days ago. She wants me to become her photographer when she starts working in some website next week. She has to review party places around the metro. I think I am gonna enjoy it. At least I don's have to bug people every night to go out. Now I can go out with her ans the drinks are free. Although the job is pro bone, I still find it okay. It would look good on my resume and besides, she is my friend. Dear friend.

Exposure to boredome can really lead me to my decadence. Every night I find it hard to lull myself to dreamland. How can I, really? I usually wake up in the afternoon when the sun is kissing my face, do nothing exhausting for the day, drink lots of coffee etc. I need to look for something to busy myself with. And that photography stint is so far the best way I know. And while I am at it, I am gonna look for a job, real one.

It's time to get those stacks of phonebooks and contact some friends for referrals. I need to feel the rumpus of the city once again. Somehow, I miss it.

QUEST FOR A NON-EXISTING GUY

About the search for the perfect boyfriend. I am taking it more seriously now. Here are some qualifications.

He must be above 21 years of age, mature and has a job.
He must be lean or muscular but not buff.
Of course, he must be cute with nice eyes, lips and is clean looking. Someone I can be proud to introduce to my friends and who knows, maybe my family.
He must not be too gay.
Must be 5’7” or taller.
A good conversationalist. Has lots of ideas. Sensible.
If he likes cats, the better. As you all know, I love cats. Garfield is a hero.
Must be fun to be with, in bed or otherwise.
And of course, he must also love me for who I am.

More like this guy. If you see him around please call me up ASAP!

With these traits, I am sure to find no one. Hahaha. But hey! It’s worth the try.

PRISONER OF MY ILLUSIONS

I guess I am a prisoner of my own illusions. What was I thinking? I was about to change the most vital part of my gayhood. SEX.

So I met up with a couple of guys for the last three days. Actually, I met four guys to be exact. One with a car, another with a wife and a kid, a college student who loves to say “actually” in every sentence he makes, and a guy who’s bound for Dubai in a couple of months. Two of them I had sex with, one I have watched a movie with and a conversation over a cup of coffee and the other one I talked with in front of 7-11 near my place while it was raining so hard. You can probably say I was busy these past few days. Well, I really was.

A MEMOIR TO AN ANGEL

It was a lonely Thursday night. The place was almost empty. I ordered a bottle of beer on a glass filled with ice cubes. Just the way I liked it.

My heart was full of anticipation, excitement and fear. Finally I was about to meet him. I lit a cigarette to release the tension covering my upper body. My hands were shaking. In my head I was thinking of how I would greet him. Should I say "hi" or should I go "thanks for coming" and shake his hands? But my hands were beginning to wet. And I could feel sweat flowing through the surface of my chest. It was as if my heart was crying.

Suddenly, in a corner, I saw him. I tried to look away, to act as if I didn't care. But he somehow captured my eyes. And my eyes stared steadily at his face. He smiled.

He sat beside me. I could see he was beyond beautiful. He was angelic. The heavens let out an angel for me tonight. He smiled again and he was majestic, almost holy. His eyes were radiant like the stars that were lacking that night. Eyes that were bound to haunt me for as long as I live, and maybe in death.

Then I noticed, I couldn't stop looking at him, at his face, at his lips, at his eyes. He caught me several times and made face in return by sticking out his tongue or pouting his lips. He was boyishly cute. He was certainly an angel.

That angel was mine that night. I wish he could be mine forever.

TWO CONDOM WRAPPERS UNDER MY BED

I am officially 14 hours awake and I still can't get myself to sleep. Just came out of the shower in hope that cold water would make me sleepy but it didn't do any good. Instead, I am wide awake writing this entry.

I also cleaned my room before the shower. The two-week old bed sheet had to go. So were the pillow cases. I also stacked up some books scattered on the floor and threw away a couple of condom wrappers from under my bed. Haha. I am gonna try to clean more when I get up later and maybe do my laundry too, if I am not too tired.


Last night...

It was more like early morning yesterday. I was talking to this guy I met at Friendster.com. I first met his friend who lives in London. we exchanged messages to each other for a couple of weeks until he introduced me to his friend in Manila, the guy I was talking to last night.

He is 20 and stands 6'2" and is a college student at some high-end university in town. Apparently, he claims he's straight but is open-minded. Too open-minded perhaps that he is open to the possibility of a relationship, me and him. Haha.

I doubt him of course. For a could of reasons. First, he's straight, or at least he claims to be. And for all I know he just wants me to give him a head. Although I could do that even without the relationship. Haha. Second, he was drinking when we were exchanging SMS messages, though he told me he isn't drunk. He even called me to prove he wasn't at the mercy of alcohol yet. He also said he was serious about the "relationship."

So I'm meeting him on Monday for a cup of coffee and some chit-chat of course. He told me I could also drop by his place in Makati after. He lives with his family so he asked me to be very discreet about the "relationship" if ever I were to go to his place. As if there is a "relationship." But I am gonna meet him for sure but I ain't counting on anything. Not just yet. I'm gonna keep my guards alert.

I've seen his type. Straight guys can be crumpled into two types: the ones who are just for the money and some sex and the ones who too friendly and leave you broken in the end like a fallen chandelier from above the ceiling, scattered and broken.


Wanted: Boyfriend

I have been loving people who don't love me back for so long and I think it is about time I get some loving for myself.

Remember that angel I was talking about in one of my previous posts? It is confirmed. He doesn't like me, at all. I do understand him. He's too good for me. He has a sexy boyfriend and a happy relationship. I am not the one to ruin it. I have even erased his number from my phone book so I couldn't bug him no more. And the piece of paper I used to write down his number? I tore it to pieces and dumped it straight to the trash which the garbage collector will take come Saturday or maybe Wednesday.

But I still feel the same about him. I still love him. His eyes, his lips, his, everything. And here I go again... If only I were good enough for him. I would have had the guts to steal him away from his boy. Hayyy... Now I am dreaming...

Life is such a puzzle isn't it? You love people, but they don't love you back, not even an inch of attraction. And those people who just aren't your type are the ones professing their love to you! It really doesn't work the way we want it to.

So I have decided to try to give these people a chance. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll finally have a boyfriend.

So all you willing bachelors out there, come and get me.

Haha...

LIFE BEGINS NOW

A new Christian has been born. This time it is for real. This one is gonna be better, sexier and cuter. Hahaha…

After suffering from the “boringest” Saturday night of my life, I have come to realize so many things. I assessed myself from different angles; physically, psychologically, emotionally and the like. First things first. Earlier today, which was more like yesterday, I invited a friend, Serge, that we go to gym together. Fortunately, there was one near his place so that solved the problem of finding one. And it is a lot cheaper than those more famous gyms around. I think he would be a great company.

Actually I started working out earlier by lifting heavy stuff for 45 minutes. It really showed impressive results. I think I have a very good chance for making myself fit in no time at all. I even made a chart which I posted behind my bedroom door so I could record improvements I have made for every exercise. Hopefully, after a few months time, I could finally go out half naked on the beach or a pool or even inside bars. Haha…

Of course, I am gonna start taking vitamins and some protein supplements. Smoking will also have to be lessened. My goal is five sticks a day. I know that will a challenge but I am up for it. Eventually I will stop smoking or I will only smoke occasionally.

Second, I am gonna be serious on my job-hunting. I’m gonna attend my interviews and stuff. I am thinking of applying to GMA-7 or ABS-CBN or Studio 23 as a writer. If all else fails, I’m gonna go Call Centers. Besides, I need a job to support myself and the things I want/need. I am really starting to become an embarrassment to my parents and siblings. I am a degree holder from a premiere university and I have no job?! Shameful.

Third, I am gonna lessen my sexual apetite. If you have been reading my blog you should know that I am a very sexual person. I do it like twice a week, even everyday if I have the chance. I even have FBs (fuckbuddies).

And I have been thinking . I have hurt so many people for being a player so I decided to take things slow and maybe, just maybe, I will commit myself once again. Not just to anyone of course. I’m going for mature (21-29 years of age) and settled (like my first) guy. So if you are reading this and you think you somehow qualify, better hit me now. Hahaha…

What Happened?

I was in Malate, a famous party place for PLUs, last Saturday night with a guy I met earlier that day on the net. He wasn’t what I had expected. He was cuter on his pictures. We had a few drinks at New York Café and after headed to Red Banana due to my insistence.

The place was deserted when we got it considering it was RB’s first year anniversary. The heavy rain that night might have discouraged party-goers to go out. Unfortunately, it didn’t daunt us a bit. I brought an umbrella which was really so uncomfortable. Hahaha…

To cut the long story short, boredom almost swept me to insanity. My date was a total bore. Not much of a talker. He was not even my type. Fortunately, well not really as what would happen later in the night, I saw my crush. We talked earlier that day and he told me he wasn’t going out so I was surprised to see him and must I say, happy. But it turned out he was with a date. So I was stuck with my date. Imagine me just staring nowhere while he tried to do some lame dance in front of me.

