In ten,
nine,
eight,
seven...
Its only 5pm and I can already hear fireworks everywhere. People are getting excited about the coming year. Just earlier when I went our of the house to send money to my brothers through Western Union, there were so many people rushing about the street to and fro the market. Young coconut vendors are everywhere selling their produce and mothers are lining up to get their share. Buko salads would sure be overflowing later.
Yesterday, I rented three movies to keep company last night. I watched Idle Hands last night and I just finished Gothika and Almost Famous. My head is feeling a bit heavy from the long hours of being a couch potato. But I figured I needed to write something.
Mom called to confirm that they got the money and she also told me they were preparing something for the celebration. My sister is making a jelly which mom said was too liquidy or something. My youngest brother asked for money and Peter told to just walk and go home there. I miss my family. But I still don’t want to go home.
What will I do later? Hmmm… I’d probably get starting on that year-ender post that I am planning to write. Got the idea from Bhe. He is writing one too for his blog. Malate gimmick didn’t push through last night but Jaime kept me company so it was fine. So I am also thinking maybe there’s a party or something there that I could attend to. Too bad I got nobody to go with. Maybe I’ll have coffee later. Undecided yet of what to do.
Well to everyone, YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME THIS NEW YEAR’S EVE AND MAY THE NEXT YEAR BE FULL OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Thursday, December 30, 2004
THE SHIP FINALLY SANK
Have you ever had the feeling that everything is falling apart? Exactly. That is how I felt during my recent stay in the office. It started okay. I mean, there were still ten of us, nobody had still given up and I was being called Mr. Perky. Then we were sent in one room for the examination. But first Erik (trainer) asked about our supposedly holiday break which was more like a sugar-coated pre-termination procedure for me. It seems like a big plan of cutting off the number of employees and unfortunately, we were the first class to undergo it. The pioneer, in other words. I’d stick with the latter. Sounds better, right? So most of us were somehow appreciative of the break because they got to spend Christmas with their loved ones. Two of us, however, had to contend with instant foods from 7-11, me and Lali (Ela on the floor) coz we were both alone in our houses. All in the spirit of Christmas, right? Lame I know, but hey, at least we tried.
Then came the long discussion about the tsunami that hit South Asia. Actually I wasn’t aware about the news until I went to the office two days later. And everybody was talking about it I was like, hey, what movie is that? Is that the new thing from Spielberg?
We were told to get ready and Erik had a set of papers on his hands. Then he asked me if somebody already discussed to me the things I missed during the first training. I said no, which is the truth by the way and he refused to let me take the exam. Then what am I suppose to do then? Buddy-up with a tenured agent for the whole shift, a total of 8 hours. BORING…
The first few hours were fine. I had “buddied-up” with Hyge, this girl who I think has a crush on Rome. She was fun and so my stay with her was fine. I would always sneak out of the office to go down and smoke and it would be okay with her. There’s nothing she could do really, I guess. Then I saw Jack who was on the verge of crying. Apparently, she just read my goodbye email. So after my, I think fourth yosi break, I looked for her and “buddied-up” with her.
The nine people left in the training room also had their certification (actual calls) that shift. After they were done, they were told to call the office for their next schedule but definitely, they won’t be going to office in New Year and the rest of the holiday.
I felt so left out. That time I really felt so alone. I was with nobody and my co-trainees were already ahead of me. so I asked Erik if I could have my first-day training today since it is my day-off. He said NO. I have to wait for the next batch which was gonna be trained on the second week of January. Hear that? Second week of January!!! What the hell am I suppose to do? he told me I would be probably doing some admin stuff like cutting some papers for notes, and all those boring stuff. I held my tears hard that time. I didn’t wanna cry. So I just said, OK and I was back to being perky. But this time it was so difficult. It finally sank in to me the gravity of the situation. I almost wanted to resign right there and then. But then there’s the bond. I don’t wanna pay the company 45,000 Php, do I?
So it’s my day-off from work today. Called the office for my next schedule and I am to come back on Sunday 8pm. Maybe I’ll just sleep another year away.
Then came the long discussion about the tsunami that hit South Asia. Actually I wasn’t aware about the news until I went to the office two days later. And everybody was talking about it I was like, hey, what movie is that? Is that the new thing from Spielberg?
We were told to get ready and Erik had a set of papers on his hands. Then he asked me if somebody already discussed to me the things I missed during the first training. I said no, which is the truth by the way and he refused to let me take the exam. Then what am I suppose to do then? Buddy-up with a tenured agent for the whole shift, a total of 8 hours. BORING…
The first few hours were fine. I had “buddied-up” with Hyge, this girl who I think has a crush on Rome. She was fun and so my stay with her was fine. I would always sneak out of the office to go down and smoke and it would be okay with her. There’s nothing she could do really, I guess. Then I saw Jack who was on the verge of crying. Apparently, she just read my goodbye email. So after my, I think fourth yosi break, I looked for her and “buddied-up” with her.
The nine people left in the training room also had their certification (actual calls) that shift. After they were done, they were told to call the office for their next schedule but definitely, they won’t be going to office in New Year and the rest of the holiday.
I felt so left out. That time I really felt so alone. I was with nobody and my co-trainees were already ahead of me. so I asked Erik if I could have my first-day training today since it is my day-off. He said NO. I have to wait for the next batch which was gonna be trained on the second week of January. Hear that? Second week of January!!! What the hell am I suppose to do? he told me I would be probably doing some admin stuff like cutting some papers for notes, and all those boring stuff. I held my tears hard that time. I didn’t wanna cry. So I just said, OK and I was back to being perky. But this time it was so difficult. It finally sank in to me the gravity of the situation. I almost wanted to resign right there and then. But then there’s the bond. I don’t wanna pay the company 45,000 Php, do I?
So it’s my day-off from work today. Called the office for my next schedule and I am to come back on Sunday 8pm. Maybe I’ll just sleep another year away.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
TOO MUCH NEGATIVE ENERGY… GOTTA BE PEEERRRKY!!!
