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I am a frustrated artist who finds refuge in bitterness and solitude. Angst is what I speak and love is what I hide. I never want to be seen naked for in nakedness there is truth and truth I am afraid of. Reality never seems to be fair, life in fact is iniquitous.

I like to put up a facade like a masked man in a party. I like to exude and air of mystery and fear. For in fear I earn respect and respect I treasure.

I like to play God once in a while, controlling the people who surround me. I love to twist emotions and bring out the insides.

I have found love but it left me suddenly for reasons until now I do not understand. He pierced right through everything that is me and left a broken arrow in my heart. But I let that happen because I loved him so sincerely. If there was a time I really loved someone, it would be that time. He rocked my world; sadly, he rocked me to my death.

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Disorganized Thoughts

I am at work. I came in this early just to post something. I really miss blogging - visiting other blogs, reading senseless thoughts (*winks) and stuff. I miss the people here.

Anyways, I think I owe all of you a lot of stories. I don't even know where to begin. Hmmm...

Well probably when I get all my thoughts straight and organized that's when I'll tell you guys all about the things that had happened during the time I was away (from the net).

But now I just wanna say I MISS ALL OF YOU!

Cheerio!

Moving On

Hey guys. I am finally moving on to another chapter of my life. View more @ http://mynameisbrew.blogspot.com/.

Thank you for your support.

Brew's Ultimate New Year's Resolution

This is really getting boring and agitating. I am thinking of changing careers but to where? I graduated journalism but I am not confident about my writing skills. I still have a lot of grammar lapses. You’ll notice them if you’ve been reading this blog.

Work is getting more toxic everyday. I don’t get to sleep or eat right anymore. And though the salary is above the usual daytime job, it’s still not enough. This job is not going to sustain the lifestyle that I have.

And Brew’s new year’s resolution: MAGTIPID. Spend less. This has been my resolution for the past few years but guess what? It’s going nowhere. I still can’t save. I can’t even change my old phone into those camera phones I have always wanted. This is so frustrating.
Plans for this year:

- I am planning to apply for a Citibank credit card. I know. This will only get me to spend so much. But still I want it so I am applying for one next month.
- I am planning to apply for phone line in Smart. I tried applying last year for Sun but with the salary I am getting, I am only eligible for plan 300 and I don’t like the phone it’s offering. So I did not puish through with it. But this time, I am getting one myself. Whatever it takes.
- I have 14 available leaves so I am going to apply for a whole week vacation probably around March. By this time I’d probably have 16 available leaves. I’ll probably go home in the province and maybe bring Robbie with me. That is, if we are still together. I do hope we’d still be. I so love him.
- I plan to lessen my spending. My ultimate new year’s resolution. I also plan to try searching other careers. Less stress and more rewarding in terms of salary. My one-year experience in the call center industry must be worth something more, right?

And like they always say, SO HELP ME GOD!

It's Ma Birthday!

First of all, as I like to say it, Meyi Kritmat! I hope you had a blast last Christmas eve coz I sure did not! Got work last Christmas and the f*cking company where I work at required its employees to go to work on their 6th day. The consequence if you don't go to work? You'll get a memo and you'll be kicked out of the company. Now isn't that neat?!

I also finished answering the employee satisfaction survey and hell did I finish it! I am not really sure if something good will happen but at least it's an avenue to release all my frustrations and angst against this company.

Enough of that! It's still Christmas and we're supposed to be happy, right?
So how did y'all spent Christmas? I am usre you had a great time.
And yes, before I forget, I just turned 23 three days ago. My birthday just passed by. I celebrated my birthday with a bang! Hahaha... I did my laundry and cleaned my room. Did a movie marathon till 4 in the morning and slept for a couple of hours then get readied for work. Hayyy...

Well next year I hope everything turns out well this coming year. I really hope so...

A Date At Last!