When my date asked me to the darkroom, I enthusiastically said yes and followed him, holding his hand, while we passed through that dark, sinful but satisfying, smelly with sweat and semen corner of the second floor. Suddenly someone from behind me held my butt tight. Turned out it was my crush. We kissed but the light went on so we had to stop. He left and went to his friends and my date was nowhere to be found.

I saw my date drinking a bottle of beer near the staircase. Apparently, he saw what happened to me in the darkroom. He told me it was okay and that I could hook up with any guy I want around the room. Feeling guilty and all I said I couldn’t do what he just told me because I was on a date with him. But inside me I was hoping he would leave so I could track down my crush and continue what we started. We went downstairs and watched some guy do dirty dancing on the stage. But my eyes were everywhere. I was hoping my crush would pass by. I decided to check my phone which was outside because cellphones weren’t allowed inside for security reasons. When I got back my date was nowhere so I decided to track down my crush. I saw him and we kissed again.

Then he told me I was a fool.

WHY?

My crush and I met Wednesday that same week at the same place. When we parted, he sent me an SMS message telling me he was disappointed because I didn’t kiss him. He confessed that he liked me. Being a player that I am, I made him believe that I like him back. Part of it was truth though. I like him. He’s cute. I just don’t find myself being in a relationship with him.

He obviously had too much to drink that he started pointing fingers to my face blaming me for something I didn’t really understand. Then he left and said he’s be back in a sec. he was gone for like a zillion years and when he did he said he was leaving.

My insides yelled, OUCH! Then I thought, maybe it is Karma!

I busied myself with my last stick.

In hope to rescue my worsening night, I texted a friend (who also confessed he liked me and who was in Malate that night too). But he already left. Then I texted another chatmate who was supposed to meet me after my date and who was with a boring date too in Malate that night. He told me to wait and so I did. But it took like forever so I called him up. He said he’d be there so put off my horns and stayed in my place with lovers all around nibbling, kissing and imagine-what-else.

After like eternity and noticing that the sun was out already, I finally decided to go home.

Outside I bought three sticks of cigarette and a couple of candies and waited for a cab. But everyone else were also waiting for a cab which are nowhere to be found when you really need them. Then I saw my crush, who had just become an asshole, going my way.

You’re going home alone?

Obviously.

That came as an insult, really. Was he expecting me to find someone to take home and have sex with? That moment I realized he had the right to think of me that way. If there’s an asshole in that place, it was me. I tried to hhok up with four guys that night and I went home empty-handed.

On the way home I have done a lot of thinking. I was a total wreck. Karma is fast approaching my way and I could almost feel it touching me.

I have to change. I have hurt so many people in my quest for acceptance, to prove people can like me. And I have been accepted, liked and loved even but I took that all for granted. I don’t even know where love and lust differ. This has to stop.

So that was it, the story that made me want to change, a story that will never be forgotten. I am ashamed, very ashamed. And I am really, really SORRY.

I am gonna be better. I will try my best!

LAST NIGHT WAS LOVE

I just woke up again. Well, what's new anyways? I think I might have had too many a beer last night. I woke up with my head spinning and heavy. Argh!

So I was really bored yesterday. Was facing the computer the whole day looking for something exciting to happen. I was chatting and then this invite came out of somewhere. It said about a party that's happening in Malate later that night. And since it has been ages since I last went out I decided I should go. But I wouldn't go alone. No No. So I called up some people and luckily this gorgeous guy said yes.

We haven't really met before last night. So I was nervous and shaky and all when I was waiting for him at New York Cafe. I ordered Strong Ice and started my way while waiting. And when he showed up, a big smile was on my face. It stayed that way the whole time. We waited for his friend and I would catch myself staring at him God! Was he beautiful. He has the cutest eyes and when he smiles, it's like heaven is opening its doors for me. He makes this funny faces whenever he catches me staring at him. And he's so cute, boyish, and fun. I was really having the time of my life. And then...

So when his friend arrived, we drank some more beers and then headed to Epitome, where the party was. The place was cool. It had a sauna, gym, bar, private rooms etc. It is like a one-stop shop for PLUs* looking for a great time. We stayed near the dance floor. We really weren't for the darkroom thingy and other nasty stuff. Well, not yet. We got our free bottles of beer. The two invited me to dance. I said no. You know I don't dance right? Not when i'm not drunk. They are so fun to be with. We laughed all night. Though I felt a tinge of being an excess baggage. I just stared at him the whole time. He was so beautiful. I really like him. But I am sure too that the feeling is not mutual. He's too good for me. He's too perfect.

Suddenly I remembered Trojan's post two days ago about being with the wrong guys. He is a disaster waiting to happen, a heartache about to explode. But I really like him, a lot.


*PLUs n. an abbreviation of the phrase people like us

SEX

That was one hell of a sexExperience!

Hahaha. I know you are all dying to know who he is. He's this guy I met ealier at some chatroom at Yahoo. He's cute but kinda short. but hell, was it fun!

You know, Yahoo gives a lot of oppurtunities for people like US to meet up and get to know each other, maybe a little more better. To the point of undressing each other while kissing each other's nipples. Hahaha. Perve right? But like I always say, I believe that somewhere inside us or part of us has a tendency to become a perve. Well, given the right gorgoues yummy guy. Lol.

Anyways, I am here at SM North Edsa [a mall] and I am gonna watch the last full show of Garfield the movie. I love cats, like I said in my previous post. A friend of mine likes to call it "lust full show" for obvious reasons. Considering it is dark inside moviehouses and a lot can happen. I'll leave it at that. You'll have to use your imagination. I'm not gonna spoonfeed you with the details.

But I am nto about to do that tonight. I am gonan concentrate on watching that rude cat swing his tail. Grafield has been a fave since high school. I could even draw his face while blind-folded. I'm a big fan of the feline species, and that includes Catwoman which I saw Yesterday.

RIGHT GUY?

Lawrence Chou


Isn't he gorgeous? I first saw him at this horror flick The Eye. He played a doctor to a girl who just had her eye transplant. He was responsible for the psychological department of the operation. Eventually they feel in love with each other.


I watched the movie several times already. And now you know why. Last night, because of my insomnia, I watched it again for the nth time. Lawrence is really cute. Isn't he? He has the most beautiful eyes and devilish-boyish face. A heartbreak waiting to happen.


Which reminds me. I have been visiting this wonderful blog by a guy I met (cyber-wise) at some website. He's name is Trojan. His recent entry was about falling for teh wrong guys. Argh! Was he absolutlety right. We (I am supposing you are like me or else you wouldn't read this) tend to fall for the wrong guy; unattainable guys.


And I quote Trojan:
What's it about guys who are unattainable, the type whom you know is just plain WRONG, the kind you already envision the heartache, tears and endless rounds of solitary ice cream sessions in front of your telly on stormy nights before the first date has ended. Like an addiction, like a insatiable chocolate craving, I just close my eyes and wade right in.

Sidebar

Anyways, I am going to watch Garfield the movie later. I have seen Catwoman yesterday with a friend. She was a bomb! I mean I loved the way that cat swings her tail. Wow! I just noticed, felines are recently a fave amongst movie producers. I, myself, love cats. In fact I have 21 cats at home. Hahaha...

LOVE and SOMETHING ELSE

“Love is just a pastime one tends to outgrow. Eventually it becomes a bore.”

Got this one from Le Divorce, a movie with Kate Hudson starring it. Well the quote didn’t really came from Kate’s mouth but from another character in the movie

I don’t know if it’s true. It is a very cynical way of looking at love, don’t you think? It puts love into question. Is there really such a thing called love? Or can love really exist?

I used to be as cynical myself. I even used to believe that love is just sugar-coated sex. But from my experience, love is there… somewhere. I love my family, some of my relatives, my friends and some people who don’t really know I love them. I just don’t believe that someone I love (partner-wise) will love me back for long and for good.

Love exists. You can find it anywhere. Love is in the air, the person beside you while you ride the MRT to Ayala, under the sheets of your bed, in chatrooms, emails, websites, bars, that coffee shop you always go to when you are bored, anywhere.

In my experience, you will know it’s love when you can’t stop thinking about him (by “him” I am referring to a possible partner. I’m using that pronoun coz I’m more likely to be with a guy than with a girl), when you start putting photos of him in one of your picture frames in your room under the lampshade near your bed where you can stare at it long before sleeping.

It is when you can’t stop sending him messages to his mobile phone at every hour of the day and still find it not enough that you stay up late just to say “Hi, what are you doing? Can’t sleep. Argh! I love you,” even if he tells you its annoying him. It’s when you can’t wait to meet him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays of the week because those are his day-offs from work. It’s when you smile and take a deep breath while you stare at him sleeping like an angel. It’s when your online journal begins to be flooded with happy moments with him contrary to the usual I-hate-this-world-life’s-a-bitch mode.