Just came home from work. I’m allotting 2 to 3 hours of internet usage today before I hit the sack.
I am both happy and sad with what my office day turned out. I am happy because I knew that other people share my sentiments and frustrations at work about what happened. I am also happy that I got some email from my co-trainees who are in other programs greeting me for my birthday. I am happy because my co-employees, especially those I have had training with emailed me and said that they are afraid they are gonna be next on the list of people who are being pulled out from the floor. This somehow made me not-so-bad about myself. But still, what happened was really bad. I mean REALLY BAD. Big bold capital letters. Dig me?
I am sad however because amongst the 10 people (including me) who got pulled out first, I think I have the least chance of ever going back on the floor. These people are, should I vaguely put it, okay. These are the ones I would have looked up coz I have listened to some of their calls and they were great. Robin (a more tenured CSA*) told me earlier that however good your calls are for the day if you had one bad call and that call happened to be the one monitored by the quality assurance people (now these are bad people, really bad people), it could ruin the rest of your calls. And I believe her. That’s the risk we take and we can’t do anything about it. From the very beginning, we were told about that and that I can not dispute against.
The office seems so unfamiliar, so cold and so uninviting. It felt as if people were looking at you with piercing eyes reducing you to this tiny dust that suddenly you feel so useless and unwanted. That is how I feel until now. The program doesn’t want me anymore, that the program wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.
The rest of the re-trainees were so mad and depressed, someone even cut her hair short because of depression last Christmas, and that the atmosphere earlier was so negative. So negative that nobody was smiling or being friendly. I just had to be perky for the group so as to keep all of our sanity, if ever I still have one. I even told them that we should have a team name. One suggested we go for The Boobitas (meaning bobo, in English, DUMB), another one opted for The Pasaways. And so everytime I see an opportunity, I would always shout “perky!!!” with matching clap and a jump. “Perky! Perky! Get Peeeerrrky!,” went my line. But deep inside I wasn’t. I share what they have and I know exactly how it feels. It’s like you were blown away to space without any gear and you slowly suffocate to your death.
I emailed some friends earlier basically saying my goodbyes just in case. And Honey (co-trainee who happens to be in the same program) read it before her shift which was at the end of mine. I saw her crying in one corner while facing the computer. I asked why. She replied, Kababasa ko lang ng email mo (I just read your email). I wanted to cry as well but I had to stay strong for both of us, for the rest of us. I didn’t want other people to see me cry coz when I cry I feel so vulnerable, I feel I’m giving myself away to people I barely know.
It’s sad but life has to go on. Or like I always say, we could always kill ourselves. I’d rather have the first option.
If it’s gonna be a green light for me, I would feel really bad. But I can’t push myself to something that doesn’t fit me. Rainbows don’t always have a pot of gold at the end. Sometimes they have sh*t waiting for you to be stepped on.
I have a very low self-esteem or self-confidence that’s why. When people say something bad about me, I usually accept it, no questions asked. That’s me. Gotta deal with it. You don’t know how hard it is to deal with me everyday. You just don’t know…
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CSA* - customer service associate (this is who I am)
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
I AM BACK TO WORK
Finally, after almost a week without work I am back to the office. My shift starts at 8pm today and ends at 5am tomorrow. Pretty neat compared to my last schedule which starts early in the morning. With a schedule like this, I can cover most of the hours with night differential pay. Hahaha… Now I wonder how much I’ll get in my next salary. Hmmm…
I was also surprised to hear that he thinks that I am so conceited. Am I? Truly, am I? Apparently, there were things I said to him and led him to think that way. And I was really caught off-guard. I dunno. Maybe I can be conceited at times, unconsciously but in real life I really ain’t. Or I would like to believe so.
It was me who gave up from the conversation (new I know) coz I really felt sleepy and I needed to rest for work today and I was sick for crying out loud. I need to regain some of my strength, if ever there is left.
Hay.. about work again, I really ain’t excited because I don’t know what I’ll do later. I hope Emor’s gonna be there so there’s someone I could talk to and smoke with. Hayyy… Life… sucks I know, but we’ll have to live it anyhow… or we can always kill ourselves. I’ll stick with the former. I have much to high hopes still running in my system.
Monday, December 27, 2004
ARAY !!!
I was checking my guestbook just now because I was gonna send email to all those who left me a message there and then I saw this one particular message which left me crying again... I also checked my Friendzy account and there right in front of me, waiting to be read...
i just cant stand not being connected to you... i miss you... i just have to say, i love you so much... message sent @ 7:01 pm - Sunday,April 25, 2004
YOU-- *remind me of coffee, u perk me up *remind me of false teeth (if i had one) i cant smile w/o you *remind me of a car, to drive me crazy *at night, when i switch off my lamp and i see the bulb, i remember you, coz u light up my life. HEY call it chessy, passe, or corny but it's still something... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/15/2004 7:16:58 AM
...i dont know where to begin now...you are my reason to be happy...you are the someone id like to be with for the rest of my life...and you ian are so special... and i must say, you complete me and hope you be ahppy with me, coz im sure i am very happy with you. there mere thought of you gives me shivers and this warm fuzzy feeling inside that i just love getting. and looking at you just makes me feel so lucky that i met you...i just cant help but bare my soul out here to let them all know i care for you so much... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/26/2004 5:32:41 AM
AIYAN--you take my breath away, and heck you just took the words right outta my heart. la na ko masabi sweetie. naunahan mo na ako. as always... I LOVE YOU AIYAN. akin lang sya, id kill anyone stupid enough to get in the middle of what we have. kiddin' sweetie, ya' know i wouldnt do that. wabyu yanyan... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 5/4/2004 1:18:47 AM
after a long time...
