? A Big Question Mark

*Wheeew...

Work seems to be so unstable these past few days. The company is on the process of "right-sizing" and everyone just seems to be unease about it. "Right-sizing?" Now what the hell is that? Well, as you should know, it's the company's term for down-sizing the number of employees. I don't know the main reason for the drastic measure but I am guessing it has to do with financial matters.

Unfortunately, I am included in those people who will undergo PIP (Performance Improvement Program." Chances are, if I don't pass this one, it'll be a bye bye for me. No more free coffee, no more unlimited iced tea, no more vending machines that wouldn't accept 20 peso bills which has a 2004 date onwards.

I am not hoping for anything really. I just want this to be over. This prolonged agony is making everyone agitated and unsure of what our futures will be with this company, or if we have a future here in the first place. (? a big question mark) If I stay with this company then be it, but if I get kicked out then fine. There are other call centers around. Maybe I can apply in the one where Marvin (old one) works. Hahaha... Here's the stalker again.

A Dream So Weird Yet So Familiar and Real

Jen and I were on our way home. We had no money at all though it has only been a week since the payday. Not a single cent in our pockets. Just enough money to get us home.

Mom was there when we got home. She was nonchalant about our arrival. This is weird, I thought. Looked like she was in a bad mood. I went into my room and beside my wallet was a 500 bill. My mom's purse was there too. I figured she left me money there so I put inside my wallet. Then I saw I still have money inside. Bills of 20s and 50s. I arranged them all in order, excited to get out of the house.

I bathe while Jen was on my bed sleeping. It was almost dark outside. We needed to leave immediately. After the shower I picked up my mom's car keys. Without putting on clothes, wet and with a just a towel on my waste, we got inside the car and Jen hurriedly stepped on the wheels to nowhere. I only had a pair of boxers and undies with me. And the towel of course wrapped around me.

We were driving with no direction in mind. Jen then decided to show me her dad's house. It was dark and sad. The headlight flashed through the unguarded gate and the tall grass which envelopes the background of the unwelcoming house. Then Jen pointed something on the back of the house. Said it was their's.

We took left and Jen suddenly went fast. Then faster. I didn't mind. We were having fun talking. Then my stare went through the glass. The headlight revealed a group of persons walking towards us. The car went faster, almost about to hit them. I immediately took grip of the stirring wheel, making the car turn right where the people are. The headlight uncovered something that sent shivers down my spine, one that covered my whole body. It wasn't human. It was horrible, horrifying. The group of people were human pigs. They have heads like pigs and they were staring back at us with peircing eyes that melted away every courage I had.

Jen didn't notice that. I still have the wheels though Jen had the pedal. Then in the darkness, ahead of us, the headlight revealed yet another entity. But this time it was a lady with shopping boxes on her left and an umbrella on the right. We didn't notice it was already raining.

It was raining so hard and the road was becoming slippery making it hard to hold the stirring wheel in place.
The we spotted a boy talking on his cellphone, nonchalant about the heavy rain. We didn't take much notice of him though the sight was pretty abnormal.
I suddenly remembered the road we were taking. The same road with a deep slide heading to the ocean on the left was the same road I usually have nightmares about. It felt so weird yet so familiar. I have had dreams about this place before, almost every night. And it had been years since I dreamed about it. And its appearance again is quite unusual. Gave me the creeps. I memorized the road by its constant premonition in my dreams. Right ahead is a full curve to the right, or else we would fall to the ocean.

I held the wheel tight and made a forceful turn to the right. I saw the entire scene like I was looking at it from a helicopter. I was still on the seat I was on when I entered the car. Jen was still technically the driver.
I was trying my best to make the curve, but we didn't make it. We fell head on to the ocean. I saw it with my own two eyes.

The next thing we knew we were walking towards the shore, away from that salty water of the ocean. Then suddenly the guy who was with his cellphone came out from our back still talking to his phone, all wet. It seemed like he was with us when we fell. I heard him saying, "Low batt na ako," to whoever he was talking with on the other line. Then he got lost in that dark bushy wilderness.