It’s when you tell him it’s gonna be okay if he leaves you for another guy as long as he’s happy coz you believe in the saying “If you love a person, set him free. If he comes back, you’ll know he’s yours” when deep inside you’re wishing he won’t. it’s when you change your ways and yourself to satisfy his wants. It’s when you go to his place just to see him and hug him and kiss him even if it’s a hundred miles away from yours. It’s when you can’t keep your hands off him. It’s when you strat to love everything about him.

Love does some crazy shit but that’s the way it goes. And eventually he’ll leave you with the pretense that he needs time for himself and that he can’t love you the way you love him, and because you love too much, you’ll say “Okay. I understand. Have a nice life. Thanks for everything. Have fun.”

THE END.

OPRAH and ME

I was watching Oprah’s Bash Birthday Party aired at Studio 23 earlier.
It was her 50th birthday. Everything was so special. Every single detail was lovely. According to the host, this is to make her feel loved and special and significant which I think she felt. Who wouldn’t? She had Celine Dion serenade her and every big Hollywood stars as her guests. She even had this O-table made for her. And her party was held at Bel-Air.

It makes me think how lucky she is. She has so many people love her, adore her and care about her. Her persona transcends cultural boundaries, social strata and other things which make people divided.

I wanna be like her. Adored, loved. I wish I could make a difference, influence people, make changes for the better and lots of other things.

Watching the show, envying everything about her makes me feel so USELESS. I couldn’t even get myself a job. How can I even promote change with what I am right now.

Argh! This idleness is really taking its toll on me. I can not even believe for myself that I haven’t been out of the house for four days. Grand Theft Auto III, the playstation game which kept me busy for the three days is now over. I have completed all the missions, bombed a flying helicopter and plane, assassinated Mafia members, allied with a Yakuza and rescued a seemingly disgruntled girl from the Columbian gang. And now I don’t have anything else to put my mind into. I was even thinking of buying the next version of that game. My brother said it is available already. Argh!

YESTERDAY, I LOVED

I was surprised to hear my phone’s alarm went on struck 12:01 earlier. I was busy playing Grand Theft Auto III (Playstation 2) when it rang. I quickly turned it off and continued the game.

It was pretty recent since I really enjoyed playing computer games. Somehowmy brothers finally got me. It started with Naruto and then Grand Theft Auto III. And to my astonishment, I found the equipment pretty neat. Thought it was boring and a waste of time before. But it isn’t after all.

I ended the game around 3am when I found a mission too hard to crack. I decided I would continue it tomorrow.

After taking a bath, I checked my phone and then I figured out why its alarm went on at 12:01am earlier. Today is the 26th of the month. Suddenly I felt sad and alone, regretful and stupid. I went out and had a stick and pondered “what ifs.” My eyes began to wet as I remembered those happy times. The way he sleeps, the way his face goes really goofy and cute when he smiles, the smell of his perfume, the way everything seems so perfect when he holds my hand, how almost perfect he is and how I love him so much. They will forever be just a part of my distant past. Something I could never get back. For yesterday I loved.

APATHY ON A FRIGID TWILIGHT OF A SATURDAY

The night is cold. There is indifference in the air. The rain earlier seemed to have awashed the background hushed. The whole village is at rest, except me. There are the constant hushing of fast moving cars outside the village. I can hear them from here, my room. At times, drag races are held in that avenue. Not tonight, I think. The road is slippery and wet from the rain. Too dangerous to race perhaps. But then again, it’s still early. Races usually begin around one in the morning when racers have the avenue for themselves.

It’s Saturday night. I should be out partying and getting drunk. Of course, hooking up with a gorgeous guy after the party is always a bonus. Instead I am here, in my room, on my looney-toon inspired covered bed, trapped in this apathy.

Boredom keeps me company during sleepless nights. Nights like this. This is my problem. I couldn’t stay idle for just one second. My system longs for action, for work, anything to keep me busy. I just could not pinpoint the hub of this dissatisfaction, of this boredom. Somehow I miss being in college again when overnights for reports, projects and papers are as often as blinking an eye. I miss those times. Especially tonight.

If I had work I wouldn’t be like this. Probably. Especially if I work on graveyard shoft. By then my insomnia would be finally out into good use.

Ouch! Mosquitoes are feasting on me. Got to dispose all my laundry tomorrow. My room is a mess. And this bedsheet. Gotta replace it with a new one. Maybe that Garfield printed one will be nice.

Garfield! My favorite cartoon character ever. Used to draw his face on every notebook, sheets of paper, anywhere back in high school. I saw this huge Garfield stuff toy earlier at a mall. It’s being raffled off for the showing of that Garfield movie. I have to get it.

Oh well. So much for this journal. I will take a smoke and maybe sleep after. I hope…

RAPPORT WITH DEPRESSION

I can not explain it. Many people would have considered suicide but somehow I find rapport with depression. Crying ever single night thinking how ugly and stupid and did I say ugly, I am.

Through the years, I have been downcast in finding happiness. Real happiness. Somehow it makes me question the measure of true mirth. If being happy means having someone you love, love you back, then I totally fail in that department. Reminds me of a phrase from Moulin Rouge. “The greatest thing in this world is to love and be loved in return.”

Of course, I have had a taste of how to love and be loved in return. Though shortlived, my first relationship did made me feel loved. Or I would like to believe so.
But I also believe that happiness does not come from that alone. If that were the case then this world must be full of lonely people, right? I am not discounting the many friends I have. Friends who support and love me for who I am, with all my flaws and inconsistencies. And especially my family. I love them a lot. And they love me.

And somehow, being depressed gives me a sense of continuity, of consistency. I have been like this for so many years that the two and a half month relationship I had with this gorgeous guy broke that pattern.  I don’t know nor I am sure I will stay depressed for long but as of now I really don’t care. I have other things in my mind. First things first, so they say. There are other worlds out there, important things to think about. And that’s looking for work and actually staying long in it. Or maybe long enough to even get the first salary.

My goal has totally been retracked since the break-up. Moving in with BF in a nice comfy apartment isn’t a priority anymore. Besides, before I can actually do that, I first need a job. Of course, SEX won’t be ignored. A dosage of lust, overflowing sweat, some pumping action, grinding and bumping is a necessity to survive being single. Yeah baby!

And life has to go on. Slowly but surely. Easy to say but really tough to achieve. But hey! Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

Abysmally Forlorn

I am abysmally forlorn. These past few days has been nothing but depressing.

Work seems like impossible to find and I just lost the only relationship I have. And I am to blamed for both. 
 
Maybe it is true. I am better off alone. I mean it worked for me for the past 21 years, didn't it? Why would it fail me now? Right? 
 
Crying has been my game and Rejection my name for so long. I somehow missed that. And now I have every reason to be again. I am back to being an angst-ridden-world-hater bitch I was before. 
 
What was I thinking? I couldn't have believed it would last forever. I let love get me and now I have to pay the prize. 
 
And now I fortify myself because I was dumb and stupid and pathetic. I learned my lesson. Love ain't for me. Definitely not for me. 
 
I am putting up this facade that I am okay and that I am swiftly moving on when in fact I am trapped in this dimension of sour-graping and bitterness. Only time will tell if I am gonna stay here or not. But as of now I am gonna find ways to enjoy torturing myself while I am here. It's what I do best anyway. I am a masochist, am i not? I take pleasure from pain. Somehow I believe that.
 


 

My Laundry And Marvin

12:45 PM

The laundry's spinning. I have about 15 minutes before I go down again and drain the machine. I am here in my refuge. My bed.

A lot of people arrived today. My ever-so-negative-on-me grandmother, my equally-negative-on-me uncle, my cousins which I barely see anymore, and my Tita whom alledgedy had a secret marriage with her boyfriend. Turned out it wasn't really a secret. My grandmother told me she was married in front of a judge. I dunno thought if there is going to be a church wedding.

I am not excited. Oh no. Never. For the last four years or more I have seen how they treat us, our family. Me. My mother once told me not to hate them instead take it as some sort of a challenge. And I do. Someday I will prove to them I can make it. And graduating on time was the first step.

I am happy to see one cousin though. Catherine. My ever so twisted and confidant friend. We get along most of the time. Except that she loves to watch Tagalog films while I don't. Well I do occasionally given the good reviews and all. She called up yesterday and asked me to watch All my Life with her. I said, Duh! Never! But nevertheless, I love her. Amidst her young age, she's very mature and open-minded. If there's one person in the clan* who knows me, really, it would be her.

My 15 minutes is over. Better check my laundry.

2:08PM

Just finished laundry. Bought a bottle of Coke and made myself a peanut butter sandwich.

I remember Marvin. He seldom texts me anymore. He never calls like he used too. Well, his bill is going really up and I understand he's busy with work and all. And everytime he goes home he would sleep the whole day to rest. Then off to work come night time.

