RAPPORT WITH DEPRESSION

I can not explain it. Many people would have considered suicide but somehow I find rapport with depression. Crying ever single night thinking how ugly and stupid and did I say ugly, I am.

Through the years, I have been downcast in finding happiness. Real happiness. Somehow it makes me question the measure of true mirth. If being happy means having someone you love, love you back, then I totally fail in that department. Reminds me of a phrase from Moulin Rouge. “The greatest thing in this world is to love and be loved in return.”

Of course, I have had a taste of how to love and be loved in return. Though shortlived, my first relationship did made me feel loved. Or I would like to believe so.
But I also believe that happiness does not come from that alone. If that were the case then this world must be full of lonely people, right? I am not discounting the many friends I have. Friends who support and love me for who I am, with all my flaws and inconsistencies. And especially my family. I love them a lot. And they love me.

And somehow, being depressed gives me a sense of continuity, of consistency. I have been like this for so many years that the two and a half month relationship I had with this gorgeous guy broke that pattern.  I don’t know nor I am sure I will stay depressed for long but as of now I really don’t care. I have other things in my mind. First things first, so they say. There are other worlds out there, important things to think about. And that’s looking for work and actually staying long in it. Or maybe long enough to even get the first salary.

My goal has totally been retracked since the break-up. Moving in with BF in a nice comfy apartment isn’t a priority anymore. Besides, before I can actually do that, I first need a job. Of course, SEX won’t be ignored. A dosage of lust, overflowing sweat, some pumping action, grinding and bumping is a necessity to survive being single. Yeah baby!

And life has to go on. Slowly but surely. Easy to say but really tough to achieve. But hey! Everyone has to start somewhere, right?