Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I am quite relieved that I met up with Maw last night. Though we had some kinda fight but I think I needed that. He wants me back and I so want to say yes. But the truth is, I can't get myself to. He lost my trust and as much as I wanna believe everything that he says, the thought of him and Miguel kissing each other, holding each others hands etc enters my mind and it hurts, badly.

Maybe I am just being paranoid or unfair. I dunno.

So confused right now... Should I stay or should I go? What da ya think?

Don't Go Psychic On Me

Thanks to my friends I am slowly moving on. There's no guarantee though that it'll work but I try to keep myself busy with work and during my days off I go out with my friends. It helps.

Another good thing is I have a new crush. Some Japanese guy I met at some coffee shop a week back. He's nice and cute and he's also heartbroken. Same state as me but mine is more of a winner, or should I say, I am more of the loser. Depends really on how you take it. Me, I take it as neither. Though I can feel that he doesn't like me back, well, it helps to just stare at him and feel those "kilig" moments once again. I am not really hoping we'll be together as in together. The truth is, I haven't moved on yet. And to be honest I am not ready for another realationship.

Yesterday a friend of mine, some psychic, looked at me straight in the eyes and told me to just enjoy life. He said that this is not my time to be inlove yety. Told me that when I get 27 years of age, that's the time I'll find true happiness. I didn't want him to do some psychic stuff on me but he just came out of nowhere. Not that I am really into those things... I'll believe what I wanna believe.

So I am meeting Xander today who has a date by the way at 6pm later. Maybe we'll hang around Bo's Coffee Club. I am also planning to buy me some shirts.

My Brain Floats On That Alcoholic Drink I Drank Last Night

"Shame on you if you fooled me once. Shame on me if you fooled me twice... Life goes on..."

Off to work again. I still feel the same as I did yesterday. That alcoholic beverage did not sink too well in my system. I think I have had too much to drink last night. I need to buy some medicine.

I talked with Maw last night over the phone. Said he'd never leave me. Then what the fuck is he doing??? I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forgive him and stuff. But whenever I remember how he hurt me and he fooled me, that forgiveness just vanishes. It's not like I'd kill him or anything. The truth is, I couldn't bring myself to be get mad at Maw. Maybe I am mad at the situation, at what happened, which is partly my fault anyways.

Now I am confused. I still love Maw but how can I go back when it's all tainted and destroyed. I trusted him. I believed him. But what did I get? A broken heart.

If this is what you get from loving someone so deeply, then maybe love ain't worth my time at all. Maybe, it's just a feeling like being horny at night that you people can easily make do without. I dunno.

Am I making sense at all? It's the alcohol. My brain still floats on that beverage.

*sigh

I Just Wanna Die

"Lately I have had the strangest feeling. With no vivid reason here to find. Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging, round my mind..."

"Well I'm a man of many wishes, hope my premonition misses. What I really feel my eyes won't let me hide. Coz they always start to cry..."

"And this time could mean GOODBYE..."

*sigh

I don't want to cry anymore. But I can't let my eyes stop. I have been out these past few days... Outta my mind. Been frequently drunk after work. Pillows wet in the morning. This is terrible. And all this because of a guy?! F*ck!

I just wish I could disappear for a time, heal myself of this broken heart and find a way to continue life. But reality is on my face reminding me of the past. It haunts like a cold wind behind my back. I feel shivers on my body. I want to run. I want to scream yet I can't. And all I could do is burst into tears and cry and think how pathetic I am right now.

I just wanna die...

I Don't Even Remember How To Be Single

[crying mode]

I guess Karma works really fast. Just a few days back I was happy and contented and taken. Now, I am not sure anymore. I left my previous bf for Maw and it seems like Maw is gonna leave me for another guy. Now, isn't that familiar?

I cry but the pain would not just go away. I cry harder but still my heart wants to explode. I love Maw. I do. Maybe it is my inability to show it that lead him to fall for someone better. Yeah, he is better. No questions asked. And I could never compete with him.

As I now see, they deserve each other more than I deserve Maw. I can imagine them walking hand to hand looking perfect under a moonlit sky. And I will forever be behind their shadows, weeping in agony and bitterness. This time, I'll never get over.

So what's left for me? I dunno. I don't even remember how to be single again.

I'm here at the mall hoping I could buy the phone I wanted next to N6680 but I am still short. That thing that I was hoping to somehow lift me up from this misery was still out of reach.

I should go now. Before I burst into tears. I'll buy me some undies instead. Huhuhuhu... :'(

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Anyways, here something to make you sigh...