Maybe I am over reacting. Hayyy... I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe he's falling out of love from me. Maybe he has found somebody good to be with. Maybe he's thinking of a good way to break up. He shouldn't put much effort on thinking. He could just tell it to me straight, honest. I will understand. Rejection is my game anyway. Why would it be so different now?

Now I am officially PARANOID. I just hope he texts me soon. I know I love him. But if he breaks up with me, I ain't sure I'll be going into any relationships anymore. He is my first boyfriend and he will be the last. Whatever happens. Okay, I guess that's so final. But just in case...


*clan - includes immediate family and the extended family.

Familiar Feeling

11:44pm
01 June 2004

Outside the sky is starless. Cold breeze touches my face once in a while. Droplets of rain fall from the heavens. Everything is deafeningly silent. Every creature must be in deep sleep except for me. The night just doesn’t seem right.

Staring out in the darkness brings out familiar a familiar feeling. The one I always get before Marvin came into my life. Depression.

The phone is ringing. Better get this one.



12:08 am
June 02, 2004

It was Raymond. Told me he is adding me as one of his friends at Pinoyster.com.

I am in my room now. Lying on my bed. I haven’t changed the cover yet. It is still the one when Marvin was here. I miss him. I miss him so much.

Invisible War is playing in the background. The tone’s mellow, almost sad. It has been a habit to turn on FM before going to sleep. Wave 89.1 and Jam 88.3.

On my home earlier after meeting Joan and overhauled her resume, I felt a sudden rush of depression. I remembered Marvin and how I love him so much. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I still do up to now actually. There’s just a lot he wants me to change. He says that I should gain weight, I should get my teeth repaired, I should dye my hair back to black, etc. Although I know it is for the better. And I believe he means well. But I feel like because he wants change, he’s not satisfied with what or who I am now. Though he says, he does. Like I said, it seems he deserves someone more special, more near-perfect, as gorgeous as he is, and so many other things. And that was where the depression came from.

The sound of the falling droplets of rain against the roof, the playing music in the background, the starless sky sets up the mood to become the Drama Queen once again.

I just don’t feel good about myself. I don’t feel cute and deserved. This borders on the superficial I know, but isn’t that a big factor? You don’t want to be seen with an ugly, big gorilla, right?

The phone again. I am getting this.


10:38am
June 02, 2004
(Lying on my bed after drinking coffee)
(Mood: Still depressed. Marvin Just send me a message. Said he’s watching Harry Potter. He’s watching it alone as a payback for watching Shrek with my friends)

Slept right after the call earlier. It was Rvhie. He asked a lot of questions regarding being gay. I could tell from his voice he was effeminate. He said he feels so late, so ostracized, among other things. A newbie*. I just psycho-babbled him and ended the conversation. He thinks I am his mentor. Really weird. I couldn’t even get my own actions right.

It’s easier right? Telling people what to do, giving advices like you’re God, and then feeling good about yourself, when you can’t even follow your own advice.

Woke up crying today. I ain’t sure what my dream was that made me cry or if I actually had a dream. Maybe it’s the electric fan. Whatever the reason is, I still feel depressed.


Newbie – a gay person who just came out of the closet.

Boredom Takes Me To Quezon City Circle At Three In The Morning

Now before you get some crazy ideas, let me explain. I was so darn bored last night. I asked Marvin to fetch me up at home but he couldn't leave Cavite because he was sick. So I called up Raymond. Who's Raymond? He's a good friend. He has some love problems and I felt obliged to be there beside him. You know, lend some shoulders. Hahaha... Alright! I was bored. And I sure needed company. He was free so we met even though it was like 2am.

So we met at Munoz and then decided to go somewhere. Well, we were undecided actually. Until I opened the possibility of going to QC Circle. I have been there that late with Liz who was pregnant that time. We took some pictures of the monument for her school project. Hahaha and toured around a little. We were like lovers. Too bad I am gay.

Back to Circle. So we ended [am speaking about Raymond] up not entering QC Circle. It was closed. Was shocked and disappointed. That was the only place I know near which didn't close. But it was so we walked around... I mean literally, around the joint. We saw some guys who just stood there like waiting for the stars to come down and touch them. Except that there ain't any stars at all. I supposed they're doing their own business but I couldn't help but stare at them, observe them and therefore I conclude. They were pick-up boys. Hahaha... I wonder how much money they make. I am considering entering the business myself if real job is still nowhere near. Hahaha...

So we ended up here, at PHILCOA, surfing the net and writing this blog... Well actually, typing. And this will end here. Raymond's a bit bored. I guess boredom is contagious. Hahaha... I'll write more about this in the morning. Ta-ta.

And God Has Risen Come Three Days

Actually this blog entry has nothing to do with God or anything spiritual. It has just been three days that I stayed at home doing practically nothing productive. Well, if you consider surfing the net, accepting friends in Friendster, Downelink, Tickle, Connexion, Berkzter, Pinoyster, and Myspace productive then, there's productivity for you.

Look. I have been craving to go out but my budget just can't afford it. My bank account has been cancelled due to not following the cut-off amount of 500 Php. So Last time I had to ask my friend that the money be deposited to his account. You see, I still ask money for my parents even though I have graduated like a month ago or so. Where would I get money anyway, than them? I feel so dependent, which I shouldn't be. Had I only accepted the job I should have been earning my own cash now. But hey, like I said, and I am gonna say this one more time, I didn't like the work. So it's really not my fault. But whose fault is it anyway? Let's leave that question hanging.

Three days! Imagine that! Being at home, being bored to the point of comatose. Especially now that the Internet ain't working at home. Gosh, I feel so useless.
I talked to some friends last night on YM conference and they too do practically nothing. Some of them meets everyday watching Friends DVDs. That's it. I could develop a headache doing that. Staring at the TV screen. Well at least they have something to enjoy themselves with. And me, NONE.

Joan and I will apply for call centers this Wednesday. Call Center for a graduate? Not bad I think. I will work there for like two years, earn enough money and then pursue what every journalism graduate should be doing - write. I don't find anything wrong working in call center. It is good money and good money is always better, isn't it?

ABC-5 Disaster

03:28 PM

It has been like more than a month since graduation and I still haven't got a job. After turning down the job in Medical Observer, I got a call from ABC-5 for an examination the next day [Wednesday], so I went up there with Marvin. There were two exams basically. One where you need to write a script for TV News with both the audio and the video. They gave us the materials. We basically did the formatting and the script. Ed Lingao was the one who gave us the exam which is more like an exercise.

I finished the first exercise ahead of others. Why wouldn't I? I was forced to actually. Marvin was waiting outside in the building's lobby, sleeping. You see he just got from his graveyard shift in a call center in Makati. And I dragged him all the way down to Novaliches to accompany me. He didn't forced me to hurry the exam though. It was more like I'm-worried-about-him-sleeping-there kind of thing. More of an inner drive, for him of course.

Mr. Lingao liked my first exercise so I went on to my second. He gave me two names [Comelec spokesperson and ABC-5 spokesperson] to look for and interview. About what? That's the thing. I had to think of an angle, of questions, of a story to write. More like he was testing me if I have the nose for news or stories that are newsworthy. After finishing it, I came back to his office and after reading it to him, his face turned into a total disaster. He said he was frustrated. He liked my first exercise but the second one totally fucked-up.

He said he's hold on to my application and would call me after assessing the other applicants. More like get-outta-here mister! Hahaha.. Oh well, I know I didn't pass and maybe I ain't right for that kind of work so I don't feel frustrated at all.

My plan is to work for two years in a call center, earn money and then look for a job with regards to my course.

[Untitled]

4:49PM

I am in eternal bliss. Love covers my whole room. The smell of sweet scent of satisfaction and contentment fills my every breath.

Puffing my cigarette while watching Marvin go into deep slumber is more than I can ask for. I pray he dreams of me while he lay motionlessly beautiful on my looney toon-covered bed. I pray his brain and heart remembers every detail of what happened. I pray he never leaves me.

Today marks our first month anniversary. We have been together for 9 hours and 24 minutes since I met him ealier. And every moment of it is unforgettable.

I never thought love could find me and draw me into him. I was in the dark. I was once one of those people who cursed and hated love because it didn't caught us. But now it did. And I am loving every second of it.

I wanna burst into tears of happiness and excitement. I thank the heavens for Marvin. I thank the moon for the dim light which uncovered every lust and love from us. I thank the sun for shining through my once dark and cold days, for melting my heart which froze through times of disappointments. My heart's finally beating and it beats love.

I love you Marvin. Happy First Month anniversary.

Job Update

11:32pm

I met up with Andz earlier at Xavier in Greenhills, Ortigas. She wanted me to apply as a nursery teacher there. She teaches there for like two years now. Compensation's good plus you get to have a teaching partner or something like that. But like I told her? What am I gonna teach there? SEX?"

