Brew Over Cigar

Disorganized Thoughts

2007-01-27T07:52:00.000+01:00

I am at work. I came in this early just to post something. I really miss blogging - visiting other blogs, reading senseless thoughts (*winks) and stuff. I miss the people here.

Anyways, I think I owe all of you a lot of stories. I don't even know where to begin. Hmmm...

Well probably when I get all my thoughts straight and organized that's when I'll tell you guys all about the things that had happened during the time I was away (from the net).

But now I just wanna say I MISS ALL OF YOU!

Cheerio!

Moving On

2006-02-23T21:24:00.000+01:00

Hey guys. I am finally moving on to another chapter of my life. View more @ http://mynameisbrew.blogspot.com/.

Thank you for your support.

Brew's Ultimate New Year's Resolution

2006-01-04T16:22:00.000+01:00

This is really getting boring and agitating. I am thinking of changing careers but to where? I graduated journalism but I am not confident about my writing skills. I still have a lot of grammar lapses. You’ll notice them if you’ve been reading this blog.

Work is getting more toxic everyday. I don’t get to sleep or eat right anymore. And though the salary is above the usual daytime job, it’s still not enough. This job is not going to sustain the lifestyle that I have.

And Brew’s new year’s resolution: MAGTIPID. Spend less. This has been my resolution for the past few years but guess what? It’s going nowhere. I still can’t save. I can’t even change my old phone into those camera phones I have always wanted. This is so frustrating.
Plans for this year:

- I am planning to apply for a Citibank credit card. I know. This will only get me to spend so much. But still I want it so I am applying for one next month.
- I am planning to apply for phone line in Smart. I tried applying last year for Sun but with the salary I am getting, I am only eligible for plan 300 and I don’t like the phone it’s offering. So I did not puish through with it. But this time, I am getting one myself. Whatever it takes.
- I have 14 available leaves so I am going to apply for a whole week vacation probably around March. By this time I’d probably have 16 available leaves. I’ll probably go home in the province and maybe bring Robbie with me. That is, if we are still together. I do hope we’d still be. I so love him.
- I plan to lessen my spending. My ultimate new year’s resolution. I also plan to try searching other careers. Less stress and more rewarding in terms of salary. My one-year experience in the call center industry must be worth something more, right?

And like they always say, SO HELP ME GOD!

It's Ma Birthday!

2005-12-26T18:38:00.000+01:00

First of all, as I like to say it, Meyi Kritmat! I hope you had a blast last Christmas eve coz I sure did not! Got work last Christmas and the f*cking company where I work at required its employees to go to work on their 6th day. The consequence if you don't go to work? You'll get a memo and you'll be kicked out of the company. Now isn't that neat?!

I also finished answering the employee satisfaction survey and hell did I finish it! I am not really sure if something good will happen but at least it's an avenue to release all my frustrations and angst against this company.

Enough of that! It's still Christmas and we're supposed to be happy, right?
So how did y'all spent Christmas? I am usre you had a great time.
And yes, before I forget, I just turned 23 three days ago. My birthday just passed by. I celebrated my birthday with a bang! Hahaha... I did my laundry and cleaned my room. Did a movie marathon till 4 in the morning and slept for a couple of hours then get readied for work. Hayyy...

Well next year I hope everything turns out well this coming year. I really hope so...

A Date At Last!

2005-11-30T17:01:00.000+01:00

Robbie did not make it last night after my shift. He could not go out of the house. It really pissed me off to be honest cause I was really hoping we'd spend the night together in my place. I was rude to him over the phone when he broke the news that he could not get out. I dropped the phone line and headed home on a cab. But after the call I was guilty as hell for doing what I did. I almost cried remembering how he cried when he was saying his sorry. One thing I don't want to see/hear from my lover is for him to cry. I could not take that.

I called him up when I was on the cab and said sorry. He was still weeping. I could hear from his voice and slight sobbing that he really did want to go but the circumstance just won't let him. I apologized and said there'd be next time.

So that "next time" was earlier. Just like yesterday I woke up around 8am and readied because I was gonna pick him up near his house and go to Gateway. I told him I wanted to watch a movie. So we went to the last floor where the cinemas were and then found out that "Ang Pagadadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros" was already showing.

The movie was not quite as I was expecting. It's about a 12-year old boy (gay) who fell in love with a cop. It's complicated and it's real life. Made me feel how unfair life is. Oh well, I was with the love of my life and a time spent with him, however it's spent, is the more important thing.
Hayyyyy....

Today's Been Relatively Great!

2005-11-29T16:58:00.000+01:00

Woke up early because I was really excited to see Robbie. We had planned to meet at Gateway around 10am earlier so we could watch Emily Rose (Exorcism) at Gateway before my shift at 4pm. So when I woke up I immediately sent him a message but he did not reply. i get readied anyhow and went to Gateway. I was there around 10:30am and still not a word from Robbie. I tried calling his mobile but I could not get through. I figured his phone might have no battery so I waited. I decided to eat first and afterwhich had coffee at Starbucks (which I kept the reciept for TL Nikki), but still, not a single message from Robbie. I finally decided to go to work eventhough it was only 12:30 in the afternoon.

When I got to work I was hoping Robbie would send me a text message but no! He did not! I finally figured he's not showing up and decided to go online instead and checked my Yahoo! and Friendster. There were like a thousand messages from Yahoo!, a couple of months worth of email. You see I haven't checked my email and other websites for almost two months now. Though I post blog but I do it in the office which is totally prohibited that is why I don't get the chance to check my mail when I'm at work.

So earlier, I went to the 21st floor and found myself one vacant computer. Good thing it was free because I have got one helluva screaming mailbox. I also checked my two Friendster account and there were two messages there from two gorgeous guys saying that they found me cute and all. It didn't matter really. I quite contented with Robbie but I did not want to be a prune and not reply them Of course, I was flattered. So I said thanks. One of then even asked for my mobile number which I readily gave. No hidden intentions though.

After deleting all those messages in my inbox, I check my phone in my locker and there were two messages from Robbie. I went downstairs, lit a cigarette and called him. Apparently he just woke up because he slept late last night. After all the sorry's, I asked him to meet me later after work. I told him I'd pick him up later. He said yes so that's definitely a plan. Unless of course he comes up with some bright reason why he couldn't come. I hope not.

Oh well, today's relatively great. The 13th month pay is already deposited in my iBank account and tomorrow my salary will follow. Hahaha! Shopping time! And I promise myself I'd buy sneakers this time. And also a pair of jeans, or maybe a couple. And tee's as well.
24 days before my birthday! I wonder what my plan will be... Hmmm... One thing's for sure do, I'll celebrate it with Robbie --- my one and only. *mushy!!!

Have You Ever

2005-11-28T17:22:00.000+01:00

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever wanted something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Have you ever?

Have you? Well, I have. With Robbie it's that way. It's like I have so much love to give and so much nice things to say but when I start to, words are just not enough to express how I truly feel. It's more than "I love you's" and "I miss you's." It's so much more, something intangible, something spiritual.

You know that feeling when you're so full of love that it drives you nuts at night thinking how you can make your relationship better? God, am I experiencing it now! Every night I find it hard to sleep because Robbie would fill my thoughts with his smile, the way he raises his eyebrow, the way he makes face everytime I say something nice about him, the way he stares at me with the most beautiful eyes in the world. How can one sleep, right?

This is maybe too much of a love but like I said before, I am willing to give everything, to take the risk. Before I wonder If I can really give my life to someone, If i'd be willing to die for someone and everytime it would come to that, I always have had second thoughts. But now I know. I can tell everybody that I am willing to die for Robbie, if circumstances demands it, I will because I love him so much.

*sigh

Can't wait for my next dayoff. We plan to go shopping and watch movies (a lot).
Luv lots Robbie. Mwah!

Period.

2005-11-24T22:28:00.000+01:00

So I am here again making the most of my life, trying to earn enough money to be able to live each day and feed my brother's mouth at home. Social life is not that important anymore because I have my boyfriend whom I love so much but I always make it to a point I keep my taste in tune with the "now."
Boring life you may think but I enjoy every bit of it. I know... I know... It has it's ups and down but being the madman that I am, believe it or not, I am able to manage. Firends keep me company; a Saturday of beers and stuff keep me in the flow of the world.
I know I am not much of beautiful sight but hey, at least a guy is inlove me. Or so I'd like to think. He's name is Robbie, my very own baby who I plan to keep for the rest of my life, of course, with his permission. I don't wanna go clingy and all. But he says he loves and I believe him. What happened in the past between us is "the past" and I don't care about it anymore. I love him... PERIOD!!!
But you know what? To be honest, I still have second thoughts about love. I know, you might say I should just be happy and all that I have Robbie. I agree. Robbie is more than I can ask for, asset-wise, if you get my drift. What I am saying is about LOVE, period. I have been hurt so bad before that it made me so pragmatic about it. I don't want to be unfair with Robbie. I love him so sincerely and I am giving him the LAST chance. Read that: LAST CHANCE. He is my last dance partner. Afterwhich I am gonna kiss dating goodbye. Another PERIOD for that. ;p

Call It Mushy If You Will But We’re A Month Old

2005-11-21T16:20:00.000+01:00

Inlove…

Whew!
I thought I’d never see Robbie again. But thank God I did. I bet you’re all asking what happened. Well after we went to Subic (as per previous post) Robbie did not text nor call me for three f*cking weeks. I tried calling his friend and when he answered he told me that he lost his phone and that he had so many problems he didn’t want me involved with. So I figured that it will take at most a week. The second week came to pass and I still hadn’t heard from him…

But that is all over now. Last Saturday as I was having coffee with Collin, my ex’s “bf” he texted me saying sorry and everything. So I immediately called him and begged him to see me. After a lot of ‘please’s’ and begging, he finally agreed to meet me. So I went over to his place and we talked and got everything settled. He even agreed to stay overnight in my place.

So today, officially, our relationship is a month old and I am very joyful. I love him so much and I am willing to do anything to make him happy. He will be the last guy I will ever love. And I don’t even look at guys the same way (with intentions) as before. Whenever I am I always think about him.

*SighThis is love and I love every second of it.

10.21.2005

2005-10-31T18:01:00.000+01:00

It has been ages since I posted something here. Did you miss me guys?
Well, I have. ;p

If it wasn't for a blog link going around the office email, I would have not remembered this blog of mine. I told myself, "Hey, I just remembered, I have a blog!" Stupid huh?!

I think you should visit his blog. Here's the link: www.ihatecofi.blogspot.com
It is a good read though I warn you, reserve a lot of understanding and be as open-minded as you can be. You'll need it if you don't want to end posting nasty comments on the site. Hahaha...

Well a lot has happened. I have been too occupied with work, with moving on from a heartache and with new boyfriend.

Yes! You heard it right. I have a new boyfriend. Name's Robbie. Met him through a friend. Hahaha... 10.21.2005. He's really sweet. He gave two boxes of Ferrero on our first date. We also watched "Corpse Bride" at Gateway. How romantic, right? Hahaha... He's only 18 by the way and still in college.

Two days ago we went to Olonggapo with some friends, one of them being my ex. We went to Subic and some resort (forgot the name but I think it starts with OCEAN...) the following day. Although we had a fight, actually two fights, we are fine now. And I've grwon to love him so much more. I just hope he feels the same way after what happened. Nonetheless I am positive this is it. He is my last dance and after him, I'll forever dance alone. Well, at least I promised myself.

Oh well.

Maw and Shopping

2005-10-01T12:05:00.000+02:00

I don't know what to fee anymore. Maw and I are back together but it seems like we ain't. I love Maw, no question about that but lately, after what happened, everything is just so unclear. Sometimes I wanna scream and tell, "what the fuck is wrong?" But I can't. I love him too much to do that.

Now I don't even hear from him anymore. A mere text would have been fine but his silence makes me wonder if he really does me, if what he told me is true, if he even care about me.

I conditioned myself that I'd lose him soon. I try to hide my despair and just get busy with work and coffee - my only refuge. I just hope I get better in time.

*******

Anyways, I am in Gateway now to shop for something to wear later. Rome is having his birtday and he invited me to go to out with his friends. I did not do laundry for the past week so I don't have a choice but to buy me new clothes. Good thing it's pay day.

Maybe shopping will do me good and somehow relieve me of this pain that just won't go away. No matter how I think of other things, my heart still shouts, "Maw." And I don't even know if he feels the same anymore. ;(

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

2005-09-16T06:37:00.000+02:00

I am quite relieved that I met up with Maw last night. Though we had some kinda fight but I think I needed that. He wants me back and I so want to say yes. But the truth is, I can't get myself to. He lost my trust and as much as I wanna believe everything that he says, the thought of him and Miguel kissing each other, holding each others hands etc enters my mind and it hurts, badly.

Maybe I am just being paranoid or unfair. I dunno.

So confused right now... Should I stay or should I go? What da ya think?

Don't Go Psychic On Me

2005-09-09T15:43:00.000+02:00

Thanks to my friends I am slowly moving on. There's no guarantee though that it'll work but I try to keep myself busy with work and during my days off I go out with my friends. It helps.

Another good thing is I have a new crush. Some Japanese guy I met at some coffee shop a week back. He's nice and cute and he's also heartbroken. Same state as me but mine is more of a winner, or should I say, I am more of the loser. Depends really on how you take it. Me, I take it as neither. Though I can feel that he doesn't like me back, well, it helps to just stare at him and feel those "kilig" moments once again. I am not really hoping we'll be together as in together. The truth is, I haven't moved on yet. And to be honest I am not ready for another realationship.

Yesterday a friend of mine, some psychic, looked at me straight in the eyes and told me to just enjoy life. He said that this is not my time to be inlove yety. Told me that when I get 27 years of age, that's the time I'll find true happiness. I didn't want him to do some psychic stuff on me but he just came out of nowhere. Not that I am really into those things... I'll believe what I wanna believe.

So I am meeting Xander today who has a date by the way at 6pm later. Maybe we'll hang around Bo's Coffee Club. I am also planning to buy me some shirts.

My Brain Floats On That Alcoholic Drink I Drank Last Night

2005-09-06T00:31:00.000+02:00

"Shame on you if you fooled me once. Shame on me if you fooled me twice... Life goes on..."

Off to work again. I still feel the same as I did yesterday. That alcoholic beverage did not sink too well in my system. I think I have had too much to drink last night. I need to buy some medicine.

I talked with Maw last night over the phone. Said he'd never leave me. Then what the fuck is he doing??? I wanted to believe him. I wanted to forgive him and stuff. But whenever I remember how he hurt me and he fooled me, that forgiveness just vanishes. It's not like I'd kill him or anything. The truth is, I couldn't bring myself to be get mad at Maw. Maybe I am mad at the situation, at what happened, which is partly my fault anyways.

Now I am confused. I still love Maw but how can I go back when it's all tainted and destroyed. I trusted him. I believed him. But what did I get? A broken heart.

If this is what you get from loving someone so deeply, then maybe love ain't worth my time at all. Maybe, it's just a feeling like being horny at night that you people can easily make do without. I dunno.

Am I making sense at all? It's the alcohol. My brain still floats on that beverage.

*sigh

I Just Wanna Die

2005-09-05T11:32:00.000+02:00

"Lately I have had the strangest feeling. With no vivid reason here to find. Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging, round my mind..."

"Well I'm a man of many wishes, hope my premonition misses. What I really feel my eyes won't let me hide. Coz they always start to cry..."

"And this time could mean GOODBYE..."

*sigh

I don't want to cry anymore. But I can't let my eyes stop. I have been out these past few days... Outta my mind. Been frequently drunk after work. Pillows wet in the morning. This is terrible. And all this because of a guy?! F*ck!

I just wish I could disappear for a time, heal myself of this broken heart and find a way to continue life. But reality is on my face reminding me of the past. It haunts like a cold wind behind my back. I feel shivers on my body. I want to run. I want to scream yet I can't. And all I could do is burst into tears and cry and think how pathetic I am right now.

I just wanna die...

I Don't Even Remember How To Be Single

2005-09-02T13:18:00.000+02:00

[crying mode]

I guess Karma works really fast. Just a few days back I was happy and contented and taken. Now, I am not sure anymore. I left my previous bf for Maw and it seems like Maw is gonna leave me for another guy. Now, isn't that familiar?

I cry but the pain would not just go away. I cry harder but still my heart wants to explode. I love Maw. I do. Maybe it is my inability to show it that lead him to fall for someone better. Yeah, he is better. No questions asked. And I could never compete with him.

As I now see, they deserve each other more than I deserve Maw. I can imagine them walking hand to hand looking perfect under a moonlit sky. And I will forever be behind their shadows, weeping in agony and bitterness. This time, I'll never get over.

So what's left for me? I dunno. I don't even remember how to be single again.

I'm here at the mall hoping I could buy the phone I wanted next to N6680 but I am still short. That thing that I was hoping to somehow lift me up from this misery was still out of reach.

I should go now. Before I burst into tears. I'll buy me some undies instead. Huhuhuhu... :'(

----------------

Anyways, here something to make you sigh...

Frustraions and My Nokia 6680* (*still hoping)

2005-08-27T02:42:00.000+02:00

*sigh

It is our first monthsary and I am not with Maw. He is out there clubbing and I am stuck in this training for another rproduct that will surely blow my mind off. I wish I could be with him, I wish I could celebrate this special day with him. But where am I? Here in the office, almost sleepy and droopy.

Honestly, I do not feel good right now. As much as I want to say I am happy, I am not. The fact that makes it all terrible is that I do not know why. Why I am like this. Why I am sad.

