Just finished my shift today. Fortunately, I wasn't late anymore. I still can't get over what happened yesterday. Argh! I can still remember vividly the details and the emotions I have had the very moment I woke up and figured out I was very late.
It's my off today and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday) and I have the same time shift next week except for Tuesday which is my re-certification. And I am wondering how could I go through the certification when I hasn't undergone any retraining. Not that I need it or anything. I think I know pretty well how the system works. But still the coach log states that I should undergo retraining with the same trainer. Apparently she is sick. Well I guess I'll just have to accept that come Tuesday, I'll be leaving eTel for good. Waaa... That is gonna be one big disappointment.
It's really sunny outside and the sun is like kissing you on the face so I think I'll just wait a while here in the lounge and go home around 4 or 5 when it ain't too hot outside. I just hope I find MJ. She told me she'd go see me on the floor after her shift but she didn't. I wonder where she is right now. I think I am gonna look at the other building or maybe she's staying near Fazoli's where her boyfriend works...
Aight! Gotta go... Mwah! I am feeling a bit better now. I received lots of calls today. About 85 call if I remember it right... :)
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
MY LIFE IN SHIT
Seems like the heavens and everything is is conspiring to make me miserable. I have been feeling shit because of the failure I had with my job and earlier something really bad happened, again.
Last night I was already here in the office for my 4Am shift, right? It has become a habit to sleep here whenever I have an early morning shift or when my shift ends late in the night.
I WAS LATE!!! for two hours to be exact. I didn't wake up on time. I relied on my phone alarm but somehow I turned it off when it went off. I was awaked by a noisy crowd entering the lounge area and the next thing I knew, fuck! it was already 6 in the morning. I was so panicky. I wanted to send an SMS to my supervisor but I left his number in my notes which was in the locker in the next building. I even decided not to go to work anymore earlier, to just go home and cry and rant at how miserable my life is right now. But I pushed myself to go nonetheless. I would tell my supervisor the truth. I overslept, the next thing to being fired from work.
Fortunately my supervisor was not mad or anything. He just told me to buddy up with somebody, Patrick was his name, for the rest of my shift and that he'll refer me to another supervisor coz his shift was almost over. I was really apologetic. It was my fault. Who else could it be?
With that the next supervisor told me that I was gonna be on half-day which means half-pay for the day. I said it was alright and that it was really my fault. But I still worked six hours with a one 15-minute break and an hour break for lunch. Went straight to Up come 1PM and met up with my orgmates. Somehow, I was relieved to see familiar faces, again. The ones I was with in college. I was, for a moment, back to my happy-go-lucky self, making jokes and funny remarks.
But deep inside I am very disappointed with myself. How could I let this happen? I thought I have the skills, the confidence (slight), and the brains to pull this off. But I thought wrong.
This makes me really really really sad... :(
Last night I was already here in the office for my 4Am shift, right? It has become a habit to sleep here whenever I have an early morning shift or when my shift ends late in the night.
I WAS LATE!!! for two hours to be exact. I didn't wake up on time. I relied on my phone alarm but somehow I turned it off when it went off. I was awaked by a noisy crowd entering the lounge area and the next thing I knew, fuck! it was already 6 in the morning. I was so panicky. I wanted to send an SMS to my supervisor but I left his number in my notes which was in the locker in the next building. I even decided not to go to work anymore earlier, to just go home and cry and rant at how miserable my life is right now. But I pushed myself to go nonetheless. I would tell my supervisor the truth. I overslept, the next thing to being fired from work.
Fortunately my supervisor was not mad or anything. He just told me to buddy up with somebody, Patrick was his name, for the rest of my shift and that he'll refer me to another supervisor coz his shift was almost over. I was really apologetic. It was my fault. Who else could it be?
With that the next supervisor told me that I was gonna be on half-day which means half-pay for the day. I said it was alright and that it was really my fault. But I still worked six hours with a one 15-minute break and an hour break for lunch. Went straight to Up come 1PM and met up with my orgmates. Somehow, I was relieved to see familiar faces, again. The ones I was with in college. I was, for a moment, back to my happy-go-lucky self, making jokes and funny remarks.
But deep inside I am very disappointed with myself. How could I let this happen? I thought I have the skills, the confidence (slight), and the brains to pull this off. But I thought wrong.
This makes me really really really sad... :(
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I AM A TOTAL FAILURE
First with Emor and then with work. Argh! I am a total failure!
I woke up around 3AM earlier for my 4AM shift. I had my caffiene and nicotine shots and headed straight to the CitiBank building where my program is. When I entered the office AJ was already there sitting in one of the cubicles reading emails. I asked him what was new and he told me we had a new schedule for Saturday and Sunday. And also, the certification results were also released already and were emailed to the whole class. So I hurriedly opened mine in one of the computers just behind AJ, basically excited. But Microsoft Outlook had to install and I was already so fired up with what to read that I asked AJ if I could read the email from his computer since we were sent the same thing. When I read the certification results, I was stunned. I DID NOT PASS! Three of us didn't actually.
Because of that I could not take in calls for the day, or so I thought. I had to buddy up with a tenured CSA (costumer service associate) and also my TL(training leader I ain't sure this is my immediate supervisor) had to coach me for my AFIs (areas for improvement a subtle way of saying you suck). Pardon me for the jargons. I had to do buddy-ups till the certification next week on the 30th which is also the payday. So I got really disappointed and felt shit about myself. But I also had to compose myself coz I didn't want AJ to know I was feeling that way. I was almost teary-eyed but I kept it to myself.
I emailed everyone about my situation so they won't ask me or tell me about it anymore. Basically, I was hoping that they'll just drop the topic and leave it at that.
The coaching went nice since Alvin, my TL was really supportive and nice. He told me about my mark-downs or AFIs and how to improve them. After that I had to return buddying up with a tenured CSA but the CSA had break so I had to buddy-up with AJ.