i cant even count the days when i last laid eyes on you. i cant even think of ways on how to make it up to you.i feel so useless. are we just victims of circunstance aiyan?!i miss smelling you around me, i miss all the things id usually experience when im with you. i just miss you. i miss loving you upfront. im tired of loving you from afar although i have to bear withthat for a while.i love you. Friendzy message sent @ 6/28/2004 7:46:06 AM
pssst...
i know weve had no contact for the past days.i do miss you. i just wanna handle my problems alone muna.am not mad at you.i just want time for myself to straighten things out in my life my way with no one interfering.not that you do.i love you.i want you to do good in your work and try staying longer in one company as it will reflect in your employment record if you keep jumping from one co. to another.ok?we'll have time together real soon.and i do want to talk about that the blogs you post on the net. i have seen it you know. i just want to clear something out regarding that matter.i know you love me and all, but there are things where some line have to be drawn. soon...TC Friendzy message sent @ 7/11/2004 6:53:12 AM
i dont know...
reading that message, just got me more confused. im not really trying to break up with you, although that has crossed my mind recently (for reasons still unclear to me) i am a very confused person, i guess the time we spent on email wasnt enough for us to get to know each other that well. i may look simple, but i believe i am a very complex person with lots of internal issues that have yet to be resolved. that makes my actual persona a liability to the people i come in contact with. if i am gonna be breaking up with you, i wouldnt do it over email, ill save you the irony of us meeting and parting in friendzy. i am man enough to do that upfront. i am so torn between the fact that you are so affectionate and love me so much and the fact that you love me sooo much and that i cannot even match that. it makes me feel so incompetent in this relationship. i dont want you to fall victim to my personal issues, as i have been trying to deal with myself since i was young. and i dont like the idea that our relationship is one-way since you appear to be more into "us" than i am; that is with the fact also that we are so far from each other and that our work habits prevent us from being with each other often.i love you but i guess not at the same level that you love me. not that i love you less but i love my special someone in my own way. i just dont know how to explain it. we'll talk this over.just let me think and come up with a decision, if i didnt love you id tell you.(and i did kiss you on the lips, i just cant count how many times) Friendzy message sent @ 7/12/2004 8:22:37 AM
Iiyak na naman ako. Pasko pa naman. And everbody thinks you're supposed to be happy during the holidays....
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Anyways, like I mentioned, I sent out email to those who visited my website and dropped me a message in my guestbook. To all of you, Maraming maraming salamat po.
i just cant stand not being connected to you... i miss you... i just have to say, i love you so much... message sent @ 7:01 pm - Sunday,April 25, 2004
YOU-- *remind me of coffee, u perk me up *remind me of false teeth (if i had one) i cant smile w/o you *remind me of a car, to drive me crazy *at night, when i switch off my lamp and i see the bulb, i remember you, coz u light up my life. HEY call it chessy, passe, or corny but it's still something... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/15/2004 7:16:58 AM
...i dont know where to begin now...you are my reason to be happy...you are the someone id like to be with for the rest of my life...and you ian are so special... and i must say, you complete me and hope you be ahppy with me, coz im sure i am very happy with you. there mere thought of you gives me shivers and this warm fuzzy feeling inside that i just love getting. and looking at you just makes me feel so lucky that i met you...i just cant help but bare my soul out here to let them all know i care for you so much... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/26/2004 5:32:41 AM
AIYAN--you take my breath away, and heck you just took the words right outta my heart. la na ko masabi sweetie. naunahan mo na ako. as always... I LOVE YOU AIYAN. akin lang sya, id kill anyone stupid enough to get in the middle of what we have. kiddin' sweetie, ya' know i wouldnt do that. wabyu yanyan... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 5/4/2004 1:18:47 AM
after a long time...
i cant even count the days when i last laid eyes on you. i cant even think of ways on how to make it up to you.i feel so useless. are we just victims of circunstance aiyan?!i miss smelling you around me, i miss all the things id usually experience when im with you. i just miss you. i miss loving you upfront. im tired of loving you from afar although i have to bear withthat for a while.i love you. Friendzy message sent @ 6/28/2004 7:46:06 AM
pssst...
i know weve had no contact for the past days.i do miss you. i just wanna handle my problems alone muna.am not mad at you.i just want time for myself to straighten things out in my life my way with no one interfering.not that you do.i love you.i want you to do good in your work and try staying longer in one company as it will reflect in your employment record if you keep jumping from one co. to another.ok?we'll have time together real soon.and i do want to talk about that the blogs you post on the net. i have seen it you know. i just want to clear something out regarding that matter.i know you love me and all, but there are things where some line have to be drawn. soon...TC Friendzy message sent @ 7/11/2004 6:53:12 AM
i dont know...
reading that message, just got me more confused. im not really trying to break up with you, although that has crossed my mind recently (for reasons still unclear to me) i am a very confused person, i guess the time we spent on email wasnt enough for us to get to know each other that well. i may look simple, but i believe i am a very complex person with lots of internal issues that have yet to be resolved. that makes my actual persona a liability to the people i come in contact with. if i am gonna be breaking up with you, i wouldnt do it over email, ill save you the irony of us meeting and parting in friendzy. i am man enough to do that upfront. i am so torn between the fact that you are so affectionate and love me so much and the fact that you love me sooo much and that i cannot even match that. it makes me feel so incompetent in this relationship. i dont want you to fall victim to my personal issues, as i have been trying to deal with myself since i was young. and i dont like the idea that our relationship is one-way since you appear to be more into "us" than i am; that is with the fact also that we are so far from each other and that our work habits prevent us from being with each other often.i love you but i guess not at the same level that you love me. not that i love you less but i love my special someone in my own way. i just dont know how to explain it. we'll talk this over.just let me think and come up with a decision, if i didnt love you id tell you.(and i did kiss you on the lips, i just cant count how many times) Friendzy message sent @ 7/12/2004 8:22:37 AM
Iiyak na naman ako. Pasko pa naman. And everbody thinks you're supposed to be happy during the holidays....