And to make matters worst, I did not get Monday off next week. Instead my days off will be Wednesday and Thursday. What would I do during those days? It is not like Malate will be open. I just hope Maw will be availbale during those times.

Well, it is not that bad actually. Three days from now is the pay day and I hope I can buy that Nokia 6680 I have always wanted to buy.

Makes me all depressed all of a sudden. :'(

Work Again

2005-08-26T21:14:00.000+02:00

I am at work again. ;p

Good thing I can use the computer here in this training room to access websites outside the company. This is prohibited, if caught. So I am quite conscious. But hey, as long as I can do it, then why not. Right? Hahaha... I am the ultimate pasaway.

Anyways, the discussion will start any moment. Gotta get my stuff ready. ;p I'll keep you posted. Mwah!

It's gonna be out first month later. I'm excited. Maw's on his way back to Manila. Wahehehe... ;p

And by the way, this picture is VJ Utt's. Feast your eyes. It's his butt.

It's Raining But I am Sweating

2005-08-25T20:19:00.000+02:00

The rain was so hard ealier. I was with Rocky and his supposedly "friend" in Starbucks Araneta when the rain started pouring. After the coffee we went inside Gateway and ate at KFC. I did not finish the food since both of them were hurrying up for a movie they were supposed to watch at 7pm. And I did not like the food I ordered. A total mistake. Should have had Jollibee Burger Steak instead. unfortunately, there was no Jollibbee in the mall. Argh! Still craving for one.

When I went out the mall, the rain still pouring, this time, harder. And the cabs were all taken. After about 30 minutes, the rain mellowed down so I took the chance and walked to the jeepney terminal, which by the way was far from the mall. Good thing the rain kinda cooperating.

Now I am in the office, still sweating. Isn't it ironic? It is raining but it's hot!

Another day/night in the office... I hope everything's gonna be okay.

And Maw is heading to Tagaytay tonight at 9. Some office thingy. I am not sure when he'll be back. Maybe Saturday or Sunday. Hmm... I'm gonna miss him. And we fight a lot these past few weeks. And our monthsary is near. *sigh

I wonder how we'll celebrate it. Hmmm...

Jollibee Meal # 13

2005-08-24T20:29:00.000+02:00

Just wanna say thanks to all my friends who support me. Yes, Me and Maw are okay now. We talked yesterday about what happened and somehow, unknowingly, everything's fine again. All it took was a single smile... and then a lot of smile followed and now we're fine.

Earlier I stopped by his office before work and brought him my fave (as of the moment) burger steak from Jollibee. I have been going gaga over the food for weeks now. Hmmm... Maybe I am pregnant... Hahahaha... Impossible!

Anyway's gotta get ready for work. I still have 30mins. Maybe I'll eat something... Gosh, I'm again craving for that burger steak...

*watery mouth

Brew in a Sad Mood

2005-08-23T14:18:00.000+02:00

A big *sigh....

I had a fight with Maw last night. My bad... All mine. And now he's breaking up with me (I think but still hoping I'm wrong).

*sigh

Now Brewing

2005-08-14T20:19:00.000+02:00

This photo was taken one rainy night at while me and Maw were eating at Tapa King inside the new Convergys building along Commonwealth Avenue. I was eating longanisa then. Hahahaha... The real one!

Salary Day

2005-08-11T15:40:00.000+02:00

God!

Can’t wait for the next payday. I am not really sure if it’s gonna be exactly on the 15th which is Monday or this Friday. Around the office, the news is out that it’s gonna be this Friday. Now, I don’t wanna get my hopes that high, do I? So I’m leaving room for disappointment. Haha…

I am gonna be receiving relatively a lot this payday and I am planning to go on a shopping spree. Gonna buy new sneakers, formal clothes, shirts and stuff. I am just so excited. Then when I get my official ID from work I’m gonna get me one of those credit cards and buy me a new phone. Hahaha… I guess I hadn’t got enough sleep coz I’m still dreaming right now.

Hmmm… come to think about it. I hadn’t have any dreams lately. Well, none that I remember. Or maybe I just forgot. I wonder…
Oh well, gotta get to work. Though there ain’t work yet. Nobody’s calling yet. Those Americans must still be asleep. It’s still midnight there. I’m sure most of them are snoring. Wahehehe…

QUEER METRO - RESPECT YA'LL

2005-08-10T15:34:00.000+02:00

Cairo's making a new clan which will be named Queer Metropolitan (QM). This is a bi-male, sun cellular group. There is only one rule, as far as I know, that is being enforced by Cairo. And that is RESPECT. Makes sense, don't you think?

Talk about respect. Come to think about it. As one of my friends would say it, gays or PLU's are twice mariginalized. We are marginalized by straight people and, sad to say, by our fellow PLU's. Not that I am excluding myself from among the gulity, in fact, I am, sometimes, one of those who discrimate. No matter what I say here or how I say it, I will be guilty of this sin.

As we all know, there are several types of gay in our society. There are those who feels comfortable wearing girls dress and shoes and make up. These is what I would like to call, the more daring ones. There are also those who prefer to be discreet. Some people would call them silahis or "those still inside the closet." And there are those who swings along those types. Too many to mention, as they say.

So I guess the it all boils down to RESPECTing each other. It's not like we are that different from each other. Come to think about it, we all look for the same thing - Boys, straight or otherwise. And this is the main reason why I joined the group. It is not only because Cairo invited me. It is mostly because, I look for the same thing, I want to achieve the same thing, and I want us to respect each other. Maybe one day, we will earn RESPECT from the rest if we all start to respect each other, and ourselves of course.

COMING OUT FROM A LONG HIATUS

2005-08-09T18:15:00.000+02:00

Wow!

Did anybody miss me?

I know what you are thinking. “Where the hell is Brew?” I am sorry for the long hiatus. I have been busy with job-hunting, with the clan (c4m, which by the way is no longer active and I have already quit), and boys. So, let’s start with the job. Fortunately I have been “re-called” by eTelecare Global Solutions but I was/am assigned to a different program. This one’s relatively easier that my previous. So I have been with the company again for a month now. Yes! I am once again a yuppie! I liked the sound of that. The free ice tea’s gone though. It has been replaced by pomelo juice (though, some csa’s like to call it pink lemonade. Haha..) Coffee’s still free though. All in all thing’s really did not change that much for the almost four months I’ve been out, or rather, kicked out from the company.

Then there’s c4m (Cubicla for Men), the clan which I was a member of before I finally quit a couple of weeks back. The reason? Maybe I’ll discuss that later. Just maybe. So the clan held so many meetings and gathering that I was out the house almost everyday. I usually spent the night either at Rocky’s of some other else’s place to get drunk and if I was lukcy, have sex or at at least a flingmate. I loved the clan. I met so many cute and funny people and also met a lot of friends. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. But there are four people in the clam whom I got really close with, until now. They are Xander, Dion, Rocky and Aldrin. We call ourselves c5m and then later CINCO. We even got accused of sub-clanning which alledgedly resulted to the clan’s demise. But we were/are more than a group. We are friends. Close friends. But when I got busy with work I had to spend less and less time with them though I try to make it to a point to see them at least once a week.

Then there’s boys. Every gay’s favorite topic. Haha. I had a boyfriend from the clan. His code’s Flingxxx. He’s a real charmer. He’s tall, dark and cute. Plus he’s so nice and loving. Every moment with him was bliss. He also gay though discreet. And the thing I liked most about him is that, he loves me, so much so as to let me go when I wanted to be free again. I know it hurt him like hell and I will forever be guilty. During the course of our relationship, I met Ryan – atypical Atenean guy. I feel in love with him so quick. That is the main reason why I had to leave Flingxxx. I know I love him but he just ain’t for me. I know I will only hurt him if I stayed. Going away was the best option, for both of us. Call me selfish but that is how I am.

As of the moment, I am happy and contented with Ryan. We are compatible both inside and outside the bed. Do you get my drift? He’s nice and caring though he’s not as sweet as I would want him to be. But I love him. I do.

I won’t promise I will update this blog as often as I used to but I will try my best to post at least one article (if you can call this one as such) a week at least.

Ta-ta for now.

I am actually in the office waiting for someone to call. Gosh, I am so sleepy. Bye.

P.S. Ryan’s gonna pick me up later after work. (12am MNL)

Just Another Day

2005-06-02T20:28:00.000+02:00

So I met up with a guy named Carlson yesterday at SM North Edsa. This was after I got my haircut. I know, I promised myself I'd never meet someone again but hey, I was fucking bored and it was just a friendly thing. I was having coffee when he arrived with his friend. He was wearing a pink shirt and he's cute, might I add. He invited me to lunch but I declined. So he and his friend went inside the mall and I was left at Coffee Experience sipping my latte mocha.

When he came back, he was with guess who, my ex Zeus. That guy who denied me to his friends. And maybe it was just mere coincidence but he was also wearing a pink shirt. There were no more seats available in my table so they decided to sit somewhere else. Then Carlosn went up to me and asked me to stay with them. I declined. Zeus was there and I couldn't face him after what he did to me. It was painful and the pain was there again yesterday. He finally gave up and I was alone again. I ordered a glass of iced tea. Then behind me came Zeus asking me the same thing as Carlson asked me before - if I wanted to sit with them. Same thing. I declined. But that moment, how I wished he would sit beside me, talk to me and begged for me to come back. Guess I was just daydreaming for he left after all. I decided to leave when I finished my drink. Went straight home.

Today I was fucking bored. Did not do anything but stayed in my room and texted a lot of people. I tried to play Grand Theft Auto but the fucking cd won't work. I lost my patience and I quit. Watched Full House also. Not that I am already a Kapuso or anything. I just love the comedy. Hahaha... Jologs....

Hayyy... Cubicle for Men (a clan of bisexuals) are meeting tomorrow. They are inviting me. i don't know if I can make it. Too many guys, too many temptations, a lot of heartaches waiting to happen. I'll give it a thought though.

Haircut and Life

2005-06-01T11:59:00.000+02:00

Wheew!

Finally, I had a change of heart. Well, at least on how I look. I just got my haircut. Now I am officially a semikalbo. Too late I know but hey summer ended just yesterday. Not that I am going to the beach or anything (it's already the rainy season, dudh?!) but I just decided that it was time for a new look.

They say that some people go to salons to have their nails and hair done whenever they get depressed but I guess I got a different idea. I guess I went a little over the top. Literally. So you might have figured by now that I am depressed. Yes, I am. Thanks to Marvin and my pleading him to come back to me. He tore my heart once again. Awwww....

Can't let those ugly things shatter me! So easy to say yet so hard to do. You try to believe and believe that everything's gonna be fine yet deep inside you you know you suck. A couple of days back a new window opened and I hoped Marvin would let me in his life again. I was wrong. He shut it off even before my finger got across. Ouch! A slap on the face!!!

Thus the new haircut brought about by depression.

And what do you know? I feel just great. I dunno if it'll last but I am gonna enjoy my moment. I feel like a newborn baby ready to conquer the world. A big leap for that change I wanna make in my life. I even erased all my karirs, fuckbuds and what-have-you from my phone list. Thus preventing me from meeting up guys and having pointless conversations and sex with them. I guess I have outgrown them all. Is this what they call maturity?

Anyways, I am gonna post my pic with my new haircut when I get my hands on a camera alright!

I am so excited to get home and see what my brothers an cousins would think of my new haircute. Gotta go! Mwah!

Series of Unfortunate Events

2005-05-12T13:54:00.000+02:00

Life really has its ups and downs. And the downs are always there to get you no matter how you try to prevent everything from tearing apart. The fact is, everything has its expiration date.

Thus, this entry aptly titled, “Series of Unfortunate Events” ripped off from the recent movie about three children who’s life depended on each talent they have to be able to survive the cruel and nasty world that they young mind and soul have to face. Isn’t it sad that these so called unfortunate events are not only confined within the square of our TV screens? It’s not something we can just stop with a remote control when we feel we could not go on watching the kind of cruelty these little children are undergoing.

And so my life – a series of unfortunate events. Well at least these past few months have been.

First on the list is/was my job. Okay, I got fired because of poor grades. The worst part was, I was required to pay a bond worth Php 22,000 + which by the way I did not pay until now. Back then I was decided not to pay anything. In fact I did not get my last pay because the company strategically fired me before pay day. I thought it would be easy applying to other call centers thinking that since I am from a relatively famous company, other call centers would readily accept me. And they did actually. I passed every exam there is, every interviews and such. But they never called me back whenever they get to that part where they would call up my references. I think my previous company is sabotaging my future. And I believed my TL (tem leader) when he told me he would put up a good word for me. Yeah right! Liar!

Weeks after my first day of work, I broke up with Jerome planning to focus more on the one I love, Wabyu (obviously not his real name). He cried but I had to do it. I love Wabyu and I intend to spend the rest of my life with him. But apparently, Wabyu caught me. He read Jerome’s messages in my phone while I was sleeping after we had sex. When I awoke from the deep slumber, there he was, almost crying. And then he broke up with me.

The next thing I knew Jerome and Wabyu were already dating. And yes, something happened between them. It hurt me so bad that being friends with them is like piercing myself with a needle. Lots of them. But I couldn’t do anything, could I? I did not have the right to be jealous and mad for it was my fault in the first place. I ruined everything between the guy I really loved after my first bf and me.

It was a road full f bumps and rocks after that. Jerome was telling me everything. Even what happened between them inside a movie house. They became lovers for I think a week. Then some bad news, really bad news came.

Wabyu got some girl pregnant. He got a girl pregnant while we were together. Ouch! Talk about Karma. I thought I was the only liar, I thought I was the bad guy, I thought I was the only one who had sex with other guys while in the relationship. Wabyu did what I did too. He was at fault too. And now he got a girl pregnant.

Jerome told me all about it. In fact Wabyu is getting married to this girl. At a young age of 21. But I guess he wasn’t really meant for me. He still thinks he’s straight, though I somehow believe him.

But it hurt. A lot. After that night when he discovered about Jerome, he told me that he was willing to risk everything for me, he was gonna spend the rest of his life with me. What I don’t know was, he was having sex with that girl. And it was too late when I found out.

After Wabyu and Jerome, I met Athan (not his real name). Before we met he was telling me “I love you’s” and stuff. He was cute so I asked him if he wants to be lovers. He agreed. So we became lovers the day we met. The next day, I insisted on going home to Bulacan with him. After lots of pleads and all, he finally agreed to take me home with him. We slept on a separate bed though. But the next day I finally got to fuck him.

Before I left his house, I asked him if he really love me. Coz honeslty, his “I love you’s” and stuff was going out of stock when we finally met. He told me he would neet to think about it first. I gave him till midnight and before midnight I got the answer. I was not happy about it.

What I would know next would break my heart, again. He was denying that he was my ex. He’s been telling everyone we were just friends. Though I consider him an ex because what I felt for him was real and what I showed to him was me.

No. That’s not the end. Two weeks ago, I let my cousin use my only phone because I was using my Aunt’s MMS phone. When my cousin got back from Pangasinan, my phone was already damaged. The light won’t turn off even if I turn off the phone, thus, the battery’s draining so fast. And I did not even get to keep my Aunt’s phone. Now I am stuck with this damaged phone.

*sigh

Life, right?

After all these, I am decided to fix my life, find a new job and gain weight. So help me God.

And I hope the next series of my life will be more of a happy one.

Tanga Ba Ako?

2005-05-01T16:38:00.000+02:00

Just came home from new guy's place. Guess where? Bulacan. After insisting that I go with him home, he finally agreed.

He was a bit drunk, maybe that's the reason he agreed that I come with him home.

So I met his mom. Cool. She was having a merienda (daw) when we arrived. I asked for a white tee for sleeping. He shares his room with his brother so when we got there, his brother was already sleeping on his bed. I settled on Zeus bed while his brother wone up and went to the sala to watch TV. Zeus said his bro is quite a shy-type. So I was hoping Zeus would hop in the bed I was on. I was wrong. He settled on his brother's bed about two feet away from where I was on. Then he put off the lights and off he went to sleep.

And me? I was awake for like hours waiting for him to transfer beside me. But he did not. I was texting him but he wouldn't answer. He was already asleep. I threw a pillow on him but he didn't even move an inch. He was asleep... really asleep.

I wasn't sleepy and I was still hoping he'd hop in to the bed I was on until his brother went in the room and slept beside Zeus. I had no choice but to force myself to sleep.

Morning came and the first thing he told me or rather texted me was, and I quote, "Bangon na!" He hasn't got any sweetness bone on him. I always have to make the first move.

We went to church, my second time this year, around 10 am. When we got home noone was there so I waited fro him to make the first move and try to kiss me. But he did not.

After a while he asked if I wanted to sleep. I said okay. But sleep we did not. We made love... or at least that's what I wanna believe we did.

After that, he sent me home.

On the way home I texted him asking if he really love me or what. The same question I texted him last night but he hadn't replied because he was already sleeping and still did not reply to when he awoke.

Guess what he said. I quote, "Bsta pag-iicpan kong mabuti ung mga isasagot ko s mga tnong mo wabyu."

It broke my heart. But I love him too much. I told him that I'll give him until midnight to decide on the faith of our relationship, that I would not text him until he makes his decision later. I hope he chooses to love me. I really hope so.

New Guy

2005-04-30T09:27:00.000+02:00

April 29 - came new boyfriend.
Name - Zeus
Meet him at DL

*****

So I am here at Yes (Recto) with the new guy. He seems so nonp-chalant about my existence. We're with his friends... or rather, I am with him and his friends drinking beer. I wish I were alone with himl. We'll do more than drink and listen to some lame music the DJ is playing.