I suddenly was worried with the car. I looked back to the ocean and I could still see that red car on the bottom of the ocean floor. I asked Jen if we could go back and drag it to shore. I was worried that mom would be so mad at me for stealing the car without her permission. She agreed though we both know it's impossible to do what I had planned.

While we were walking our way, shivering in the cold rainy night, to the car, with the water becoming higher and higher soaking our bodies once again, I saw a car splash down the ocean from the same road we were taking earlier. Only the car came from the opposite direction. It was also red.

Then I heard a loud sound from behind my head. It was my cellphone's alarm. I suddenly remembered I have put the alarm at 5pm.

All was just a dream, a nightmare. And it scared me. A lot. I told Jen about it who was still stretching hard to wake her sleeping muscles and nerves i n her body. As I was telling her what happened, goosebumps appeared every so often especially when I told her about the part where I saw those human pigs.

Until now, I am afraid of that dream. I dunno why I had to dream about it but I did. Maybe it is telling me something. I dunno. Only time will tell. But as of now, that vivid, weird yet familar dream will be marked in my deep consciousness for a long time. A very long time. It was almost real.

Right now, I'm still scared.

New Downelink Account

It's 5 in the morning and I am here in the office. It's actually my day-off but due to lack of exciting activity and I get quite bored home, I decided to go with Jen here and wait for her till her shift ends at noon today. I was awaken by a sudden pain in my back because of the position I had on the lazy boy while sleeping. I had a good one though.

I met up with bf on Saturday night at Bryan's apartment. Had fun with him, with both of them actually though I think Bryan had been a drama queen once again. The two guys he loves made love beside him. What would you feel? Disgusted? Envious? Mad? I don't even know how it happened. Libido took control of me, of us once again. But it was no call of the flesh at all. Not in totality. I love my bf and what happened was an embodiment of my love for him and maybe his love for me.

By the way, I have finally deleted my account in Downelink.com last night. The other day, i have opened a new account and I am screening all my invites. I wanted it to me more personal this time, real friends, real people not just because i find them cute or anything. If you intend to see if you'll get through my screening do try. My email is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.

Me And Brent Javier Inside The Comfort Room

OMG! I saw Brent Javier , (yeah, Brent Javier) in person the other night at the UP Fair. And get this, I saw him inside the comfort room. I am not dreaming nor am I making an alternate reality. This is for real.

I was waiting for Jen who was in the comfort room when he came by. I did not recognize him at first but when I looked more closely, my God! He was just the cutest.

He was with this PA, production assistant or commonly knon personal alalay or big stars. Anyways, this PA who accompanied him to the bathroom happened to be a common face when I was in college. we chatted before and I actually almost joined his organization. So when he saw me sitting in one corner near the bathroom's entrance, he came up to me and started a small talk. I, feeling and pretending nonchalant about Brent's presence, just said life's fine.

When he passed by again after peeing, I guess, I almost wished I was inside the bathroom and I almost wished I was the PA. Hahaha... A lot of people told me he's gay so maybe I have a chance.
He's such a beautiful angel... Really gorgeous...

Live or Kill Yourself

Whoow... where are the people? The office is like
a ghost town. Have they all gone to Puerto Galera?
I know some people who did but I thought they
were only nine people? Hmmm... Are they all on
break? What's happening. Weird.

By the way, I just finished reading an email
supposedly from an "etelebabe" who has been
harrassed in the office. Yes, in the same company
I am with. She has alledgedly received a birthday
gift through an email of a picture of her naked.
What a great gift to receive on your birthday,
huh? The girl emailed everyone about this, and it
happens it has been forwarded to me by a
collegue. She condemns those who judge her.
Can't blame her. That must have been a shame
knowing everyone has an email saved in their
Outlook of a picture of her naked. I didn't get the
whole email but that is basically the gist.