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Anyways, like I mentioned, I sent out email to those who visited my website and dropped me a message in my guestbook. To all of you, Maraming maraming salamat po.
THERE WILL BE NO SEX TODAY, I GUESS
I was compelled to eat that oatmeal with cranberries and nuts on the top of the fridge. The stores in the village are closed and I didn’t want to go out and buy food at 7-11. And mind you, I did put on it real milk with a tinge of coffee of course. Have I told you that I am lactose-intolerant? Everytime I would drink milk, plain, I would always vomit. But I wanted to be fine so I tried hard taking in that cereal. It went fine. Did finish half of it. The rest I threw away in the garbage.
I have an 8-5 shift tomorrow. I ain’t sure if it’s morning or evening. Better call the office again later.
I called the office for my sched yesterday and Raul (Chadwick in real life) told me he couldn’t find my sched so he’d call back after an hour. Which he did, not after an hour. About two I guess. He’s really cute btw. He speaks Spanish and we both came from the same university. I also heard he teaches part time in our school. And so I read, he drives a BMW. Whooow! Lucky girls you are. Too bad he’s straight.
I updated my Downelink.com page yesterday. I got so inspired by what Michael did to his page that I almost patterned mine to him without Enya singing in the background. I put that here in my blog instead. You better see it. My email addy is shoplifter23@yahoo.com if you have a Downelink account.
Also yesterday, somebody from Connexion.org promised to buy me a brand new phone. Hahaha. Asked him thrice if he was serious and he said yes. He’s 24 pr 26, can’t really remember. I suddenly remembered Ken, that 62-year old guy who really loved me and gave me a lot. But I couldn’t stick to that relationship coz he’s too old. I hardly even call it one because all I wanted from him was the luxury he was giving me or letting me experience. Talk about a high-end user, huh?! And my friends call me an international whore. I am flattered really coz it takes a lot to be one you know. Hahaha…
I also have exceeded Friendster.com’s allowable number of friends so I made a new account. Do add my account if you want. My email addy for that is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.
My head still feels heavy. I guess there will be no sex of whatever form today. Hayyy… maybe I’ll just lie in bed for the rest of the day. But then again, that’s what I have been doing for the past five days, right?!
Saturday, December 25, 2004
BEING ALONE AND GAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
All this SEB’s* and sex over the phone is already making me sick. I don’t know what I want anymore. Is it just someone to fuck or am I looking for something more? Okay, sex is fun and all but there comes a time when you feel like you are so used up and wasted that you want to just stop and stay numb for a while. After you get off and your libido is on the low, you question Did I like that? Or Was that what I wanted to happen?
And it’s Christmas for God sake! All I could think about is sex. This is what happens when you don’t have work and you have the house on your own which comes with unlimited internet connection. Now everyone on every gay chatrooms knows who you are and you build this reputation that you are a player and that you suck at relationships. I dunno if I do. Ask my ex’s.
But not all guys in the chatroom I want to have just sex with. When you see their pics and you realize how cute they are and then you automatically consider them as a boofie material. But then again, they won’t like you coz your slim and your ugly and sh*t.
It’s a stiff competition out there. If your ugly and don’t have at least a tint of sex appeal then you are OUT! You’re bound to spend the rest of your potent life with your palms as the only source of recreation.. or you could always kill yourself.
Relationship or otherwise, like one-night stand, perfect guys (or so those you think were) would come and go and leave you with your dick hanging limp. Most gay guys know neither commitment nor loyalty, especially the young ones. And include me as one of them coz I am guilty myself. But then again, those of us who remains hopeful to love will always give spare time to have one more guy on our bed wishing they would stay the next day in our lives. Dream on baby!
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SEB* - sex eyeball
Friday, December 24, 2004
MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!
Merry Christmas to all of you!
Another lonely Christmas is on its way 6 hours from now. And where will I be? Alone here in the house in my white torn pajamas in front of this computer hoping that there are souls out there sharing my sentiments. Maybe we will gather up in cyberworld and have our own little merry Christmas... less the hamon and spaghetti of course.
For the rest of the world, have a Merry Merry Christmas!!!
SO MUCH FOR A HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Just when I thought everything's gonna be just fine. I definitely thought wrong. What was I thinking?!
It's already hard that the numbers are slowly going up and then you know everything's so fucked-up all of a sudded. Today's my day-off from work right? Which constitutes a 9-hour shift from 12:30am - 9:30am. But I was absent yesterday so I didn't know what was going on in the office.
I go there, all enthusiastic and sh*t for my 12:30am shift tomorrow and I find out that I was pulled out from the floor for a focus-training (whateva they call it) that was scheduled earlier today at 7am - 4pm.
So I enter the office and I begin noticing the people who used to be so perky and sh*t towards me are the same people who couldn't look me in the eye. I look for Emor but he ain't there. Then I leave my stuff in one of my officemate's station and she tells me I shouldn't be there, that I am suppose to have a traning. I get all cranked-up, my heart beating faster than normal and I know something's wrong. Then I start reading my emails but there isn't a clue of what is going on.
I figured maybe I could use MJ's phone so I go to her place and then finds out she isn't there though the lights are on. I go back to the office and talk to the supervisor and she hasn't got a clue. Then I ask another one and fortunately she is kind enough and connects me to my TL's mobile (team leader). TL tells me he sent a message to my mobile and I say I haven't received it since my phone's busted. TL explains what the situation is and the worst part is, I, together with Emor and 8 others were pulled out from the floor for that f*cking training because our scorecards are way below passing. That we might be terminated from the program if we don't pass another certification. I try to sound perky and okay and composed but deep inside I want to scream "hell!" and just walk-out from that place which suddenly felt unfamiliar. I feel I don't belong in that place anymore.
Then I find out I am gonna spend the rest of the week at home including Christmas because they changed the schedule. Waaaa... I feel so clueless like a little boy lost in a zoo.