Argh! His friend (gay may I add) just gave me a flower made of some cigarette paper (Marlboro Lights). Told me to keep it and put in on a vase. Hahaha... Sweet but not my type. So not.

Argh! Now I am alone with his friends. Bf just left. Where? Haven't got the vaguest clue. Hope he gets back before boredom slaps me. You know me, I easily get bored.

*****

Zeus? I like him. No, I love him... a lot. But I don't quite know if he feels the same way for me... I mean for real. He says he does and all through text but... I'll stop there... I'm going paranoid again. Or maybe he does. Nahhh... Who am I kidding? Argh! I am gonna burst into tears any moment now. Must stop. Brew, control yourself! Oh God, I am talking to myself. Am I developing a split personality disorder? Scary.

*****

I just told him I love you. NO REACTION. Not even a single word. This must mean something. Does he love me for real? What do you think? Please help me.

Sun and Somebody

2005-04-29T18:16:00.000+02:00

And so time passes by and I am left without somebody. Though prospects are all over, I couldn't really make sure who to choose.

Not that I am lonely or anything. My cousins are enough to keep me company for the whole day. Chit chats, pillow fights and stuff. Sex has been a secondary thing.

Is it just me or the sun is kissing my face? God, the heat is just unbearable. Don'e you agree? I mean I was at Pier 8 hours ago because I had to accompany my brother who was going home to the province and the sun is really shitty. I feel so dark already. I wish I was in Boracay or something. It has been like years since I stepped foot on the island. I really miss it. I remember the days when me and my high school friends would just go there by boat from our island and spend a night or two to a whole week there. Then Boracay was just four hours away... and everyhting was cheaper.

Anyways, one of my many cousins (father side) will be celebrating his brithday (i'm sorry I dunno how old he's gonna be) on May 3 and I heard my Tita say they're gonna celebrate it at Water Fun. I think it's in Paranaque. So I am gonna be there. The last time I was in a pool was that Bataan thingy.

Hayyy... I am so bored.

Conversation With An Ex

2005-04-17T00:41:00.000+02:00

I am sure you all remember H&K. Well for those who didn't know, he is my boyfriend (rather ex bf) after Marvin (the first Marvin). We lasted I think a month and four days. The relationship didn't work out for me. I was too much attached with Marvin yet and my feeling were still with him. So I let go of H&K.

We were talking earlier over the phone. Most of the conversation went around on how cruel and selfish I am with him and Jerome and Marvin (new). He feels they are all my victims. He told me he feels sorry for these guys that they had to meet me and let me ruin their lives.

I laughed at first pretending these stuff he's talking about did not hit. I kept asking for the truth, if I was really that way. He affirmed with conviction and curse. I was born to hurt people, he said.

Towards the end of the conversation he iriterated these things over and over again. It seemed he was convinced that I treated them unruly, that I was a bastard ruining other people's lives. Well at least the guys I was with.

And he wishes that I met someone who'd hurt me so bad that I'd take my own life. That I'll be hurt enough to kill myself.

Then it finally hit me. Tears came running down my eyes. It hit me so bad that my face was numb, my heart aching. I just had to admit and face it. I told him he was right... absolutely right. I am a loser. I am a bastard.

Then Jerome texted me saying that Marvin (new) has a new bf. That soon? That can't be. So I texted Marvin and ask. He replied, "Wag mo akong igaya sau..." He also told me that if it would hurt me to know he has found someone else than he'd go for it. He'd go looking for another lover just so i would know how it is to be hurt.

If only they know how I am hurting inside. If only they know that I am suffering the pain I've caused them as much as they do.

I am so sorry. I guess I never really did get over Marvin (first).

Fall of Bataan II Pics

2005-04-16T12:24:00.000+02:00

Some pics from the UP Optics Sem-Ender last April 13-14 at La Vista Resort in Balanga, Bataan. Great place by the way. Pictures courtesy of DCercado. (Optics member)

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*For more pics, please click this link: DCercado

Another Sad Story of my Life

2005-04-16T04:05:00.000+02:00

It's official. He already said his goodbyes (15April05) and I didn't even have the guts to stop him. What for? I have done such a cruel thing to him. I hurt his feelings and betrayed his trust. Just when everything was going perfectly okay, this tragedy had to come knocking on our door. And it's all my fault.

Now I am back to singlehood. I should be happy right? Well I ain't!!! I miss my Marvin so much and I love so sincerely.

But he's gone. And he won't come back. He told me so. He asked me to stop texting him coz it's killing him with pain and disappointment.

Another sad story of my life I guess... And it'll be forever engraved in my memory.

Christina in the Background

2005-04-15T11:46:00.000+02:00

"If you wanna be with me baby there's a price to pay. I'm a genie in a bottle. You gotta rub me the right way..."

I am talking with Edsel (aka H&K) right now at YM. He sounds so mad at me for breaking up with him and making him see my new blog layout. He read about Marvin and the other guy, of course.

Don't get me wrong. I am not making his life miserable or anything. I still do love him mind you. I love all my ex's. There's this big part of me which is happy there's them. I am happy because they prove that I can be lovable no matter how monstrous I look like or how incompetent I am when it comes to relationships. Am I keeping them as trophies? I don't want to think of it that way. I just want to be friends with them.

Does this prove that I can't be alone, that I never wanna be the only one, I don't wanna be left out? Argh! Am I so dependent?

One thing is for sure though. I miss them and I tell that to everyone of them...

"... and when I'm down you're there pushing me to the top. You're always there giving me all you've got..."

Stripped Naked

2005-04-15T01:26:00.000+02:00

I am doomed. Karma is all over me.

Marvin finally found out about the other guy. And he was not happy about it. Neither did I. I love him so much that earlier that day I broke up with the other guy. But I guess no secret will remain a secret forever. I just hate it that it would come out in such a time. I was having a marvelous time with Marvin. We watched a movie, had sex and slept afterwards. Or so I thought.

Apparently, I was asleep when he got my cellphone. And there it was, a message that would ruin everything. "Musta na bhe." The other guy which I had broke up with earlier that day had dropped the bomb and it came blowing in my face.

He left the house mad. He was persistent. I didn't even get to stop him. I was like a child giving in to his request. He was leaving me.

That happened last night. And tonight, I am so miserable.

The Fall of Bataan II

2005-04-14T20:14:00.000+02:00

It ain't really the fall of Bataan or something like that. I just like the sound of the title. Don't you?

UP OPTICS invaded La Vista Resort in Balanga, Bataan last April 13-14. The organization, (which I was once the President by the way) held it's sem-ender there in a resort owned by one of the new members.

The event was so fun. There were two applicants who did their final rights* there and they stripped naked while blindfolded. The best part is, the other guy was a long-time crush and I finally got to see him in his undies. Hahaha. And we belong from the same province too -- from the heart of the Philippines... Romblon!!!

Most of the new members I just met there for the first time. And to be fair with them, they have fun written all over.

I miss the good old days.

There's also one thing I realized. That no matter how rude and cruel I try to be, I just can't do it or at least pretend to. I just don't like seeing other people being harassed and manipulated and sad (sh*t! I am sure all of my ex's think otherwise).

******
*final rights - neophytes undergo this last process as a test of their allegiance, sincerity and commitment to the organization

Brew Over Cigar 100% Comic

2005-04-10T18:51:00.000+02:00

Do you like it?
I hope so.

I have finally decided to once again change the look of my website. Took me two days to make it and it is not yet done. The photo gallery will have more pictures as well as artworks by yours truly.

Gotta go! I'm uploading my files in geocities. Mwah! Enjoy your day!

My Last Cup of Unlimited Iced Tea

2005-03-24T12:44:00.000+01:00

Argh! So I finally took my last cup of iced tea from eTel. Part of me is happy and a bigger part of me is sad. I miss the people on the floor. The people who seemed so difficult at first but eventually gave in to my irresistable charm. (blah blah) :)

It has been like two or three weeks since my last call from that company and I still linger every minute of my stay there. I have learned to love the people there, well most of them. And I have seen how nice they treated me. But like they say, some things never last and maybe my time was already up.

Right now, I am looking for another company, another call center. I know it is gonna be hard at first but I am sure i'll get along just fine.

Hayyy... I am so bored. What am I to do this week?

Freezing Monthsary

2005-03-08T02:09:00.000+01:00

It's our first month anniversay and everything just seems fucked-up!

I know. It is my fault. I shouldn't be here in the office with Jen freezing up like a snow cap has fallen above me. I should be with Marvin just like I promised him. I should be hugging him right now wrapped in his big arms waering nothing but boxers soaked up with love and unforbidden sex. But where am I? I am in this fucking office who will soon force me to leave because of some freaking "right-sizing" the company is trying to pull up.

I love Marvin. Even Jen could attest to that, I think. But there are just things that are inevitable.

And now Marvin has turned into this drama queen I was once like and he's uncontrollable. He feels like I am with someone else right now because i didn't get his first call. Then he asks me If I really love him (YES!!!) and so on and so forth. Now he's gonna get drunk because of me. I am flattered and all but I don't want him to get hurt because he loves me.

Argh! I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm too young to handle relationships. Maybe this ain't just my road...

? A Big Question Mark

2005-02-26T08:59:00.000+01:00

*Wheeew...

Work seems to be so unstable these past few days. The company is on the process of "right-sizing" and everyone just seems to be unease about it. "Right-sizing?" Now what the hell is that? Well, as you should know, it's the company's term for down-sizing the number of employees. I don't know the main reason for the drastic measure but I am guessing it has to do with financial matters.

Unfortunately, I am included in those people who will undergo PIP (Performance Improvement Program." Chances are, if I don't pass this one, it'll be a bye bye for me. No more free coffee, no more unlimited iced tea, no more vending machines that wouldn't accept 20 peso bills which has a 2004 date onwards.

I am not hoping for anything really. I just want this to be over. This prolonged agony is making everyone agitated and unsure of what our futures will be with this company, or if we have a future here in the first place. (? a big question mark) If I stay with this company then be it, but if I get kicked out then fine. There are other call centers around. Maybe I can apply in the one where Marvin (old one) works. Hahaha... Here's the stalker again.

A Dream So Weird Yet So Familiar and Real

2005-02-23T00:00:00.000+01:00

Jen and I were on our way home. We had no money at all though it has only been a week since the payday. Not a single cent in our pockets. Just enough money to get us home.

Mom was there when we got home. She was nonchalant about our arrival. This is weird, I thought. Looked like she was in a bad mood. I went into my room and beside my wallet was a 500 bill. My mom's purse was there too. I figured she left me money there so I put inside my wallet. Then I saw I still have money inside. Bills of 20s and 50s. I arranged them all in order, excited to get out of the house.

I bathe while Jen was on my bed sleeping. It was almost dark outside. We needed to leave immediately. After the shower I picked up my mom's car keys. Without putting on clothes, wet and with a just a towel on my waste, we got inside the car and Jen hurriedly stepped on the wheels to nowhere. I only had a pair of boxers and undies with me. And the towel of course wrapped around me.

We were driving with no direction in mind. Jen then decided to show me her dad's house. It was dark and sad. The headlight flashed through the unguarded gate and the tall grass which envelopes the background of the unwelcoming house. Then Jen pointed something on the back of the house. Said it was their's.

We took left and Jen suddenly went fast. Then faster. I didn't mind. We were having fun talking. Then my stare went through the glass. The headlight revealed a group of persons walking towards us. The car went faster, almost about to hit them. I immediately took grip of the stirring wheel, making the car turn right where the people are. The headlight uncovered something that sent shivers down my spine, one that covered my whole body. It wasn't human. It was horrible, horrifying. The group of people were human pigs. They have heads like pigs and they were staring back at us with peircing eyes that melted away every courage I had.

Jen didn't notice that. I still have the wheels though Jen had the pedal. Then in the darkness, ahead of us, the headlight revealed yet another entity. But this time it was a lady with shopping boxes on her left and an umbrella on the right. We didn't notice it was already raining.

It was raining so hard and the road was becoming slippery making it hard to hold the stirring wheel in place.
The we spotted a boy talking on his cellphone, nonchalant about the heavy rain. We didn't take much notice of him though the sight was pretty abnormal.
I suddenly remembered the road we were taking. The same road with a deep slide heading to the ocean on the left was the same road I usually have nightmares about. It felt so weird yet so familiar. I have had dreams about this place before, almost every night. And it had been years since I dreamed about it. And its appearance again is quite unusual. Gave me the creeps. I memorized the road by its constant premonition in my dreams. Right ahead is a full curve to the right, or else we would fall to the ocean.

I held the wheel tight and made a forceful turn to the right. I saw the entire scene like I was looking at it from a helicopter. I was still on the seat I was on when I entered the car. Jen was still technically the driver.
I was trying my best to make the curve, but we didn't make it. We fell head on to the ocean. I saw it with my own two eyes.

The next thing we knew we were walking towards the shore, away from that salty water of the ocean. Then suddenly the guy who was with his cellphone came out from our back still talking to his phone, all wet. It seemed like he was with us when we fell. I heard him saying, "Low batt na ako," to whoever he was talking with on the other line. Then he got lost in that dark bushy wilderness.

I suddenly was worried with the car. I looked back to the ocean and I could still see that red car on the bottom of the ocean floor. I asked Jen if we could go back and drag it to shore. I was worried that mom would be so mad at me for stealing the car without her permission. She agreed though we both know it's impossible to do what I had planned.

While we were walking our way, shivering in the cold rainy night, to the car, with the water becoming higher and higher soaking our bodies once again, I saw a car splash down the ocean from the same road we were taking earlier. Only the car came from the opposite direction. It was also red.

Then I heard a loud sound from behind my head. It was my cellphone's alarm. I suddenly remembered I have put the alarm at 5pm.

All was just a dream, a nightmare. And it scared me. A lot. I told Jen about it who was still stretching hard to wake her sleeping muscles and nerves i n her body. As I was telling her what happened, goosebumps appeared every so often especially when I told her about the part where I saw those human pigs.

Until now, I am afraid of that dream. I dunno why I had to dream about it but I did. Maybe it is telling me something. I dunno. Only time will tell. But as of now, that vivid, weird yet familar dream will be marked in my deep consciousness for a long time. A very long time. It was almost real.

Right now, I'm still scared.

New Downelink Account

2005-02-22T05:08:00.000+01:00

It's 5 in the morning and I am here in the office. It's actually my day-off but due to lack of exciting activity and I get quite bored home, I decided to go with Jen here and wait for her till her shift ends at noon today. I was awaken by a sudden pain in my back because of the position I had on the lazy boy while sleeping. I had a good one though.

I met up with bf on Saturday night at Bryan's apartment. Had fun with him, with both of them actually though I think Bryan had been a drama queen once again. The two guys he loves made love beside him. What would you feel? Disgusted? Envious? Mad? I don't even know how it happened. Libido took control of me, of us once again. But it was no call of the flesh at all. Not in totality. I love my bf and what happened was an embodiment of my love for him and maybe his love for me.

By the way, I have finally deleted my account in Downelink.com last night. The other day, i have opened a new account and I am screening all my invites. I wanted it to me more personal this time, real friends, real people not just because i find them cute or anything. If you intend to see if you'll get through my screening do try. My email is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.

Me And Brent Javier Inside The Comfort Room

2005-02-20T03:18:00.000+01:00

OMG! I saw Brent Javier , (yeah, Brent Javier) in person the other night at the UP Fair. And get this, I saw him inside the comfort room. I am not dreaming nor am I making an alternate reality. This is for real.

I was waiting for Jen who was in the comfort room when he came by. I did not recognize him at first but when I looked more closely, my God! He was just the cutest.

He was with this PA, production assistant or commonly knon personal alalay or big stars. Anyways, this PA who accompanied him to the bathroom happened to be a common face when I was in college. we chatted before and I actually almost joined his organization. So when he saw me sitting in one corner near the bathroom's entrance, he came up to me and started a small talk. I, feeling and pretending nonchalant about Brent's presence, just said life's fine.

When he passed by again after peeing, I guess, I almost wished I was inside the bathroom and I almost wished I was the PA. Hahaha... A lot of people told me he's gay so maybe I have a chance.
He's such a beautiful angel... Really gorgeous...

Live or Kill Yourself

2005-02-19T23:35:00.000+01:00

Whoow... where are the people? The office is like
a ghost town. Have they all gone to Puerto Galera?
I know some people who did but I thought they
were only nine people? Hmmm... Are they all on
break? What's happening. Weird.

By the way, I just finished reading an email
supposedly from an "etelebabe" who has been
harrassed in the office. Yes, in the same company
I am with. She has alledgedly received a birthday
gift through an email of a picture of her naked.
What a great gift to receive on your birthday,
huh? The girl emailed everyone about this, and it
happens it has been forwarded to me by a
collegue. She condemns those who judge her.
Can't blame her. That must have been a shame
knowing everyone has an email saved in their
Outlook of a picture of her naked. I didn't get the
whole email but that is basically the gist.

Life! All you can do is try to enjoy it, or like I always say, you could always kill yourself.

Tikoy From Poch

2005-02-18T01:10:00.000+01:00

Argh! I miss the fair tonight. The plan did not push through since I have work and Jen have to sleep for her shift later. As much as I want to go, I can't. My shift is until Saturday night and the fair ends at that time as well, so there. You figure!

I left my sun cellular sim at home tonight. I realized it on my way to Jen's unit ealier. Being the lazy me, I did not return to get it. And now I am somewhat sad because I can't talk to Marvin come lunch time (call center lunch). I already miss him so much. And I love him. I am serious, okay!