She then accompanied me to Makati to return some stuff in the company I just quitted from. After which we met up with his insurance agent and another friend of hers. We ate dinner and then she talked to her agent while I half-heartedly listened and looked like I was interested. The insurance guy even told me if I was interested to apply in their company but told me I was young to be in an insurance stuff.

We then went to Greenbelt and stayed at Starbucks. What greater way to end the day that a cup of rhumba and a few sticks of winston lights. We talked about life, about Marvin, about the koreans [this cute Korean twins he tutored before], his cousins etc, etc. She also talked me into going with here in Bagiuo this weekend. She will meet the Korean twins so I could finally see them at last. She's been pushing me to go with her in one of her teaching sessions before but I hesitated.

The church was there so we also stayed there for like 15 minutes. It has been like two years since I entered a church. I actually prayed. :) Well, it's always good to look up once in a while.

When I got home, my dad told me that ABC-5 called and asked me to go to the station for an exam. Wish me luck everyone. Hehehe...

People Are So Rude!!!

People have been so rude to me lately. I opened an account on downelink.com, an online meeting place for gays two days ago. Then I made a forum telling everyone to rate me. They were so rude. The comments my God! Someone said he hates people from third world countries and that I look like I haven't eaten for years. Like that was so negative.

Good thing, some people ain't the rude as the rest.

My First Day At Work And I Quit

My very first job and I quit.

Last week my father arrived and told me that I have an aunt who works at an advertising company. He told me to go there and bring my resume. I did and I got interviewed the same day. The comapny wasn't an ad agendy after all. Medical Observer was the name of the comapny. Apparently they make medical jounrals for doctors. I was shocked of course. My father tricked me!!!

But I went through the interview anyhow. I was called to go there last thursday for another interview. This time it was the editor-in-chief who asked me questions. And then after the interview I was asked to go to an office where I was discussed with the policies, the contract signing supposedly today and I was given an early assignment. She gave me these books and papers and stuff about some disease I was to write about. Foolishly, I accepted the job eventhough I wasn't really sure what I am going to do there. I don't write technical stuff. Fashion is what i do best, music, movies etc. Though they told me they have issues on those things once in a while but about 90% is all about medicine.

I was accepted and will start today. Well, supposedly. Only, I didn't go to the office as requested. So they texted me to return the stuff they lent me. I will later.

Hayyy.. so I am back to being bum again. Professional? Hope not.

Same Old Day, Same Old Me

6:37 PM

Nothing special has happened today. I woke up at 9 in the morning and did my laundry. My father asked me to fetch my brother in his school and so I left my laundry half-finished. Got back home at 4 pm and continued washing my clothes and some pants. Laundry ain't that many so I didn't got tired. Then the rains started pouring. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't. I just laid myslef on my bed with thoughts of Marvin. I miss him already, the way he smiles, his sexy body, the way he walks (harharhar), his kisses and everything about him. I love every part of him, every imperfections. Now I know how it is to be really in love.

Marvin is such a wonderful guy. Almost perfect. And I love him so much...

Basa sa Ulan

I was in Makati yesterday applying for a supposed ad agency. My father arrived earlier yesterday and told me that some relative of ours was gonna interview me. He said it was some ad agency. So I figured maybe I could try it out.

So I went there through MRT with my cousin. Then we took a cab hoping the driver knew the building. We haven't got the vacuest idea where it was. My father just told me it was in Pasong Tamo Makati and the building's name was King's Court.

The driver knew the place but the traffic was so bad he has to drop us off and told us we could walk to get to the place. And we did. We walked... and walked.. and walked until we got tired and rested for a while at Mister Donut. Then when we were about to continue the ultimate search for the building, it rained... so hard.

We stayed for a while hoping the rain would stop but it didn't. So we continued the search anyway. We asked every guard that we come across with but to no avail. They didn't know where the place was. Until the "supposed relative" answered my message and texted me the exact location. It was like we were going around in circles. We turned left then turned left again then right and we would find ourselves in the same spot where we started off.

We continued anyway until we saw this gurad and asked. He pointed his fingers to the building which was like the place we started. We were so exhausted and wet. Wet because of the rain and maybe because of the sweat.

We reacehd the building and figured that it had no name from the outside or from the road. That was why we had a hard time finding it. Now we did... after like 3hours of walking. We entered the building very wet, tired and exhausted.

It wasn't an ad agency. It was a medical jounral something... But I was there so what the heck, I said.

I was interviewed by "supposed relative." She asked a lot of things; my salary preference, what i love doing, my family, etc... The she told me that they would call me for an interview within this week.

And earlier today they did. My first job interview will be on May 20 2pm at their building. Whatever happens there It would be totally okay.

Southmall and Boredom

It's 1:40pm. Am at Southmall here at Las Pinas. My boyfriend and I are supposed to meet here. He's near this place. Arrived here at around 11am and called his cellphone but nobody's answering. Well actually, Aubrey Miles is the one answering the phone. It's one of those you download wherein somebody will receive your call (more specifically celebrities like Aubrey and Pia Guano) but to the person you are calling he/she will only here his/her phone ringing... Did you get me?

Anyways, so here I am all alone right now. Took my lunch, had my coffee and cigarette and called him again and again... Looks like he's really sleeping... tight. Well after this I'll just have to keep ringing him... Dunno wanna go home disappointed. And this place is like a hundered miles away from mine... Well that's an exaggeration but the heat outside while I was going here was unbearable.

Job Hunt Begins

It has been weeks since I graduated and I need to look for a job soon. And it starts today. Although I have been to ABC-5 two days ago with my friends. Today, my target is Summit Philippines in Ortigas.

Been bum for so long I got so bored. All I do is sleep, watch Tv and videos, surf the net for porn (hahaha) well not exactly, check my Friendster which is by the way is like malfunctioning all the time, my Friendzy (where I met Marvin, the love of my life), my Connexion (the newest), my Tickle (Ringo before) and my mails. I also chat when I'm done.

Back to the jobhunt. I really don't know what I wanna do. I would love to end up in advertising but I like to work too for a fashion magazine like Cosmopolitan or Preview.I am also thinking of going into advertising and at the same time being a contributor in a fashion magazine. But then again, I have to apply first, don't I? Can't expect companies to call me when they don't have my resume. Hahaha...

Well people wish me luck aight!

Have you heard of the beheading?

I was watching TV earlier and saw a flash report regarding a new beheading at Iraq... or I am not sure about the place. God! Where has humanity gone. Those people behind this should be ashamed of themselves. If they have hatred over Bush then why not behead him instead. Why involve a civilian whose family i'm sure right now is in deep agony and hatred as well.

Terror really is in the air again. This incident will sure be BIG considering that the Philippines is known for its support for Bush. GMA should withdraw the country's support for the one who trully spreads terror around the globe.

War aint the answer at the very beginning.

I miss this blog

I am currently here at SM North Edsa Cyberzone Netopia. Got nothing else to do at home. My cousin won't let me use his photoshop so I got bored. I am planning to watch a movie later at around 5pm. There's a show at the Enetertainment plaza at the foodcourt. But I am not intersted.

I haven't posted it yet but I have a boyfriend. My first ever. Well, technically. His name is Marvin. I met him at Friendzy. He's cute and funny and smart and witty and nice and.... hayyyy... I am so in love right now. Can't even sleep tight at night...

Anyways, hope this blog will be updated always... And I like the new set-up blogger made... It's cute and more user-friendly.. Go Blogger.com!!!

Thoughts and Coffee Shops

I don't know. I was at Starbucks West Avenue last monday and I couldn't help but to feel depressed about a lot of things. Not that I have a lot to feel depressed about but it seems that whenever I am in a coffee shop especially when I am alone I always feel that. And eventhough I am with a friend I still felt that way.

I am graduating and of course I am happy but I am sure gonna miss a lot of things. That makes me sad. But as they say life must go on. But isn't it scary to move on not knowing what awaits in the horizon... or wherever? It scares me a lot that I could not find a job and be bum for a while. I want to work ASAP and earn my own money. That way I can support all my luho.

Back in high school right before college I was so excited to finally live on my own, away from my parents. Somehow thorugh college that went well for me. I manage my own time, my own allowance, nobody's telling me what to do, where to go or when to be at a certain place. That felt good really. But now that college is over I haven't got any clue what to do. Of course I know I should find a job but what will I do? How would I get one? Am I qualified? Though a lot of my friends, even my friends parents tell me that I am the type who has the big chance to succeed in life but where do I start?

Hayyy... I hope tomorrow brings me a new perspective in life. :)

Depression

I feel depressed. I am not sure why but it feels like I am all alone again. I should be happy in fact because I will be graduating this April and finally look for a work and support myself. And the thesis is near completion. All it needs are the transcripts of interviews and tala.... it's gonna be done. And to think I got a 1.0 for the thesis. Thanks to my partner really. I haven't done anything usueful to that thesis. Her name should be the only one printed there. She did most of the work, hard work in fact.

