WAY BELOW ZERO BALANCE

Just visited the ATM machine. Argh! Balance is way below zero. I can't withdraw nothing. I have no phone credits and worst, i am gonna be stuck at home for the rest of the day. I just hope mom sentds me money later.

Woke up at 11am today. Quite early considering I slept like almost 4am earlier. I was awaken by the bright light of the sun slapping my face and a neighbor's blabber about being responsible. I think she was talking to her sister. said her friends might get her in trouble or she might get pregnant and how gasoline costs nowadays. Too far-fetched if you ask me. I swear I can hear someone crying. Must be the sister. I just had to open my eyes and welcome a brand new day. Had a couple of bread and a cup of coffee and of course, a smoke. Afterwhich, the encounter with my ATM balance. Argh!

So since I have nothing to do today, which is more like I can't do anything due to budgetary constraints, I will try to bug my cousin to install Adope Photoshop in his computer and let me make the third version of my website. Tried bugging him last night but he didn't budge an inch. He was either busy playing Ragnarok or downloading MP3 from the net. Maybe I need to develop my convicing power. If he weren't my cousin and he were gay i could offer a blowjob. Hahaha. Totally gross. Just thinking of it makes me puke!

JOB HUNTING

No matter how I say that I will become serious with my job hunting, the fast is, I am not. Everytime I face the computer, all I do is check my website, got to my profiles, my blog and chat and then meet up people. I instantly forget to look for a job. Come night time when I am all dusty and bored, I analyze my day and find out always how unproductive I have been.

But that's gonna change tomorrow. I'll take job hunting seriously. I am even considering the job offer my friend told me a couple of days ago. She wants me to become her photographer when she starts working in some website next week. She has to review party places around the metro. I think I am gonna enjoy it. At least I don's have to bug people every night to go out. Now I can go out with her ans the drinks are free. Although the job is pro bone, I still find it okay. It would look good on my resume and besides, she is my friend. Dear friend.

Exposure to boredome can really lead me to my decadence. Every night I find it hard to lull myself to dreamland. How can I, really? I usually wake up in the afternoon when the sun is kissing my face, do nothing exhausting for the day, drink lots of coffee etc. I need to look for something to busy myself with. And that photography stint is so far the best way I know. And while I am at it, I am gonna look for a job, real one.

It's time to get those stacks of phonebooks and contact some friends for referrals. I need to feel the rumpus of the city once again. Somehow, I miss it.

QUEST FOR A NON-EXISTING GUY

About the search for the perfect boyfriend. I am taking it more seriously now. Here are some qualifications.

He must be above 21 years of age, mature and has a job.
He must be lean or muscular but not buff.
Of course, he must be cute with nice eyes, lips and is clean looking. Someone I can be proud to introduce to my friends and who knows, maybe my family.
He must not be too gay.
Must be 5’7” or taller.
A good conversationalist. Has lots of ideas. Sensible.
If he likes cats, the better. As you all know, I love cats. Garfield is a hero.
Must be fun to be with, in bed or otherwise.
And of course, he must also love me for who I am.

More like this guy. If you see him around please call me up ASAP!

With these traits, I am sure to find no one. Hahaha. But hey! It’s worth the try.

PRISONER OF MY ILLUSIONS

I guess I am a prisoner of my own illusions. What was I thinking? I was about to change the most vital part of my gayhood. SEX.

So I met up with a couple of guys for the last three days. Actually, I met four guys to be exact. One with a car, another with a wife and a kid, a college student who loves to say “actually” in every sentence he makes, and a guy who’s bound for Dubai in a couple of months. Two of them I had sex with, one I have watched a movie with and a conversation over a cup of coffee and the other one I talked with in front of 7-11 near my place while it was raining so hard. You can probably say I was busy these past few days. Well, I really was.

A MEMOIR TO AN ANGEL

It was a lonely Thursday night. The place was almost empty. I ordered a bottle of beer on a glass filled with ice cubes. Just the way I liked it.

My heart was full of anticipation, excitement and fear. Finally I was about to meet him. I lit a cigarette to release the tension covering my upper body. My hands were shaking. In my head I was thinking of how I would greet him. Should I say "hi" or should I go "thanks for coming" and shake his hands? But my hands were beginning to wet. And I could feel sweat flowing through the surface of my chest. It was as if my heart was crying.

Suddenly, in a corner, I saw him. I tried to look away, to act as if I didn't care. But he somehow captured my eyes. And my eyes stared steadily at his face. He smiled.