And now I am home, my tummy aching, my heart clouded with tears, and my hopes six -eet under.
So much for a happy birthday huh?
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By the way, I would like to thank my TL, MJ, Jen and Jhen for the greetings. Thanks. You're my consolation in this so fucked-up world of mine who keeps pulling me from insanity.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
I got a gift from Bhe. It's a red undies from Bench. Just like the one I gave Marvin. Hahaha. Bhe spent the night here too. I think he got mad of something. I just ain't sure. Got to check his blog later.
To all of you you who greeted me, thank you. It has been another year of fun and laughters, of tears and drama, of heartaches and heartbreaks, of sex and lots of sex. Hahahaha... Love you all.
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Thanks to:
Bhe, Raymond, Mayee, Cairo, The Paradox, Howie, to my Friendster, Connexion, Downelink friends, and to all of those I forgot to mention, Maraming salamat po. :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
OF BIRTHDAYS AND STUFF
Brew is turning 22.
At exactly 7 hours and 51 seconds from now. I am going to be a year older. I just hope a year wiser too. This is the third year I am celebrating (or lack thereof) my birthday alone in this house. It isn’t really a big thing anymore. For me birthday celebrations are just an excuse to get drunk, get laid and get drunk again. And I don’t have anything against that. In fact, if I get lucky maybe I’ll celebrate it that way. And it seems fate is on my side that I got a day off from work tomorrow. Gotta look for someone to celebrate it with. Bhe’s coming over later. And he told me he has a gift for me. I am excited.
Wheew! I am surprised with how many people greeted me so far. Especially from Friendster.com and other community sites. There was this 26-year old guy who promised me a new cellphone as a gift when he comes back to Manila after Christmas. Haha. I hope he’s not playing. Though I am not really hoping.
Well it’s my birthday and I am broke. Haven’t saved enough money to go out from last week’s salary. I bought my brothers their tickets home and some pasalubong for my two other siblings back home. I even had to borrow money from Emor and AJ. But what the heck! I’ll pay them on the 30th.
And by the way, I overslept earlier, that’s why I wasn’t been able to go to work today. I just hope I don’t get terminated anytime soon. Not when I already passed the certification.
I also made a new friend at work. Her name is Ina. And she looks a lot like Katya Santos of Viva Hot Babes. Haha. At first I thought she was a snob, until she helped me with a call I had regarding a fraudulent cheque. Then we started talking at Outlook. She also smokes which is good because I would always invite her to smoke when I am on break. I also told her that I am gonna be alone this New Year and that I asked my supervisor for a shift on that day. She even invited me out before my shift on New Year which is more or less gonna be around 2am. Well, I guess she just felt sorry for me. but she’s very cool!
Saturday, December 18, 2004
ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY...
And so is my birthday.
For the past three years I have spent thse so-called happy occassions alone in a house full of nothing. It's not like I did not have a choice or anything. In fact I did. The reason? It's personal. It's complicated.
It doesn't matter really, if I am gonna spent it alone with the rats and roaches at home or with anybody. I'd probably do what I have been doing for three years. I'll sleep these occasions away.
But wait. There's work. I could go and work on holidays. Well, this is better than feeling all messed-up, unloved, and bitter at home with a pillow as an only refuge. And I get to be paid double. I just hope I can convince my supervisor to let me work on both new year and chritmas.
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I finally met up with Bhe the other day during my day-off. I waited for him at Figaro. SM Manila after I bought boat tickets for my brothers who went home yesterday afternoon. Had lunch at Shakey's. Slept at his place. Watched Stepford's Wives and Butterfly Effect. I don't need to tell you what else happened. I am just happy I saw him again.
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Check out my new office outlook signature. Now isn't this cool?
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
BULLSHIT
Just had lunch. Well, I dunno if you could call it lunch but I had a pandesal I got earlier from 7-11. It was supposed to be for my last break but I thought I’d eat it anyway. And I did. I have 30 minutes more left of my lunch break so im writing this post.
Somebdoy in the office named Jeremy just gave me a key chain with an image of Mother Mary. I was thankful of course. He gave several others the same thing. Maybe he did not know that I am not a catholic nor do I go to church. Nonetheless, I was grateful. That was sweet of him.
Can’t wait for later. I am getting my 15th day salary. I wonder how much I will get.
Mama called yesterday but apparently I wasn’t home yet. My brother, John-john told me that my ever so evil (pardon for the tem, couldn’t help it) grandma was asking her for the money we owe her. And we haven’t got anything. And it is causing a lot of trouble back home. Mom and dad are fighting because of this.
So I immediately borrowed my cousin’s phone, inserted my sim and then called mom up. I was answered by someone who I thought was mom crying. I was surprised and I immediately asked why she was sobbing. Turned out it was my sister who answered the phone and that she wasn’t crying at all. Active listening. Ahehehehe… another mark down if I were at work.
I talked to my mom for like 30 minutes about why grandma was asking her money when in fact its them (their side including her other children) who owes us money. I still remember when mom got a maturity loan like three years ago worth 100,000 pesos. The money wa ssupposed to be spent for a computer for me and other school needs. But they borrowed the money and until now, they haven’t returned a single cent. They have forgotten about it and now they’re like asking us for the money we owe them? BULLSHIT!
Well mom, being the ever so nice and God-fearing woman that she is, just wouldn’t fight back. She told me, Huwag na anak. Bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila. (Don’t worry about it son. Just let God do the judging.) I found it very unfair. How can they insult us like this when in fact it is us who should be doing this to them. I just don’t see the point. I told her that if this happens again, she’d have to call me. I’ll make the move. She insisted her point.
For as long as I can remember, they always looked at us differently from the rest of her grandchildren and family members. Remember when I wrote about an instance where we were having dinner and then grandma told me Ikaw lang ang Fainsan na ganyan. Nakakahiya ka. (You are a shame to this family) This was because of my several peircings on my face and my being gay I guess had something to do with that. I told ger in return, Hayaan mo, pagnakagraduate na ako, magpapapalit ako ng apelyido. Gagawin ko na Fortaleza. (Don’t worry. When I graduate I would change my last name to Fortaleza*) Then I hurriedly went to my room, locked the door and read something.