I still don't know why I am depressed. I was riding a jeepney home from UP suddenly I felt a tint of sadness. Not just a tint in fact but my body seemed to froze and my eyes wanted to burst into tears.

Maybe I'll just sleep and forget about this thing.

Thesis

I am currently here at Espana, Manila because I stayed at thesis partner's house for an overnight last night and probably another one tonight. She went to church with her mother and since I don't go to church I am stuck here in an Internet cafe near their place and the church. Thesis is still far from finished. We "overhauled" the three publications I analyzed for I did it wrong. Fortunately its over now. It took us two days and nights to finish just that and now we are on the process of entering the data in her computer. SPSS will do the rest perhaps. By "rest" I mean the analyzing and cross tabbing of the different variables present in our thesis. I just hope we finish it tonigth so I can go home and rest and probably have a goodnight's sleep.

New Addiction

I haven't been sleeping right these past few days. Just three nights ago, I slept around four in the morning. Mind you, These sleepless nights weren't the result of thesis work or any academic stuff.

I found a new addiction - Tong Its. With bets of course. Not that I just learned how to play it. Even before I entered high school I was already adept to the process of the game. I even played with a friend's grandmother who lives near our house every after school when I was in grade six. Imagine that! I was born to be gambler. But back then I always went home empty handed. I even steal my mom's collection of old coins [the yellowish colored one peso coin still without the carabao] from her box just to be able to continue with the game in hope that I could still reclaim my loss. Usually I didn't and until now I still don't.

My tong it "craze" started just week when I joined my friends while they were playing. They taught me the do's and dont's of the game and more importantly the cost of every ace and quadruplest you have. Apparently, I didn't know about until last week.

Currently, every ace will cost you a peso, another one peso for a set of quadruplet, Tong its ot todas will cost you two bucks, two bucks for fight or laban and when the game ends [either because there are no cards left or somebody fights and even when somebody disposed all of his/her cards thus the name tong its] and you have no house or bahay you will pay another two bucks. Combination of the fees are also possible.

The bet usually starts at five bucks and then a peso every after that until somebody "hits" or have own twice because that is when he/she gets all the bets in the pot and the betting starts all over again with a starting bet of five bucks and so on.

There are things you can learn from this game besides handling your cards of course. First, you have to be patient. Try to wait for teh right cards. Caution though, you should also see to it that you dispose all the "high" cards when you feel there's no hope that the right card will come your way. Letting go is also another thing you should always keep in mind.

Second, you must have the guts. Remember, you money is at stake here. There are many instances where you can say "fight." One is when teh total numeric valur of your cards are really low and the other is when you think your cards have no hope of winning. Try to brave.

I just hope this new addiction won't stay in my system for long...

I am complete

Earlier today I went to the CMC Administration office and asked if they received a fax from Sir Agca. They told me to look it up in the files near the fax machine.

And they did! There were two copies of the accomplished completion form. A big smile covered my face and I felt like I wanted to scream with joy. I hurriedly went to the Filipino department which is one jeepney-ride away from our college. I talked to ate Susan who was as sweet as an angel and asked if the completion form was already okay and I can go on with my life.

She sighed. Then silence. Then another sigh. Then she consulted with a woman beside her. Then she told me that the registrar might not accept the form because the signature wasn't on ink.

I wanted to feel sick. It seemed like a big dark cloud came over my head ready to emit its thunders. I gathered myself and asked what else could I do to remedy the problem. Although in the back of my mind I know exactly what I have to do. I must email Sir Agca and ask him to snail mail the form to the Filipino department. But when would that arrive? I asked myself. I didn't have a choice, did I?

She sighed again and then finally she spoke. She would talk to somebody and ask about it or she could ask the Filipino department head to countersign the form to make it valid. I almost leapt with joy from what I heared. Thank God! I have been going crazy about the form for like three weeks. And now It is finally closing to an end.

But there's still no guarantee. I have to go back to the Filipino department to check if teh form will be okay. I just hope it will.

To Ate Susan, Maraming Salamat Po

Rizal Fever

Today is formal clothes day. I am wearing a beautifully ironed polo and pants.

Later today I will have a report on PI 100 about Noli Me Tangere of Jose Rizal. I am sure everyone is familiar of that book because the law requires that we take it back in high school 3rd and 4th year. But the thing is, before I read the novel last week I didn't have the vaguest idea what was it about. Of course I took it in high school but it seemed like all my knowledge about Rizal ran out of me and went to another brain.

Yes! I did read it last week. I am not really a big fan of Rizal though. Fortunately thesis partner lend me her comics-version of the novel. It's far more easy to read than the thick version. And, I got to see the characters. It's like back in elementary days when I loved to read Tagalog comics [those you rent for 2 pesos a day].

I didn't read it because I want to of course. I read it because I was required to do so. I wouldn't want to look stupid in front of my classmates talking about something I haven't read. Who does?

Even after the Banahaw trip last week I didn't develop the liking for Rizal. No way! Rumors has it that he's gay. Hehehe... PLU [people like us]. It's not he's being alledgedly gay that I don't like though. If I did I'd hate myself. I really can't pinpoint the reason but I'll get back to you when I do.

What the trip instilled in me was the appreciation of nature and respect for others' beliefs. Not that i didn't have those before but what I am saying is the intensity. It's not everyday that you come face-to-face with a Rizalista. They are just like us. I don't want to use the word normal for who dictates what is normal anyway? They eat, drink, satisfy their human needs etc. I am not sure about the sex but they do have children so you figure it out.

So much for Rizal. It's now time to go back to the real world. Ciao!

Reminiscing

I was browsing through my account in Blogger when I cam upon the first blog I had back in 2002. This was my first attempt at webpage designing. I know it's not great but I am damn proud of it. There are lots of errors in grammar and syntax. Just ignore it aight!


[1] YAWA.BLOGSPOT

[2] IAN-DIARY.BLOGSPOT

Another day on Earth

Haven't had enough sleep. Stayed until 2:45am at thesis partner's house. Did the rest of the SPSS thingy and edited some stuff too. Unfortunately we didn't finish the first draft. Another sleepless night coming on Wednesday. *ouch*

Woke up at 8:30am today and got to school at 10am. My class is at 4:00pm. I was early beacuse I went to the administration to ask about my defficiences and also I asked if I could receive something through the college' FAX machine. NOTE: That something is my completion form from SirAgca.

I also talked to somebody [i ain't sure who she was. she stays near the window] about the deadline to clear all defficiences of graduating students. She told me that it's okay and that the Feb 20 deadline was just to make students hurry up.

It definitely scared the hell outa meeee... What the hell were they thinking scaring graduating students?

DOOM

I didn't make it. Sir didn't fax the completion form back to me. All my efforts were wasted.

... and then the PI 100 exam. God! would I flunk that one. I didn't study because I was too occupied with the completion stuff. Hell, as if I reall study during exams... The fact is, even if I weren't in this situation, I still wouldn't study. Totally me.

I don't know what happened. Back in HS I wasn't like this. I usually spend sleepless nights just studying... err... memorizing stuff for periodical tests... err... making kodigos [not always aight!]
But now, it seems like I don't care about getting low grades or even flunking a subject. Maybe UP made me into this - kebs

I am really frustrated right now. I wish I had accepted the invitation of my friend to go out and have fun. She strongly reccommends I take a break, immediately.

Ever faced in front of the mirror thinking of all the changes that happened to you? Well I did, and boy did I see a lot of changes - irreversible ones. Maybe you should try it. It's kinda weird but just try it.
I remember this Values teacher of mine back in high school who told us to face the mirror naked and ask ourselves bata pa ba ako? coz he thinks we were so immature for our age. Of course nobody did it, or at least admitted of doing it.

NOTE: I didn't face the mirror naked okay.

SH*T!

Friday. To everyone I am really sorry If I haven't written anything here for the last few days. I have been very busy with school stuff. Wanna hear them all? I am sure you don't but I'll tell you anyway.
First, there was and still is the thesis. My partner and I had an overnight at her place last Wednesday. We've accomplish pretty much nothing. Just the analysis and she taught me how to install and us SPSS [a program really needed for our thesis.]
Second, there was and still is my problem in MP115 [Malikhaing Pagsulat]. I gfot an incomplete and I need to resolve it befor ethis day ends which is in school time untill 5:00pm. What maks the matter worse is that my professor happens to be on study leave abroad. It ain't his fault though that I am hagging right now. I had a year to complete the requirements but it's only last week that I started panicking. And now I am really panicking!
I don't even know what the hell I am doing in this cafe typing this entry. My God, this could be the reason I couldn't graduate this April. Sh*t!
Pardon me for all the nasty things I am saying and about to say if ever but as you can perhaps perceive, I am a total wreck right now. My hands are sweaty, my brain malfunctioning, my eyes and feet tired and my pocket thinning. I spent 80 bucks just faxing the completion from earlier, another 80bucks to ride a cab home because I had to get my form 5 [a receipt of some sort when you are enrolling] wherein the class code and section were written. Need it for the completion from.
My professor promised me that he would do everything to help me and I have no doubt in that. The only problem is TIME. F*cking-freaking TIME. I don't have the luxury of it in fact I think it ran out of me days ago. This week has been nothing but running, hagging, and cursing. Sh*t!

