New Guy

April 29 - came new boyfriend.
Name - Zeus
Meet him at DL

*****

So I am here at Yes (Recto) with the new guy. He seems so nonp-chalant about my existence. We're with his friends... or rather, I am with him and his friends drinking beer. I wish I were alone with himl. We'll do more than drink and listen to some lame music the DJ is playing.

Argh! His friend (gay may I add) just gave me a flower made of some cigarette paper (Marlboro Lights). Told me to keep it and put in on a vase. Hahaha... Sweet but not my type. So not.

Argh! Now I am alone with his friends. Bf just left. Where? Haven't got the vaguest clue. Hope he gets back before boredom slaps me. You know me, I easily get bored.

*****

Zeus? I like him. No, I love him... a lot. But I don't quite know if he feels the same way for me... I mean for real. He says he does and all through text but... I'll stop there... I'm going paranoid again. Or maybe he does. Nahhh... Who am I kidding? Argh! I am gonna burst into tears any moment now. Must stop. Brew, control yourself! Oh God, I am talking to myself. Am I developing a split personality disorder? Scary.

*****

I just told him I love you. NO REACTION. Not even a single word. This must mean something. Does he love me for real? What do you think? Please help me.

Sun and Somebody

And so time passes by and I am left without somebody. Though prospects are all over, I couldn't really make sure who to choose.

Not that I am lonely or anything. My cousins are enough to keep me company for the whole day. Chit chats, pillow fights and stuff. Sex has been a secondary thing.

Is it just me or the sun is kissing my face? God, the heat is just unbearable. Don'e you agree? I mean I was at Pier 8 hours ago because I had to accompany my brother who was going home to the province and the sun is really shitty. I feel so dark already. I wish I was in Boracay or something. It has been like years since I stepped foot on the island. I really miss it. I remember the days when me and my high school friends would just go there by boat from our island and spend a night or two to a whole week there. Then Boracay was just four hours away... and everyhting was cheaper.

Anyways, one of my many cousins (father side) will be celebrating his brithday (i'm sorry I dunno how old he's gonna be) on May 3 and I heard my Tita say they're gonna celebrate it at Water Fun. I think it's in Paranaque. So I am gonna be there. The last time I was in a pool was that Bataan thingy.

Hayyy... I am so bored.

Conversation With An Ex

I am sure you all remember H&K. Well for those who didn't know, he is my boyfriend (rather ex bf) after Marvin (the first Marvin). We lasted I think a month and four days. The relationship didn't work out for me. I was too much attached with Marvin yet and my feeling were still with him. So I let go of H&K.

We were talking earlier over the phone. Most of the conversation went around on how cruel and selfish I am with him and Jerome and Marvin (new). He feels they are all my victims. He told me he feels sorry for these guys that they had to meet me and let me ruin their lives.

I laughed at first pretending these stuff he's talking about did not hit. I kept asking for the truth, if I was really that way. He affirmed with conviction and curse. I was born to hurt people, he said.

Towards the end of the conversation he iriterated these things over and over again. It seemed he was convinced that I treated them unruly, that I was a bastard ruining other people's lives. Well at least the guys I was with.

And he wishes that I met someone who'd hurt me so bad that I'd take my own life. That I'll be hurt enough to kill myself.

Then it finally hit me. Tears came running down my eyes. It hit me so bad that my face was numb, my heart aching. I just had to admit and face it. I told him he was right... absolutely right. I am a loser. I am a bastard.

Then Jerome texted me saying that Marvin (new) has a new bf. That soon? That can't be. So I texted Marvin and ask. He replied, "Wag mo akong igaya sau..." He also told me that if it would hurt me to know he has found someone else than he'd go for it. He'd go looking for another lover just so i would know how it is to be hurt.

If only they know how I am hurting inside. If only they know that I am suffering the pain I've caused them as much as they do.

I am so sorry. I guess I never really did get over Marvin (first).

Fall of Bataan II Pics

Some pics from the UP Optics Sem-Ender last April 13-14 at La Vista Resort in Balanga, Bataan. Great place by the way. Pictures courtesy of DCercado. (Optics member)

*For more pics, please click this link: DCercado

Another Sad Story of my Life

It's official. He already said his goodbyes (15April05) and I didn't even have the guts to stop him. What for? I have done such a cruel thing to him. I hurt his feelings and betrayed his trust. Just when everything was going perfectly okay, this tragedy had to come knocking on our door. And it's all my fault.