Robbie did not make it last night after my shift. He could not go out of the house. It really pissed me off to be honest cause I was really hoping we'd spend the night together in my place. I was rude to him over the phone when he broke the news that he could not get out. I dropped the phone line and headed home on a cab. But after the call I was guilty as hell for doing what I did. I almost cried remembering how he cried when he was saying his sorry. One thing I don't want to see/hear from my lover is for him to cry. I could not take that.

I called him up when I was on the cab and said sorry. He was still weeping. I could hear from his voice and slight sobbing that he really did want to go but the circumstance just won't let him. I apologized and said there'd be next time.

So that "next time" was earlier. Just like yesterday I woke up around 8am and readied because I was gonna pick him up near his house and go to Gateway. I told him I wanted to watch a movie. So we went to the last floor where the cinemas were and then found out that "Ang Pagadadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros" was already showing.

The movie was not quite as I was expecting. It's about a 12-year old boy (gay) who fell in love with a cop. It's complicated and it's real life. Made me feel how unfair life is. Oh well, I was with the love of my life and a time spent with him, however it's spent, is the more important thing.
Hayyyyy....

Today's Been Relatively Great!

Woke up early because I was really excited to see Robbie. We had planned to meet at Gateway around 10am earlier so we could watch Emily Rose (Exorcism) at Gateway before my shift at 4pm. So when I woke up I immediately sent him a message but he did not reply. i get readied anyhow and went to Gateway. I was there around 10:30am and still not a word from Robbie. I tried calling his mobile but I could not get through. I figured his phone might have no battery so I waited. I decided to eat first and afterwhich had coffee at Starbucks (which I kept the reciept for TL Nikki), but still, not a single message from Robbie. I finally decided to go to work eventhough it was only 12:30 in the afternoon.

When I got to work I was hoping Robbie would send me a text message but no! He did not! I finally figured he's not showing up and decided to go online instead and checked my Yahoo! and Friendster. There were like a thousand messages from Yahoo!, a couple of months worth of email. You see I haven't checked my email and other websites for almost two months now. Though I post blog but I do it in the office which is totally prohibited that is why I don't get the chance to check my mail when I'm at work.

So earlier, I went to the 21st floor and found myself one vacant computer. Good thing it was free because I have got one helluva screaming mailbox. I also checked my two Friendster account and there were two messages there from two gorgeous guys saying that they found me cute and all. It didn't matter really. I quite contented with Robbie but I did not want to be a prune and not reply them Of course, I was flattered. So I said thanks. One of then even asked for my mobile number which I readily gave. No hidden intentions though.

After deleting all those messages in my inbox, I check my phone in my locker and there were two messages from Robbie. I went downstairs, lit a cigarette and called him. Apparently he just woke up because he slept late last night. After all the sorry's, I asked him to meet me later after work. I told him I'd pick him up later. He said yes so that's definitely a plan. Unless of course he comes up with some bright reason why he couldn't come. I hope not.

Oh well, today's relatively great. The 13th month pay is already deposited in my iBank account and tomorrow my salary will follow. Hahaha! Shopping time! And I promise myself I'd buy sneakers this time. And also a pair of jeans, or maybe a couple. And tee's as well.
24 days before my birthday! I wonder what my plan will be... Hmmm... One thing's for sure do, I'll celebrate it with Robbie --- my one and only. *mushy!!!

Have You Ever

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever wanted something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you? Well, I have. With Robbie it's that way. It's like I have so much love to give and so much nice things to say but when I start to, words are just not enough to express how I truly feel. It's more than "I love you's" and "I miss you's." It's so much more, something intangible, something spiritual.

You know that feeling when you're so full of love that it drives you nuts at night thinking how you can make your relationship better? God, am I experiencing it now! Every night I find it hard to sleep because Robbie would fill my thoughts with his smile, the way he raises his eyebrow, the way he makes face everytime I say something nice about him, the way he stares at me with the most beautiful eyes in the world. How can one sleep, right?

This is maybe too much of a love but like I said before, I am willing to give everything, to take the risk. Before I wonder If I can really give my life to someone, If i'd be willing to die for someone and everytime it would come to that, I always have had second thoughts. But now I know. I can tell everybody that I am willing to die for Robbie, if circumstances demands it, I will because I love him so much.