There was time too when every month we get sacks of rice from dad’s part in the land my grandpa owned. Then came a day when we haven’t received anything. It turned out, they sold dad’s part so their youngest daughter could put up a house in Cavite. We didn’t care. We let it go. Then we knew that our house was a collateral in some transaction grandma did.
Bullshit right? And we weren’t suppose to say anything with regards to that. Not even slap it to my granma’s face which I was so wanting to do during the call with my mom. But I pity grandma. She is losing everything now. Karma is what I would like to call it.
Of course, at the end of the day, I don’t want to see any of my family members, and its extension, losing everything. But if they keep doing this to us, especially my mom, they’ll have to deal with me.
* Fortaleza – Mom’s maiden name which is also my middle name
Somebdoy in the office named Jeremy just gave me a key chain with an image of Mother Mary. I was thankful of course. He gave several others the same thing. Maybe he did not know that I am not a catholic nor do I go to church. Nonetheless, I was grateful. That was sweet of him.
Can’t wait for later. I am getting my 15th day salary. I wonder how much I will get.
Mama called yesterday but apparently I wasn’t home yet. My brother, John-john told me that my ever so evil (pardon for the tem, couldn’t help it) grandma was asking her for the money we owe her. And we haven’t got anything. And it is causing a lot of trouble back home. Mom and dad are fighting because of this.
So I immediately borrowed my cousin’s phone, inserted my sim and then called mom up. I was answered by someone who I thought was mom crying. I was surprised and I immediately asked why she was sobbing. Turned out it was my sister who answered the phone and that she wasn’t crying at all. Active listening. Ahehehehe… another mark down if I were at work.
I talked to my mom for like 30 minutes about why grandma was asking her money when in fact its them (their side including her other children) who owes us money. I still remember when mom got a maturity loan like three years ago worth 100,000 pesos. The money wa ssupposed to be spent for a computer for me and other school needs. But they borrowed the money and until now, they haven’t returned a single cent. They have forgotten about it and now they’re like asking us for the money we owe them? BULLSHIT!
Well mom, being the ever so nice and God-fearing woman that she is, just wouldn’t fight back. She told me, Huwag na anak. Bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila. (Don’t worry about it son. Just let God do the judging.) I found it very unfair. How can they insult us like this when in fact it is us who should be doing this to them. I just don’t see the point. I told her that if this happens again, she’d have to call me. I’ll make the move. She insisted her point.
For as long as I can remember, they always looked at us differently from the rest of her grandchildren and family members. Remember when I wrote about an instance where we were having dinner and then grandma told me Ikaw lang ang Fainsan na ganyan. Nakakahiya ka. (You are a shame to this family) This was because of my several peircings on my face and my being gay I guess had something to do with that. I told ger in return, Hayaan mo, pagnakagraduate na ako, magpapapalit ako ng apelyido. Gagawin ko na Fortaleza. (Don’t worry. When I graduate I would change my last name to Fortaleza*) Then I hurriedly went to my room, locked the door and read something.
There was time too when every month we get sacks of rice from dad’s part in the land my grandpa owned. Then came a day when we haven’t received anything. It turned out, they sold dad’s part so their youngest daughter could put up a house in Cavite. We didn’t care. We let it go. Then we knew that our house was a collateral in some transaction grandma did.
Bullshit right? And we weren’t suppose to say anything with regards to that. Not even slap it to my granma’s face which I was so wanting to do during the call with my mom. But I pity grandma. She is losing everything now. Karma is what I would like to call it.
Of course, at the end of the day, I don’t want to see any of my family members, and its extension, losing everything. But if they keep doing this to us, especially my mom, they’ll have to deal with me.
* Fortaleza – Mom’s maiden name which is also my middle name
FOR BHE
Haven't had enough sleep today. After my shift around 12:30PM earlier, I met up with Jen (from PET) . The three of us (with Emor) watched "One Missed Call" after. I was so sleepy then. All I wanted to do was to just let my eyes shut. But I couldn't. I was inseide the movie house, might as well enjoy what was being shown. The usual Asian horror-flick with a lot of hairs and crazy little kids. A lot of scary eyes too accompanied by a nerve-wrecking sound effect. The movie basically did it's goal - to scare people. I was shocked once or twice but Emor and Jen (I was in between them) were like little kids afraid for the dark, screaming at every turn of the flick. I wasn't that scared though. Maybe I was already numb. I have been watching horror flicks since time immemorial and it would take more than a movie to scare me off. I am not saying that I am this brave gay guy who ain't afraid of the dark. Oh no. Trust me, I am a coward in my own right. Always running away from the dark, form seclusion.
Anyways, Jen slept in my place today. For three hours till my brother woke us up for our shift today. Arrived in Eastwood around 1AM, had dinner, smoked some sticks and then parted. She is stationed in another building from me. Her shift starts the same as mine.
Before Jen and me went home, we had to drop by her place to get some clothes and stuff. We also surfed the internet for about half an hour, just enough to read Bhe's blog. I felt/feel very guilty. It seems like I am the bad guy who is ruining his life or something. I have been leading him on, unconsciously, all this time and it sucks to know that he's hurting so much. I never and will never want him to be hurt. I love that guy no matter how I say I don't wanna get back with him. When I commit, it is not because of sex. It is because I found something in the guy. Bhe is really special to me. And honestly, I have been thinking of trying it again, wondering if it could work. But deep in me I know it'll be a big mistake coz at the end of the day it'll be Marvin whom I truly love. My one and only.