I was beginning to feel okay about it especiallly that I was allowed to take in calls later in my shift. It went pretty well actually. I had like 13 calls and I think I gave them what they needed. Except for one call where I forgot to ask the costumer's name because the amount he was presenting was really huge and I didn not follow the correct procedure. The TL (another one) had to barge in after my call and ask about what was wrong with the call.
After my shift I headed up to the 20th floor where I found MJ lying on the couch asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she wanted to smoke which we did. We also ate at McDonalds and talked about problems, basically financial. You see I owe a friend 1,500 bucks and my cousin 700 bucks already. And was she. And we were so thankful that our payday would be next week already. Finally I can buy things for myself and I can pay all the money I owe.
Then MJ told me about our other co-trainees who were "forced leave." What the hell was that? It's another way of saying that you ain't good enough for this company so might as well leave! I started worrying about my status here because those people who were supposedly on leave also did not pass the first certification and the second one. What if I don't pass the second one? What if the re-certification is just a way to prolong the agony and put me in false hopes? What if I ain't good enough for this company? What if...? I was teary-eyed, worried and very confused. I wanted to shout but I couldn't, not with all those people around. MJ was very supportive. She even assured me that if I fail and was asked to leave the company she will get drunk with me. You see, she stopped drinking years ago and she swore never to again. She also told me that if I don't pass, she will also quit so we could look for another call center, together.
I was touched but at the same time guilty. I do not want her to worry that much about me. I don't want to drag her with me to my doom. That will be so unfair. She worked hard to pass and she can't just leave that behind because of me... just because of me... just because of a stupid Ian who couldn't even make a simple mock call right!
Now I am so worried. I am beginning to resign myslef to not being able to pass the recertification so it won't hurt when the time comes, which is like three days from now.
Goodbye everyone in eTel. Had fun while it lasted.
I woke up around 3AM earlier for my 4AM shift. I had my caffiene and nicotine shots and headed straight to the CitiBank building where my program is. When I entered the office AJ was already there sitting in one of the cubicles reading emails. I asked him what was new and he told me we had a new schedule for Saturday and Sunday. And also, the certification results were also released already and were emailed to the whole class. So I hurriedly opened mine in one of the computers just behind AJ, basically excited. But Microsoft Outlook had to install and I was already so fired up with what to read that I asked AJ if I could read the email from his computer since we were sent the same thing. When I read the certification results, I was stunned. I DID NOT PASS! Three of us didn't actually.
Because of that I could not take in calls for the day, or so I thought. I had to buddy up with a tenured CSA (costumer service associate) and also my TL(training leader I ain't sure this is my immediate supervisor) had to coach me for my AFIs (areas for improvement a subtle way of saying you suck). Pardon me for the jargons. I had to do buddy-ups till the certification next week on the 30th which is also the payday. So I got really disappointed and felt shit about myself. But I also had to compose myself coz I didn't want AJ to know I was feeling that way. I was almost teary-eyed but I kept it to myself.
I emailed everyone about my situation so they won't ask me or tell me about it anymore. Basically, I was hoping that they'll just drop the topic and leave it at that.
The coaching went nice since Alvin, my TL was really supportive and nice. He told me about my mark-downs or AFIs and how to improve them. After that I had to return buddying up with a tenured CSA but the CSA had break so I had to buddy-up with AJ.
I was beginning to feel okay about it especiallly that I was allowed to take in calls later in my shift. It went pretty well actually. I had like 13 calls and I think I gave them what they needed. Except for one call where I forgot to ask the costumer's name because the amount he was presenting was really huge and I didn not follow the correct procedure. The TL (another one) had to barge in after my call and ask about what was wrong with the call.
After my shift I headed up to the 20th floor where I found MJ lying on the couch asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she wanted to smoke which we did. We also ate at McDonalds and talked about problems, basically financial. You see I owe a friend 1,500 bucks and my cousin 700 bucks already. And was she. And we were so thankful that our payday would be next week already. Finally I can buy things for myself and I can pay all the money I owe.
Then MJ told me about our other co-trainees who were "forced leave." What the hell was that? It's another way of saying that you ain't good enough for this company so might as well leave! I started worrying about my status here because those people who were supposedly on leave also did not pass the first certification and the second one. What if I don't pass the second one? What if the re-certification is just a way to prolong the agony and put me in false hopes? What if I ain't good enough for this company? What if...? I was teary-eyed, worried and very confused. I wanted to shout but I couldn't, not with all those people around. MJ was very supportive. She even assured me that if I fail and was asked to leave the company she will get drunk with me. You see, she stopped drinking years ago and she swore never to again. She also told me that if I don't pass, she will also quit so we could look for another call center, together.
I was touched but at the same time guilty. I do not want her to worry that much about me. I don't want to drag her with me to my doom. That will be so unfair. She worked hard to pass and she can't just leave that behind because of me... just because of me... just because of a stupid Ian who couldn't even make a simple mock call right!
Now I am so worried. I am beginning to resign myslef to not being able to pass the recertification so it won't hurt when the time comes, which is like three days from now.
Goodbye everyone in eTel. Had fun while it lasted.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
MY INNER AGE
My Inner Age
SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)
******
I just got back from drinking a bottle of Red Horse beer. I still can't sleep so I am back again trying to find a quiz at quizilla that are interesting. But I can't find anything else besides the one posted above. Hmmm... I must not stay long in this computer. I think people are already mumbling about my being so computer-abusive or something. I am just trying to make the most out of the company's free stuff, free-internet included. Hahahaha... Better find another way to get sleepy next time. Beer ain't working, figures. Maybe I'll just lie on the lazy boy and try to relax. Maybe then I'll be able to sleep. Waaaa.... What am I posting recently? This blog is full of bullshits already. Gotta get myself together and talk about something else besides love, hate and shit... Waaaa....