He sat beside me. I could see he was beyond beautiful. He was angelic. The heavens let out an angel for me tonight. He smiled again and he was majestic, almost holy. His eyes were radiant like the stars that were lacking that night. Eyes that were bound to haunt me for as long as I live, and maybe in death.

Then I noticed, I couldn't stop looking at him, at his face, at his lips, at his eyes. He caught me several times and made face in return by sticking out his tongue or pouting his lips. He was boyishly cute. He was certainly an angel.

That angel was mine that night. I wish he could be mine forever.

TWO CONDOM WRAPPERS UNDER MY BED

I am officially 14 hours awake and I still can't get myself to sleep. Just came out of the shower in hope that cold water would make me sleepy but it didn't do any good. Instead, I am wide awake writing this entry.

I also cleaned my room before the shower. The two-week old bed sheet had to go. So were the pillow cases. I also stacked up some books scattered on the floor and threw away a couple of condom wrappers from under my bed. Haha. I am gonna try to clean more when I get up later and maybe do my laundry too, if I am not too tired.


Last night...

It was more like early morning yesterday. I was talking to this guy I met at Friendster.com. I first met his friend who lives in London. we exchanged messages to each other for a couple of weeks until he introduced me to his friend in Manila, the guy I was talking to last night.

He is 20 and stands 6'2" and is a college student at some high-end university in town. Apparently, he claims he's straight but is open-minded. Too open-minded perhaps that he is open to the possibility of a relationship, me and him. Haha.

I doubt him of course. For a could of reasons. First, he's straight, or at least he claims to be. And for all I know he just wants me to give him a head. Although I could do that even without the relationship. Haha. Second, he was drinking when we were exchanging SMS messages, though he told me he isn't drunk. He even called me to prove he wasn't at the mercy of alcohol yet. He also said he was serious about the "relationship."

So I'm meeting him on Monday for a cup of coffee and some chit-chat of course. He told me I could also drop by his place in Makati after. He lives with his family so he asked me to be very discreet about the "relationship" if ever I were to go to his place. As if there is a "relationship." But I am gonna meet him for sure but I ain't counting on anything. Not just yet. I'm gonna keep my guards alert.

I've seen his type. Straight guys can be crumpled into two types: the ones who are just for the money and some sex and the ones who too friendly and leave you broken in the end like a fallen chandelier from above the ceiling, scattered and broken.


Wanted: Boyfriend

I have been loving people who don't love me back for so long and I think it is about time I get some loving for myself.

Remember that angel I was talking about in one of my previous posts? It is confirmed. He doesn't like me, at all. I do understand him. He's too good for me. He has a sexy boyfriend and a happy relationship. I am not the one to ruin it. I have even erased his number from my phone book so I couldn't bug him no more. And the piece of paper I used to write down his number? I tore it to pieces and dumped it straight to the trash which the garbage collector will take come Saturday or maybe Wednesday.

But I still feel the same about him. I still love him. His eyes, his lips, his, everything. And here I go again... If only I were good enough for him. I would have had the guts to steal him away from his boy. Hayyy... Now I am dreaming...

Life is such a puzzle isn't it? You love people, but they don't love you back, not even an inch of attraction. And those people who just aren't your type are the ones professing their love to you! It really doesn't work the way we want it to.

So I have decided to try to give these people a chance. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll finally have a boyfriend.

So all you willing bachelors out there, come and get me.

Haha...

LIFE BEGINS NOW

A new Christian has been born. This time it is for real. This one is gonna be better, sexier and cuter. Hahaha…

After suffering from the “boringest” Saturday night of my life, I have come to realize so many things. I assessed myself from different angles; physically, psychologically, emotionally and the like. First things first. Earlier today, which was more like yesterday, I invited a friend, Serge, that we go to gym together. Fortunately, there was one near his place so that solved the problem of finding one. And it is a lot cheaper than those more famous gyms around. I think he would be a great company.

Actually I started working out earlier by lifting heavy stuff for 45 minutes. It really showed impressive results. I think I have a very good chance for making myself fit in no time at all. I even made a chart which I posted behind my bedroom door so I could record improvements I have made for every exercise. Hopefully, after a few months time, I could finally go out half naked on the beach or a pool or even inside bars. Haha…

Of course, I am gonna start taking vitamins and some protein supplements. Smoking will also have to be lessened. My goal is five sticks a day. I know that will a challenge but I am up for it. Eventually I will stop smoking or I will only smoke occasionally.