Anyways, just got a box of Tikoy from Poch, an officemate and a teammate and the second guy in the floor I have had a big crush on. I don't even know what Tikoy is. Hahaha...

Bel just dropped by my station. Asked her how to cook Tikoy. Told me I should coat it with egg. Glenda also saw my Tikoy and told me to hide it. Might get another CITE form if Security sees me. Hid it under my work station.

Speaking of Poch, I can still remember the first time I saw him. That was during our training and we, the trainiess, were about to begin with our buddy-ups (we listen as agents take in calls). He was wearing a green polo and his voice was deep, very deep. He was Chinese looking and I thought he was cute. I do think so till now. I so wanted to buddy-up with him but my guts had fled from me instantly.

After a few weeks and the training was over, we were assigned to different teams and to my surprise, I got into the same team as Poch is. And the rest is history. He calls me Garfield by the way for he knows I love Garfield. Isn't that sweet? ehermmm... Cute?

Natatae Ako

2005-02-17T06:05:00.000+01:00

Natatae ako. Di ko alam gagawin nko. Nauutot pa ako. Ang baho. Di ako makaalis ng floor. Tagal pa ng last break ko na kinse minutos lang. Baka di kayanin at di ako umabot. Baka ma-ove break na naman ako.

Pangit ng feeling ng natatae. Ang pagpipigil na wag biglang lumabas ang aking baho. Ayoko magkalat dito. Nakakahiya.

Ahhh... Ayan, nautot ulit ako. Sana umabot pa hanggang 8:30am. Uwi ako agad. Pag di na talaga kaya, sa CR na lang sa 2nd floor sa canteen. Sana lang walang tao.

Sama talaga ng feeling. Parang ang baho-baho ko na. Siguro dahil to sa tatlong Tofiluk na kinain ko kani-kanina lang pagkatapos kong mag-lunch.

Ayan na... ahhh...

Utot lang pala.

"Tagpi, Tagpi, Pasok na. May Mumu..."

2005-02-17T01:25:00.000+01:00

Four hours of sleep. That is all I’ve got before this shift started. I woke up around 4pm and immediately got ready and went straight to Jen’s unit. And now I am sleepy and tired. I was on the elevator ealier after a cigarette break with Emor and I felt a tightening in the left part of my chest. It ached everytime I try to breathe or move. It lasted for a few seconds until I drink iced tea in the pantry. I better see a doctor soon.

Anyways, I was supposed to have a date with bf before my shift but since I was with Jen and I thought I was so stressed up that we might not be able to enjoy the date. So I took a rain check and promised him that we’d go out soon.

Anyways, I have a joke for ya all. Since I don’t have anything interesting more to write, I hope you’d enjoy this one. It was sent to me by a friend to my cellphone.

Dad yelling at his gay son: “Hoy! Papasukin mo nga yung aso sa gate!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na.”
Dad: “Tanga! Takutin mo!”
Gay son: “Tagpi, Tagpi, pasok na. May mumu…”

"...I Can't Afford to Lose You."

2005-02-16T04:30:00.000+01:00

After three days of break I am back to work. God, I feel sleepy already. I still have more than 4 hours left in my shift and my eyes are beginning to droop. *Sigh

To compensate for my tired eyes, I just read a message from Marvin saying how much he loves me and I quote, "...I can't lose you." Love is definitely in the air and Valentine's Day has been extended. Until when? I am not sure but I hope it'll last. I am slowly falling in love with Marvin.

There's that phrase again. Just two words yet so strong. Falling in love. Why do they call it like that anyway? Falling? Why? Hmmm... Maybe because it is a kind of fall which everybody suffers a hard time standing up on their feet again from. I have been there, once and now I am risking myself again hoping this time would be different.

Anyways, watched Phantom of the Opera yesterday before my shift. Tragic. I feel for the Phantom. I dunno. Me and the underdogs. Somehow I could relate to him though I wouldn't go that far of having to frame and kidnap the one I love so as to have him love me back. But what the Phantom did towards the end of the film when he finally let go of Kristine to that long-haired guy (didn't really liked long-haired guys) melted my heart. I almost cried. The movie is quite dragging not to mention sad. But if you're up for some lonely and hurtful and musical stuff, then the movie is for you. One of those movies I'd probably spent hours watching at my telly over some spoiled reheated pop corn wearing my pajamas over a stormy weather.

Emor has become the drama queen. Told me he is envious of me because I finally have a boyfriend when he has none. He also said that I was more "beautiful" than he is, which I totally disagree coz I never see myself in any way attractive. Love has its way of getting to you. It caught me once again and it feels great. I just hope Emor's would catch him soon.

Belated Hearts Day

2005-02-15T02:19:00.000+01:00

It has been forever since my last post. I didn't even had time to write something about Valentine's Day. Well, to all the curious peeps, I have had a blast the night before hearts day. I was with my beau. He was magnificent. I can't explain thouroughly the feeling. It was, uhmmm... like I said, indescribable. I'll give no details. A hint though, we were in my room. Hmmm... Think what you want.

It's UP FAIR everyone. I'll be there this Thursday with Jen. Haha...

Anywhoo, I'll keep you posted guys on everything. Dun worry.

New Boyfriend, New Routine, Old Hair Do

2005-02-11T06:02:00.000+01:00

It is exactly six in the morning and I feel great. Jen and I changed our routine that has been going on for the past three days of sleeping here in the office night before our shifts. We decided yesterday to sleep at my place instead and leave home early the next day for our shifts. Thus a straight sleep time with no interuptions for both of us. Her shift starts at three and mine at six so when we got here earlier, like around 2am, she headed straight to her spot and I stayed in the lounge and got me some more sleep.

I am also happy that finally, I was able to tell Bry about me and Marvin (let’s call him Marvin), my new boyfriend. Apparently, Marvin was Bry’s exbf. Talk about living in a small world. I just hope he moves on from what he feels from me. I think we’ll be good friends.

Now don’t be mislead. Marvin is a separate being from Marvin, the guy who likes to walk his dog. Hehe. We’ve known each other through Bry. Bry gave me his number and the rest is history. We went out once with Jen and after that the rest is history.

I know. It just seems too fast. But I like him, isn’t that the more important thing? I don’t know if it’ll last of if I am making the right decision of committing myself to somebody while moving away from you-know-who. But I am willing to take the risk. And I do think I love him (?).

-----------
I am back to my old hairdo by the way. The one where my hairs just falls to my forehead. The one that Ibs loved before. It feels light and care-free. And the jacket and the glasses look good with the hair. I feel so good and loved. Hayyy… I wonder if it’ll last.

SHOULD I, OR SHOULD I NOT?

2005-02-10T11:55:00.000+01:00

A lot of questions has been bugging my mind recently. Most of them having to do with dstuff I have to decide on, changes I have to make.

Last week was a revelation of what Wabyu feels for me. Actually he feels nothing but hate. His letters proved it, the way he replied my sms messages affirms it. This led me to think that maybe he didn’t really love me for who and what I am. Or he didn’t really love me, period! What he loved were those pictures of mine on the internet showing my good angles and my almost perfect face. Pictures can really be deceiving and in a way I deceived him. And now I am paying the price.

For the two months that we have been together (most in thought), I was sincere with my feelings for him. I loved him with everything that was me and with everything that I could. I endured days, even weeks, of not seeing him, not even a shadow of a single hair from him, because I loved him so sincerely. Not that I didn’t feel loved and wanted but time was never on our side. I admit that.

And now its finally sinking in. It is over. It is really over. It has been over for almost 8 months now. And in those months Wabyu was the only guy I was really committed with, though only in my alternative world. I have been praying, hoping, begging God to let us be together again but to no avail.

It’s time I move on. My rational side is taking control again. Brain over heart. Though it is hard (trust me) I am trying. And I hope I succeed.

Should I forget him? Or not?

I am also thinking of having a new boyfriend. Someone I will truly love and get serious with. Riddler has been a victim and I don’t intend to have more in line. I did love him, sadly, I wasn’t over Wabyu.

EVERYTHING'S SEEMS TO BE MESSED UP. BUT I AM GLAD AM MOVING FORWARD

2005-02-07T05:20:00.000+01:00

So far so good with the effort to move on from Him. He has controlled me for so many months that I haven't had the time to notice the others that truly love me. What made it easier is the hate that I am feeling against him right now. He had ignored my text messages, he got mad because I meddled with whatever affair he had with a guy I met months before and to make matters worst, or easier, that guy sent me an email saying he was very upset because of what I alledgedly told Cairo. Whatever it was that I said or I didn't say, I am somehow thankful it happened. Because now, it's easier to move on from Him. Like he puts it, "I have moved on so far away from that point of my life."

I will not be pretentious and convince you all that I am moving smoothly. Oh no, it's as hard as the day he broke up with me. I still am having doubts if I can do this or if along the way I'll be my old self again and give up. I am even thinking of deleting my Downelink account so as not to hear him or see him again. Also Cairo. Whatever it was that he told the guy, it definitely made him so mad that when Him found out about it, he immediately sent me that fucking email.

Am I making it sound complicated? Not with the lack of names and everything. I am just avoiding more trouble.

And apparently, this guy named Christian, from Downelink who said he liked my pics and he even gave me his number, told me he hated me after I called him over his cellphone. He said I sounded too gay. Like duh?! What was he expecting? That fucking asshole didn't read my profile. I did not say I am a bi or straight there. What is it with these stupid people getting mad at something too petty? I hate them. Now I am becoming a bitch. As I write this post I feel my blood rushing... It just makes me feel so mad.

Enough of this madness. My day-off wasn't so bad. I met up with Bry, this so wonderful nursing student. I slept at his place.

So much for now. I'll be logging in in 40 minutes. Systems all up and I am ready to go. I hate my shift this week by the way. It's 6am till 3pm. I miss my old shift which was 11:30pm till 8:30pm. And it's only the start of the week.

Valentine's Day is near. Now, who would be my date?

*Sigh...

2005-02-07T04:31:00.000+01:00

hopelesssoul

I am an angel clipped off of my wings, brought down to suffer the bitterness of this damp earth.
I am a hopeless soul who never cease to find someone who can see through me.

I never cease to wander, hiding from reality. But reality has ways of finding me, slapping me in the face of what is now.

I am a funeral passing by the road leaving everyone confused and asking. My coffin is my flesh and inside is my rotten being, slowly being eaten by worms of enormous apetite and disgusting smell.

You laugh at me because you think I am funny. After those laughters, you dismiss me like a thin air of smoke, that will be brought up by the cold wind of the night into nothingness.

It's cruel, I know. But this is my fate. This is my life.

SLOWLY I AM CONVINCING MYSELF IT IS REALLY OVER

2005-02-05T04:04:00.000+01:00

I dunno what elese to do now. He got mad because apparently, according to him, I was badmouthing him and this guy to all the people. He sent me an email, which was more like an accusation of something I didn't do, really.

I sent him a message after my shift yesterday. I said hi and he replied saying he was about to sleep. Then I told him alright and dream of me and guess what he said. Goes something like this, "Why the hell would I dream of you?"

That's it. I so want to end this madness. I am going there really. I guess it would be a matter of days before I totally get over him and finally hate him. As for now, I'll just be miserable and be the same old me.

Hurts.

It's valentine's day next week. To all of those who have dates this valentine's day, have fun! And for the rest of us, might as well sleep that day away. Good thing I have work.

FEELING SO OUT OF PLACE

2005-01-30T11:17:00.000+01:00

So I bought a new phone yesterday so i can finally text him. MJ was nice enough to accompany me together with her bf and Jen. We were at Greenhills yesterday. Though not really my ideal phone, it's the unit I can afford as of now. I'll save up for my choice. Maybe after three months or so, I'll be able to get one of those camera phones.

So I texted him yesterday using MJ's phone. Told him that it was my day-off and that if he liked we can go out for coffee or something. I just wanted to meet him basically. See my angel once again. Guess what he said?

"I am walking my dog. I'll just save your number."

That's it. Two sentences that shook my shattered world again. What can I do? I couldn't hate him. Instead I hated myself for reasons I really don't know. Maybe I blame myself for the break-up. I dunno... I really don't.

I texted Emor about it and he said I should come with him to BED, Malate so I can loosen up and forget about him. Just to enjoy. I somehow hesitated. What would I do there? For sure he would have a date. So I thought. But after much convincing I finally gave in.

I wouldn't go there alone would I? So before I went home from Greenhills I went to an internet shop and got the number of that guy (Pacey) in my inbox in Downelink who told me he had a crush on me.

So I met him up and his friends. Well, it's a group actually which I am a member of. This is my first time see them and seated there in one corner of the table, smoking, and being budge from left to right and back by people passing by felt like hell. I felt so out of place. It seemes I was the ugliest guy/gay in that spot of the world. Or maybe in the whole world.

Obviously, Pacey didn't like me at all. So I figured I had to get outta there immediately before I lose my sanity. I texted Emor to hurry up. He arrived and when I finished my bottle of Strong Ice I followed him to another table where his friends were. From UP. And one of them was my classmate in Psych 101.

After a round of beers, we decided to enter BED. And then, doom came knocking...

Here's my notes in my phone while I was alone puffing my cigarette...
(In text languange)

2:45am.
BED so crowded. Got out of there. Lost Emor and his friends. Feels so out of place. This is beginning to be a bad idea after all. Shud have stayed home and rested instead. I'm all alone. They don't lyk me. Nobody does. Another confirmation that I'm gonna be alone, sad and pathetic. Better stop dreaming. Hair gel and expensive clothes can't hide my ugliness. I so see my future. Hope had work today instead. At least I'll feel appreciated there. If it's only a feeling then I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I am so miserable. Better stop meeting guys. They wudn't lyk me. 2nyt is another proof. Today sucks. My life sucks.

After a few minutes of being myself in that corner which was my world for that night, Edgar, another guy from Downelink came up.

Finally met Edgar from Downelink. he's cute but he obviously doesn't lyk me. Another slap on the face. But then again, I shudn't be surprised. Happens all the tym. Teary-eyed now. Where's the tissue?

BACK OUTSIDE

2005-01-28T23:39:00.000+01:00

It has been two days since Marvin left that email. I replied twice and I still haven't received a single note from him. Maybe he was right. He was only in a good mood when he sent me that lettoy. Maybe, after he sent that message he realized that it was wrong, that he made a mistake.

Now I am out of that tabernacle. Again. I will be lying here outside waiting for the rain to pour and flood me with misery. Tears will start flowing and my decadence will start showing once again. I shouldn't be surprised nor shocked. This is what always happen, doesn't it? One time I am happy, the next thing I know I am back to myself.

Maybe I was expecting too much. Although I know it was wrong, so wrong but once again, my feelings for him got the best of me. It only shows that I haven't been able to move on. Not a single step. And now I am realizing that maybe it is my choice to be here. Or maybe I don't have a choice. I am so fixiated with the idea of loving him that waiting for him seems like the only option.

I know I am a fool but if loving someone means making a fool of one's self, then I am definitely a fool. No questions about that.

For now I will stay here outside the tabernacle until another invitation comes out of the door.

*sigh

THE RAIN HAS STOPPED

2005-01-27T10:08:00.000+01:00

The rain has stopped. I don’t know if it’ll be for a long time but I am happy that it did. I was so bruised and flogged with pain that I hadn’t seen it coming. I hadn’t prognosticated that it’ll happen, that my wish would actually come true. I just hope it’ll be forever. If only I hadn’t known better, that forever is just a fantasy.

But just the same I am joyful that he had made himself felt. Again. With those words I see hope, hope that I can hold on to and smile even for a moment. Those words were music to my ears. My shaking, lymphatic body breathes life again.

It’s hard to put it in words. What I feel right now is more than I can grasp. I smile and cry at the same time.

Could this be a start of a new beginning? Or am I just making a tabernacle of dreams and hopes? Whatever this is, I will stay in it as long as I can, relieve the memories we shared and spent my time here waiting, hoping he’ll come back.

He gave me his number too which made me so happy I could almost hear the rumpus of church bells in that quiet lounge room on the office. Reading that email from him was like walking to the stairways of heaven. Light and joyful. I would have yelped for joy. If only there was no one in that room sleeping. But just the same, my heart was ecstatic, it was suddenly electrified with love.

Am I insane? Can this be true? If this is a dream then I would never wanna wake up.

*sigh

OFFICE CRAZE

2005-01-25T07:20:00.000+01:00

Okay Brent, here it is. I know you have been waiting for this. ^_^

So many things have happened during the days I weren't posting anything. I just don't know where to begin. But I'll try anyways.

Work has really its ups and downs. I experienced it first hand. Last week everyone was unsure if we would stay in the program or be transferred to another program. There have been two raffles which determined who were to leave the program and be transferred to another program as technical supports.

I don't know if I am fortunate or otherwise but my name wasn't on the list of the peeps to be transferred. Most of my friends were picked out from the lot and this made me confused. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go with them and file for transfer or if I wanted to stay in the program. I gave it a thought and decided that I would transfer. Well basically, the pay is much higher there and also Emor filed for a transfer as well. So those basically were my reasons for filing a transfer. The next day I found out that Emor had his transfer differed so this really made me confused even more. And then I asked for advice from friends who are gonna stay in the program and they helped me in deciding that I should stay. And that's it. I am still here, hoping that I'll be able to perfrom my job well.

I do miss the peeps who got transferred out of the program. Thank God for Microsoft Outlook, we are able to communicate and send out email to one another.