*sigh

Can't wait for my next dayoff. We plan to go shopping and watch movies (a lot).
Luv lots Robbie. Mwah!

Period.

So I am here again making the most of my life, trying to earn enough money to be able to live each day and feed my brother's mouth at home. Social life is not that important anymore because I have my boyfriend whom I love so much but I always make it to a point I keep my taste in tune with the "now."
Boring life you may think but I enjoy every bit of it. I know... I know... It has it's ups and down but being the madman that I am, believe it or not, I am able to manage. Firends keep me company; a Saturday of beers and stuff keep me in the flow of the world.
I know I am not much of beautiful sight but hey, at least a guy is inlove me. Or so I'd like to think. He's name is Robbie, my very own baby who I plan to keep for the rest of my life, of course, with his permission. I don't wanna go clingy and all. But he says he loves and I believe him. What happened in the past between us is "the past" and I don't care about it anymore. I love him... PERIOD!!!
But you know what? To be honest, I still have second thoughts about love. I know, you might say I should just be happy and all that I have Robbie. I agree. Robbie is more than I can ask for, asset-wise, if you get my drift. What I am saying is about LOVE, period. I have been hurt so bad before that it made me so pragmatic about it. I don't want to be unfair with Robbie. I love him so sincerely and I am giving him the LAST chance. Read that: LAST CHANCE. He is my last dance partner. Afterwhich I am gonna kiss dating goodbye. Another PERIOD for that. ;p

Call It Mushy If You Will But We’re A Month Old

Inlove…

Whew!
I thought I’d never see Robbie again. But thank God I did. I bet you’re all asking what happened. Well after we went to Subic (as per previous post) Robbie did not text nor call me for three f*cking weeks. I tried calling his friend and when he answered he told me that he lost his phone and that he had so many problems he didn’t want me involved with. So I figured that it will take at most a week. The second week came to pass and I still hadn’t heard from him…

But that is all over now. Last Saturday as I was having coffee with Collin, my ex’s “bf” he texted me saying sorry and everything. So I immediately called him and begged him to see me. After a lot of ‘please’s’ and begging, he finally agreed to meet me. So I went over to his place and we talked and got everything settled. He even agreed to stay overnight in my place.

So today, officially, our relationship is a month old and I am very joyful. I love him so much and I am willing to do anything to make him happy. He will be the last guy I will ever love. And I don’t even look at guys the same way (with intentions) as before. Whenever I am I always think about him.

*SighThis is love and I love every second of it.

10.21.2005

It has been ages since I posted something here. Did you miss me guys?
Well, I have. ;p

If it wasn't for a blog link going around the office email, I would have not remembered this blog of mine. I told myself, "Hey, I just remembered, I have a blog!" Stupid huh?!

I think you should visit his blog. Here's the link: www.ihatecofi.blogspot.com
It is a good read though I warn you, reserve a lot of understanding and be as open-minded as you can be. You'll need it if you don't want to end posting nasty comments on the site. Hahaha...

Well a lot has happened. I have been too occupied with work, with moving on from a heartache and with new boyfriend.

Yes! You heard it right. I have a new boyfriend. Name's Robbie. Met him through a friend. Hahaha... 10.21.2005. He's really sweet. He gave two boxes of Ferrero on our first date. We also watched "Corpse Bride" at Gateway. How romantic, right? Hahaha... He's only 18 by the way and still in college.

Two days ago we went to Olonggapo with some friends, one of them being my ex. We went to Subic and some resort (forgot the name but I think it starts with OCEAN...) the following day. Although we had a fight, actually two fights, we are fine now. And I've grwon to love him so much more. I just hope he feels the same way after what happened. Nonetheless I am positive this is it. He is my last dance and after him, I'll forever dance alone. Well, at least I promised myself.

Oh well.