Bhe, if you are reading this I am really really sorry. I hope you understand me no matter how incomprehensible it may seem. I too could not explain it well. I owe you an apology, I owe you a lot. Bhe, I know you've been very hurt and still now your hurting. I can see it in your words. I am really sorry. I want us to be friends, real good friends. I want you to be near me, to be there. This does not mean that you can't go on with your life and look for someone else. I suggest that you do in fact. There are lots of people in this world, in this lifetime. Don't confine yourself to the idea of "us". I am not the one you've been wanting. And you deserve someone as special as you are. Cliche, I know but it is the truth. There's no other way of saying that.
I love you Bhe and goodbye will never come from me.
Anyways, Jen slept in my place today. For three hours till my brother woke us up for our shift today. Arrived in Eastwood around 1AM, had dinner, smoked some sticks and then parted. She is stationed in another building from me. Her shift starts the same as mine.
Before Jen and me went home, we had to drop by her place to get some clothes and stuff. We also surfed the internet for about half an hour, just enough to read Bhe's blog. I felt/feel very guilty. It seems like I am the bad guy who is ruining his life or something. I have been leading him on, unconsciously, all this time and it sucks to know that he's hurting so much. I never and will never want him to be hurt. I love that guy no matter how I say I don't wanna get back with him. When I commit, it is not because of sex. It is because I found something in the guy. Bhe is really special to me. And honestly, I have been thinking of trying it again, wondering if it could work. But deep in me I know it'll be a big mistake coz at the end of the day it'll be Marvin whom I truly love. My one and only.
Bhe, if you are reading this I am really really sorry. I hope you understand me no matter how incomprehensible it may seem. I too could not explain it well. I owe you an apology, I owe you a lot. Bhe, I know you've been very hurt and still now your hurting. I can see it in your words. I am really sorry. I want us to be friends, real good friends. I want you to be near me, to be there. This does not mean that you can't go on with your life and look for someone else. I suggest that you do in fact. There are lots of people in this world, in this lifetime. Don't confine yourself to the idea of "us". I am not the one you've been wanting. And you deserve someone as special as you are. Cliche, I know but it is the truth. There's no other way of saying that.
I love you Bhe and goodbye will never come from me.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
HE
I have written on this several times. You might even say this blog is slowly beginning to be about him and not me. I know I promised myself and you that I would move on and forget him, erase him from my thoughts, from this blog. The fact is, I can't. No matter how much I convince myself that he is not worth my time anymore, that he must be forgotten, that he has someone else and that he's happier now with what he has and without me, he still haunts me like a nightmare during childhood when ghosts were cute like Casper and when I wanted to be Peter Pan. The only difference is, now, I want Peter Pan for myself. The one in the recent movie that is.
I hate him and I love him so much. The truth is, I am still in love with him. Am I obsessed? Am I living too much in the past? Am I becoming the type of person I hate?
Before I used to pity my friends who can't seem to move on from their ex's. I used to preach them about looking for other guys and loving once again. I hate them for being so stupid, for being so difficult. Then I concluded things about love. Love is a sugar-coated sex. Love is a bitch. Love is pain. Love is hate, etc. I tried to avoid it. I always say I wasn't ready. But deep inside me I knew I was looking for it. I was hoping that someday someone I really like/love will like me back. But that never happened. Until him. He came when I was on the verge of breaking, of totally hating myself for being so ugly and so ugly and so ugly. He loved me for my ways, or so my pictures. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I let myself fall. And I did fall... too deep.
Now I can't move on from this maelstrom of his memories. I blame myself for being so easy. But I am thankful I was. For being with him was the most prefect moment of my life and without him the saddest.
I miss him so much. And I love him still.
I hate him and I love him so much. The truth is, I am still in love with him. Am I obsessed? Am I living too much in the past? Am I becoming the type of person I hate?
Before I used to pity my friends who can't seem to move on from their ex's. I used to preach them about looking for other guys and loving once again. I hate them for being so stupid, for being so difficult. Then I concluded things about love. Love is a sugar-coated sex. Love is a bitch. Love is pain. Love is hate, etc. I tried to avoid it. I always say I wasn't ready. But deep inside me I knew I was looking for it. I was hoping that someday someone I really like/love will like me back. But that never happened. Until him. He came when I was on the verge of breaking, of totally hating myself for being so ugly and so ugly and so ugly. He loved me for my ways, or so my pictures. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I let myself fall. And I did fall... too deep.
Now I can't move on from this maelstrom of his memories. I blame myself for being so easy. But I am thankful I was. For being with him was the most prefect moment of my life and without him the saddest.
I miss him so much. And I love him still.
FPJ DIED
After Yoyong and several typhoons before him, another thing happend that will surely dampen a lot of hearts.
FPJ died.
I wonder what will happen after. I know a lot of FPJ supporters are gonna weep and cry their hearts out when they hear about it. Or maybe they have already heard about it and are doing their weeping over candles with lights being gently swayed by the Christmas wind. It's all over the news. I am sure, for the rest of the week or maybe the holidays, FPJ's death will be the talk of everyone. Somehow it made me sad. Don't ask me why. I too, don't know. All I know is, I have never been a fan. But still I feel sad.
It's amazing how a person can affect so many people. How a person can make people act in certain ways. I wonder if I am the same. If I can affect as much people as FPJ can. Okay, maybe that's being too hopeful. Well, I'll paraphrase it. I wonder if I can affect the people around me, if I can make them act in certain ways. If they will be lonely too if I exit this cruel world.
Death has been my greatest fear. Next are snakes. I don't want to see anybody in my family and those close to me fade away. The mere thought sends me to shivers and tears and to my knees with eyes shut praying to the Lord hoping he'll prevent this from happening. I love my family so much. I may not show it as often as I should or as blatant as one should, but I do. In all sincerety, I do.
Suddenly this talk about family and death makes me want to stop thinking about it. Makes me wanna write about something else, something alive, something tangible.
Friday, December 10, 2004
GOSH
Gosh.