*Sigh

One hour to go till the end of my shift. I gotta get some sleep because later in the afternoon I'm gonna watch Meet the Fockers with my teammates. I also have a shift right after. argh!

CREATIVE DAW

2005-01-17T07:15:00.000+01:00

Wheew... I didn't know that what I write could have that effect on people. Earlier I sent out my profile image that I have for downelink.com to my friends and a lot of people saw it. They asked me to send them the image as well and when they read what was written, Kristine almost cried. Said she felt the same way, especially the last part. They even thought it was a poem.

Val even retyped it and got it printed out of the office printer. She also asked me if she could post it in her blog and was insitently asking that I make a title for it. I told her that it was not a poem and that if she really want to put a title for it, she just have to use untitled. Hahaha... So much for those creative juices. Am I running out of them?

Another asked me why I didn't make writing a profession. Well, the pay is really not that good and I ain't that confident in my writing skills yet. I need more practice.

Wheew... I am happy that people like what I write and it feels really great. They also like my images that I make especially my Outlook signatures and templates. I often get comments like, "How do you do that?" Someone sent me an email saying, "Maganda grabe masyadong madrama! punong puno ka kaya ng drama!I also want to learn kung paano mo ginawa itong design specially yung picture below na para something that i cant define as of press time."
Now isn't that good to my ears... Hahahaha...

Anyways, I finally met Chase from upstairs and we had a smoke during my last break. Hahaha. After a month or so of communicating through Outlook and we finally saw each other... He's just fine, I think.

Hayyy... It's my dayoff tomorrow. Wonder where I'll be... Hmmm... Any ideas?

MY SHIFT AND LUIS MANZANO

2005-01-16T07:46:00.000+01:00

It's an hour before my shift ends and I am getting a bit sleepy and bored as well. All my friends already left and I am alone in this quadrant with a girl I dunno. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. Well, with all that is happening in the office lately, who wouldn't be? To make matters worse, the temperature is like so low that I zipped my jacket up to my neck. My hands are feeling abit shaky right now and I figured if I typed something maybe the shaking will fade. Still cold though. I am not going back to this work station again.

Well, everyone is still on hype regarding the transfer that's gonna happen again early next week. Some are excited, some not. I am somewhere in between. I haven't decided yet if I want to be transfered or not. But that doesn't really depend on me because if my name will be drawn from the list then I'll have no choice but if I wouldn't be transfered and Andrew gets transfered then might as well file for transfer. What would I do here? All my friends are being transfered. No use staying in this program, right?

I think I am gonna get a running nose because of the cold. I just hope not. Last night on my way at work it was so windy and I thought it's gonna rain but so far I haven't seen a single drop of rain. In fact there are a lot of people outside partying. I even saw Luis Manzano when me and Inna were having coffee at Starbucks last night. He ain't that cute. I like him more on posters. But when he starts speaking, omg, I can't helped but be turned off. He was with this guy (ugly). They were talkking about something. As much as I would like to evesdrop, I couldn't. Hahaha... Doesn't matter. I don't care anyway.

Last 50 minutes. Better get to work.

AND SO I THOUGHT IT'S OVER

2005-01-15T02:15:00.000+01:00

We can't have it all, really. Okay, so I found my Pussy, finally, last night. My TL* had it and he returned it to me yesterday. PIP* is also over so right now I am taking in calls. I should be happy, right? Right? Well I am not.

When I came in to office today, I knew that the list of people to be transfered to another program has already been finalized. More or less I had an idea of who the people were before I went to office. And unfortunately most of them were already my friends. I arrived atr work 4 hours before my shift so I had plenty of time to mingle and ask questions to people about what was happening, about the people who are going to transfered.

While I was having my cigarette downstairs I saw Mr.D (remember him?) and the rest of his team mates who were having a general assembly at Gloria Jeans (some coffee shop). He was waving goodbye to me. I asked why though I already knew the reason. Emor was with him. They were talking (heart to heart I think) about something. They both looked devastated. You see Emor is staying in the program while Mr.D is leaving.

I suddenly had a change of mood. I started my day right actually. I went to SM, had a haircut and watched Ocean's Twelve (I think the first one is better by the way). I was so excited to go to work since I was gonna take in calls. I haven't been taking calls since the 22nd of December, thus the excitement. But then when I saw Jeff and the rest of the peeps, I felt sad. I think this is unfair. You see, the people who are gonna be transfered had been decided through a raffle. Mr.D is doing great in his job. So are the rest of the people. I feel guilty. I should be in their shoes right now.

*sigh

And so I thought this nightmare is over, that everything is gonna be fine. Well, another news broke my supposedly happy face. By next week another bunch of people, around 7 or 8 will be shed off from the program. Same process. Raffle. So there's a big chance that I am gonna be one of them. The news is really leaving everyone hanging. Nobody can be too sure.

Well whatever happens I just hope I will still be employed after next week. Can't afford to be jobless now.

BAIT KO TALAGA

2005-01-13T15:49:00.000+01:00

Ang bait bait ko talaga!

Ahehehe. Last night on myw ay home with AJ, we came across an old lady carrying lots of baggage. We didn't bother at first then after a few steps ahead of her we looked at each other and one thing came to mind, to both of our minds. She needed help and help she would get.

So we did help her. I carried this plastic container and mind you it was heavy. Real heavy. While AJ got a palstic bag which I think was heavy too. I could tell by how he walked and how his body swayed.

We carried her stuff from Ali Mall to Edsa. Imagine the distance but we managed. We talked while walking. I even managed to puff a stick. Of course, I was hiding the pain that baggage was doing to my arm, left and right.

It also happened that the old lady was going my way home. So we took the same bus. She even offered to pay for my fare. Of course I declined. Nakakahiya naman. But it was nice of her to offer. I appreciated it.

AJ, on the other hand, was willing to wait for us get a bus before going ahead and crossing the road because he would take a different route from us. I insisted he went ahead because he might find it hard to get a bus home.

Me and Manang (I forgot her name though she told me on the bus) did not wait long for a bus arrived after a few minutes. On the bus we talked about where she was from, I mean that particular night (or was it early morning?). She was from Bicol and that she had been there since Saturday. Babang luksa daw. She also told me that she has three children, one working at Mister Donut.

So much for a fun talk, I had to get off the bus before her because my place was the first stop. We said out goodbyes and take cares.

After that I realized how good it felt to have helped somebody who needed help but wasn't actually asking for it. I mean she was there managing herself with those heavy loads and me and AJ only had a small bag. AJ had been equally kind and helpful as well. I am happy we did that. I think this would be a happy year no matter what my problems are at work.

AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE STRAIGHT SPECIES

2005-01-12T18:45:00.000+01:00

Was in the elevator going up after having my yosi (after lunch) and there were these three girls who were talking about a guy who hadto choose between a gay lover and his girlfriend. According to them, if they were in the gf's situation, they would rather be left for another girl than for a gay guy. Now here's the insulting part. And I quote, "let's understand na pag yung gay guy yung pinili, it's gonna be because of financial matter." Argh!

Are we that low? Are straight guys that abusive? Are gay guys that stupid?

It felt so weird being the only guy, gay at that, in that elevator with those girls. What I don't get is why gay guys go for straight guys when they know these guys would only use them, would empty them of their wallets. Have we not matured? Hey, it's the 21st century... or you've been sleeping all these years!

It's time we put our flags up and be proud of our being gay, of our gender, of who and what we are. It's time to come out of the shadows and let the world know we can do better, we can contribute to the society, that we actually can change the world.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against straight people. It's their prejudice and bias against "us" that puts me into a bad face. Hello!!!

BAKIT?

2005-01-10T00:21:00.000+01:00

"Bakit ganito ang buhay ng tao. Mayroong mayaman, may api sa mundo."

Why? I too don’t know. Why do wee see children on our way to office or school begging for alms, selling sampaguitas when they should be in school building their future, their life? Why do we see old people, almost our grandmothers and fathers knocking our car windows with their palms open and their bare foot on the ground, asking for food or money or anything we could offer when they should be at home resting and making a house a home? Why?

I too, don’t know.

On my way home tonight, three old women hopped in on the bus I’m on and took their seats just in front of me. The other woman couldn’t see, or was she blind, that the two other woman and the conductor of the bus helped her sit. They were wearing old torn clothes. I noticed one of them on bare foot and then I felt a sudden numbness on my face. I don’t know but my heart grew heavy and my mood on the down low. My eyes went wet though I wiped them off immediately. Then the conductor came back and asked for their fare. Right there and then I wanted to tell the man to spare them of the fare. I wanted to offer that I pay for them instead. I wanted to give them the 500 peso bill that I had on my wallet which I borrowed from AJ earlier when we were having lunch at KFC across the office building. I wanted to give that old lady money to at least relieve her of the pain of walking on bare foot. But I too was broke. Just like them, I am poor.

While the rest of us can enjoy life’s pleasure, these people have to work hard just to have food on their tables. While we enjoy our seats inside the Greenbelt III movie houses watching the latest flick, they have to be in the streets asking other people to feed them, for whatever excess centavo we have in our pockets. While we are wasting money on useless things we buy from these so-called signature shops, they have to sew and re-sew their old torn clothes just to protect them from the heat and pollution of Edsa and the coldness of the night. While we can enjoy our HBO’s and MTV’s they have to look through their neighbors’ windows just to have a little time of enjoyment in their hectic and hard life. While we sip our tall-sized white iced chocolate mocha from Starbucks, they can only wish they can live like us.

Now why is that? I too don’t know.

What I do know is that I feel for these people. I share their sentiments. I know their life.

Isn’t it that everytime we see these people we feel some kind of burden in our hearts? We feel pain at how cruel and unjust this world is. We let out a sigh and wish it were all different, that we could all be equal, that life were a lot easier.

The truth is, life ain’t. And all we could do is hope and hope and hope. But what is there to hope when reality would slap you in the face and open your eyes to what is real, to what is there. Then we wake up from dreaming and we are confronted with a sad, cruel and shitty world. A world where there would always be the rich and then there’s the poor.

*sigh

MY PUSSY IS MISSING

2005-01-09T10:49:00.000+01:00

Gosh. It's only 11:40 AM and I am already here in the office. My shift starts at 2PM. Well, like they say, it's better to be early than late, right? So I'm gonna waste my free time sending email through Outlook to all the peeps I know. I actualyl sent out my very first email for today aptly titled "Have you seen my alarm clock?" Yes, I left my pussy here last night. Pussy cat, you silly you! It's a small white alarm clock in a form of a cat. I names it Pussy. Hahaha...

It has been given to me by Honey a few days back as a Christmas present. It's really cute and the alarm is really loud so there's gonna be no reason for me not to wake up. Hahaha... the reason Honey gave it to me is because of the incident before that I was late for two hours because I haven't been able to wake up form my deep slumber at CC3 (call center 3, still in Eastwood, separate building) lounge before. I don't know if it's an insult but I am grateful anyhow.

I remember a few years back I got a hand sanitizer from a friend as a birthday present. I was kinda shocked and told her, "Ano ako?! Bacteria?!" Just the same, I was glad. Hahaha... But it was such a good laugh. Well, a card went with it so there's really nothing to be mad about.

Hmm.. Now I am really bored. Got nothing to do anymore. Maybe I'll just stay in the lounge and sleep for a bit. But then again, Pussy is not with me so I might not be able to wake up in time. Argh! Maybe I'll go online then. There's a free internet in the lounge but I hope there ain't nobody using it right now. *Sigh...

A LOT OF MOCKING IN THE OFFICE

2005-01-08T22:25:00.000+01:00

There are a lot of mocking going on in the office today!

Hahaha... not that you stupid! We are doing mock calls today. Remember, the training? So as part of the training we are being called by trainers and they are pretending to be customers. Well so far it's all fine. I mean, my calls were. But this is getting so boring. So boring indeed. To be fair with the trainers though, we actually learn new things about the product and the procedures for certain inquiries. Hayyy...

SoI had my certification for PIP (performance improvement program) last night before my shift ended and I think I did well with both the calls that have been recorded. I had three calls but only three were considered for recording. From what I know, those recorded calls will be sent to American Express Salt Lake City in Utah so the QA's there can rate them. Hayyy... I hope there's gonna be bo terrorism that's gonna happen. Hahahaha...

I would actually love to pass that certification eventhough maybe around February, there will be a cut down of employees in the program since it is not the peak season anymore. Chances are, I might be transfered to another program, I hope inbound, because of, again, scorecards. My grades are way below passing. There's a program in the Makati building that I heard has slots for new employees and I hope if ever I get to be transfered, it's gonna be there. I heard it'sgood and it's simple and it's fun. That way, I am gonna be near Marvin... Hahahaha... Still hoping... Argh!

I have work tomorrow. If I'm gonna start taking in calls I don't know but accroding to the scehdule, we are supposed to have buddy-ups, again... Then Monday and Tuesdays are our day-offs. Got no plans actually. I am broke so basically I couldn't get out of the house evenif I so want to. Ocean's Twelve is already in the cinemas and Ipromised myself ever since I saw its trailer that I would watch it when it comes out of the cinemas. Hayyy... I hope I get to see it before its too late. Or else I would be forced to buy a pirated DVD copy of the movie and watch it at home instead.

Grrrr... I am so bored. 30 minutes more and I amout of this office. Bye everyone.

IM FAMOUS... or so they say

2005-01-07T10:59:00.000+01:00

ria: hi brew..lamu ur famous in our section na..everyone's talking about you, hu u are at paano mo napaglalamanan ang mga blog namin..lupet..pero ganda ng blog mo..=)link mo ko huh!tnx
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Hahaha... I am intrigued with a message in my taggy about me being famous in her class. Hahaha.. I am flattered, really flattered.

I am happy of course. I did not know my blog could reach so many people. Maybe I visited her/their websites and left a message with my link. Hmmm... that's called promotions baby!

Anyways, today's THE EXAM and THE CERTIFICATION for me to be able to stay in the program I am currently with at work. Hayyy. I hope I pass. I really do. As sson as yesterday when I heard about it, that it'll be today, I got really nervous but of course, I tried hard not to show it. Remember Mr. Perky? Hahaha...

The training yesterday went well. We had so much fun with Jeremy, the trainer who by the way just got promoted, again. I wonder when I'll be promoted. Hahaha.. I'll go straight to being the CEO of eTelecare. (dreams, dreams, dreams) He's from UP too so that gives as something to talk about. I think he's gay. Hahaha... silencio! Talking about the company, I think it has already changed it's name from eTelecare International to eTelecare Global Solutions. I like the previous one better. Don't you? The latter sounds like a detergent product of something. ahehehe...

Off to work! Can't afford to be late. Ahehehe... I already received a warning letter for an absence I made last December 22, a day before my birthday. Scary.... Grrrrr....

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Before I go though, here's something I made for my Downelink profile. Enjoy...

MY FIRST TAGALOG POST

2005-01-05T19:15:00.000+01:00

My first Tagalog post.

Hayy... buhay. Nandito nga ako sa office la naman ginagawa. Nakakainis di ba? I am so bored. Kasi naman, bakit ang bobo ko. Baba ng scorecards ko. They were way below passing. Yung mga calls pa na yun ang na-eval ng mga QA. How malas can you get!!!

Anyways, just had lunch with AJ. Had beef for lunch. Take note: when I say lunch it does not necessarily mean na tanghali yun. It could be early in the morning or late in the evening depending on when my shift starts. Now, had my lunch at 6pm since my shift started at 2pm. Here's how it goes: after two hours is my first 15-minute break. Now this could be my yosi break or snack, depending on the time again. Coz you see, when it's morning or late afternoon, the elevator can get so pretty jammed up and it would take you more than five minutes to get to and fro the ground floor. So when my break lands on a time when people are coming in and out of the office, I just take a snack, usually a Hansel sandwhich from the vending machine in the pantry. The after another two hours comes my lunch. Now this one hour so I usually eat outside since I don't bring baon with me to the office. McDonald is my fave during the wee hours because it's the only store open and a burger is pretty cheap, without the drinks and fries of course. Nagdadala ako ng ice tea which is free by the way from the office. One of the perks you get from being an eTel employee including a free coffee or different variety. So di ba, tipid especially now na mahirap kumita. Now I know how it is. So kailangang magtipid. Then two hours before my log-out is my final break or last break. This is another 15-minute thing. Same goes here as the first break. No need to further expound.

So there, I have just divulged to you how the office works. But now, it's really boring... Sobra!!! Nakikinig lang kami ng calls of other agents, ito nag-a-outlook to friends (which is getting pretty boring as well kasi iba sched ng friends ko from me), or nagdadaldalan with my officemates na nakatraining din.

Kelan kaya recertification ko? Makakapasa kaya ako? What will happen to me now?

I can only wait...

*sigh

This is weird having to write an entry in Tagalaog. Nakakalito.

NEW YEAR, NEW OUTLOOK? NAHH....

2005-01-05T09:20:00.000+01:00

Happy New Year!

So we are supposed to start the new year right, huh?! But me, I think might have started it the wrong way. Not that I cursed it or anything but it seems that all my problems and worries kicked in during the start of 2005. let me give a quick background of what these problems were/are.

First, I have got no cell phone. Still busted. I don’t really think it’ll be okay again. I need to buy a new one coz it’s making my life hell. My supervisor cannot text me of what is happening in the office nor can my officemates. Especially now that I am on a not-so-fixed status again. Remember retraining? The thing is, I can’t save up for it from my salary because it ain’t enough. You see, I’m sharing my salary with my three other brothers who are in college. Needless to say, I am their big bro and I give them allowance for school, just as I promised my parents. The result, total disaster on my part coz my money is gone even before my next salary. Right now, I’m gonna be broke soon. Argh!