Now I am back to singlehood. I should be happy right? Well I ain't!!! I miss my Marvin so much and I love so sincerely.

But he's gone. And he won't come back. He told me so. He asked me to stop texting him coz it's killing him with pain and disappointment.

Another sad story of my life I guess... And it'll be forever engraved in my memory.

Christina in the Background

"If you wanna be with me baby there's a price to pay. I'm a genie in a bottle. You gotta rub me the right way..."

I am talking with Edsel (aka H&K) right now at YM. He sounds so mad at me for breaking up with him and making him see my new blog layout. He read about Marvin and the other guy, of course.

Don't get me wrong. I am not making his life miserable or anything. I still do love him mind you. I love all my ex's. There's this big part of me which is happy there's them. I am happy because they prove that I can be lovable no matter how monstrous I look like or how incompetent I am when it comes to relationships. Am I keeping them as trophies? I don't want to think of it that way. I just want to be friends with them.

Does this prove that I can't be alone, that I never wanna be the only one, I don't wanna be left out? Argh! Am I so dependent?

One thing is for sure though. I miss them and I tell that to everyone of them...

"... and when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got..."

Stripped Naked

I am doomed. Karma is all over me.

Marvin finally found out about the other guy. And he was not happy about it. Neither did I. I love him so much that earlier that day I broke up with the other guy. But I guess no secret will remain a secret forever. I just hate it that it would come out in such a time. I was having a marvelous time with Marvin. We watched a movie, had sex and slept afterwards. Or so I thought.

Apparently, I was asleep when he got my cellphone. And there it was, a message that would ruin everything. "Musta na bhe." The other guy which I had broke up with earlier that day had dropped the bomb and it came blowing in my face.

He left the house mad. He was persistent. I didn't even get to stop him. I was like a child giving in to his request. He was leaving me.

That happened last night. And tonight, I am so miserable.

The Fall of Bataan II

It ain't really the fall of Bataan or something like that. I just like the sound of the title. Don't you?

UP OPTICS invaded La Vista Resort in Balanga, Bataan last April 13-14. The organization, (which I was once the President by the way) held it's sem-ender there in a resort owned by one of the new members.

The event was so fun. There were two applicants who did their final rights* there and they stripped naked while blindfolded. The best part is, the other guy was a long-time crush and I finally got to see him in his undies. Hahaha. And we belong from the same province too -- from the heart of the Philippines... Romblon!!!

Most of the new members I just met there for the first time. And to be fair with them, they have fun written all over.

I miss the good old days.

There's also one thing I realized. That no matter how rude and cruel I try to be, I just can't do it or at least pretend to. I just don't like seeing other people being harassed and manipulated and sad (sh*t! I am sure all of my ex's think otherwise).


******
*final rights - neophytes undergo this last process as a test of their allegiance, sincerity and commitment to the organization

Brew Over Cigar 100% Comic

Do you like it?
I hope so.

I have finally decided to once again change the look of my website. Took me two days to make it and it is not yet done. The photo gallery will have more pictures as well as artworks by yours truly.

Gotta go! I'm uploading my files in geocities. Mwah! Enjoy your day!

My Last Cup of Unlimited Iced Tea

Argh! So I finally took my last cup of iced tea from eTel. Part of me is happy and a bigger part of me is sad. I miss the people on the floor. The people who seemed so difficult at first but eventually gave in to my irresistable charm. (blah blah) :)

It has been like two or three weeks since my last call from that company and I still linger every minute of my stay there. I have learned to love the people there, well most of them. And I have seen how nice they treated me. But like they say, some things never last and maybe my time was already up.

Right now, I am looking for another company, another call center. I know it is gonna be hard at first but I am sure i'll get along just fine.

Hayyy... I am so bored. What am I to do this week?

Freezing Monthsary

It's our first month anniversay and everything just seems fucked-up!

I know. It is my fault. I shouldn't be here in the office with Jen freezing up like a snow cap has fallen above me. I should be with Marvin just like I promised him. I should be hugging him right now wrapped in his big arms waering nothing but boxers soaked up with love and unforbidden sex. But where am I? I am in this fucking office who will soon force me to leave because of some freaking "right-sizing" the company is trying to pull up.

I love Marvin. Even Jen could attest to that, I think. But there are just things that are inevitable.