ENOUGH OF HIM... for now
Shift starts at 4AM tomorrow and I am already here in the office... alone. Emor's shift is now different from mine. I kinda miss him when I should not. That pact I made with him keeps coming back whenever I remember him or somebody mentions his name. Emor and I are gonna be friends, just friends. Part of me want to end that friendship now, another wants to keep holding in hope that someday, he'll find it in his heart to finally love me just the way I love him. Oh, I ain't even sure if this is love I am feeling for him. Argh! This is confusing, don't you think?
Last night I had a bottle of beer with him... again. This drinking after work is becoming a habit. I just hope I won't have a beer belly. Not my tummy... this is the only thing about my body I like, and most people like it too.
Enough of him... for now.
******
Later will be the real thing. I will be receiving calls from costumers. I am kinda afraid, nervous and unsure. I can't say I know all the systems and the processes yet. Especially with some complicated stuff. *sigh
Of course, Emor's not gonne be there. Ooops... not again... Sorry about that. No Emor now, promise. I am gonna be stuck with AJ (an officemate) who doesn't smoke. I can already imagine those 15 minute yosi breaks and lunch breaks. Argh! Alone.
******
What should I do? I am too early for work... as in TOO EARLY. I ain't sleepy yet and I don't have anybody to talk to. I might go crazy like this. I texted MJ earlier asking her to go here early for her shift but she hasn't replied yet. I also texted Patrick but he ain't replying too. Where are the people when you need them? Argh!
So I am thinking of getting drunk... err... not too drunk. I have work still and the guards might not let me in if they smell or see that I am drunk. They can be very strict you know. And one of the company's policies for employees is "employees must not intake alcohol of any amount before their shift." Few times I came for work with an alcohol in my system but you know me, I can carry myself well even when I am drunk.
Which reminds of the day I first got really drunk. It was a birthday party of a friend (more like past friend). I got really drunk to the point that I vomited all over the place. Ewww. that was really disgusting...
******
Okay. I have decided. I am gonna drink a couple of beers. Just to make me sleep. Wish me luck! :)
Last night I had a bottle of beer with him... again. This drinking after work is becoming a habit. I just hope I won't have a beer belly. Not my tummy... this is the only thing about my body I like, and most people like it too.
Enough of him... for now.
******
Later will be the real thing. I will be receiving calls from costumers. I am kinda afraid, nervous and unsure. I can't say I know all the systems and the processes yet. Especially with some complicated stuff. *sigh
Of course, Emor's not gonne be there. Ooops... not again... Sorry about that. No Emor now, promise. I am gonna be stuck with AJ (an officemate) who doesn't smoke. I can already imagine those 15 minute yosi breaks and lunch breaks. Argh! Alone.
******
What should I do? I am too early for work... as in TOO EARLY. I ain't sleepy yet and I don't have anybody to talk to. I might go crazy like this. I texted MJ earlier asking her to go here early for her shift but she hasn't replied yet. I also texted Patrick but he ain't replying too. Where are the people when you need them? Argh!
So I am thinking of getting drunk... err... not too drunk. I have work still and the guards might not let me in if they smell or see that I am drunk. They can be very strict you know. And one of the company's policies for employees is "employees must not intake alcohol of any amount before their shift." Few times I came for work with an alcohol in my system but you know me, I can carry myself well even when I am drunk.
Which reminds of the day I first got really drunk. It was a birthday party of a friend (more like past friend). I got really drunk to the point that I vomited all over the place. Ewww. that was really disgusting...
******
Okay. I have decided. I am gonna drink a couple of beers. Just to make me sleep. Wish me luck! :)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
A PACT WITH EMOR
Emor and I had just a pact over a bottle of Red Horse beer. We will never sleep with each other nor will have anything that's gonna happen between us. A slap on my face and what's left of my hope went down the drain. Sucks! Finally it's confirmed. He doesn't like me... at all.
******
Just had my certification. I ain't sure if I passed it. I hope I did. Don't wanna be transferred to another program and then learn new systems again. That's gonna be information overload. Tomorrow's gonna be my comprehensive exam. My hopes are high. It's open notes and system so I need not study nor bother about it. But I am sure I will go frantic about it tomorrow. We'll just have to see.
******
More posts tomorrow. That is if I wake up early later. My head's kinda spinning already. Gotta rest people!
******
Just had my certification. I ain't sure if I passed it. I hope I did. Don't wanna be transferred to another program and then learn new systems again. That's gonna be information overload. Tomorrow's gonna be my comprehensive exam. My hopes are high. It's open notes and system so I need not study nor bother about it. But I am sure I will go frantic about it tomorrow. We'll just have to see.
******
More posts tomorrow. That is if I wake up early later. My head's kinda spinning already. Gotta rest people!
Sunday, November 21, 2004
RIDDLER REVEALS | Moving On?
I have read Bhe's recent posts. They're quite me, if you know what I mean. Almost 90% of the posts has something to do with me - he still loves me; he wants to forget me then suddenly decides not to; he loves me still and he loves me still. Ooops, I said that three times. Ahehehe. I do understand how he feels. Been there, done that. But like I say everytime, he must learn to move on, find someone else and have fun. He's still young and looking for something that would last forever is kinda suicidal. I just hope these rejections and heartaches don't get into him... not even the idea.
I do love him still. And that's genuinely true (redundancy for emphasis).
We were texting each other last night. He told me he was on his way to Laguna with his online buddies (Bobong books, is that it?). I think that is good. he must learn to enjoy, to have fun. And that was a big leap in fact.
******
Ohhh... I already started receiving actual calls in work. Ha! I was really nervous that I always ended up stuttering and I keep forgetting the buttons and the numbers ( I'm not really good with numbers) and everything. But after the shift I felt happy that I did that. That I was able to help most of my costumers. That the shift was over, finally.
I hope the certification tomorrow goes my way.