Days to look forward to

Thursday. This week its the UP fair but I haven't been to any yet. I've been very busy with acads. And thank God my thesis is almost finish. Almost. Still have interviews to transcribe and you know how these things eat up your time and brain cells. Speaking of UP Fair, maybe Ibs and I will go later. He loves JR so he definitely wouldn't miss this one. He even got a free ticket from a friend. :)
This Saturday I will be going to Mt. Banahaw, Quezon for a field trip. You see our PI 100 [Rizal class] will be going. Ibs will be with me. And mind you he's a mountaineer [did i get the spelling right?]. Behind those sexy curves and girly moves lies strong bones and tough IBS. :) We'll be staying there overnight [saturday and Sunday]. I hope it would be fun. Am really excited.
Oh. I haven't told you yet. We're back to normal. I am now staying again at his apartment. :)

Anthropology Item

Monday. A usually exhausting day. And in fact it is. Gone to the library around two in the afternoon and did my thesis. Accomplished something today. A good start I think. Left at around 3:45, ate lunch [a little late but hey, welcome to college!] at Casaa and walked three floors to my class - Anthropology 182 which is commonly known as Culture and personality.
Talk about another. The teacher sucks. Everybody, I'm sure they'll admit it, hate that class. The subject perse is great - culture and personality, but the teacher makes it into a waste of time. Totally boring. I remember the first meeting. Shocked is the word for it. Brief description of the professor: boring, old, and horny. There is basis for that of course.
Horny. You see he is also my teacher in Anthropology 187 which is famously known as SEX and CULTURE. Slots in this subject are most coveted of among electives. But to my dismay, it is exactly the opposite. One phrase about this subject and the teacher: HE MAKES SEX BORING. He's the only person I know who could do that. One of my classmates even said and I quote: "He is boredom personified." Exactly. So you might ask, why do I say he is horny then. As I have said, he's my teacher in Anthro 182. And most of his examples are in relation to sex. It seems like there ain't any differentiation between the two.
Boring. Need I say more?
Old. He is in fact old. His hair is white and has several lines on his forehead. Somebody in the class even remarked, "Mukha syang Bangkay." Of course I noticed that too but that remained in the whispers and notes I shared with my friends.
And he always wear this denim jacket that looks as old as he is.
I know, I'm rude but that's the reality. Though it seems like he knows what he's teaching us. I mean he's a lawyer of some sort for God's sake.
But to some degree I like this professor too. He isn't strict in attendance. You see, he just asks somebody for a paper and we write our names and student number and sign it after. So what we always do, me and my friends, is fake the penmanship of whoever is/are absent among us.
One thing more, he comes to class late. So Sheila and I always has time for our yosi. :)

Just Like Yesterday

Laundry finished. That includes a blanket, two pillow cases, two towels, several shirts, my brother's uniforms, and the covers for the sala set. Exhausting but a must. Got no choice really. Haven't done anything for the thesis instead watched SWAT DVD.
This is my problem. I don't know how to prioritize. Well, I always get out of the mess so why bother. Time has its way of ironing things up for me. :)
But I promise, which I always am doing, to finish the analysis before tomorrow. So that means today or later today, whichever is more convenient to me.

Last night I found it hard to sleep. I kept thinking about my deficiencies. I was afraid not to graduate and I still am. I really hope I don't mess things up.

Talk About Being Unproductive

It's been three nights since I left Ibs' apartment. Haven't heard from him and I guess I'll never will.

Got home at around 11pm last night. It was the induction party of UPGM [UP Green Minds] in which I am a member. Well, inactively. It's just one of my many organizations. Too many I haven't had time to be active. :)
UPGM is an environmantal organization based at the College of Mass Communication, University of the Philippines Diliman. It was originally exclusive for journalism students but now it is accomodating students from other colleges. I guess being an environmentalist or an advocate at that doesn't stop around the walls of the journalism department.
Present Last night were the active members, the adviser Mam Rara, three alumni name Edson, Chi-chi and Agatha. The applicants organized a program which at times was funny and at times corny. But it ended fun and our tummies were full so no rants about that.

It has been a long day for me. Watched three DVD's [Too Fast Too Furious, Freaky Friday and Hollywood Homicide] today. Pirated copies though. But hey, everybody's got one so why bother with the authorities.
And I was supposed to finish part of my thesis, washed the laundry and do productive things. But I guess they'll have to wait till later cause this computer will be occupied later by the Ragnarok's addicts - my cousin and two brothers. My cousin is telling me to hurry up so I am making this fast.
Boredom. That is the word for today. Got up at around 1pm with my head aching. I guess I overslept huh?!
I hope tomorrow will be a fine day and I promise Sef I'll finish analyzing the high school publications by Sunday.

Jhoan. Hey gurl. Thanks for dropping by. And how in the world did you know I have a website and this blog? Anyways hope to see your ass around aight! Mwah! Gracias. Tata for now!

A Night Alone

I guess Ibs is mad at me. He asked me to accompany him to the airport for he had to get something. A package I heard. But I told him I'd rather stay at his house for I was tired which was a lie. I just didn't feel going out that's all. I've stayed the whole day there facing the computer and editing my website and uploading it to the net.

He said it was okay but kept silent. Jen accompanied him instead.

He kept silent and never bothered talking to me before he left for the airport. I can feel that it wasn't alright at all, that he lied. He left without a kiss nor a hug. You see, it has been sometime now that everytime we parted ways [for school or anything] he would always give me a kiss on the cheek and even on the lips. But yesterdays he didn't.

When he arrived the tension was still present. The only words he uttered was "azalea Ku u Kay?."
After a bath, I got dressed and told him I was to leave. But he just stayed there singing in front of the computer and all I got was a nod. So I got my things and left.
I wasn't even planning to bring "all" my things home for I was going to go back at his apartment after I got my allowance and some clothes back home. But I felt I wasn't wanted there. So I stayed home for the night.
I wish I could turn back the time but I couldn't. I should have had accompanied him to the airport but I didn't.

I spent the night alone for the first time after a very long time. I wasn't prepared but I survived. I just hope today would be happier.

Content Analysis Aches My Back [Thesis Rants III]

This is a free day for me. It should be, actually. I didn't enroll any subjects during Wednesdays because they are my free time. But because of this goddammed thesis, I have to wake up early during these days, put on a polo shirt or anything semi-formal [which by the way ain't as comfortable as others think] and ride the smoky streets of the city to go to some high school. Interviews here and there. Seems like they never stop.
And then after the interviews me and my partner have to transcribe the interview from the recorder which so painstakingly unbearable and then analyze the bundles of school papers -- the prize of graduation.
Now, I am taking a rest from doing the analysis and releasing my disgust and angst here -- my only refuge which is writing. My back aches from sitting in one position trying to understand and fin something wrong with the article. This is hard work I must tell you. God, so hard.
How I want to escape and just leave these things undone. But I need to graduate and these things need to be done no matter how hard and brain cells-depleting they are.