Life! All you can do is try to enjoy it, or like I always say, you could always kill yourself.

Tikoy From Poch

Argh! I miss the fair tonight. The plan did not push through since I have work and Jen have to sleep for her shift later. As much as I want to go, I can't. My shift is until Saturday night and the fair ends at that time as well, so there. You figure!

I left my sun cellular sim at home tonight. I realized it on my way to Jen's unit ealier. Being the lazy me, I did not return to get it. And now I am somewhat sad because I can't talk to Marvin come lunch time (call center lunch). I already miss him so much. And I love him. I am serious, okay!

Anyways, just got a box of Tikoy from Poch, an officemate and a teammate and the second guy in the floor I have had a big crush on. I don't even know what Tikoy is. Hahaha...

Bel just dropped by my station. Asked her how to cook Tikoy. Told me I should coat it with egg. Glenda also saw my Tikoy and told me to hide it. Might get another CITE form if Security sees me. Hid it under my work station.

Speaking of Poch, I can still remember the first time I saw him. That was during our training and we, the trainiess, were about to begin with our buddy-ups (we listen as agents take in calls). He was wearing a green polo and his voice was deep, very deep. He was Chinese looking and I thought he was cute. I do think so till now. I so wanted to buddy-up with him but my guts had fled from me instantly.

After a few weeks and the training was over, we were assigned to different teams and to my surprise, I got into the same team as Poch is. And the rest is history. He calls me Garfield by the way for he knows I love Garfield. Isn't that sweet? ehermmm... Cute?

Natatae Ako

Natatae ako. Di ko alam gagawin nko. Nauutot pa ako. Ang baho. Di ako makaalis ng floor. Tagal pa ng last break ko na kinse minutos lang. Baka di kayanin at di ako umabot. Baka ma-ove break na naman ako.

Pangit ng feeling ng natatae. Ang pagpipigil na wag biglang lumabas ang aking baho. Ayoko magkalat dito. Nakakahiya.

Ahhh... Ayan, nautot ulit ako. Sana umabot pa hanggang 8:30am. Uwi ako agad. Pag di na talaga kaya, sa CR na lang sa 2nd floor sa canteen. Sana lang walang tao.

Sama talaga ng feeling. Parang ang baho-baho ko na. Siguro dahil to sa tatlong Tofiluk na kinain ko kani-kanina lang pagkatapos kong mag-lunch.

Ayan na... ahhh...

Utot lang pala.

"Tagpi, Tagpi, Pasok na. May Mumu..."

Four hours of sleep. That is all I’ve got before this shift started. I woke up around 4pm and immediately got ready and went straight to Jen’s unit. And now I am sleepy and tired. I was on the elevator ealier after a cigarette break with Emor and I felt a tightening in the left part of my chest. It ached everytime I try to breathe or move. It lasted for a few seconds until I drink iced tea in the pantry. I better see a doctor soon.

Anyways, I was supposed to have a date with bf before my shift but since I was with Jen and I thought I was so stressed up that we might not be able to enjoy the date. So I took a rain check and promised him that we’d go out soon.

Anyways, I have a joke for ya all. Since I don’t have anything interesting more to write, I hope you’d enjoy this one. It was sent to me by a friend to my cellphone.

Dad yelling at his gay son: “Hoy! Papasukin mo nga yung aso sa gate!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na.”
Dad: “Tanga! Takutin mo!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na. May mumu…”

"...I Can't Afford to Lose You."

After three days of break I am back to work. God, I feel sleepy already. I still have more than 4 hours left in my shift and my eyes are beginning to droop. *Sigh

To compensate for my tired eyes, I just read a message from Marvin saying how much he loves me and I quote, "...I can't lose you." Love is definitely in the air and Valentine's Day has been extended. Until when? I am not sure but I hope it'll last. I am slowly falling in love with Marvin.