I do love him still. And that's genuinely true (redundancy for emphasis).
We were texting each other last night. He told me he was on his way to Laguna with his online buddies (Bobong books, is that it?). I think that is good. he must learn to enjoy, to have fun. And that was a big leap in fact.
******
Ohhh... I already started receiving actual calls in work. Ha! I was really nervous that I always ended up stuttering and I keep forgetting the buttons and the numbers ( I'm not really good with numbers) and everything. But after the shift I felt happy that I did that. That I was able to help most of my costumers. That the shift was over, finally.
I hope the certification tomorrow goes my way.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
HANG-OVER
Argh. I think I have had too much a drink last night. Six bottles of San Mig Strong Ice. Wheew... When I woke up earlier (in eTel lounge) my head was like gonna explode. I didn't want to stand and get up yet but Emor was insiting. Can't blame him though. He has a class today.
I got home around noon and then I took a nap that lasted for like 30minutes coz I really couldn't sleep with my head spinning. I remember seeing the ceiling moving too. Am I hallucinating? Good thing my brother cooked lunch today. Quite unusual actually. He never cook lunch before. We had a fried bangus. Yummy. And my cuz was there too watching his favorite Laban o Bawi and after that played PS2.
I also took a different route going here today. I took a jeepney to UP and then another one to Katipunan and then another one to Marikina River Bank and then finally another jeepney to Libis. The fare was pretty much the same compared to my usual route. But this one is faster. But knowing me, as usual, I am ahead of time. Arrived here at 3:30PM, had coffee in the pantry and my nicotine shot in the smoking area.
And by the way, I have seen three cute guys today. Hahaha... Yummy people. I wonder if they're gay. Hmmm....
Hmmm... I don't wanna comment about Emor anymore. His occupying too much space in my blog already. And for what? NOTHING! I am gonna try not to write about him here. Gonna try hard.
I got home around noon and then I took a nap that lasted for like 30minutes coz I really couldn't sleep with my head spinning. I remember seeing the ceiling moving too. Am I hallucinating? Good thing my brother cooked lunch today. Quite unusual actually. He never cook lunch before. We had a fried bangus. Yummy. And my cuz was there too watching his favorite Laban o Bawi and after that played PS2.
I also took a different route going here today. I took a jeepney to UP and then another one to Katipunan and then another one to Marikina River Bank and then finally another jeepney to Libis. The fare was pretty much the same compared to my usual route. But this one is faster. But knowing me, as usual, I am ahead of time. Arrived here at 3:30PM, had coffee in the pantry and my nicotine shot in the smoking area.
And by the way, I have seen three cute guys today. Hahaha... Yummy people. I wonder if they're gay. Hmmm....
Hmmm... I don't wanna comment about Emor anymore. His occupying too much space in my blog already. And for what? NOTHING! I am gonna try not to write about him here. Gonna try hard.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
DAY OFF SUCKS
Today's my day off from work. I hate having days like this - idle ones. I don't know what else to do. It's like I am so unproductive. Of course, as always, I am gonan do my laundry and later in the afternoon I am gonna take care of my brgy. clearance which I need to be able to get my salary through an ATM. Though today might seem all packed up but still... it's just that I hate staying home. I am not even sleepy. Last night's shift ended at 11PM and right after Emor and I went out to have a couple of drinks and then we went back to the office and slept in the lounge. Woke up around 8 earlier.
Speaking of Emor and work, we won't be in the same team, as I was expecting. I am gonna be paired with AJ (straight guy). I am really sad because I would have wanted it that we belong in the same team. The worst part is, he is gonna in the same team with Mr.D! Jealousy is all over my face. Argh! But I have already decided. I won't go for Emor anymore. He doesn't like me, I am now sure of that.
Maybe this is not a bad thing after all. If I don't see him everyday, maybe what I feel will fade away. That always work right?
Hayy...
Speaking of Emor and work, we won't be in the same team, as I was expecting. I am gonna be paired with AJ (straight guy). I am really sad because I would have wanted it that we belong in the same team. The worst part is, he is gonna in the same team with Mr.D! Jealousy is all over my face. Argh! But I have already decided. I won't go for Emor anymore. He doesn't like me, I am now sure of that.
Maybe this is not a bad thing after all. If I don't see him everyday, maybe what I feel will fade away. That always work right?
Hayy...
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I KISSED MARVIN LAST NIGHT...
Haven't got enough sleep. Argh! My head's spinning. Haven't eaten lunch yet coz my apetite left me hours ago. Talk about life!
So I am two hours early to work as usual. I was planning to eat lunch atb Top and Tables but like I said, I lost m,y apetite. On my way here I got myself a Pepsi cola. Maybe that's why I don't feel hungry anymore. I guess I'd have to eat something on my way to CitiBank (my office building).
***
Marvin said he has moved on. That hurt. It hates when you can't control what's happening around you. Especially with relationships, with the ones you love. (Bhe can relate to this I suppose. My fault.) One minute they're there and the next minute they'll break up with you through an email. Argh! With Marvin, I hate it that he has moved on as swiftly as the wind that touches every one of us, leaving tears in our eyes and a tint of pain inside. He has/had moved my world in a way that nobody ever did before. He woke me up from my false beliefs against love then after two and a half months, punched me back to sleep.
Why does it have to be this way? I am sure you have asked that question before. It maybe not because of heartache but of something else. The truth is, I don't know either. There is no way to know the truth. Pain and suffering are part of the grand design of life. If only we could play God for even a minute. If ever we could get ourselves into a time capusle and fly our way back to the past, change everything our way. But we can't. We just can't. All we could do is hope and pray to the heavens that tomorrow will bring us happiness and joy, to hope that tomorrow, a beautiful guy (someone we can actually love and spend forever with) will nudge us from behind and say, "I think I found the one."
Ahhhh... What am I saying? Again?! I have heard this a zillion times already... from me.
