LOVE and SOMETHING ELSE

“Love is just a pastime one tends to outgrow. Eventually it becomes a bore.”

Got this one from Le Divorce, a movie with Kate Hudson starring it. Well the quote didn’t really came from Kate’s mouth but from another character in the movie

I don’t know if it’s true. It is a very cynical way of looking at love, don’t you think? It puts love into question. Is there really such a thing called love? Or can love really exist?

I used to be as cynical myself. I even used to believe that love is just sugar-coated sex. But from my experience, love is there… somewhere. I love my family, some of my relatives, my friends and some people who don’t really know I love them. I just don’t believe that someone I love (partner-wise) will love me back for long and for good.

Love exists. You can find it anywhere. Love is in the air, the person beside you while you ride the MRT to Ayala, under the sheets of your bed, in chatrooms, emails, websites, bars, that coffee shop you always go to when you are bored, anywhere.

In my experience, you will know it’s love when you can’t stop thinking about him (by “him” I am referring to a possible partner. I’m using that pronoun coz I’m more likely to be with a guy than with a girl), when you start putting photos of him in one of your picture frames in your room under the lampshade near your bed where you can stare at it long before sleeping.

It is when you can’t stop sending him messages to his mobile phone at every hour of the day and still find it not enough that you stay up late just to say “Hi, what are you doing? Can’t sleep. Argh! I love you,” even if he tells you its annoying him. It’s when you can’t wait to meet him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays of the week because those are his day-offs from work. It’s when you smile and take a deep breath while you stare at him sleeping like an angel. It’s when your online journal begins to be flooded with happy moments with him contrary to the usual I-hate-this-world-life’s-a-bitch mode.

It’s when you tell him it’s gonna be okay if he leaves you for another guy as long as he’s happy coz you believe in the saying “If you love a person, set him free. If he comes back, you’ll know he’s yours” when deep inside you’re wishing he won’t. it’s when you change your ways and yourself to satisfy his wants. It’s when you go to his place just to see him and hug him and kiss him even if it’s a hundred miles away from yours. It’s when you can’t keep your hands off him. It’s when you strat to love everything about him.

Love does some crazy shit but that’s the way it goes. And eventually he’ll leave you with the pretense that he needs time for himself and that he can’t love you the way you love him, and because you love too much, you’ll say “Okay. I understand. Have a nice life. Thanks for everything. Have fun.”

THE END.

OPRAH and ME

I was watching Oprah’s Bash Birthday Party aired at Studio 23 earlier.
It was her 50th birthday. Everything was so special. Every single detail was lovely. According to the host, this is to make her feel loved and special and significant which I think she felt. Who wouldn’t? She had Celine Dion serenade her and every big Hollywood stars as her guests. She even had this O-table made for her. And her party was held at Bel-Air.

It makes me think how lucky she is. She has so many people love her, adore her and care about her. Her persona transcends cultural boundaries, social strata and other things which make people divided.

I wanna be like her. Adored, loved. I wish I could make a difference, influence people, make changes for the better and lots of other things.

Watching the show, envying everything about her makes me feel so USELESS. I couldn’t even get myself a job. How can I even promote change with what I am right now.

Argh! This idleness is really taking its toll on me. I can not even believe for myself that I haven’t been out of the house for four days. Grand Theft Auto III, the playstation game which kept me busy for the three days is now over. I have completed all the missions, bombed a flying helicopter and plane, assassinated Mafia members, allied with a Yakuza and rescued a seemingly disgruntled girl from the Columbian gang. And now I don’t have anything else to put my mind into. I was even thinking of buying the next version of that game. My brother said it is available already. Argh!

YESTERDAY, I LOVED

I was surprised to hear my phone’s alarm went on struck 12:01 earlier. I was busy playing Grand Theft Auto III (Playstation 2) when it rang. I quickly turned it off and continued the game.

It was pretty recent since I really enjoyed playing computer games. Somehowmy brothers finally got me. It started with Naruto and then Grand Theft Auto III. And to my astonishment, I found the equipment pretty neat. Thought it was boring and a waste of time before. But it isn’t after all.

I ended the game around 3am when I found a mission too hard to crack. I decided I would continue it tomorrow.

After taking a bath, I checked my phone and then I figured out why its alarm went on at 12:01am earlier. Today is the 26th of the month. Suddenly I felt sad and alone, regretful and stupid. I went out and had a stick and pondered “what ifs.” My eyes began to wet as I remembered those happy times. The way he sleeps, the way his face goes really goofy and cute when he smiles, the smell of his perfume, the way everything seems so perfect when he holds my hand, how almost perfect he is and how I love him so much. They will forever be just a part of my distant past. Something I could never get back. For yesterday I loved.

