NEW YEAR, NEW OUTLOOK? NAHH....

Happy New Year!

So we are supposed to start the new year right, huh?! But me, I think might have started it the wrong way. Not that I cursed it or anything but it seems that all my problems and worries kicked in during the start of 2005. let me give a quick background of what these problems were/are.

First, I have got no cell phone. Still busted. I don’t really think it’ll be okay again. I need to buy a new one coz it’s making my life hell. My supervisor cannot text me of what is happening in the office nor can my officemates. Especially now that I am on a not-so-fixed status again. Remember retraining? The thing is, I can’t save up for it from my salary because it ain’t enough. You see, I’m sharing my salary with my three other brothers who are in college. Needless to say, I am their big bro and I give them allowance for school, just as I promised my parents. The result, total disaster on my part coz my money is gone even before my next salary. Right now, I’m gonna be broke soon. Argh!

Second, I keep thinking about Marvin. Did he ever love me? Was everything he said to me the truth? His last message to me got me thinking, a lot. Yes, I sent him a message through Downelink. Apparently he has a second account already and I added that account to my list. I saw the opportunity to message him, again. He approved my invite and like the rest of the guys there I sent out invites to, I said thanks, in a form of a graphic with 3 doors down singing in the background. I also told him I wasn’t expecting he’d approve it and that I miss him so much. Guess what he told me? It goes something like this, “I have moved on so far away from that point in my life and I am happy.” Ouch! A big ouch!

So I have been thinking of totally hating him but I can’t bring myself to do that. Last night after a movie marathon, while puffing my cigarette across the neighbor’s garage and staring at the blank sky I tried to convince myself out of my obsession to him. Obsession. What a strong word. But I guess that is how I feel. I am so obsessed and possessed by him that I can’t get away from what is now the past. Maybe I am just afraid that nobody would love me anymore, or at least make me feel so loved as Marvin did, and time is never on our side. Maybe I am afraid to get old and bitter and loveless. I am not saying that I can’t turn a head or two. But I don’t want these guys. Why can’t be love a lot easier? The guys you don’t like are the ones who like you. I know I won’t settle for less, I can’t. I have too much pride for myself. I know I deserve someone better but I don’t know if he’ll come running back to me anytime soon. Or maybe he’ll never pass my way. It seems God has put walls around me… I hope not.

Third are my frustrations from work. Emphasis on the “s.” You know, the retraining and shit. If you have been reading this blog you’d know what I mean.

*Sigh…

There are many more. But if I write them all then it would take me forever just thinking about the right words to describe how it feels.

I am sorry if there has been nothing in this blog but my worries and shit. As much as I want to write about how beautiful life is and how perfect it is, I can’t. inspiration has gone low and depression is overflowing. And this my friends is my life. This blog is the only channel wherein I can show my venting frustrations and every shit life has out me on. Life sucks! I always say this coz it’s true. Now I don’t want to ruin your new year, so I’m letting this go. For now.

Once again, happy new year!

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I have finally posted something. After days of hiatus... Hayy.. I finally came out of bed and reality bumped me in the head once more. Off to work!