I dreamt of Marvin last night. With his new haircut (more like hairless) and his beautiful smile. We kissed and hugged each other tight. And I told him how I miss him, how I still love him. Then... I woke up. It was already 5 in the morning. Time to go home.
So I am two hours early to work as usual. I was planning to eat lunch atb Top and Tables but like I said, I lost m,y apetite. On my way here I got myself a Pepsi cola. Maybe that's why I don't feel hungry anymore. I guess I'd have to eat something on my way to CitiBank (my office building).
***
Marvin said he has moved on. That hurt. It hates when you can't control what's happening around you. Especially with relationships, with the ones you love. (Bhe can relate to this I suppose. My fault.) One minute they're there and the next minute they'll break up with you through an email. Argh! With Marvin, I hate it that he has moved on as swiftly as the wind that touches every one of us, leaving tears in our eyes and a tint of pain inside. He has/had moved my world in a way that nobody ever did before. He woke me up from my false beliefs against love then after two and a half months, punched me back to sleep.
Why does it have to be this way? I am sure you have asked that question before. It maybe not because of heartache but of something else. The truth is, I don't know either. There is no way to know the truth. Pain and suffering are part of the grand design of life. If only we could play God for even a minute. If ever we could get ourselves into a time capusle and fly our way back to the past, change everything our way. But we can't. We just can't. All we could do is hope and pray to the heavens that tomorrow will bring us happiness and joy, to hope that tomorrow, a beautiful guy (someone we can actually love and spend forever with) will nudge us from behind and say, "I think I found the one."
Ahhhh... What am I saying? Again?! I have heard this a zillion times already... from me.
I dreamt of Marvin last night. With his new haircut (more like hairless) and his beautiful smile. We kissed and hugged each other tight. And I told him how I miss him, how I still love him. Then... I woke up. It was already 5 in the morning. Time to go home.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
IT IS NOT JUST YOU
Talk about rejection. At least somebody has the guts to tell it straight to your face. Not like this, like I am in the dark, trying to figure out what direction I'll be heading. Not even a shadow to talk to.
Last night after work, Emor, me and a co-worker/friend, had a few drinks at some bar just across of Eastwood City. We had some laughs and talks and updates on what were happening in our respective classes. You see, this co-worker/friend had been separated from Emor and me and the rest of the class because she (she's a girl btw) had to undergo a different training, or something. So that was it - a few drinks, laughters and stuff.
Part of the conversation was Emor's supposedly denial of his crush/fling with Mr. D*. He insists he doesn't like him up to now but ohhh... you can almost smell the hormones between them like a melting chocolate bar on a heated pan. And it hurts.
So I am finally waking up from this dream. I am forcing myself to. It's really obvious that he ain't interested whatsoever in me. We are just gonna friends. It's gonna hurt but I'll still try.
Talking about rejections, as Bhe (former H&K - Bhe is more cute. We still call each other Bhe) has written on his blog. He did not pass the audition for a singing contest. He's great by the way. He has a nice voice. The judges weren't just listening. I got lost there...
Anyhow, as I was saying, this Emor-thingy is also a rejection. I got rejected and I haven't even tried it yet. If you are an avid reader of my blog you'd probably get my drift. For those who couldn't then you'd have to read all my posts... Hahaha. Just kidding. Let me put it this way. I am the type who easily gives up. I hate challenges. If I feel that a person has no feeling whatsoever for me, I easily and sometimes automatically stop dreaming or even thinking about the idea of a relationship.
There... Argh
***
I am still in the office. My shift ended an hour ago. Emor and me are gonna be sleeping here again. I can't even remember for how many times now...
*Mr. D - a guy who I think is gay. hahaha
Last night after work, Emor, me and a co-worker/friend, had a few drinks at some bar just across of Eastwood City. We had some laughs and talks and updates on what were happening in our respective classes. You see, this co-worker/friend had been separated from Emor and me and the rest of the class because she (she's a girl btw) had to undergo a different training, or something. So that was it - a few drinks, laughters and stuff.
Part of the conversation was Emor's supposedly denial of his crush/fling with Mr. D*. He insists he doesn't like him up to now but ohhh... you can almost smell the hormones between them like a melting chocolate bar on a heated pan. And it hurts.
So I am finally waking up from this dream. I am forcing myself to. It's really obvious that he ain't interested whatsoever in me. We are just gonna friends. It's gonna hurt but I'll still try.
Talking about rejections, as Bhe (former H&K - Bhe is more cute. We still call each other Bhe) has written on his blog. He did not pass the audition for a singing contest. He's great by the way. He has a nice voice. The judges weren't just listening. I got lost there...
Anyhow, as I was saying, this Emor-thingy is also a rejection. I got rejected and I haven't even tried it yet. If you are an avid reader of my blog you'd probably get my drift. For those who couldn't then you'd have to read all my posts... Hahaha. Just kidding. Let me put it this way. I am the type who easily gives up. I hate challenges. If I feel that a person has no feeling whatsoever for me, I easily and sometimes automatically stop dreaming or even thinking about the idea of a relationship.
There... Argh
***
I am still in the office. My shift ended an hour ago. Emor and me are gonna be sleeping here again. I can't even remember for how many times now...
*Mr. D - a guy who I think is gay. hahaha
Monday, November 15, 2004
IN THE OFFICE AND FEELING COLD
3:26 AM and I can't sleep. My shift has ended four and a half hours ago and ther next one will be at 2PM later. I am with Emor at the office lounge on the 21st floor. I just couldn't take the cold temprature of the room. I think Emor has already turned the AC off but still it feels it didn't change a bit.