And now Marvin has turned into this drama queen I was once like and he's uncontrollable. He feels like I am with someone else right now because i didn't get his first call. Then he asks me If I really love him (YES!!!) and so on and so forth. Now he's gonna get drunk because of me. I am flattered and all but I don't want him to get hurt because he loves me.

Argh! I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm too young to handle relationships. Maybe this ain't just my road...

? A Big Question Mark

*Wheeew...

Work seems to be so unstable these past few days. The company is on the process of "right-sizing" and everyone just seems to be unease about it. "Right-sizing?" Now what the hell is that? Well, as you should know, it's the company's term for down-sizing the number of employees. I don't know the main reason for the drastic measure but I am guessing it has to do with financial matters.

Unfortunately, I am included in those people who will undergo PIP (Performance Improvement Program." Chances are, if I don't pass this one, it'll be a bye bye for me. No more free coffee, no more unlimited iced tea, no more vending machines that wouldn't accept 20 peso bills which has a 2004 date onwards.

I am not hoping for anything really. I just want this to be over. This prolonged agony is making everyone agitated and unsure of what our futures will be with this company, or if we have a future here in the first place. (? a big question mark) If I stay with this company then be it, but if I get kicked out then fine. There are other call centers around. Maybe I can apply in the one where Marvin (old one) works. Hahaha... Here's the stalker again.

A Dream So Weird Yet So Familiar and Real

Jen and I were on our way home. We had no money at all though it has only been a week since the payday. Not a single cent in our pockets. Just enough money to get us home.

Mom was there when we got home. She was nonchalant about our arrival. This is weird, I thought. Looked like she was in a bad mood. I went into my room and beside my wallet was a 500 bill. My mom's purse was there too. I figured she left me money there so I put inside my wallet. Then I saw I still have money inside. Bills of 20s and 50s. I arranged them all in order, excited to get out of the house.

I bathe while Jen was on my bed sleeping. It was almost dark outside. We needed to leave immediately. After the shower I picked up my mom's car keys. Without putting on clothes, wet and with a just a towel on my waste, we got inside the car and Jen hurriedly stepped on the wheels to nowhere. I only had a pair of boxers and undies with me. And the towel of course wrapped around me.

We were driving with no direction in mind. Jen then decided to show me her dad's house. It was dark and sad. The headlight flashed through the unguarded gate and the tall grass which envelopes the background of the unwelcoming house. Then Jen pointed something on the back of the house. Said it was their's.

We took left and Jen suddenly went fast. Then faster. I didn't mind. We were having fun talking. Then my stare went through the glass. The headlight revealed a group of persons walking towards us. The car went faster, almost about to hit them. I immediately took grip of the stirring wheel, making the car turn right where the people are. The headlight uncovered something that sent shivers down my spine, one that covered my whole body. It wasn't human. It was horrible, horrifying. The group of people were human pigs. They have heads like pigs and they were staring back at us with peircing eyes that melted away every courage I had.

Jen didn't notice that. I still have the wheels though Jen had the pedal. Then in the darkness, ahead of us, the headlight revealed yet another entity. But this time it was a lady with shopping boxes on her left and an umbrella on the right. We didn't notice it was already raining.

It was raining so hard and the road was becoming slippery making it hard to hold the stirring wheel in place.
The we spotted a boy talking on his cellphone, nonchalant about the heavy rain. We didn't take much notice of him though the sight was pretty abnormal.
I suddenly remembered the road we were taking. The same road with a deep slide heading to the ocean on the left was the same road I usually have nightmares about. It felt so weird yet so familiar. I have had dreams about this place before, almost every night. And it had been years since I dreamed about it. And its appearance again is quite unusual. Gave me the creeps. I memorized the road by its constant premonition in my dreams. Right ahead is a full curve to the right, or else we would fall to the ocean.

I held the wheel tight and made a forceful turn to the right. I saw the entire scene like I was looking at it from a helicopter. I was still on the seat I was on when I entered the car. Jen was still technically the driver.
I was trying my best to make the curve, but we didn't make it. We fell head on to the ocean. I saw it with my own two eyes.

The next thing we knew we were walking towards the shore, away from that salty water of the ocean. Then suddenly the guy who was with his cellphone came out from our back still talking to his phone, all wet. It seemed like he was with us when we fell. I heard him saying, "Low batt na ako," to whoever he was talking with on the other line. Then he got lost in that dark bushy wilderness.