APATHY ON A FRIGID TWILIGHT OF A SATURDAY

The night is cold. There is indifference in the air. The rain earlier seemed to have awashed the background hushed. The whole village is at rest, except me. There are the constant hushing of fast moving cars outside the village. I can hear them from here, my room. At times, drag races are held in that avenue. Not tonight, I think. The road is slippery and wet from the rain. Too dangerous to race perhaps. But then again, it’s still early. Races usually begin around one in the morning when racers have the avenue for themselves.

It’s Saturday night. I should be out partying and getting drunk. Of course, hooking up with a gorgeous guy after the party is always a bonus. Instead I am here, in my room, on my looney-toon inspired covered bed, trapped in this apathy.

Boredom keeps me company during sleepless nights. Nights like this. This is my problem. I couldn’t stay idle for just one second. My system longs for action, for work, anything to keep me busy. I just could not pinpoint the hub of this dissatisfaction, of this boredom. Somehow I miss being in college again when overnights for reports, projects and papers are as often as blinking an eye. I miss those times. Especially tonight.

If I had work I wouldn’t be like this. Probably. Especially if I work on graveyard shoft. By then my insomnia would be finally out into good use.

Ouch! Mosquitoes are feasting on me. Got to dispose all my laundry tomorrow. My room is a mess. And this bedsheet. Gotta replace it with a new one. Maybe that Garfield printed one will be nice.

Garfield! My favorite cartoon character ever. Used to draw his face on every notebook, sheets of paper, anywhere back in high school. I saw this huge Garfield stuff toy earlier at a mall. It’s being raffled off for the showing of that Garfield movie. I have to get it.

Oh well. So much for this journal. I will take a smoke and maybe sleep after. I hope…

RAPPORT WITH DEPRESSION

I can not explain it. Many people would have considered suicide but somehow I find rapport with depression. Crying ever single night thinking how ugly and stupid and did I say ugly, I am.

Through the years, I have been downcast in finding happiness. Real happiness. Somehow it makes me question the measure of true mirth. If being happy means having someone you love, love you back, then I totally fail in that department. Reminds me of a phrase from Moulin Rouge. “The greatest thing in this world is to love and be loved in return.”

Of course, I have had a taste of how to love and be loved in return. Though shortlived, my first relationship did made me feel loved. Or I would like to believe so.
But I also believe that happiness does not come from that alone. If that were the case then this world must be full of lonely people, right? I am not discounting the many friends I have. Friends who support and love me for who I am, with all my flaws and inconsistencies. And especially my family. I love them a lot. And they love me.

And somehow, being depressed gives me a sense of continuity, of consistency. I have been like this for so many years that the two and a half month relationship I had with this gorgeous guy broke that pattern.  I don’t know nor I am sure I will stay depressed for long but as of now I really don’t care. I have other things in my mind. First things first, so they say. There are other worlds out there, important things to think about. And that’s looking for work and actually staying long in it. Or maybe long enough to even get the first salary.

My goal has totally been retracked since the break-up. Moving in with BF in a nice comfy apartment isn’t a priority anymore. Besides, before I can actually do that, I first need a job. Of course, SEX won’t be ignored. A dosage of lust, overflowing sweat, some pumping action, grinding and bumping is a necessity to survive being single. Yeah baby!

And life has to go on. Slowly but surely. Easy to say but really tough to achieve. But hey! Everyone has to start somewhere, right?

Abysmally Forlorn

I am abysmally forlorn. These past few days has been nothing but depressing.

Work seems like impossible to find and I just lost the only relationship I have. And I am to blamed for both. 
 
Maybe it is true. I am better off alone. I mean it worked for me for the past 21 years, didn't it? Why would it fail me now? Right? 
 
Crying has been my game and Rejection my name for so long. I somehow missed that. And now I have every reason to be again. I am back to being an angst-ridden-world-hater bitch I was before. 
 
What was I thinking? I couldn't have believed it would last forever. I let love get me and now I have to pay the prize. 
 
And now I fortify myself because I was dumb and stupid and pathetic. I learned my lesson. Love ain't for me. Definitely not for me. 
 
I am putting up this facade that I am okay and that I am swiftly moving on when in fact I am trapped in this dimension of sour-graping and bitterness. Only time will tell if I am gonna stay here or not. But as of now I am gonna find ways to enjoy torturing myself while I am here. It's what I do best anyway. I am a masochist, am i not? I take pleasure from pain. Somehow I believe that.