There's that phrase again. Just two words yet so strong. Falling in love. Why do they call it like that anyway? Falling? Why? Hmmm... Maybe because it is a kind of fall which everybody suffers a hard time standing up on their feet again from. I have been there, once and now I am risking myself again hoping this time would be different.

Anyways, watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday before my shift. Tragic. I feel for the Phantom. I dunno. Me and the underdogs. Somehow I could relate to him though I wouldn't go that far of having to frame and kidnap the one I love so as to have him love me back. But what the Phantom did towards the end of the film when he finally let go of Kristine to that long-haired guy (didn't really liked long-haired guys) melted my heart. I almost cried. The movie is quite dragging not to mention sad. But if you're up for some lonely and hurtful and musical stuff, then the movie is for you. One of those movies I'd probably spent hours watching at my telly over some spoiled reheated pop corn wearing my pajamas over a stormy weather.

Emor has become the drama queen. Told me he is envious of me because I finally have a boyfriend when he has none. He also said that I was more "beautiful" than he is, which I totally disagree coz I never see myself in any way attractive. Love has its way of getting to you. It caught me once again and it feels great. I just hope Emor's would catch him soon.

Belated Hearts Day

It has been forever since my last post. I didn't even had time to write something about Valentine's Day. Well, to all the curious peeps, I have had a blast the night before hearts day. I was with my beau. He was magnificent. I can't explain thouroughly the feeling. It was, uhmmm... like I said, indescribable. I'll give no details. A hint though, we were in my room. Hmmm... Think what you want.

It's UP FAIR everyone. I'll be there this Thursday with Jen. Haha...

Anywhoo, I'll keep you posted guys on everything. Dun worry.

New Boyfriend, New Routine, Old Hair Do

It is exactly six in the morning and I feel great. Jen and I changed our routine that has been going on for the past three days of sleeping here in the office night before our shifts. We decided yesterday to sleep at my place instead and leave home early the next day for our shifts. Thus a straight sleep time with no interuptions for both of us. Her shift starts at three and mine at six so when we got here earlier, like around 2am, she headed straight to her spot and I stayed in the lounge and got me some more sleep.

I am also happy that finally, I was able to tell Bry about me and Marvin (let’s call him Marvin), my new boyfriend. Apparently, Marvin was Bry’s exbf. Talk about living in a small world. I just hope he moves on from what he feels from me. I think we’ll be good friends.

Now don’t be mislead. Marvin is a separate being from Marvin, the guy who likes to walk his dog. Hehe. We’ve known each other through Bry. Bry gave me his number and the rest is history. We went out once with Jen and after that the rest is history.

I know. It just seems too fast. But I like him, isn’t that the more important thing? I don’t know if it’ll last of if I am making the right decision of committing myself to somebody while moving away from you-know-who. But I am willing to take the risk. And I do think I love him (?).

-----------
I am back to my old hairdo by the way. The one where my hairs just falls to my forehead. The one that Ibs loved before. It feels light and care-free. And the jacket and the glasses look good with the hair. I feel so good and loved. Hayyy… I wonder if it’ll last.

SHOULD I, OR SHOULD I NOT?

A lot of questions has been bugging my mind recently. Most of them having to do with dstuff I have to decide on, changes I have to make.

Last week was a revelation of what Wabyu feels for me. Actually he feels nothing but hate. His letters proved it, the way he replied my sms messages affirms it. This led me to think that maybe he didn’t really love me for who and what I am. Or he didn’t really love me, period! What he loved were those pictures of mine on the internet showing my good angles and my almost perfect face. Pictures can really be deceiving and in a way I deceived him. And now I am paying the price.

For the two months that we have been together (most in thought), I was sincere with my feelings for him. I loved him with everything that was me and with everything that I could. I endured days, even weeks, of not seeing him, not even a shadow of a single hair from him, because I loved him so sincerely. Not that I didn’t feel loved and wanted but time was never on our side. I admit that.