Second, I keep thinking about Marvin. Did he ever love me? Was everything he said to me the truth? His last message to me got me thinking, a lot. Yes, I sent him a message through Downelink. Apparently he has a second account already and I added that account to my list. I saw the opportunity to message him, again. He approved my invite and like the rest of the guys there I sent out invites to, I said thanks, in a form of a graphic with 3 doors down singing in the background. I also told him I wasn’t expecting he’d approve it and that I miss him so much. Guess what he told me? It goes something like this, “I have moved on so far away from that point in my life and I am happy.” Ouch! A big ouch!

So I have been thinking of totally hating him but I can’t bring myself to do that. Last night after a movie marathon, while puffing my cigarette across the neighbor’s garage and staring at the blank sky I tried to convince myself out of my obsession to him. Obsession. What a strong word. But I guess that is how I feel. I am so obsessed and possessed by him that I can’t get away from what is now the past. Maybe I am just afraid that nobody would love me anymore, or at least make me feel so loved as Marvin did, and time is never on our side. Maybe I am afraid to get old and bitter and loveless. I am not saying that I can’t turn a head or two. But I don’t want these guys. Why can’t be love a lot easier? The guys you don’t like are the ones who like you. I know I won’t settle for less, I can’t. I have too much pride for myself. I know I deserve someone better but I don’t know if he’ll come running back to me anytime soon. Or maybe he’ll never pass my way. It seems God has put walls around me… I hope not.

Third are my frustrations from work. Emphasis on the “s.” You know, the retraining and shit. If you have been reading this blog you’d know what I mean.

*Sigh…

There are many more. But if I write them all then it would take me forever just thinking about the right words to describe how it feels.

I am sorry if there has been nothing in this blog but my worries and shit. As much as I want to write about how beautiful life is and how perfect it is, I can’t. inspiration has gone low and depression is overflowing. And this my friends is my life. This blog is the only channel wherein I can show my venting frustrations and every shit life has out me on. Life sucks! I always say this coz it’s true. Now I don’t want to ruin your new year, so I’m letting this go. For now.

Once again, happy new year!

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I have finally posted something. After days of hiatus... Hayy.. I finally came out of bed and reality bumped me in the head once more. Off to work!

5 THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR 2004

2005-01-01T00:01:00.000+01:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR…
FIVE Things I am thankful for 2004:

1. I am thankful that I was able to graduate as expected. Took it for just four years baby!!!

2. I am thankful that I got a job as a call center associate in eTelecare. Though my future there is now under question. But I’m still happy I am working.

3. I also had the third version of my website this year. Brew now sees the world upside down.

4. I also had my first nude pictures taken this year. Hahaha… Dami career…

5. And finally 2004 was the year when I met my Marvin, the first guy I really really loved sincerely and whole-heartedly. Nothing can compare to what I feel for him. He was my angel.

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Honestly I am depressed…

*sobs

A NEW YEAR ABOUT TO BEGIN IN TEN, NINE, EIGHT...

2004-12-31T05:10:00.000+01:00

In ten,
nine,
eight,
seven...

Its only 5pm and I can already hear fireworks everywhere. People are getting excited about the coming year. Just earlier when I went our of the house to send money to my brothers through Western Union, there were so many people rushing about the street to and fro the market. Young coconut vendors are everywhere selling their produce and mothers are lining up to get their share. Buko salads would sure be overflowing later.

Yesterday, I rented three movies to keep company last night. I watched Idle Hands last night and I just finished Gothika and Almost Famous. My head is feeling a bit heavy from the long hours of being a couch potato. But I figured I needed to write something.

Mom called to confirm that they got the money and she also told me they were preparing something for the celebration. My sister is making a jelly which mom said was too liquidy or something. My youngest brother asked for money and Peter told to just walk and go home there. I miss my family. But I still don’t want to go home.

What will I do later? Hmmm… I’d probably get starting on that year-ender post that I am planning to write. Got the idea from Bhe. He is writing one too for his blog. Malate gimmick didn’t push through last night but Jaime kept me company so it was fine. So I am also thinking maybe there’s a party or something there that I could attend to. Too bad I got nobody to go with. Maybe I’ll have coffee later. Undecided yet of what to do.

Well to everyone, YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME THIS NEW YEAR’S EVE AND MAY THE NEXT YEAR BE FULL OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE.

THE SHIP FINALLY SANK

2004-12-30T10:04:00.000+01:00

Have you ever had the feeling that everything is falling apart? Exactly. That is how I felt during my recent stay in the office. It started okay. I mean, there were still ten of us, nobody had still given up and I was being called Mr. Perky. Then we were sent in one room for the examination. But first Erik (trainer) asked about our supposedly holiday break which was more like a sugar-coated pre-termination procedure for me. It seems like a big plan of cutting off the number of employees and unfortunately, we were the first class to undergo it. The pioneer, in other words. I’d stick with the latter. Sounds better, right? So most of us were somehow appreciative of the break because they got to spend Christmas with their loved ones. Two of us, however, had to contend with instant foods from 7-11, me and Lali (Ela on the floor) coz we were both alone in our houses. All in the spirit of Christmas, right? Lame I know, but hey, at least we tried.

Then came the long discussion about the tsunami that hit South Asia. Actually I wasn’t aware about the news until I went to the office two days later. And everybody was talking about it I was like, hey, what movie is that? Is that the new thing from Spielberg?

We were told to get ready and Erik had a set of papers on his hands. Then he asked me if somebody already discussed to me the things I missed during the first training. I said no, which is the truth by the way and he refused to let me take the exam. Then what am I suppose to do then? Buddy-up with a tenured agent for the whole shift, a total of 8 hours. BORING…

The first few hours were fine. I had “buddied-up” with Hyge, this girl who I think has a crush on Rome. She was fun and so my stay with her was fine. I would always sneak out of the office to go down and smoke and it would be okay with her. There’s nothing she could do really, I guess. Then I saw Jack who was on the verge of crying. Apparently, she just read my goodbye email. So after my, I think fourth yosi break, I looked for her and “buddied-up” with her.

The nine people left in the training room also had their certification (actual calls) that shift. After they were done, they were told to call the office for their next schedule but definitely, they won’t be going to office in New Year and the rest of the holiday.

I felt so left out. That time I really felt so alone. I was with nobody and my co-trainees were already ahead of me. so I asked Erik if I could have my first-day training today since it is my day-off. He said NO. I have to wait for the next batch which was gonna be trained on the second week of January. Hear that? Second week of January!!! What the hell am I suppose to do? he told me I would be probably doing some admin stuff like cutting some papers for notes, and all those boring stuff. I held my tears hard that time. I didn’t wanna cry. So I just said, OK and I was back to being perky. But this time it was so difficult. It finally sank in to me the gravity of the situation. I almost wanted to resign right there and then. But then there’s the bond. I don’t wanna pay the company 45,000 Php, do I?

So it’s my day-off from work today. Called the office for my next schedule and I am to come back on Sunday 8pm. Maybe I’ll just sleep another year away.

TOO MUCH NEGATIVE ENERGY… GOTTA BE PEEERRRKY!!!

2004-12-29T06:42:00.000+01:00

Just came home from work. I’m allotting 2 to 3 hours of internet usage today before I hit the sack.

I am both happy and sad with what my office day turned out. I am happy because I knew that other people share my sentiments and frustrations at work about what happened. I am also happy that I got some email from my co-trainees who are in other programs greeting me for my birthday. I am happy because my co-employees, especially those I have had training with emailed me and said that they are afraid they are gonna be next on the list of people who are being pulled out from the floor. This somehow made me not-so-bad about myself. But still, what happened was really bad. I mean REALLY BAD. Big bold capital letters. Dig me?

I am sad however because amongst the 10 people (including me) who got pulled out first, I think I have the least chance of ever going back on the floor. These people are, should I vaguely put it, okay. These are the ones I would have looked up coz I have listened to some of their calls and they were great. Robin (a more tenured CSA*) told me earlier that however good your calls are for the day if you had one bad call and that call happened to be the one monitored by the quality assurance people (now these are bad people, really bad people), it could ruin the rest of your calls. And I believe her. That’s the risk we take and we can’t do anything about it. From the very beginning, we were told about that and that I can not dispute against.

The office seems so unfamiliar, so cold and so uninviting. It felt as if people were looking at you with piercing eyes reducing you to this tiny dust that suddenly you feel so useless and unwanted. That is how I feel until now. The program doesn’t want me anymore, that the program wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.

The rest of the re-trainees were so mad and depressed, someone even cut her hair short because of depression last Christmas, and that the atmosphere earlier was so negative. So negative that nobody was smiling or being friendly. I just had to be perky for the group so as to keep all of our sanity, if ever I still have one. I even told them that we should have a team name. One suggested we go for The Boobitas (meaning bobo, in English, DUMB), another one opted for The Pasaways. And so everytime I see an opportunity, I would always shout “perky!!!” with matching clap and a jump. “Perky! Perky! Get Peeeerrrky!,” went my line. But deep inside I wasn’t. I share what they have and I know exactly how it feels. It’s like you were blown away to space without any gear and you slowly suffocate to your death.

I emailed some friends earlier basically saying my goodbyes just in case. And Honey (co-trainee who happens to be in the same program) read it before her shift which was at the end of mine. I saw her crying in one corner while facing the computer. I asked why. She replied, Kababasa ko lang ng email mo (I just read your email). I wanted to cry as well but I had to stay strong for both of us, for the rest of us. I didn’t want other people to see me cry coz when I cry I feel so vulnerable, I feel I’m giving myself away to people I barely know.

It’s sad but life has to go on. Or like I always say, we could always kill ourselves. I’d rather have the first option.

If it’s gonna be a green light for me, I would feel really bad. But I can’t push myself to something that doesn’t fit me. Rainbows don’t always have a pot of gold at the end. Sometimes they have sh*t waiting for you to be stepped on.

I have a very low self-esteem or self-confidence that’s why. When people say something bad about me, I usually accept it, no questions asked. That’s me. Gotta deal with it. You don’t know how hard it is to deal with me everyday. You just don’t know…

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CSA* - customer service associate (this is who I am)

I AM BACK TO WORK

2004-12-28T14:18:00.000+01:00

Finally, after almost a week without work I am back to the office. My shift starts at 8pm today and ends at 5am tomorrow. Pretty neat compared to my last schedule which starts early in the morning. With a schedule like this, I can cover most of the hours with night differential pay. Hahaha… Now I wonder how much I’ll get in my next salary. Hmmm…

The phone rang last night (or was it early in the AM) and it was Jaime from Downelink. Told me he’s been calling me for ages and nobody’s picking up the phone. He was bored and awake so he decided to ring me up hoping I’d be awake. Fortunately for him I was awaken with the phone ring which was set to the highest level. I wasn’t feeling very well, since I was sick right? But I still entertained the call. He seemed pretty fun to talk with with all his ectasy-induced hyperactiveness.

I was also surprised to hear that he thinks that I am so conceited. Am I? Truly, am I? Apparently, there were things I said to him and led him to think that way. And I was really caught off-guard. I dunno. Maybe I can be conceited at times, unconsciously but in real life I really ain’t. Or I would like to believe so.

It was me who gave up from the conversation (new I know) coz I really felt sleepy and I needed to rest for work today and I was sick for crying out loud. I need to regain some of my strength, if ever there is left.

Hay.. about work again, I really ain’t excited because I don’t know what I’ll do later. I hope Emor’s gonna be there so there’s someone I could talk to and smoke with. Hayyy… Life… sucks I know, but we’ll have to live it anyhow… or we can always kill ourselves. I’ll stick with the former. I have much to high hopes still running in my system.

ARAY !!!

2004-12-27T17:39:00.000+01:00

I was checking my guestbook just now because I was gonna send email to all those who left me a message there and then I saw this one particular message which left me crying again... I also checked my Friendzy account and there right in front of me, waiting to be read...

i just cant stand not being connected to you... i miss you... i just have to say, i love you so much... message sent @ 7:01 pm - Sunday,April 25, 2004

YOU-- *remind me of coffee, u perk me up *remind me of false teeth (if i had one) i cant smile w/o you *remind me of a car, to drive me crazy *at night, when i switch off my lamp and i see the bulb, i remember you, coz u light up my life. HEY call it chessy, passe, or corny but it's still something... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/15/2004 7:16:58 AM

...i dont know where to begin now...you are my reason to be happy...you are the someone id like to be with for the rest of my life...and you ian are so special... and i must say, you complete me and hope you be ahppy with me, coz im sure i am very happy with you. there mere thought of you gives me shivers and this warm fuzzy feeling inside that i just love getting. and looking at you just makes me feel so lucky that i met you...i just cant help but bare my soul out here to let them all know i care for you so much... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 4/26/2004 5:32:41 AM

AIYAN--you take my breath away, and heck you just took the words right outta my heart. la na ko masabi sweetie. naunahan mo na ako. as always... I LOVE YOU AIYAN. akin lang sya, id kill anyone stupid enough to get in the middle of what we have. kiddin' sweetie, ya' know i wouldnt do that. wabyu yanyan... Friendzy.com testimonial sent @ 5/4/2004 1:18:47 AM

after a long time...
i cant even count the days when i last laid eyes on you. i cant even think of ways on how to make it up to you.i feel so useless. are we just victims of circunstance aiyan?!i miss smelling you around me, i miss all the things id usually experience when im with you. i just miss you. i miss loving you upfront. im tired of loving you from afar although i have to bear withthat for a while.i love you. Friendzy message sent @ 6/28/2004 7:46:06 AM

pssst...
i know weve had no contact for the past days.i do miss you. i just wanna handle my problems alone muna.am not mad at you.i just want time for myself to straighten things out in my life my way with no one interfering.not that you do.i love you.i want you to do good in your work and try staying longer in one company as it will reflect in your employment record if you keep jumping from one co. to another.ok?we'll have time together real soon.and i do want to talk about that the blogs you post on the net. i have seen it you know. i just want to clear something out regarding that matter.i know you love me and all, but there are things where some line have to be drawn. soon...TC Friendzy message sent @ 7/11/2004 6:53:12 AM

i dont know...
reading that message, just got me more confused. im not really trying to break up with you, although that has crossed my mind recently (for reasons still unclear to me) i am a very confused person, i guess the time we spent on email wasnt enough for us to get to know each other that well. i may look simple, but i believe i am a very complex person with lots of internal issues that have yet to be resolved. that makes my actual persona a liability to the people i come in contact with. if i am gonna be breaking up with you, i wouldnt do it over email, ill save you the irony of us meeting and parting in friendzy. i am man enough to do that upfront. i am so torn between the fact that you are so affectionate and love me so much and the fact that you love me sooo much and that i cannot even match that. it makes me feel so incompetent in this relationship. i dont want you to fall victim to my personal issues, as i have been trying to deal with myself since i was young. and i dont like the idea that our relationship is one-way since you appear to be more into "us" than i am; that is with the fact also that we are so far from each other and that our work habits prevent us from being with each other often.i love you but i guess not at the same level that you love me. not that i love you less but i love my special someone in my own way. i just dont know how to explain it. we'll talk this over.just let me think and come up with a decision, if i didnt love you id tell you.(and i did kiss you on the lips, i just cant count how many times) Friendzy message sent @ 7/12/2004 8:22:37 AM

Iiyak na naman ako. Pasko pa naman. And everbody thinks you're supposed to be happy during the holidays....

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Anyways, like I mentioned, I sent out email to those who visited my website and dropped me a message in my guestbook. To all of you, Maraming maraming salamat po.

THERE WILL BE NO SEX TODAY, I GUESS

2004-12-27T10:27:00.000+01:00

I woke up sick today. I felt like I had just got out of a roller coaster ride. My head all spinning and sh*t. I was awaken by a telephone ring. It was Mike. The guy who was supposed to go here last night but was too afraid he’d be lost. So he decided to come over today instead. I wanted to take a rain check but I did not. Maybe this headache will pass after I drink medicine. Well, I told him to call first before he leaves and then I’ll decide.

I was compelled to eat that oatmeal with cranberries and nuts on the top of the fridge. The stores in the village are closed and I didn’t want to go out and buy food at 7-11. And mind you, I did put on it real milk with a tinge of coffee of course. Have I told you that I am lactose-intolerant? Everytime I would drink milk, plain, I would always vomit. But I wanted to be fine so I tried hard taking in that cereal. It went fine. Did finish half of it. The rest I threw away in the garbage.

I have an 8-5 shift tomorrow. I ain’t sure if it’s morning or evening. Better call the office again later.

I called the office for my sched yesterday and Raul (Chadwick in real life) told me he couldn’t find my sched so he’d call back after an hour. Which he did, not after an hour. About two I guess. He’s really cute btw. He speaks Spanish and we both came from the same university. I also heard he teaches part time in our school. And so I read, he drives a BMW. Whooow! Lucky girls you are. Too bad he’s straight.

I updated my Downelink.com page yesterday. I got so inspired by what Michael did to his page that I almost patterned mine to him without Enya singing in the background. I put that here in my blog instead. You better see it. My email addy is shoplifter23@yahoo.com if you have a Downelink account.