Not Quite A Bad Day After All

What a day! First I woke up early for an interview at Manila Science High School with its principal. As usual I arrived earlier than scheduled to where I was meeting Sef. You see, she lives in Manila but I don't exactly know how to get there. I have been there once but I hadn't memorized what routes to take and jeepneys to ride in. So everytime we meet, I wait for her at this 7-11 in Espana.
I arrived 30 minutes early. Like I always do, I phoned her home but her line cried "This line is not available" or something to that effect. "What!, I just called her earlier. What the hell's wrong with the line? In this world of fast technology, one thing remains rusted, forgotten by the emergence of cellphones and more cellphones" I told myself.
Good thing Ibs had a caller ID and everytime Sef calls me [apparently I am staying at his house] using a different line her number becomes listed in the ID. I called him up and asked for the other number. Then I called the number and a woman answered saying to hold on for a minute. She came back with a husky sound like she just got up. Apparently, Sef had already left the house. So I waited for her, lit up a stick of Winston Lights and read Poalo Coelho's Veronica Decides to Die which eventually I would finish reading later.
She appeared in a white shirt wearing a white sandals. "Virginal" that's what I remarked her. She laughed and told me "ang landi ng buhok mo." You see last Saturday I had my hair dyed into streaks of coffee red.
Anyways, we took a jeep and headed to MaSci.
After the interview which thankfully didn't last long, I took an FX headed for Philcoa where I would take another ride going to school. I paid a hundred bucks. Not that I don't have change or anything but I wasn't sure how much the ride would cost me so I played it safe. The driver told me to wait for the change so I got my book and started reading. It always makes me dizzy reading while riding but I wasn't about to let it get to me. I continued until I felt sleepy and eventually settled into a nap with my head slightly tilted to the window of the vehicle. Then after sometime, the vehicle stopped and I was awaken. It seemed that something was wrong with it and the driver is starting to return the money of the passengers. We hadn't gotten far. We were still in Espana. I asked for my change and the driver asked if I had 10 bucks. I looked at my wallet and all I've got was a 20 peso bill and pennies amounting to Php9.25. A lady was just outside and I can see her through my side of the window. Apparently she was also waiting for her 10-peso change. The driver gave me 20 bucks which I refused to accept because that would mean that I would have paid him 20 pesos which is far too much from the amount of kilometers the vehicle drove. I was about to get mad but then I thought it wasn't his fault so I waited for him to think. He handed me my 100 peso bill and told me to just give 10 bucks to the lady outside. It irritated me. Now I had to think about the lady too. The driver merely passed me his responsibility. I hadn't noticed awhile ago that the lady was carrying a baby. I composed myself and tried to looked sympathetic. Actually I really was sympathetic. I'm sure it was hard to carry a baby much more when the penetrating heat of the sun was almost unbearable. I thought of a way to get a change so I could give the lady her 10 bucks. Then she asked me how much my change was and when I told her she asked for it. She decided to ride the jeep from her. Feeling a bit embarrassed, I looked at the corner if there were any shops where I could get my money a change but to my disappointment all there was were cigarette and candy vendors. They couldn't have any change. So I handed the lady the coins and she headed off.
I, on the other hand rode in an FX to Philcoa and arrived in school thirty minutes early.

Star Stricken and Thesis Rants II

Startstruck has finally come to an end. Mark and Jen each took home a one million exclusive GMA contract plus five hundred thousand grand prize. The Avengers, the ones who were voted out, were also surprised with their own show together with the final four.
Rainier. My God! Have you seen him dance? Or even sing? He's really lousy. He can't even sway his body to the simplest dance move. Not that I know how to but hey I didn't join that contest, did I? And to think he got that far in the contest. What were the judges thinking? Sure he's got the most beautiful smile and F4 look but that ain't enough to be a real actor, right? Enough of him.
Mark, however, is the most gorgeous. He has the smile, the moves and the look. I like this boy a lot. I feel bad for his dad. But hey, he wouldn't have gone that far if it weren't for that motivation right? Everybody has their share of disappointments, and Mark's dad sure got his son soaring high. :)
Enough of them both. Next time I'll post mark picture as one of the beautiful people list. Wait for it aight!

Anyways, I feel I'm being too bad to Sef lately. You see, Sef is my thesis partner. I hate it when she bugs me all the time about revisions in the CA form. She would also ask questions which she already have the answers too. And if I gave her an answer she would defend hers and then I'll give up and agree with her but still she would push and push and push on saying that she ain't sure about it all. It gets really irritating most of the time. And she calls on a very wrong timing basis. Just last night I was watching Jen's talent and then she called asking the same kind of questions. Beat that!
But then I have her to thank for. You see, we belong to the same block. And during our junior year everybody in the block already paired up. I thought I was the only one left out so I decided to go solo. But then I was really afraid to do so. I just thought I couldn't do it alone. And then just a semester ago, Sef came and ask me if I had a partner and I said no. She invited me and the rest is history. During our proposal semester, she did almost all the work. All I had to do was ask her copies and pass them to my adviser. We had separate advisers, that's why.
Sometimes her kakaulitan works for me. Without her being like that I might have lost my way into this "thesis wilderness." Until this thesis is over, I will always feel guilty about it all. But for now, I must burn my ass up real hard to be able to finish this thesis. And it sucks, really.

I Said I Was Graduating

Two nights ago, I sent a message to my mom, using a borrowed phone for mine was still damaged, asking how they were and all that and suddenly mama threw me a very unexpected question. "Love, gragraduate ka ba ngayong sem?" Duh! I have been telling her that since I entered college. That no matter what I will graduate on time. and now this question! I suddenly felt distrusted by my own parents. What the hell did they think of me? That all I do here in college was to get drunk, have sex and burn my lungs out with packs and packs of cigarette? Although I admit I do all those things but not on an addictive kind of way. I know my priorities and getting outta college and landing on a good-paying job is one of them.
But I couldn't blame them. My grades are low [though they're passing], I'm always not home [they cause my brothers tell them], and even in high school I was the happy-go-lucky kind of guy. In other words I don't look like the type who would graduate salutatorian in high school. But I did. I proved everyone wrong.
But college is a very different arena. Making sipsip to teachers aren't enough. You have to couple it with enthusiasm and high exam results.
And now that I am graduating I couldn't wait to get out of college. Four years ago I was just this little unknown creature our of Romblon who passed the UPCAT along with other four. But now I have grown to be who I am now - gay and proud.
But no matter what I still love my parents. Why wouldn't I in the first place. They're eating cans and cans of sardines there everyday while I here get to choose between McDonalds and Jolibee. Sometimes I feel that I am a very inconsiderate son. I spend my allowance on useless things and my parents and siblings are there in the province without anything new. I really feel ashamed of myself. But I can't help it really. I have tried to spend less before but all efforts have failed.
That's why I promise to graduate so I could return all what my parents sacrificed for me and my siblings. I really love them and I will always will. I feel like crying now. The thought of them suffering hurts and the thought that they're suffering to give the best education hurts more.
I will be graduating. I will. I promise my parents that.

Dante Balboa - Shame on You

And so I thought my misery was over until I saw Elmer a.k.a. Dante Balboa -an actor I must say- my classmate in one of the subjects which I hadn't shown up since the year started. Not that I don't like the subject or anything but I always forget about it and by the time I remember it, it would be very late.
So I asked him how the class was and he told me he started reporting last meeting and that I was forced dropped by the teacher for my absences. I totally freaked out. Not in front of him though. And I pretended to be okay though I didn't know if he saw right through me. We parted at the entrance and I hurriedly walked to the AS steps to have a stick of cigarette. I noticed that tears begun falling from my eyes and that I made this little sobs while I was trying to puff away the delirium.
Then I saw Dino [this activist who I totally adore when he had shorter hair and neat face] with a girl [a co-activist, I should say, judging from the pins they had on their shirts]. I said hi and told him that I am going to fail one subject. I coated it with laughter as if it was totally fine. But I also made some sobs, pretentiously of course for I didn't want to know that I am so worried though deep inside I felt like exploding into tears.
I sat beside them, drank a can of soft drink and puffed another cigarette. More acquaintances passed by and told them the same thing.
I bade goodbye to the two activists and went on my way to the classroom where I would be having my first and only class for the day which was located at the third floor of the building.
Just right around the corner I saw Elmer talking on the phone. I excused myself and politely and shakingly asked him the full name of our professor - due to a lot of absences I didn't remember my teacher's name. he didn't know the full name either. He gave me the surname and when I was to say thank you he added, "uy, joke lang yun, ikaw naman." Fuck! I was about to say that but being the civilized creature that I was I just threw my organizer unto his arm. Although I was relieved with the news, I continuously slap him with my organizer and called him names. He deserved it, I thought. Who the hell was he to frighten me like that. Not me. Not when I was graduating. And we weren't that close. We just talked casually during our COMM 100 days which he dropped and which I flunked, sadly, but I got over it. I left him with a promise that come Friday I will again throw my organizer at him for doing that to me.
I just hope I wouldn't forget that subject this Friday. You see, that class was supposed to meet two times a week every Tuesday and Friday 10-11:30 in the morning. However, the professor, whom I forgot the name, changed it to just Tuesdays and lately to Fridays. And how could I not forget about it? You see, my class on Fridays starts from 4-7 pm and now I had to go to school at 10 am just to attend that subject. My thesis interviews add up to my schedule leaving my mind messed up with all the appointments.
But I promise not to make anymore absences. I think I have done enough. And my graduation is at stake here. My parents expect me to graduate this semester. Or not.

Thesis Rants

Thesis. I haven't done anything yet for my thesis. After a few pages of analyzing the content of the HS student publication of Diliman Preparatory School, I gave up and faced the computer instead.
I dunno what is wrong with me. It seem
s like I can't focus on what id important from the not. I ain't tired or anything, it's just that I'd rather make websites or edit pictures in photoshop than do my thesis. I keep promising day after the other that I will prioritize my thesis but it seems I am only making myself believe.

Parts of the second version of BREW OVER CIGAR are already done. I made it a few hours ago. I am excited, really excited. You see, I am more excited in finishing my website that finishing my thesis. Of course I can't wait to finish my thesis but like I said, I don't know how to prioritize.