Emor is sleeping quite well. He's nonchalant to the coldness of the room with his arms inside his shirt like a kid on a stroller. He's really cute when he sleeps. I have had a moment just staring at him from my lazy boy. Argh! This should stop. I have to stop. We talked about Jeff, another officemate (who we think is gay though he has a girlfriend of 3 years), who was totally, i think, hitting on him last night. Ouch! Emor likes him. Well, if he would be forced to like somebody from the group that is. Not me. Waaaa...
We also kinda talked about his ideal guy and like I said in my previous posts, it ain't got anything I have. More reason to stop dreaming about him.
*****
From H&K:
no, i don't think it's the right way, because it's not what i want to be the right way... the thing that just really hurt me the most is the fact that you never cried for me... just proves that i am not as special as you think i am, you can say it's pathetic but in the meantime that's all i have....I dunno whatelse to do. I want to preserve the friendship, if ever there is left. I love him and I don't want him to go away. He's right. I am unfair. I keep telling him how much I miss him, how much I love him. And it hurts, I know. I should know. I can be a bitch at times, well a lot of times. And I am really sorry for that. Maybe I should just leave him alone. Maybe it's for the better. But I can't! (*Now I am wrestling with myself.)
Going into a commitment with him ain't a plan anymore. I love him and I want/need him as a friend. I feel were gonna get along well.
I just hope he realizes that soon. But whatever he decides, I will respect it, or try to find a way to do respect it.
****
Okay. I'll go downstairs for a cigarette break. It's friggin freezing in here. I think my blood is beginning to turn into red ice.
More about this later...
Emor is sleeping quite well. He's nonchalant to the coldness of the room with his arms inside his shirt like a kid on a stroller. He's really cute when he sleeps. I have had a moment just staring at him from my lazy boy. Argh! This should stop. I have to stop. We talked about Jeff, another officemate (who we think is gay though he has a girlfriend of 3 years), who was totally, i think, hitting on him last night. Ouch! Emor likes him. Well, if he would be forced to like somebody from the group that is. Not me. Waaaa...
We also kinda talked about his ideal guy and like I said in my previous posts, it ain't got anything I have. More reason to stop dreaming about him.
*****
From H&K:
no, i don't think it's the right way, because it's not what i want to be the right way... the thing that just really hurt me the most is the fact that you never cried for me... just proves that i am not as special as you think i am, you can say it's pathetic but in the meantime that's all i have....I dunno whatelse to do. I want to preserve the friendship, if ever there is left. I love him and I don't want him to go away. He's right. I am unfair. I keep telling him how much I miss him, how much I love him. And it hurts, I know. I should know. I can be a bitch at times, well a lot of times. And I am really sorry for that. Maybe I should just leave him alone. Maybe it's for the better. But I can't! (*Now I am wrestling with myself.)
Going into a commitment with him ain't a plan anymore. I love him and I want/need him as a friend. I feel were gonna get along well.
I just hope he realizes that soon. But whatever he decides, I will respect it, or try to find a way to do respect it.
****
Okay. I'll go downstairs for a cigarette break. It's friggin freezing in here. I think my blood is beginning to turn into red ice.
More about this later...
Sunday, November 14, 2004
WHEW!
Whew, I never thought I can have that kind of an effect on people. Nasanay kasi akong ako ang umiiyak.
H&K just gave me the link to his new blog which supposedly talks about how he really feels. Kinda like a blog for me where he can rant and say anything about me - he loves me, he is pain, that sorta thing.
And it pains me so much to see him in despair. I dunno. I never thought I could exude that much appeal to anybody. I ain't really gorgeous you know. I ain't the type of person or gay you'd normally go gaga with. Have you seen me? Gosh, if you did, you'd be having nightmares by now.
But H&K has me wondering... and questioning. Maybe I am what I think I am not.
God, I dunno what to do. I love H&K still and everytime I look at his pictures I kinda regret what happened. Why it had to end. But half of me knows this is the right way. If I stayed longer I'd end up hurting him so much. The tragedy is unbearable I know coz I have been there.
I just hope he can move on soon. There are lots of guys out there... or girls too. He doesn't deserve me, he has to find someone else, someone better. I know it's gonna be hard. But hey, the only way to go is forward.
H&K just gave me the link to his new blog which supposedly talks about how he really feels. Kinda like a blog for me where he can rant and say anything about me - he loves me, he is pain, that sorta thing.
And it pains me so much to see him in despair. I dunno. I never thought I could exude that much appeal to anybody. I ain't really gorgeous you know. I ain't the type of person or gay you'd normally go gaga with. Have you seen me? Gosh, if you did, you'd be having nightmares by now.
But H&K has me wondering... and questioning. Maybe I am what I think I am not.
God, I dunno what to do. I love H&K still and everytime I look at his pictures I kinda regret what happened. Why it had to end. But half of me knows this is the right way. If I stayed longer I'd end up hurting him so much. The tragedy is unbearable I know coz I have been there.
I just hope he can move on soon. There are lots of guys out there... or girls too. He doesn't deserve me, he has to find someone else, someone better. I know it's gonna be hard. But hey, the only way to go is forward.
EMOR DILLEMA
I was suppose to edit my post about Emor. I am afraid he'sd find out about this and that he'd be aloof to me afterwards. You know how it goes, right? And I can't afford that to happen. We are gonna be housemates soon thus this "friendship" should stay. Or whatever.
But besides my better judgement, I decided not to edit it. I almost forgot, I am the I-don't-care type of bitch. I'll accept whatever happens if he finds out about this - that I am talking about him to the www behind his back, even if I use a pseudoname for him (which is like so lame an effort for its quite obvious, really).
But besides my better judgement, I decided not to edit it. I almost forgot, I am the I-don't-care type of bitch. I'll accept whatever happens if he finds out about this - that I am talking about him to the www behind his back, even if I use a pseudoname for him (which is like so lame an effort for its quite obvious, really).
Saturday, November 13, 2004
TALK ABOUT CAREERS
Just watched The Incredibles with Emor today. It was funny but I had more fun being with Emor than watching the movie. I dunno what happened. Three weeks ago I didn't give a sh*t about him but now I totally like him. I ain't even sure if it's only "like". Argh!
