My Laundry And Marvin

12:45 PM

The laundry's spinning. I have about 15 minutes before I go down again and drain the machine. I am here in my refuge. My bed.

A lot of people arrived today. My ever-so-negative-on-me grandmother, my equally-negative-on-me uncle, my cousins which I barely see anymore, and my Tita whom alledgedy had a secret marriage with her boyfriend. Turned out it wasn't really a secret. My grandmother told me she was married in front of a judge. I dunno thought if there is going to be a church wedding.

I am not excited. Oh no. Never. For the last four years or more I have seen how they treat us, our family. Me. My mother once told me not to hate them instead take it as some sort of a challenge. And I do. Someday I will prove to them I can make it. And graduating on time was the first step.

I am happy to see one cousin though. Catherine. My ever so twisted and confidant friend. We get along most of the time. Except that she loves to watch Tagalog films while I don't. Well I do occasionally given the good reviews and all. She called up yesterday and asked me to watch All my Life with her. I said, Duh! Never! But nevertheless, I love her. Amidst her young age, she's very mature and open-minded. If there's one person in the clan* who knows me, really, it would be her.

My 15 minutes is over. Better check my laundry.

2:08PM

Just finished laundry. Bought a bottle of Coke and made myself a peanut butter sandwich.

I remember Marvin. He seldom texts me anymore. He never calls like he used too. Well, his bill is going really up and I understand he's busy with work and all. And everytime he goes home he would sleep the whole day to rest. Then off to work come night time.

Maybe I am over reacting. Hayyy... I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe he's falling out of love from me. Maybe he has found somebody good to be with. Maybe he's thinking of a good way to break up. He shouldn't put much effort on thinking. He could just tell it to me straight, honest. I will understand. Rejection is my game anyway. Why would it be so different now?

Now I am officially PARANOID. I just hope he texts me soon. I know I love him. But if he breaks up with me, I ain't sure I'll be going into any relationships anymore. He is my first boyfriend and he will be the last. Whatever happens. Okay, I guess that's so final. But just in case...


*clan - includes immediate family and the extended family.

Familiar Feeling

11:44pm
01 June 2004

Outside the sky is starless. Cold breeze touches my face once in a while. Droplets of rain fall from the heavens. Everything is deafeningly silent. Every creature must be in deep sleep except for me. The night just doesn’t seem right.

Staring out in the darkness brings out familiar a familiar feeling. The one I always get before Marvin came into my life. Depression.

The phone is ringing. Better get this one.



12:08 am
June 02, 2004

It was Raymond. Told me he is adding me as one of his friends at Pinoyster.com.

I am in my room now. Lying on my bed. I haven’t changed the cover yet. It is still the one when Marvin was here. I miss him. I miss him so much.

Invisible War is playing in the background. The tone’s mellow, almost sad. It has been a habit to turn on FM before going to sleep. Wave 89.1 and Jam 88.3.

On my home earlier after meeting Joan and overhauled her resume, I felt a sudden rush of depression. I remembered Marvin and how I love him so much. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I still do up to now actually. There’s just a lot he wants me to change. He says that I should gain weight, I should get my teeth repaired, I should dye my hair back to black, etc. Although I know it is for the better. And I believe he means well. But I feel like because he wants change, he’s not satisfied with what or who I am now. Though he says, he does. Like I said, it seems he deserves someone more special, more near-perfect, as gorgeous as he is, and so many other things. And that was where the depression came from.

The sound of the falling droplets of rain against the roof, the playing music in the background, the starless sky sets up the mood to become the Drama Queen once again.

I just don’t feel good about myself. I don’t feel cute and deserved. This borders on the superficial I know, but isn’t that a big factor? You don’t want to be seen with an ugly, big gorilla, right?

The phone again. I am getting this.


10:38am
June 02, 2004
(Lying on my bed after drinking coffee)
(Mood: Still depressed. Marvin Just send me a message. Said he’s watching Harry Potter. He’s watching it alone as a payback for watching Shrek with my friends)

Slept right after the call earlier. It was Rvhie. He asked a lot of questions regarding being gay. I could tell from his voice he was effeminate. He said he feels so late, so ostracized, among other things. A newbie*. I just psycho-babbled him and ended the conversation. He thinks I am his mentor. Really weird. I couldn’t even get my own actions right.

It’s easier right? Telling people what to do, giving advices like you’re God, and then feeling good about yourself, when you can’t even follow your own advice.

Woke up crying today. I ain’t sure what my dream was that made me cry or if I actually had a dream. Maybe it’s the electric fan. Whatever the reason is, I still feel depressed.


Newbie – a gay person who just came out of the closet.