Also yesterday, somebody from Connexion.org promised to buy me a brand new phone. Hahaha. Asked him thrice if he was serious and he said yes. He’s 24 pr 26, can’t really remember. I suddenly remembered Ken, that 62-year old guy who really loved me and gave me a lot. But I couldn’t stick to that relationship coz he’s too old. I hardly even call it one because all I wanted from him was the luxury he was giving me or letting me experience. Talk about a high-end user, huh?! And my friends call me an international whore. I am flattered really coz it takes a lot to be one you know. Hahaha…

I also have exceeded Friendster.com’s allowable number of friends so I made a new account. Do add my account if you want. My email addy for that is pinokyo23@yahoo.com.

My head still feels heavy. I guess there will be no sex of whatever form today. Hayyy… maybe I’ll just lie in bed for the rest of the day. But then again, that’s what I have been doing for the past five days, right?!

BEING ALONE AND GAY ON CHRISTMAS DAY

2004-12-25T16:09:00.000+01:00

All this SEB’s* and sex over the phone is already making me sick. I don’t know what I want anymore. Is it just someone to fuck or am I looking for something more? Okay, sex is fun and all but there comes a time when you feel like you are so used up and wasted that you want to just stop and stay numb for a while. After you get off and your libido is on the low, you question Did I like that? Or Was that what I wanted to happen?

And it’s Christmas for God sake! All I could think about is sex. This is what happens when you don’t have work and you have the house on your own which comes with unlimited internet connection. Now everyone on every gay chatrooms knows who you are and you build this reputation that you are a player and that you suck at relationships. I dunno if I do. Ask my ex’s.

But not all guys in the chatroom I want to have just sex with. When you see their pics and you realize how cute they are and then you automatically consider them as a boofie material. But then again, they won’t like you coz your slim and your ugly and sh*t.

It’s a stiff competition out there. If your ugly and don’t have at least a tint of sex appeal then you are OUT! You’re bound to spend the rest of your potent life with your palms as the only source of recreation.. or you could always kill yourself.

Relationship or otherwise, like one-night stand, perfect guys (or so those you think were) would come and go and leave you with your dick hanging limp. Most gay guys know neither commitment nor loyalty, especially the young ones. And include me as one of them coz I am guilty myself. But then again, those of us who remains hopeful to love will always give spare time to have one more guy on our bed wishing they would stay the next day in our lives. Dream on baby!

------------

SEB* - sex eyeball

MERRY CHRISTMAS !!!

2004-12-24T17:51:00.000+01:00

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Another lonely Christmas is on its way 6 hours from now. And where will I be? Alone here in the house in my white torn pajamas in front of this computer hoping that there are souls out there sharing my sentiments. Maybe we will gather up in cyberworld and have our own little merry Christmas... less the hamon and spaghetti of course.

For the rest of the world, have a Merry Merry Christmas!!!

SO MUCH FOR A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2004-12-24T01:21:00.000+01:00

Just when I thought everything's gonna be just fine. I definitely thought wrong. What was I thinking?!

It's already hard that the numbers are slowly going up and then you know everything's so fucked-up all of a sudded. Today's my day-off from work right? Which constitutes a 9-hour shift from 12:30am - 9:30am. But I was absent yesterday so I didn't know what was going on in the office.

I go there, all enthusiastic and sh*t for my 12:30am shift tomorrow and I find out that I was pulled out from the floor for a focus-training (whateva they call it) that was scheduled earlier today at 7am - 4pm.

So I enter the office and I begin noticing the people who used to be so perky and sh*t towards me are the same people who couldn't look me in the eye. I look for Emor but he ain't there. Then I leave my stuff in one of my officemate's station and she tells me I shouldn't be there, that I am suppose to have a traning. I get all cranked-up, my heart beating faster than normal and I know something's wrong. Then I start reading my emails but there isn't a clue of what is going on.

I figured maybe I could use MJ's phone so I go to her place and then finds out she isn't there though the lights are on. I go back to the office and talk to the supervisor and she hasn't got a clue. Then I ask another one and fortunately she is kind enough and connects me to my TL's mobile (team leader). TL tells me he sent a message to my mobile and I say I haven't received it since my phone's busted. TL explains what the situation is and the worst part is, I, together with Emor and 8 others were pulled out from the floor for that f*cking training because our scorecards are way below passing. That we might be terminated from the program if we don't pass another certification. I try to sound perky and okay and composed but deep inside I want to scream "hell!" and just walk-out from that place which suddenly felt unfamiliar. I feel I don't belong in that place anymore.

Then I find out I am gonna spend the rest of the week at home including Christmas because they changed the schedule. Waaaa... I feel so clueless like a little boy lost in a zoo.

And now I am home, my tummy aching, my heart clouded with tears, and my hopes six -eet under.

So much for a happy birthday huh?

-----------------
By the way, I would like to thank my TL, MJ, Jen and Jhen for the greetings. Thanks. You're my consolation in this so fucked-up world of mine who keeps pulling me from insanity.

WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

2004-12-23T16:23:00.000+01:00

It's my 22nd birthday! I still can't believe im this old. I feel like I am onyl 18. Hahahaha. Dream on Ian. Got a call from Papa (biological dad) earlier. Also talked to Toto and Nene and my Tita and grandma (remember her?) Mama told me she's cooking something for my birthday. Haha. As if I can get eat it. We are like an ocean away.

I got a gift from Bhe. It's a red undies from Bench. Just like the one I gave Marvin. Hahaha. Bhe spent the night here too. I think he got mad of something. I just ain't sure. Got to check his blog later.

To all of you you who greeted me, thank you. It has been another year of fun and laughters, of tears and drama, of heartaches and heartbreaks, of sex and lots of sex. Hahahaha... Love you all.

----------
Thanks to:
Bhe, Raymond, Mayee, Cairo, The Paradox, Howie, to my Friendster, Connexion, Downelink friends, and to all of those I forgot to mention, Maraming salamat po. :)

OF BIRTHDAYS AND STUFF

2004-12-22T16:09:00.000+01:00

Brew is turning 22.

At exactly 7 hours and 51 seconds from now. I am going to be a year older. I just hope a year wiser too. This is the third year I am celebrating (or lack thereof) my birthday alone in this house. It isn’t really a big thing anymore. For me birthday celebrations are just an excuse to get drunk, get laid and get drunk again. And I don’t have anything against that. In fact, if I get lucky maybe I’ll celebrate it that way. And it seems fate is on my side that I got a day off from work tomorrow. Gotta look for someone to celebrate it with. Bhe’s coming over later. And he told me he has a gift for me. I am excited.

Wheew! I am surprised with how many people greeted me so far. Especially from Friendster.com and other community sites. There was this 26-year old guy who promised me a new cellphone as a gift when he comes back to Manila after Christmas. Haha. I hope he’s not playing. Though I am not really hoping.

Well it’s my birthday and I am broke. Haven’t saved enough money to go out from last week’s salary. I bought my brothers their tickets home and some pasalubong for my two other siblings back home. I even had to borrow money from Emor and AJ. But what the heck! I’ll pay them on the 30th.

And by the way, I overslept earlier, that’s why I wasn’t been able to go to work today. I just hope I don’t get terminated anytime soon. Not when I already passed the certification.

I also made a new friend at work. Her name is Ina. And she looks a lot like Katya Santos of Viva Hot Babes. Haha. At first I thought she was a snob, until she helped me with a call I had regarding a fraudulent cheque. Then we started talking at Outlook. She also smokes which is good because I would always invite her to smoke when I am on break. I also told her that I am gonna be alone this New Year and that I asked my supervisor for a shift on that day. She even invited me out before my shift on New Year which is more or less gonna be around 2am. Well, I guess she just felt sorry for me. but she’s very cool!

ALONE AGAIN, NATURALLY...

2004-12-18T04:43:00.000+01:00

Christmas is near.

And so is my birthday.

For the past three years I have spent thse so-called happy occassions alone in a house full of nothing. It's not like I did not have a choice or anything. In fact I did. The reason? It's personal. It's complicated.

It doesn't matter really, if I am gonna spent it alone with the rats and roaches at home or with anybody. I'd probably do what I have been doing for three years. I'll sleep these occasions away.

But wait. There's work. I could go and work on holidays. Well, this is better than feeling all messed-up, unloved, and bitter at home with a pillow as an only refuge. And I get to be paid double. I just hope I can convince my supervisor to let me work on both new year and chritmas.

-------------------

I finally met up with Bhe the other day during my day-off. I waited for him at Figaro. SM Manila after I bought boat tickets for my brothers who went home yesterday afternoon. Had lunch at Shakey's. Slept at his place. Watched Stepford's Wives and Butterfly Effect. I don't need to tell you what else happened. I am just happy I saw him again.

------------------

Check out my new office outlook signature. Now isn't this cool?

BULLSHIT

2004-12-15T08:00:00.000+01:00

Just had lunch. Well, I dunno if you could call it lunch but I had a pandesal I got earlier from 7-11. It was supposed to be for my last break but I thought I’d eat it anyway. And I did. I have 30 minutes more left of my lunch break so im writing this post.

Somebdoy in the office named Jeremy just gave me a key chain with an image of Mother Mary. I was thankful of course. He gave several others the same thing. Maybe he did not know that I am not a catholic nor do I go to church. Nonetheless, I was grateful. That was sweet of him.

Can’t wait for later. I am getting my 15th day salary. I wonder how much I will get.

Mama called yesterday but apparently I wasn’t home yet. My brother, John-john told me that my ever so evil (pardon for the tem, couldn’t help it) grandma was asking her for the money we owe her. And we haven’t got anything. And it is causing a lot of trouble back home. Mom and dad are fighting because of this.

So I immediately borrowed my cousin’s phone, inserted my sim and then called mom up. I was answered by someone who I thought was mom crying. I was surprised and I immediately asked why she was sobbing. Turned out it was my sister who answered the phone and that she wasn’t crying at all. Active listening. Ahehehehe… another mark down if I were at work.

I talked to my mom for like 30 minutes about why grandma was asking her money when in fact its them (their side including her other children) who owes us money. I still remember when mom got a maturity loan like three years ago worth 100,000 pesos. The money wa ssupposed to be spent for a computer for me and other school needs. But they borrowed the money and until now, they haven’t returned a single cent. They have forgotten about it and now they’re like asking us for the money we owe them? BULLSHIT!

Well mom, being the ever so nice and God-fearing woman that she is, just wouldn’t fight back. She told me, Huwag na anak. Bahala na ang Diyos sa kanila. (Don’t worry about it son. Just let God do the judging.) I found it very unfair. How can they insult us like this when in fact it is us who should be doing this to them. I just don’t see the point. I told her that if this happens again, she’d have to call me. I’ll make the move. She insisted her point.

For as long as I can remember, they always looked at us differently from the rest of her grandchildren and family members. Remember when I wrote about an instance where we were having dinner and then grandma told me Ikaw lang ang Fainsan na ganyan. Nakakahiya ka. (You are a shame to this family) This was because of my several peircings on my face and my being gay I guess had something to do with that. I told ger in return, Hayaan mo, pagnakagraduate na ako, magpapapalit ako ng apelyido. Gagawin ko na Fortaleza. (Don’t worry. When I graduate I would change my last name to Fortaleza*) Then I hurriedly went to my room, locked the door and read something.

There was time too when every month we get sacks of rice from dad’s part in the land my grandpa owned. Then came a day when we haven’t received anything. It turned out, they sold dad’s part so their youngest daughter could put up a house in Cavite. We didn’t care. We let it go. Then we knew that our house was a collateral in some transaction grandma did.

Bullshit right? And we weren’t suppose to say anything with regards to that. Not even slap it to my granma’s face which I was so wanting to do during the call with my mom. But I pity grandma. She is losing everything now. Karma is what I would like to call it.

Of course, at the end of the day, I don’t want to see any of my family members, and its extension, losing everything. But if they keep doing this to us, especially my mom, they’ll have to deal with me.

* Fortaleza – Mom’s maiden name which is also my middle name

FOR BHE

2004-12-15T02:20:00.000+01:00

Haven't had enough sleep today. After my shift around 12:30PM earlier, I met up with Jen (from PET) . The three of us (with Emor) watched "One Missed Call" after. I was so sleepy then. All I wanted to do was to just let my eyes shut. But I couldn't. I was inseide the movie house, might as well enjoy what was being shown. The usual Asian horror-flick with a lot of hairs and crazy little kids. A lot of scary eyes too accompanied by a nerve-wrecking sound effect. The movie basically did it's goal - to scare people. I was shocked once or twice but Emor and Jen (I was in between them) were like little kids afraid for the dark, screaming at every turn of the flick. I wasn't that scared though. Maybe I was already numb. I have been watching horror flicks since time immemorial and it would take more than a movie to scare me off. I am not saying that I am this brave gay guy who ain't afraid of the dark. Oh no. Trust me, I am a coward in my own right. Always running away from the dark, form seclusion.

Anyways, Jen slept in my place today. For three hours till my brother woke us up for our shift today. Arrived in Eastwood around 1AM, had dinner, smoked some sticks and then parted. She is stationed in another building from me. Her shift starts the same as mine.

Before Jen and me went home, we had to drop by her place to get some clothes and stuff. We also surfed the internet for about half an hour, just enough to read Bhe's blog. I felt/feel very guilty. It seems like I am the bad guy who is ruining his life or something. I have been leading him on, unconsciously, all this time and it sucks to know that he's hurting so much. I never and will never want him to be hurt. I love that guy no matter how I say I don't wanna get back with him. When I commit, it is not because of sex. It is because I found something in the guy. Bhe is really special to me. And honestly, I have been thinking of trying it again, wondering if it could work. But deep in me I know it'll be a big mistake coz at the end of the day it'll be Marvin whom I truly love. My one and only.

Bhe, if you are reading this I am really really sorry. I hope you understand me no matter how incomprehensible it may seem. I too could not explain it well. I owe you an apology, I owe you a lot. Bhe, I know you've been very hurt and still now your hurting. I can see it in your words. I am really sorry. I want us to be friends, real good friends. I want you to be near me, to be there. This does not mean that you can't go on with your life and look for someone else. I suggest that you do in fact. There are lots of people in this world, in this lifetime. Don't confine yourself to the idea of "us". I am not the one you've been wanting. And you deserve someone as special as you are. Cliche, I know but it is the truth. There's no other way of saying that.

I love you Bhe and goodbye will never come from me.

HE

2004-12-14T04:30:00.000+01:00

I have written on this several times. You might even say this blog is slowly beginning to be about him and not me. I know I promised myself and you that I would move on and forget him, erase him from my thoughts, from this blog. The fact is, I can't. No matter how much I convince myself that he is not worth my time anymore, that he must be forgotten, that he has someone else and that he's happier now with what he has and without me, he still haunts me like a nightmare during childhood when ghosts were cute like Casper and when I wanted to be Peter Pan. The only difference is, now, I want Peter Pan for myself. The one in the recent movie that is.

I hate him and I love him so much. The truth is, I am still in love with him. Am I obsessed? Am I living too much in the past? Am I becoming the type of person I hate?

Before I used to pity my friends who can't seem to move on from their ex's. I used to preach them about looking for other guys and loving once again. I hate them for being so stupid, for being so difficult. Then I concluded things about love. Love is a sugar-coated sex. Love is a bitch. Love is pain. Love is hate, etc. I tried to avoid it. I always say I wasn't ready. But deep inside me I knew I was looking for it. I was hoping that someday someone I really like/love will like me back. But that never happened. Until him. He came when I was on the verge of breaking, of totally hating myself for being so ugly and so ugly and so ugly. He loved me for my ways, or so my pictures. He told me he loved me. I believed him. I let myself fall. And I did fall... too deep.

Now I can't move on from this maelstrom of his memories. I blame myself for being so easy. But I am thankful I was. For being with him was the most prefect moment of my life and without him the saddest.

I miss him so much. And I love him still.

FPJ DIED

2004-12-14T03:48:00.000+01:00

After Yoyong and several typhoons before him, another thing happend that will surely dampen a lot of hearts.

FPJ died.

I wonder what will happen after. I know a lot of FPJ supporters are gonna weep and cry their hearts out when they hear about it. Or maybe they have already heard about it and are doing their weeping over candles with lights being gently swayed by the Christmas wind. It's all over the news. I am sure, for the rest of the week or maybe the holidays, FPJ's death will be the talk of everyone. Somehow it made me sad. Don't ask me why. I too, don't know. All I know is, I have never been a fan. But still I feel sad.

It's amazing how a person can affect so many people. How a person can make people act in certain ways. I wonder if I am the same. If I can affect as much people as FPJ can. Okay, maybe that's being too hopeful. Well, I'll paraphrase it. I wonder if I can affect the people around me, if I can make them act in certain ways. If they will be lonely too if I exit this cruel world.

Death has been my greatest fear. Next are snakes. I don't want to see anybody in my family and those close to me fade away. The mere thought sends me to shivers and tears and to my knees with eyes shut praying to the Lord hoping he'll prevent this from happening. I love my family so much. I may not show it as often as I should or as blatant as one should, but I do. In all sincerety, I do.

Suddenly this talk about family and death makes me want to stop thinking about it. Makes me wanna write about something else, something alive, something tangible.

GOSH

2004-12-10T05:08:00.000+01:00

Gosh.

Did my recertification yesterday after my so-called-non-productive shift and I think I failed, again. Argh! I had to retake a second call and then a guy with this wierd, obviously trying hard to be slang tone. I really had a hard time with the call and both asked me about stuff I did not know. Hayyy... Whatever happens, I am gonna try to be fine. But I can't afford to be jobless. Not this time.

It has been 3 hours since I got here in the office and in my station but I still haven't received any calls yet. I took my first 15-minute break with Rome downstairs, in front of Watsons then drank coffee which tasted more like Milo in the pantry. Something's wrong with the vendo...