I realized this when we watched The Forgotten with a bunch of officemates a week ago. He was so cute. He would jump off his seat whenever something shocking happened on the screen. He was like a kid. That movie was followed by another movie and then another and now we are planning to rent our own place. I am not sure if he feels that I like him or anything but I am sure he doesn't like me. He somehow told me what his ideal guy is and none of the characteristics fit me. Argh! I guess I'll have to distance myself from him or else I would end up getting hurt.
****
Marvin got his hair cut. He's so cute in his recent picture at Downelink.com which prompted me, besides my better judgement, to send him a message. Surprisingly though, he replied a day after telling me his not mad. He also noted the undies I have in my pictures. Ahehehe...
Is this a sign that he might still be able to love me? That "us" can happen again? I hope so. I really do.
****
I talked to H&K last night and he wanted us to get back together. I said I can't. What's done is done. I love him but I ain't ready to commit to him again. I miss him though, so much.
****
Serge invited me for dinner last night so after the movie with Emor I went straight to his place. Had a couple of barbeques and a little chat then I decided to go home. He has a boyfriend now and I think he's happy.
*Emor - not his real name. you can pretty much guess though who he is if you are my officemate.
*Career - a guy
I realized this when we watched The Forgotten with a bunch of officemates a week ago. He was so cute. He would jump off his seat whenever something shocking happened on the screen. He was like a kid. That movie was followed by another movie and then another and now we are planning to rent our own place. I am not sure if he feels that I like him or anything but I am sure he doesn't like me. He somehow told me what his ideal guy is and none of the characteristics fit me. Argh! I guess I'll have to distance myself from him or else I would end up getting hurt.
****
Marvin got his hair cut. He's so cute in his recent picture at Downelink.com which prompted me, besides my better judgement, to send him a message. Surprisingly though, he replied a day after telling me his not mad. He also noted the undies I have in my pictures. Ahehehe...
Is this a sign that he might still be able to love me? That "us" can happen again? I hope so. I really do.
****
I talked to H&K last night and he wanted us to get back together. I said I can't. What's done is done. I love him but I ain't ready to commit to him again. I miss him though, so much.
****
Serge invited me for dinner last night so after the movie with Emor I went straight to his place. Had a couple of barbeques and a little chat then I decided to go home. He has a boyfriend now and I think he's happy.
*Emor - not his real name. you can pretty much guess though who he is if you are my officemate.
*Career - a guy
Friday, November 05, 2004
LOOKING FORWARD TO A REAL SLEEP
This has been one helluva week for me. Not that the training is bad or anything, it's just that the travel time to and fro the office always eats up most of my energy. Especially during traffic.
I have been sleeping at the office' lounge for the last two nights (if you could call it sleeping really). When we were given our schedule for Thursday which was 6am-3pm, Rome, Justine, and I decided to go to the office around midnight so we can sleep there. And besides, we thought it was hard to wake up earlier than 6am and then commute to the office. It's gonna eat up a lot of our time and there's a great possibility that we might not be able to wake up on time. So we opted to sleep at the office lounge. The first night wasn't really that good. We crammed ourselves unto this two small chair-like beds (I forgot the term) and it was really difficult to sleep. Well at least for me it was hard. RJ, who is another officemate, was snoring so maybe he got a good sleep. No pun intended there RJ. Hahaha... The second night was more okay because we got to have our own beds (again, not the correct term). But we slept for like four hours only.
We have the same schedule for Monday so Rommel, Justine and I are gonna meet up Sunday night and do the same. Gosh!
Tonight, however, I am gonna try my best to get enough reast for the medical exam tom. I hope the doctor won't see anything in me. It's been like years since I went to a doctor for a check-up.
******
And yesterday, AJ (officemate) and me were reprimanded by a traffic policeman in Cubao for jay walking. We didn't see him wave at us when we were about to cross so when we already did cross he stopped us and asked for our IDs. We gave him our office IDs but it didn't have any name on it coz it is only temporary. So he gave it back and asked for our names and residence instead.
I have been sleeping at the office' lounge for the last two nights (if you could call it sleeping really). When we were given our schedule for Thursday which was 6am-3pm, Rome, Justine, and I decided to go to the office around midnight so we can sleep there. And besides, we thought it was hard to wake up earlier than 6am and then commute to the office. It's gonna eat up a lot of our time and there's a great possibility that we might not be able to wake up on time. So we opted to sleep at the office lounge. The first night wasn't really that good. We crammed ourselves unto this two small chair-like beds (I forgot the term) and it was really difficult to sleep. Well at least for me it was hard. RJ, who is another officemate, was snoring so maybe he got a good sleep. No pun intended there RJ. Hahaha... The second night was more okay because we got to have our own beds (again, not the correct term). But we slept for like four hours only.
We have the same schedule for Monday so Rommel, Justine and I are gonna meet up Sunday night and do the same. Gosh!
Tonight, however, I am gonna try my best to get enough reast for the medical exam tom. I hope the doctor won't see anything in me. It's been like years since I went to a doctor for a check-up.
******
And yesterday, AJ (officemate) and me were reprimanded by a traffic policeman in Cubao for jay walking. We didn't see him wave at us when we were about to cross so when we already did cross he stopped us and asked for our IDs. We gave him our office IDs but it didn't have any name on it coz it is only temporary. So he gave it back and asked for our names and residence instead.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
WORK RANTS
*Sigh*
I am so tired already. Got home from work around 8:30 this evening, called my mom about my day and talked to my brothers about school. I also ate a ten-bucks worth of kikiam just after I got off the FX from SM North Edsa and bought a bottle of water from the ever-reliable, cashier-goes-I-owe-you-fifty-cents-as-if-I-am-ever-gonna-claim-it-the-next-time, 7-11. Pardon for my sarcasm but isn't that always the case? They price their goods with an extra 50 or 25 cents and when they've got no change, they're gonna say "I am sorry sir, got no change. I owe you..." Right?