Maw and Shopping

I don't know what to fee anymore. Maw and I are back together but it seems like we ain't. I love Maw, no question about that but lately, after what happened, everything is just so unclear. Sometimes I wanna scream and tell, "what the fuck is wrong?" But I can't. I love him too much to do that.

Now I don't even hear from him anymore. A mere text would have been fine but his silence makes me wonder if he really does me, if what he told me is true, if he even care about me.

I conditioned myself that I'd lose him soon. I try to hide my despair and just get busy with work and coffee - my only refuge. I just hope I get better in time.

*******

Anyways, I am in Gateway now to shop for something to wear later. Rome is having his birtday and he invited me to go to out with his friends. I did not do laundry for the past week so I don't have a choice but to buy me new clothes. Good thing it's pay day.

Maybe shopping will do me good and somehow relieve me of this pain that just won't go away. No matter how I think of other things, my heart still shouts, "Maw." And I don't even know if he feels the same anymore. ;(

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

I am quite relieved that I met up with Maw last night. Though we had some kinda fight but I think I needed that. He wants me back and I so want to say yes. But the truth is, I can't get myself to. He lost my trust and as much as I wanna believe everything that he says, the thought of him and Miguel kissing each other, holding each others hands etc enters my mind and it hurts, badly.

Maybe I am just being paranoid or unfair. I dunno.

So confused right now... Should I stay or should I go? What da ya think?

Don't Go Psychic On Me

Thanks to my friends I am slowly moving on. There's no guarantee though that it'll work but I try to keep myself busy with work and during my days off I go out with my friends. It helps.

Another good thing is I have a new crush. Some Japanese guy I met at some coffee shop a week back. He's nice and cute and he's also heartbroken. Same state as me but mine is more of a winner, or should I say, I am more of the loser. Depends really on how you take it. Me, I take it as neither. Though I can feel that he doesn't like me back, well, it helps to just stare at him and feel those "kilig" moments once again. I am not really hoping we'll be together as in together. The truth is, I haven't moved on yet. And to be honest I am not ready for another realationship.

Yesterday a friend of mine, some psychic, looked at me straight in the eyes and told me to just enjoy life. He said that this is not my time to be inlove yety. Told me that when I get 27 years of age, that's the time I'll find true happiness. I didn't want him to do some psychic stuff on me but he just came out of nowhere. Not that I am really into those things... I'll believe what I wanna believe.

So I am meeting Xander today who has a date by the way at 6pm later. Maybe we'll hang around Bo's Coffee Club. I am also planning to buy me some shirts.

My Brain Floats On That Alcoholic Drink I Drank Last Night

"Shame on you if you fooled me once. Shame on me if you fooled me twice... Life goes on..."

Off to work again. I still feel the same as I did yesterday. That alcoholic beverage did not sink too well in my system. I think I have had too much to drink last night. I need to buy some medicine.

I talked with Maw last night over the phone. Said he'd never leave me. Then what the fuck is he doing??? I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forgive him and stuff. But whenever I remember how he hurt me and he fooled me, that forgiveness just vanishes. It's not like I'd kill him or anything. The truth is, I couldn't bring myself to be get mad at Maw. Maybe I am mad at the situation, at what happened, which is partly my fault anyways.

Now I am confused. I still love Maw but how can I go back when it's all tainted and destroyed. I trusted him. I believed him. But what did I get? A broken heart.

If this is what you get from loving someone so deeply, then maybe love ain't worth my time at all. Maybe, it's just a feeling like being horny at night that you people can easily make do without. I dunno.

Am I making sense at all? It's the alcohol. My brain still floats on that beverage.

*sigh

I Just Wanna Die

"Lately I have had the strangest feeling. With no vivid reason here to find. Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging, round my mind..."

"Well I'm a man of many wishes, hope my premonition misses. What I really feel my eyes won't let me hide. Coz they always start to cry..."

"And this time could mean GOODBYE..."

*sigh

I don't want to cry anymore. But I can't let my eyes stop. I have been out these past few days... Outta my mind. Been frequently drunk after work. Pillows wet in the morning. This is terrible. And all this because of a guy?! F*ck!