Did my recertification yesterday after my so-called-non-productive shift and I think I failed, again. Argh! I had to retake a second call and then a guy with this wierd, obviously trying hard to be slang tone. I really had a hard time with the call and both asked me about stuff I did not know. Hayyy... Whatever happens, I am gonna try to be fine. But I can't afford to be jobless. Not this time.
It has been 3 hours since I got here in the office and in my station but I still haven't received any calls yet. I took my first 15-minute break with Rome downstairs, in front of Watsons then drank coffee which tasted more like Milo in the pantry. Something's wrong with the vendo...
I dunno but it hit me earlier while waiting for calls. I still am very much inlove with Marvin. I suddenly have this urge to talk to see him and talk to him... or maybe just see him. I miss him so much. Seems like time could never ever erase what I feel for him. I want to cry but I can't. There are too many people here. Can't let them see I am sad.
Hayyy... This blog is beginning to become a crap. Love and shit! Must find something else to write about. My life ain't getting more interesting everyday. Life sucks. I know.
Did my recertification yesterday after my so-called-non-productive shift and I think I failed, again. Argh! I had to retake a second call and then a guy with this wierd, obviously trying hard to be slang tone. I really had a hard time with the call and both asked me about stuff I did not know. Hayyy... Whatever happens, I am gonna try to be fine. But I can't afford to be jobless. Not this time.
It has been 3 hours since I got here in the office and in my station but I still haven't received any calls yet. I took my first 15-minute break with Rome downstairs, in front of Watsons then drank coffee which tasted more like Milo in the pantry. Something's wrong with the vendo...
I dunno but it hit me earlier while waiting for calls. I still am very much inlove with Marvin. I suddenly have this urge to talk to see him and talk to him... or maybe just see him. I miss him so much. Seems like time could never ever erase what I feel for him. I want to cry but I can't. There are too many people here. Can't let them see I am sad.
Hayyy... This blog is beginning to become a crap. Love and shit! Must find something else to write about. My life ain't getting more interesting everyday. Life sucks. I know.
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
TRASH
Trash.
Today, my shift started at 1am and will end at 10am later. I asked MJ if I could go to her place and sleep there and maybe we can go out later. Tomorrow's my day-off so I might meet up with Bhe. That is, if my phone works, which I doubt will happen.
Speaking of my cell phone, it broke down after I accidentally dropped it from my jacket two nights ago when I was exiting our house for work. I was in a hurry and I dunno why but I was. That's me, always in a hurry. I feel like time is gonna ran out soon, I hope not.
Well, I promised Bhe I would meet him when I get my day-off and I intend to meet him. Maybe Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. We're gonna watch National Treasure. Hmmm... I wonder if he has watched it already.
Argh! I have been in the office for about an hour now
Today, my shift started at 1am and will end at 10am later. I asked MJ if I could go to her place and sleep there and maybe we can go out later. Tomorrow's my day-off so I might meet up with Bhe. That is, if my phone works, which I doubt will happen.
Speaking of my cell phone, it broke down after I accidentally dropped it from my jacket two nights ago when I was exiting our house for work. I was in a hurry and I dunno why but I was. That's me, always in a hurry. I feel like time is gonna ran out soon, I hope not.
Well, I promised Bhe I would meet him when I get my day-off and I intend to meet him. Maybe Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. We're gonna watch National Treasure. Hmmm... I wonder if he has watched it already.
Argh! I have been in the office for about an hour now
Friday, December 03, 2004
BEEN SO BUSY
Yesterday, I came in to work almost drunk. Or kinda tipsy. You see! I can't even rememer! After the first two calls I so wanted to leave and sleep but I could not. After the shift me, Emor and a couple more (lovers) co-employees went out for lunch and then Emor and I watched Saw. Have you seen it? God! Was it bloody gross. But I liked the movie, nevertheless. It has this impact on me. You know, like living life and actually enjoying it. That was the morale of the movie.
Anyways, I am currently in my workstation doing my jo but since calls are not that many I have time to write this. It has been a while since my last post and I am sure you already miss me. Don't you? Fishing...
Emor has really gotten inlove with D. Really hurts, argh! What could I do? I am gonna be just another friend for him.
I am gonna meet Bhe this weekend if ever I get a day off. I promise him I am gonna treat him dinner or something when I get my first salary. And I miss so much too. I wanna see him again. I don't know. I still love him. I tell him that everytime. Who wouldn't? He's nice, smart and cute. Go Bhe! Luv yah!
God, Yoyong (typhoon), third typhoon in just like two months is totally a big thing. It crippled three MRT (train system) stations and unfortunately, me and Emor was in one of the trains when it got stucked. We waited for like over 30 minutes coz the train stopped between two stations. The driver was so apologetic and kept on repeating these statements saying how sorry he was for the inconvenience and that we could not move because there was no clearance yet from the next station. Hayyy... what a day!!!
******
And by the way, I have received my first month salary from eTel two days ago. Yipeee!
Anyways, I am currently in my workstation doing my jo but since calls are not that many I have time to write this. It has been a while since my last post and I am sure you already miss me. Don't you? Fishing...
Emor has really gotten inlove with D. Really hurts, argh! What could I do? I am gonna be just another friend for him.
I am gonna meet Bhe this weekend if ever I get a day off. I promise him I am gonna treat him dinner or something when I get my first salary. And I miss so much too. I wanna see him again. I don't know. I still love him. I tell him that everytime. Who wouldn't? He's nice, smart and cute. Go Bhe! Luv yah!
God, Yoyong (typhoon), third typhoon in just like two months is totally a big thing. It crippled three MRT (train system) stations and unfortunately, me and Emor was in one of the trains when it got stucked. We waited for like over 30 minutes coz the train stopped between two stations. The driver was so apologetic and kept on repeating these statements saying how sorry he was for the inconvenience and that we could not move because there was no clearance yet from the next station. Hayyy... what a day!!!
******
And by the way, I have received my first month salary from eTel two days ago. Yipeee!
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