I suddenly was worried with the car. I looked back to the ocean and I could still see that red car on the bottom of the ocean floor. I asked Jen if we could go back and drag it to shore. I was worried that mom would be so mad at me for stealing the car without her permission. She agreed though we both know it's impossible to do what I had planned.

While we were walking our way, shivering in the cold rainy night, to the car, with the water becoming higher and higher soaking our bodies once again, I saw a car splash down the ocean from the same road we were taking earlier. Only the car came from the opposite direction. It was also red.

Then I heard a loud sound from behind my head. It was my cellphone's alarm. I suddenly remembered I have put the alarm at 5pm.

All was just a dream, a nightmare. And it scared me. A lot. I told Jen about it who was still stretching hard to wake her sleeping muscles and nerves i n her body. As I was telling her what happened, goosebumps appeared every so often especially when I told her about the part where I saw those human pigs.

Until now, I am afraid of that dream. I dunno why I had to dream about it but I did. Maybe it is telling me something. I dunno. Only time will tell. But as of now, that vivid, weird yet familar dream will be marked in my deep consciousness for a long time. A very long time. It was almost real.

Right now, I'm still scared.

New Downelink Account

It's 5 in the morning and I am here in the office. It's actually my day-off but due to lack of exciting activity and I get quite bored home, I decided to go with Jen here and wait for her till her shift ends at noon today. I was awaken by a sudden pain in my back because of the position I had on the lazy boy while sleeping. I had a good one though.

I met up with bf on Saturday night at Bryan's apartment. Had fun with him, with both of them actually though I think Bryan had been a drama queen once again. The two guys he loves made love beside him. What would you feel? Disgusted? Envious? Mad? I don't even know how it happened. Libido took control of me, of us once again. But it was no call of the flesh at all. Not in totality. I love my bf and what happened was an embodiment of my love for him and maybe his love for me.

By the way, I have finally deleted my account in Downelink.com last night. The other day, i have opened a new account and I am screening all my invites. I wanted it to me more personal this time, real friends, real people not just because i find them cute or anything. If you intend to see if you'll get through my screening do try. My email is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.

Me And Brent Javier Inside The Comfort Room

OMG! I saw Brent Javier , (yeah, Brent Javier) in person the other night at the UP Fair. And get this, I saw him inside the comfort room. I am not dreaming nor am I making an alternate reality. This is for real.

I was waiting for Jen who was in the comfort room when he came by. I did not recognize him at first but when I looked more closely, my God! He was just the cutest.

He was with this PA, production assistant or commonly knon personal alalay or big stars. Anyways, this PA who accompanied him to the bathroom happened to be a common face when I was in college. we chatted before and I actually almost joined his organization. So when he saw me sitting in one corner near the bathroom's entrance, he came up to me and started a small talk. I, feeling and pretending nonchalant about Brent's presence, just said life's fine.

When he passed by again after peeing, I guess, I almost wished I was inside the bathroom and I almost wished I was the PA. Hahaha... A lot of people told me he's gay so maybe I have a chance.
He's such a beautiful angel... Really gorgeous...

Live or Kill Yourself

Whoow... where are the people? The office is like
a ghost town. Have they all gone to Puerto Galera?
I know some people who did but I thought they
were only nine people? Hmmm... Are they all on
break? What's happening. Weird.

By the way, I just finished reading an email
supposedly from an "etelebabe" who has been
harrassed in the office. Yes, in the same company
I am with. She has alledgedly received a birthday
gift through an email of a picture of her naked.
What a great gift to receive on your birthday,
huh? The girl emailed everyone about this, and it
happens it has been forwarded to me by a
collegue. She condemns those who judge her.
Can't blame her. That must have been a shame
knowing everyone has an email saved in their
Outlook of a picture of her naked. I didn't get the
whole email but that is basically the gist.

Life! All you can do is try to enjoy it, or like I always say, you could always kill yourself.

Tikoy From Poch

Argh! I miss the fair tonight. The plan did not push through since I have work and Jen have to sleep for her shift later. As much as I want to go, I can't. My shift is until Saturday night and the fair ends at that time as well, so there. You figure!

I left my sun cellular sim at home tonight. I realized it on my way to Jen's unit ealier. Being the lazy me, I did not return to get it. And now I am somewhat sad because I can't talk to Marvin come lunch time (call center lunch). I already miss him so much. And I love him. I am serious, okay!