Second, I am gonna be serious on my job-hunting. I’m gonna attend my interviews and stuff. I am thinking of applying to GMA-7 or ABS-CBN or Studio 23 as a writer. If all else fails, I’m gonna go Call Centers. Besides, I need a job to support myself and the things I want/need. I am really starting to become an embarrassment to my parents and siblings. I am a degree holder from a premiere university and I have no job?! Shameful.

Third, I am gonna lessen my sexual apetite. If you have been reading my blog you should know that I am a very sexual person. I do it like twice a week, even everyday if I have the chance. I even have FBs (fuckbuddies).

And I have been thinking . I have hurt so many people for being a player so I decided to take things slow and maybe, just maybe, I will commit myself once again. Not just to anyone of course. I’m going for mature (21-29 years of age) and settled (like my first) guy. So if you are reading this and you think you somehow qualify, better hit me now. Hahaha…

What Happened?

I was in Malate, a famous party place for PLUs, last Saturday night with a guy I met earlier that day on the net. He wasn’t what I had expected. He was cuter on his pictures. We had a few drinks at New York Café and after headed to Red Banana due to my insistence.

The place was deserted when we got it considering it was RB’s first year anniversary. The heavy rain that night might have discouraged party-goers to go out. Unfortunately, it didn’t daunt us a bit. I brought an umbrella which was really so uncomfortable. Hahaha…

To cut the long story short, boredom almost swept me to insanity. My date was a total bore. Not much of a talker. He was not even my type. Fortunately, well not really as what would happen later in the night, I saw my crush. We talked earlier that day and he told me he wasn’t going out so I was surprised to see him and must I say, happy. But it turned out he was with a date. So I was stuck with my date. Imagine me just staring nowhere while he tried to do some lame dance in front of me.

When my date asked me to the darkroom, I enthusiastically said yes and followed him, holding his hand, while we passed through that dark, sinful but satisfying, smelly with sweat and semen corner of the second floor. Suddenly someone from behind me held my butt tight. Turned out it was my crush. We kissed but the light went on so we had to stop. He left and went to his friends and my date was nowhere to be found.

I saw my date drinking a bottle of beer near the staircase. Apparently, he saw what happened to me in the darkroom. He told me it was okay and that I could hook up with any guy I want around the room. Feeling guilty and all I said I couldn’t do what he just told me because I was on a date with him. But inside me I was hoping he would leave so I could track down my crush and continue what we started. We went downstairs and watched some guy do dirty dancing on the stage. But my eyes were everywhere. I was hoping my crush would pass by. I decided to check my phone which was outside because cellphones weren’t allowed inside for security reasons. When I got back my date was nowhere so I decided to track down my crush. I saw him and we kissed again.

Then he told me I was a fool.

WHY?

My crush and I met Wednesday that same week at the same place. When we parted, he sent me an SMS message telling me he was disappointed because I didn’t kiss him. He confessed that he liked me. Being a player that I am, I made him believe that I like him back. Part of it was truth though. I like him. He’s cute. I just don’t find myself being in a relationship with him.

He obviously had too much to drink that he started pointing fingers to my face blaming me for something I didn’t really understand. Then he left and said he’s be back in a sec. he was gone for like a zillion years and when he did he said he was leaving.

My insides yelled, OUCH! Then I thought, maybe it is Karma!

I busied myself with my last stick.

In hope to rescue my worsening night, I texted a friend (who also confessed he liked me and who was in Malate that night too). But he already left. Then I texted another chatmate who was supposed to meet me after my date and who was with a boring date too in Malate that night. He told me to wait and so I did. But it took like forever so I called him up. He said he’d be there so put off my horns and stayed in my place with lovers all around nibbling, kissing and imagine-what-else.

After like eternity and noticing that the sun was out already, I finally decided to go home.

Outside I bought three sticks of cigarette and a couple of candies and waited for a cab. But everyone else were also waiting for a cab which are nowhere to be found when you really need them. Then I saw my crush, who had just become an asshole, going my way.

You’re going home alone?

Obviously.

That came as an insult, really. Was he expecting me to find someone to take home and have sex with? That moment I realized he had the right to think of me that way. If there’s an asshole in that place, it was me. I tried to hhok up with four guys that night and I went home empty-handed.

On the way home I have done a lot of thinking. I was a total wreck. Karma is fast approaching my way and I could almost feel it touching me.

I have to change. I have hurt so many people in my quest for acceptance, to prove people can like me. And I have been accepted, liked and loved even but I took that all for granted. I don’t even know where love and lust differ. This has to stop.