So I skipped dinner tonight coz I thought I was full, till now. I might go to 7-11 (I don't really have a choice) to buy me self some food. I also put some features in my blog which you will noticed on the left ear of this page. It's this referral thingy where I can trace who's website or where my website was accessed. I got the idea from Mayee's blog while I browsing the people in my links. I also put a link to my links page in my blog. Did you get that? Too many links, huh? Just read it again and try to understand it, okay?
I'd probably sleep around 12 later and wake up come 5am for work the following day. Hayyy... Can't wait for the graveyard shift already.
Monday, November 01, 2004
YESTERDAY I CRIED | Reminiscing
Yesterday while I was watching TV, I could not remember what, I remembered Marvin. I remembered how happy I was then, I remembered his kisses, his laughters, his promises. Those memories I should have forgotten a long time ago were like ghosts on a halloween night haunting me from behind. I felt a sudden rush of despair run through my body to my face leaving it numb. Then tears started to fell. It was unstoppable. I tried to resist the urge to blurt out but I couldn't. Tears were like rain falling from the heavens. I needed to shelter myself from those pricking droplets but they were persistent. They left my face wet. Wet with memories of happiness, of despair, of him.
I don't know what had gotten into me. I should have moved on by now. It has almost been three months but still he is like just beside me, staring from behind, wanting me to cry, pleading me to forget. But how could I? Really? No matter how I pretend to have moved on, the reality slaps me on my face waking me to what is now, to what is real.
I never imagined moving on would be this hard. I have had a boyfriend after him. But still he keeps showing up in my most vulnerable times, when I am alone in the dark with my mind blank. He haunts like a thief in the night with a look that could melt away my pretentious hard soul, my stone-coated heart. He break through my mask of deception and see the real me.
Oh Marvin. I just hope you know how much I still love you so.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Hay.. I didn't go to any halloween party this year. I was so tired from the training that I needed to rest to regain some energy. I put so much effort and energy into it that right after I was like a vegetable.
So I am back on track. I have regained most of my energy. And I am very excited for tomorrow. It's gonna be my first day at work/training and I am looking forward to meeting new faces. I hope there would be lots of cute guys. Hahaha. Of course, AJ would be there. He is this cute guy from the training. Unfortunately he's straight. He even confided to us who his crush was. And it wasn't me. Argh! Hahaha. But hey, I can still flirt with him. Hmmm. I just hope he's not gonna read this post or anyone from our batch.
***
So I got a message from a high school friend asking me to go home to the province for the reunion. I can't. I have work. Haha. And even if I were free I'd still say no. I have said this the nth time, I have got no plans whatsoever to go home in that place.
***
Anyways, a few days back, I was chatting at YM when somebody sent me a message and told me he knew me. He even knew my last name, my province etc. It turned out he was from the province. He asked me about the article I wrote for Sanrokan, the official website of Romblon. I was shocked because I didn't wrote anything for that website. The truth was, I haven't heard of that website till the time he told me about it. So I went to the website and checked if it was true. And there it was, my article, my picture, my name. It even got my school and my age. They got my age wrong though. It said 22 when I was only 20 years old when I wrote that article. And currently I am only 21.
I wrote that article for Business World Internet Edition | Mobile Media as a requirement for my internship program. You see, I was assigned to write an article on my favorite place and I had no choice but to write about my hometown, Odiongan. The truth is, it wasn't/isn't a fave. No way. That place brings back memories I'd rather forget. Of course, I do love my family and some relatives.
So I wrote to the administrator of that website and asked if they, in any way, asked permission from Business World for the right to publish that article. Because I am sure they haven't asked me. Not that I didn't like my article to be there but hey, have some respect man! You can't just copy something from other people without permission. Right? well, I don't know about the legal aspect of it but one thing is for sure, I was infringed when they published that article without my permission.
So I am back on track. I have regained most of my energy. And I am very excited for tomorrow. It's gonna be my first day at work/training and I am looking forward to meeting new faces. I hope there would be lots of cute guys. Hahaha. Of course, AJ would be there. He is this cute guy from the training. Unfortunately he's straight. He even confided to us who his crush was. And it wasn't me. Argh! Hahaha. But hey, I can still flirt with him. Hmmm. I just hope he's not gonna read this post or anyone from our batch.
***
So I got a message from a high school friend asking me to go home to the province for the reunion. I can't. I have work. Haha. And even if I were free I'd still say no. I have said this the nth time, I have got no plans whatsoever to go home in that place.
***
Anyways, a few days back, I was chatting at YM when somebody sent me a message and told me he knew me. He even knew my last name, my province etc. It turned out he was from the province. He asked me about the article I wrote for Sanrokan, the official website of Romblon. I was shocked because I didn't wrote anything for that website. The truth was, I haven't heard of that website till the time he told me about it. So I went to the website and checked if it was true. And there it was, my article, my picture, my name. It even got my school and my age. They got my age wrong though. It said 22 when I was only 20 years old when I wrote that article. And currently I am only 21.
I wrote that article for Business World Internet Edition | Mobile Media as a requirement for my internship program. You see, I was assigned to write an article on my favorite place and I had no choice but to write about my hometown, Odiongan. The truth is, it wasn't/isn't a fave. No way. That place brings back memories I'd rather forget. Of course, I do love my family and some relatives.
So I wrote to the administrator of that website and asked if they, in any way, asked permission from Business World for the right to publish that article. Because I am sure they haven't asked me. Not that I didn't like my article to be there but hey, have some respect man! You can't just copy something from other people without permission. Right? well, I don't know about the legal aspect of it but one thing is for sure, I was infringed when they published that article without my permission.
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