And now its finally sinking in. It is over. It is really over. It has been over for almost 8 months now. And in those months Wabyu was the only guy I was really committed with, though only in my alternative world. I have been praying, hoping, begging God to let us be together again but to no avail.

It’s time I move on. My rational side is taking control again. Brain over heart. Though it is hard (trust me) I am trying. And I hope I succeed.

Should I forget him? Or not?

I am also thinking of having a new boyfriend. Someone I will truly love and get serious with. Riddler has been a victim and I don’t intend to have more in line. I did love him, sadly, I wasn’t over Wabyu.

EVERYTHING'S SEEMS TO BE MESSED UP. BUT I AM GLAD AM MOVING FORWARD

So far so good with the effort to move on from Him. He has controlled me for so many months that I haven't had the time to notice the others that truly love me. What made it easier is the hate that I am feeling against him right now. He had ignored my text messages, he got mad because I meddled with whatever affair he had with a guy I met months before and to make matters worst, or easier, that guy sent me an email saying he was very upset because of what I alledgedly told Cairo. Whatever it was that I said or I didn't say, I am somehow thankful it happened. Because now, it's easier to move on from Him. Like he puts it, "I have moved on so far away from that point of my life."

I will not be pretentious and convince you all that I am moving smoothly. Oh no, it's as hard as the day he broke up with me. I still am having doubts if I can do this or if along the way I'll be my old self again and give up. I am even thinking of deleting my Downelink account so as not to hear him or see him again. Also Cairo. Whatever it was that he told the guy, it definitely made him so mad that when Him found out about it, he immediately sent me that fucking email.

Am I making it sound complicated? Not with the lack of names and everything. I am just avoiding more trouble.

And apparently, this guy named Christian, from Downelink who said he liked my pics and he even gave me his number, told me he hated me after I called him over his cellphone. He said I sounded too gay. Like duh?! What was he expecting? That fucking asshole didn't read my profile. I did not say I am a bi or straight there. What is it with these stupid people getting mad at something too petty? I hate them. Now I am becoming a bitch. As I write this post I feel my blood rushing... It just makes me feel so mad.

Enough of this madness. My day-off wasn't so bad. I met up with Bry, this so wonderful nursing student. I slept at his place.

So much for now. I'll be logging in in 40 minutes. Systems all up and I am ready to go. I hate my shift this week by the way. It's 6am till 3pm. I miss my old shift which was 11:30pm till 8:30pm. And it's only the start of the week.

Valentine's Day is near. Now, who would be my date?

*Sigh...

hopelesssoul

I am an angel clipped off of my wings, brought down to suffer the bitterness of this damp earth.
I am a hopeless soul who never cease to find someone who can see through me.

I never cease to wander, hiding from reality. But reality has ways of finding me, slapping me in the face of what is now.

I am a funeral passing by the road leaving everyone confused and asking. My coffin is my flesh and inside is my rotten being, slowly being eaten by worms of enormous apetite and disgusting smell.

You laugh at me because you think I am funny. After those laughters, you dismiss me like a thin air of smoke, that will be brought up by the cold wind of the night into nothingness.

It's cruel, I know. But this is my fate. This is my life.

SLOWLY I AM CONVINCING MYSELF IT IS REALLY OVER

I dunno what elese to do now. He got mad because apparently, according to him, I was badmouthing him and this guy to all the people. He sent me an email, which was more like an accusation of something I didn't do, really.

I sent him a message after my shift yesterday. I said hi and he replied saying he was about to sleep. Then I told him alright and dream of me and guess what he said. Goes something like this, "Why the hell would I dream of you?"

That's it. I so want to end this madness. I am going there really. I guess it would be a matter of days before I totally get over him and finally hate him. As for now, I'll just be miserable and be the same old me.

Hurts.

It's valentine's day next week. To all of those who have dates this valentine's day, have fun! And for the rest of us, might as well sleep that day away. Good thing I have work.