So that was it, the story that made me want to change, a story that will never be forgotten. I am ashamed, very ashamed. And I am really, really SORRY.

I am gonna be better. I will try my best!

LAST NIGHT WAS LOVE

I just woke up again. Well, what's new anyways? I think I might have had too many a beer last night. I woke up with my head spinning and heavy. Argh!

So I was really bored yesterday. Was facing the computer the whole day looking for something exciting to happen. I was chatting and then this invite came out of somewhere. It said about a party that's happening in Malate later that night. And since it has been ages since I last went out I decided I should go. But I wouldn't go alone. No No. So I called up some people and luckily this gorgeous guy said yes.

We haven't really met before last night. So I was nervous and shaky and all when I was waiting for him at New York Cafe. I ordered Strong Ice and started my way while waiting. And when he showed up, a big smile was on my face. It stayed that way the whole time. We waited for his friend and I would catch myself staring at him God! Was he beautiful. He has the cutest eyes and when he smiles, it's like heaven is opening its doors for me. He makes this funny faces whenever he catches me staring at him. And he's so cute, boyish, and fun. I was really having the time of my life. And then...

So when his friend arrived, we drank some more beers and then headed to Epitome, where the party was. The place was cool. It had a sauna, gym, bar, private rooms etc. It is like a one-stop shop for PLUs* looking for a great time. We stayed near the dance floor. We really weren't for the darkroom thingy and other nasty stuff. Well, not yet. We got our free bottles of beer. The two invited me to dance. I said no. You know I don't dance right? Not when i'm not drunk. They are so fun to be with. We laughed all night. Though I felt a tinge of being an excess baggage. I just stared at him the whole time. He was so beautiful. I really like him. But I am sure too that the feeling is not mutual. He's too good for me. He's too perfect.

Suddenly I remembered Trojan's post two days ago about being with the wrong guys. He is a disaster waiting to happen, a heartache about to explode. But I really like him, a lot.


*PLUs n. an abbreviation of the phrase people like us

SEX

That was one hell of a sexExperience!

Hahaha. I know you are all dying to know who he is. He's this guy I met ealier at some chatroom at Yahoo. He's cute but kinda short. but hell, was it fun!

You know, Yahoo gives a lot of oppurtunities for people like US to meet up and get to know each other, maybe a little more better. To the point of undressing each other while kissing each other's nipples. Hahaha. Perve right? But like I always say, I believe that somewhere inside us or part of us has a tendency to become a perve. Well, given the right gorgoues yummy guy. Lol.

Anyways, I am here at SM North Edsa [a mall] and I am gonna watch the last full show of Garfield the movie. I love cats, like I said in my previous post. A friend of mine likes to call it "lust full show" for obvious reasons. Considering it is dark inside moviehouses and a lot can happen. I'll leave it at that. You'll have to use your imagination. I'm not gonna spoonfeed you with the details.

But I am nto about to do that tonight. I am gonan concentrate on watching that rude cat swing his tail. Grafield has been a fave since high school. I could even draw his face while blind-folded. I'm a big fan of the feline species, and that includes Catwoman which I saw Yesterday.

RIGHT GUY?

Lawrence Chou


Isn't he gorgeous? I first saw him at this horror flick The Eye. He played a doctor to a girl who just had her eye transplant. He was responsible for the psychological department of the operation. Eventually they feel in love with each other.


I watched the movie several times already. And now you know why. Last night, because of my insomnia, I watched it again for the nth time. Lawrence is really cute. Isn't he? He has the most beautiful eyes and devilish-boyish face. A heartbreak waiting to happen.


Which reminds me. I have been visiting this wonderful blog by a guy I met (cyber-wise) at some website. He's name is Trojan. His recent entry was about falling for teh wrong guys. Argh! Was he absolutlety right. We (I am supposing you are like me or else you wouldn't read this) tend to fall for the wrong guy; unattainable guys.


And I quote Trojan:
What's it about guys who are unattainable, the type whom you know is just plain WRONG, the kind you already envision the heartache, tears and endless rounds of solitary ice cream sessions in front of your telly on stormy nights before the first date has ended. Like an addiction, like a insatiable chocolate craving, I just close my eyes and wade right in.

Sidebar

Anyways, I am going to watch Garfield the movie later. I have seen Catwoman yesterday with a friend. She was a bomb! I mean I loved the way that cat swings her tail. Wow! I just noticed, felines are recently a fave amongst movie producers. I, myself, love cats. In fact I have 21 cats at home. Hahaha...