Anyways, just got a box of Tikoy from Poch, an officemate and a teammate and the second guy in the floor I have had a big crush on. I don't even know what Tikoy is. Hahaha...

Bel just dropped by my station. Asked her how to cook Tikoy. Told me I should coat it with egg. Glenda also saw my Tikoy and told me to hide it. Might get another CITE form if Security sees me. Hid it under my work station.

Speaking of Poch, I can still remember the first time I saw him. That was during our training and we, the trainiess, were about to begin with our buddy-ups (we listen as agents take in calls). He was wearing a green polo and his voice was deep, very deep. He was Chinese looking and I thought he was cute. I do think so till now. I so wanted to buddy-up with him but my guts had fled from me instantly.

After a few weeks and the training was over, we were assigned to different teams and to my surprise, I got into the same team as Poch is. And the rest is history. He calls me Garfield by the way for he knows I love Garfield. Isn't that sweet? ehermmm... Cute?

Natatae Ako

Natatae ako. Di ko alam gagawin nko. Nauutot pa ako. Ang baho. Di ako makaalis ng floor. Tagal pa ng last break ko na kinse minutos lang. Baka di kayanin at di ako umabot. Baka ma-ove break na naman ako.

Pangit ng feeling ng natatae. Ang pagpipigil na wag biglang lumabas ang aking baho. Ayoko magkalat dito. Nakakahiya.

Ahhh... Ayan, nautot ulit ako. Sana umabot pa hanggang 8:30am. Uwi ako agad. Pag di na talaga kaya, sa CR na lang sa 2nd floor sa canteen. Sana lang walang tao.

Sama talaga ng feeling. Parang ang baho-baho ko na. Siguro dahil to sa tatlong Tofiluk na kinain ko kani-kanina lang pagkatapos kong mag-lunch.

Ayan na... ahhh...

Utot lang pala.

"Tagpi, Tagpi, Pasok na. May Mumu..."

Four hours of sleep. That is all I’ve got before this shift started. I woke up around 4pm and immediately got ready and went straight to Jen’s unit. And now I am sleepy and tired. I was on the elevator ealier after a cigarette break with Emor and I felt a tightening in the left part of my chest. It ached everytime I try to breathe or move. It lasted for a few seconds until I drink iced tea in the pantry. I better see a doctor soon.

Anyways, I was supposed to have a date with bf before my shift but since I was with Jen and I thought I was so stressed up that we might not be able to enjoy the date. So I took a rain check and promised him that we’d go out soon.

Anyways, I have a joke for ya all. Since I don’t have anything interesting more to write, I hope you’d enjoy this one. It was sent to me by a friend to my cellphone.

Dad yelling at his gay son: “Hoy! Papasukin mo nga yung aso sa gate!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na.”
Dad: “Tanga! Takutin mo!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na. May mumu…”

"...I Can't Afford to Lose You."

After three days of break I am back to work. God, I feel sleepy already. I still have more than 4 hours left in my shift and my eyes are beginning to droop. *Sigh

To compensate for my tired eyes, I just read a message from Marvin saying how much he loves me and I quote, "...I can't lose you." Love is definitely in the air and Valentine's Day has been extended. Until when? I am not sure but I hope it'll last. I am slowly falling in love with Marvin.

There's that phrase again. Just two words yet so strong. Falling in love. Why do they call it like that anyway? Falling? Why? Hmmm... Maybe because it is a kind of fall which everybody suffers a hard time standing up on their feet again from. I have been there, once and now I am risking myself again hoping this time would be different.

Anyways, watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday before my shift. Tragic. I feel for the Phantom. I dunno. Me and the underdogs. Somehow I could relate to him though I wouldn't go that far of having to frame and kidnap the one I love so as to have him love me back. But what the Phantom did towards the end of the film when he finally let go of Kristine to that long-haired guy (didn't really liked long-haired guys) melted my heart. I almost cried. The movie is quite dragging not to mention sad. But if you're up for some lonely and hurtful and musical stuff, then the movie is for you. One of those movies I'd probably spent hours watching at my telly over some spoiled reheated pop corn wearing my pajamas over a stormy weather.

Emor has become the drama queen. Told me he is envious of me because I finally have a boyfriend when he has none. He also said that I was more "beautiful" than he is, which I totally disagree coz I never see myself in any way attractive. Love has its way of getting to you. It caught me once again and it feels great. I just hope Emor's would catch him soon.