I just wish I could disappear for a time, heal myself of this broken heart and find a way to continue life. But reality is on my face reminding me of the past. It haunts like a cold wind behind my back. I feel shivers on my body. I want to run. I want to scream yet I can't. And all I could do is burst into tears and cry and think how pathetic I am right now.

I just wanna die...

I Don't Even Remember How To Be Single

[crying mode]

I guess Karma works really fast. Just a few days back I was happy and contented and taken. Now, I am not sure anymore. I left my previous bf for Maw and it seems like Maw is gonna leave me for another guy. Now, isn't that familiar?

I cry but the pain would not just go away. I cry harder but still my heart wants to explode. I love Maw. I do. Maybe it is my inability to show it that lead him to fall for someone better. Yeah, he is better. No questions asked. And I could never compete with him.

As I now see, they deserve each other more than I deserve Maw. I can imagine them walking hand to hand looking perfect under a moonlit sky. And I will forever be behind their shadows, weeping in agony and bitterness. This time, I'll never get over.

So what's left for me? I dunno. I don't even remember how to be single again.

I'm here at the mall hoping I could buy the phone I wanted next to N6680 but I am still short. That thing that I was hoping to somehow lift me up from this misery was still out of reach.

I should go now. Before I burst into tears. I'll buy me some undies instead. Huhuhuhu... :'(

----------------

Anyways, here something to make you sigh...

Frustraions and My Nokia 6680* (*still hoping)

*sigh

It is our first monthsary and I am not with Maw. He is out there clubbing and I am stuck in this training for another rproduct that will surely blow my mind off. I wish I could be with him, I wish I could celebrate this special day with him. But where am I? Here in the office, almost sleepy and droopy.

Honestly, I do not feel good right now. As much as I want to say I am happy, I am not. The fact that makes it all terrible is that I do not know why. Why I am like this. Why I am sad.

And to make matters worst, I did not get Monday off next week. Instead my days off will be Wednesday and Thursday. What would I do during those days? It is not like Malate will be open. I just hope Maw will be availbale during those times.

Well, it is not that bad actually. Three days from now is the pay day and I hope I can buy that Nokia 6680 I have always wanted to buy.

Makes me all depressed all of a sudden. :'(

Work Again

I am at work again. ;p

Good thing I can use the computer here in this training room to access websites outside the company. This is prohibited, if caught. So I am quite conscious. But hey, as long as I can do it, then why not. Right? Hahaha... I am the ultimate pasaway.

Anyways, the discussion will start any moment. Gotta get my stuff ready. ;p I'll keep you posted. Mwah!

It's gonna be out first month later. I'm excited. Maw's on his way back to Manila. Wahehehe... ;p

And by the way, this picture is VJ Utt's. Feast your eyes. It's his butt.

It's Raining But I am Sweating

The rain was so hard ealier. I was with Rocky and his supposedly "friend" in Starbucks Araneta when the rain started pouring. After the coffee we went inside Gateway and ate at KFC. I did not finish the food since both of them were hurrying up for a movie they were supposed to watch at 7pm. And I did not like the food I ordered. A total mistake. Should have had Jollibee Burger Steak instead. unfortunately, there was no Jollibbee in the mall. Argh! Still craving for one.

When I went out the mall, the rain still pouring, this time, harder. And the cabs were all taken. After about 30 minutes, the rain mellowed down so I took the chance and walked to the jeepney terminal, which by the way was far from the mall. Good thing the rain kinda cooperating.

Now I am in the office, still sweating. Isn't it ironic? It is raining but it's hot!

Another day/night in the office... I hope everything's gonna be okay.

And Maw is heading to Tagaytay tonight at 9. Some office thingy. I am not sure when he'll be back. Maybe Saturday or Sunday. Hmm... I'm gonna miss him. And we fight a lot these past few weeks. And our monthsary is near. *sigh

I wonder how we'll celebrate it. Hmmm...