I dunno but it hit me earlier while waiting for calls. I still am very much inlove with Marvin. I suddenly have this urge to talk to see him and talk to him... or maybe just see him. I miss him so much. Seems like time could never ever erase what I feel for him. I want to cry but I can't. There are too many people here. Can't let them see I am sad.

Hayyy... This blog is beginning to become a crap. Love and shit! Must find something else to write about. My life ain't getting more interesting everyday. Life sucks. I know.

TRASH

2004-12-07T02:06:00.000+01:00

Trash.

Today, my shift started at 1am and will end at 10am later. I asked MJ if I could go to her place and sleep there and maybe we can go out later. Tomorrow's my day-off so I might meet up with Bhe. That is, if my phone works, which I doubt will happen.

Speaking of my cell phone, it broke down after I accidentally dropped it from my jacket two nights ago when I was exiting our house for work. I was in a hurry and I dunno why but I was. That's me, always in a hurry. I feel like time is gonna ran out soon, I hope not.

Well, I promised Bhe I would meet him when I get my day-off and I intend to meet him. Maybe Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. We're gonna watch National Treasure. Hmmm... I wonder if he has watched it already.

Argh! I have been in the office for about an hour now

BEEN SO BUSY

2004-12-03T04:15:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, I came in to work almost drunk. Or kinda tipsy. You see! I can't even rememer! After the first two calls I so wanted to leave and sleep but I could not. After the shift me, Emor and a couple more (lovers) co-employees went out for lunch and then Emor and I watched Saw. Have you seen it? God! Was it bloody gross. But I liked the movie, nevertheless. It has this impact on me. You know, like living life and actually enjoying it. That was the morale of the movie.
Anyways, I am currently in my workstation doing my jo but since calls are not that many I have time to write this. It has been a while since my last post and I am sure you already miss me. Don't you? Fishing...
Emor has really gotten inlove with D. Really hurts, argh! What could I do? I am gonna be just another friend for him.
I am gonna meet Bhe this weekend if ever I get a day off. I promise him I am gonna treat him dinner or something when I get my first salary. And I miss so much too. I wanna see him again. I don't know. I still love him. I tell him that everytime. Who wouldn't? He's nice, smart and cute. Go Bhe! Luv yah!
God, Yoyong (typhoon), third typhoon in just like two months is totally a big thing. It crippled three MRT (train system) stations and unfortunately, me and Emor was in one of the trains when it got stucked. We waited for like over 30 minutes coz the train stopped between two stations. The driver was so apologetic and kept on repeating these statements saying how sorry he was for the inconvenience and that we could not move because there was no clearance yet from the next station. Hayyy... what a day!!!
******
And by the way, I have received my first month salary from eTel two days ago. Yipeee!

SHIFT'S OVER

2004-11-27T11:34:00.000+01:00

Just finished my shift today. Fortunately, I wasn't late anymore. I still can't get over what happened yesterday. Argh! I can still remember vividly the details and the emotions I have had the very moment I woke up and figured out I was very late.

It's my off today and tomorrow (Sunday and Monday) and I have the same time shift next week except for Tuesday which is my re-certification. And I am wondering how could I go through the certification when I hasn't undergone any retraining. Not that I need it or anything. I think I know pretty well how the system works. But still the coach log states that I should undergo retraining with the same trainer. Apparently she is sick. Well I guess I'll just have to accept that come Tuesday, I'll be leaving eTel for good. Waaa... That is gonna be one big disappointment.

It's really sunny outside and the sun is like kissing you on the face so I think I'll just wait a while here in the lounge and go home around 4 or 5 when it ain't too hot outside. I just hope I find MJ. She told me she'd go see me on the floor after her shift but she didn't. I wonder where she is right now. I think I am gonna look at the other building or maybe she's staying near Fazoli's where her boyfriend works...

Aight! Gotta go... Mwah! I am feeling a bit better now. I received lots of calls today. About 85 call if I remember it right... :)

MY LIFE IN SHIT

2004-11-26T22:01:00.000+01:00

Seems like the heavens and everything is is conspiring to make me miserable. I have been feeling shit because of the failure I had with my job and earlier something really bad happened, again.

Last night I was already here in the office for my 4Am shift, right? It has become a habit to sleep here whenever I have an early morning shift or when my shift ends late in the night.

I WAS LATE!!! for two hours to be exact. I didn't wake up on time. I relied on my phone alarm but somehow I turned it off when it went off. I was awaked by a noisy crowd entering the lounge area and the next thing I knew, fuck! it was already 6 in the morning. I was so panicky. I wanted to send an SMS to my supervisor but I left his number in my notes which was in the locker in the next building. I even decided not to go to work anymore earlier, to just go home and cry and rant at how miserable my life is right now. But I pushed myself to go nonetheless. I would tell my supervisor the truth. I overslept, the next thing to being fired from work.

Fortunately my supervisor was not mad or anything. He just told me to buddy up with somebody, Patrick was his name, for the rest of my shift and that he'll refer me to another supervisor coz his shift was almost over. I was really apologetic. It was my fault. Who else could it be?

With that the next supervisor told me that I was gonna be on half-day which means half-pay for the day. I said it was alright and that it was really my fault. But I still worked six hours with a one 15-minute break and an hour break for lunch. Went straight to Up come 1PM and met up with my orgmates. Somehow, I was relieved to see familiar faces, again. The ones I was with in college. I was, for a moment, back to my happy-go-lucky self, making jokes and funny remarks.

But deep inside I am very disappointed with myself. How could I let this happen? I thought I have the skills, the confidence (slight), and the brains to pull this off. But I thought wrong.

This makes me really really really sad... :(

I AM A TOTAL FAILURE

2004-11-25T15:16:00.000+01:00

First with Emor and then with work. Argh! I am a total failure!

I woke up around 3AM earlier for my 4AM shift. I had my caffiene and nicotine shots and headed straight to the CitiBank building where my program is. When I entered the office AJ was already there sitting in one of the cubicles reading emails. I asked him what was new and he told me we had a new schedule for Saturday and Sunday. And also, the certification results were also released already and were emailed to the whole class. So I hurriedly opened mine in one of the computers just behind AJ, basically excited. But Microsoft Outlook had to install and I was already so fired up with what to read that I asked AJ if I could read the email from his computer since we were sent the same thing. When I read the certification results, I was stunned. I DID NOT PASS! Three of us didn't actually.

Because of that I could not take in calls for the day, or so I thought. I had to buddy up with a tenured CSA (costumer service associate) and also my TL(training leader I ain't sure this is my immediate supervisor) had to coach me for my AFIs (areas for improvement a subtle way of saying you suck). Pardon me for the jargons. I had to do buddy-ups till the certification next week on the 30th which is also the payday. So I got really disappointed and felt shit about myself. But I also had to compose myself coz I didn't want AJ to know I was feeling that way. I was almost teary-eyed but I kept it to myself.

I emailed everyone about my situation so they won't ask me or tell me about it anymore. Basically, I was hoping that they'll just drop the topic and leave it at that.

The coaching went nice since Alvin, my TL was really supportive and nice. He told me about my mark-downs or AFIs and how to improve them. After that I had to return buddying up with a tenured CSA but the CSA had break so I had to buddy-up with AJ.

I was beginning to feel okay about it especiallly that I was allowed to take in calls later in my shift. It went pretty well actually. I had like 13 calls and I think I gave them what they needed. Except for one call where I forgot to ask the costumer's name because the amount he was presenting was really huge and I didn not follow the correct procedure. The TL (another one) had to barge in after my call and ask about what was wrong with the call.

After my shift I headed up to the 20th floor where I found MJ lying on the couch asleep. I woke her up and asked her if she wanted to smoke which we did. We also ate at McDonalds and talked about problems, basically financial. You see I owe a friend 1,500 bucks and my cousin 700 bucks already. And was she. And we were so thankful that our payday would be next week already. Finally I can buy things for myself and I can pay all the money I owe.

Then MJ told me about our other co-trainees who were "forced leave." What the hell was that? It's another way of saying that you ain't good enough for this company so might as well leave! I started worrying about my status here because those people who were supposedly on leave also did not pass the first certification and the second one. What if I don't pass the second one? What if the re-certification is just a way to prolong the agony and put me in false hopes? What if I ain't good enough for this company? What if...? I was teary-eyed, worried and very confused. I wanted to shout but I couldn't, not with all those people around. MJ was very supportive. She even assured me that if I fail and was asked to leave the company she will get drunk with me. You see, she stopped drinking years ago and she swore never to again. She also told me that if I don't pass, she will also quit so we could look for another call center, together.

I was touched but at the same time guilty. I do not want her to worry that much about me. I don't want to drag her with me to my doom. That will be so unfair. She worked hard to pass and she can't just leave that behind because of me... just because of me... just because of a stupid Ian who couldn't even make a simple mock call right!

Now I am so worried. I am beginning to resign myslef to not being able to pass the recertification so it won't hurt when the time comes, which is like three days from now.

Goodbye everyone in eTel. Had fun while it lasted.

MY INNER AGE

2004-11-24T23:34:00.000+01:00

My Inner Age

SWEET TEEN!!! Yes you are a teenager mmmm from 13
- 19 quite a little rebel haha just kidding...
You think as a teenager, you see everything
quite simple, soon you will realize it is not
that simple. In my opinion you look at things
in a very beautiful way. =)

******

I just got back from drinking a bottle of Red Horse beer. I still can't sleep so I am back again trying to find a quiz at quizilla that are interesting. But I can't find anything else besides the one posted above. Hmmm... I must not stay long in this computer. I think people are already mumbling about my being so computer-abusive or something. I am just trying to make the most out of the company's free stuff, free-internet included. Hahahaha... Better find another way to get sleepy next time. Beer ain't working, figures. Maybe I'll just lie on the lazy boy and try to relax. Maybe then I'll be able to sleep. Waaaa.... What am I posting recently? This blog is full of bullshits already. Gotta get myself together and talk about something else besides love, hate and shit... Waaaa....

ENOUGH OF HIM... for now

2004-11-24T21:32:00.000+01:00

Shift starts at 4AM tomorrow and I am already here in the office... alone. Emor's shift is now different from mine. I kinda miss him when I should not. That pact I made with him keeps coming back whenever I remember him or somebody mentions his name. Emor and I are gonna be friends, just friends. Part of me want to end that friendship now, another wants to keep holding in hope that someday, he'll find it in his heart to finally love me just the way I love him. Oh, I ain't even sure if this is love I am feeling for him. Argh! This is confusing, don't you think?

Last night I had a bottle of beer with him... again. This drinking after work is becoming a habit. I just hope I won't have a beer belly. Not my tummy... this is the only thing about my body I like, and most people like it too.

Enough of him... for now.

******

Later will be the real thing. I will be receiving calls from costumers. I am kinda afraid, nervous and unsure. I can't say I know all the systems and the processes yet. Especially with some complicated stuff. *sigh

Of course, Emor's not gonne be there. Ooops... not again... Sorry about that. No Emor now, promise. I am gonna be stuck with AJ (an officemate) who doesn't smoke. I can already imagine those 15 minute yosi breaks and lunch breaks. Argh! Alone.

******

What should I do? I am too early for work... as in TOO EARLY. I ain't sleepy yet and I don't have anybody to talk to. I might go crazy like this. I texted MJ earlier asking her to go here early for her shift but she hasn't replied yet. I also texted Patrick but he ain't replying too. Where are the people when you need them? Argh!

So I am thinking of getting drunk... err... not too drunk. I have work still and the guards might not let me in if they smell or see that I am drunk. They can be very strict you know. And one of the company's policies for employees is "employees must not intake alcohol of any amount before their shift." Few times I came for work with an alcohol in my system but you know me, I can carry myself well even when I am drunk.

Which reminds of the day I first got really drunk. It was a birthday party of a friend (more like past friend). I got really drunk to the point that I vomited all over the place. Ewww. that was really disgusting...

******

Okay. I have decided. I am gonna drink a couple of beers. Just to make me sleep. Wish me luck! :)

A PACT WITH EMOR

2004-11-23T01:58:00.000+01:00

Emor and I had just a pact over a bottle of Red Horse beer. We will never sleep with each other nor will have anything that's gonna happen between us. A slap on my face and what's left of my hope went down the drain. Sucks! Finally it's confirmed. He doesn't like me... at all.

******

Just had my certification. I ain't sure if I passed it. I hope I did. Don't wanna be transferred to another program and then learn new systems again. That's gonna be information overload. Tomorrow's gonna be my comprehensive exam. My hopes are high. It's open notes and system so I need not study nor bother about it. But I am sure I will go frantic about it tomorrow. We'll just have to see.

******

More posts tomorrow. That is if I wake up early later. My head's kinda spinning already. Gotta rest people!

RIDDLER REVEALS | Moving On?

2004-11-21T13:43:00.000+01:00

I have read Bhe's recent posts. They're quite me, if you know what I mean. Almost 90% of the posts has something to do with me - he still loves me; he wants to forget me then suddenly decides not to; he loves me still and he loves me still. Ooops, I said that three times. Ahehehe. I do understand how he feels. Been there, done that. But like I say everytime, he must learn to move on, find someone else and have fun. He's still young and looking for something that would last forever is kinda suicidal. I just hope these rejections and heartaches don't get into him... not even the idea.

I do love him still. And that's genuinely true (redundancy for emphasis).

We were texting each other last night. He told me he was on his way to Laguna with his online buddies (Bobong books, is that it?). I think that is good. he must learn to enjoy, to have fun. And that was a big leap in fact.

******

Ohhh... I already started receiving actual calls in work. Ha! I was really nervous that I always ended up stuttering and I keep forgetting the buttons and the numbers ( I'm not really good with numbers) and everything. But after the shift I felt happy that I did that. That I was able to help most of my costumers. That the shift was over, finally.

I hope the certification tomorrow goes my way.

HANG-OVER

2004-11-20T16:26:00.000+01:00

Argh. I think I have had too much a drink last night. Six bottles of San Mig Strong Ice. Wheew... When I woke up earlier (in eTel lounge) my head was like gonna explode. I didn't want to stand and get up yet but Emor was insiting. Can't blame him though. He has a class today.

I got home around noon and then I took a nap that lasted for like 30minutes coz I really couldn't sleep with my head spinning. I remember seeing the ceiling moving too. Am I hallucinating? Good thing my brother cooked lunch today. Quite unusual actually. He never cook lunch before. We had a fried bangus. Yummy. And my cuz was there too watching his favorite Laban o Bawi and after that played PS2.

I also took a different route going here today. I took a jeepney to UP and then another one to Katipunan and then another one to Marikina River Bank and then finally another jeepney to Libis. The fare was pretty much the same compared to my usual route. But this one is faster. But knowing me, as usual, I am ahead of time. Arrived here at 3:30PM, had coffee in the pantry and my nicotine shot in the smoking area.

And by the way, I have seen three cute guys today. Hahaha... Yummy people. I wonder if they're gay. Hmmm....

Hmmm... I don't wanna comment about Emor anymore. His occupying too much space in my blog already. And for what? NOTHING! I am gonna try not to write about him here. Gonna try hard.

DAY OFF SUCKS

2004-11-18T11:45:00.000+01:00

Today's my day off from work. I hate having days like this - idle ones. I don't know what else to do. It's like I am so unproductive. Of course, as always, I am gonan do my laundry and later in the afternoon I am gonna take care of my brgy. clearance which I need to be able to get my salary through an ATM. Though today might seem all packed up but still... it's just that I hate staying home. I am not even sleepy. Last night's shift ended at 11PM and right after Emor and I went out to have a couple of drinks and then we went back to the office and slept in the lounge. Woke up around 8 earlier.

Speaking of Emor and work, we won't be in the same team, as I was expecting. I am gonna be paired with AJ (straight guy). I am really sad because I would have wanted it that we belong in the same team. The worst part is, he is gonna in the same team with Mr.D! Jealousy is all over my face. Argh! But I have already decided. I won't go for Emor anymore. He doesn't like me, I am now sure of that.

Maybe this is not a bad thing after all. If I don't see him everyday, maybe what I feel will fade away. That always work right?

Hayy...

I KISSED MARVIN LAST NIGHT...

2004-11-17T12:48:00.000+01:00

Haven't got enough sleep. Argh! My head's spinning. Haven't eaten lunch yet coz my apetite left me hours ago. Talk about life!

So I am two hours early to work as usual. I was planning to eat lunch atb Top and Tables but like I said, I lost m,y apetite. On my way here I got myself a Pepsi cola. Maybe that's why I don't feel hungry anymore. I guess I'd have to eat something on my way to CitiBank (my office building).

***

Marvin said he has moved on. That hurt. It hates when you can't control what's happening around you. Especially with relationships, with the ones you love. (Bhe can relate to this I suppose. My fault.) One minute they're there and the next minute they'll break up with you through an email. Argh! With Marvin, I hate it that he has moved on as swiftly as the wind that touches every one of us, leaving tears in our eyes and a tint of pain inside. He has/had moved my world in a way that nobody ever did before. He woke me up from my false beliefs against love then after two and a half months, punched me back to sleep.

Why does it have to be this way? I am sure you have asked that question before. It maybe not because of heartache but of something else. The truth is, I don't know either. There is no way to know the truth. Pain and suffering are part of the grand design of life. If only we could play God for even a minute. If ever we could get ourselves into a time capusle and fly our way back to the past, change everything our way. But we can't. We just can't. All we could do is hope and pray to the heavens that tomorrow will bring us happiness and joy, to hope that tomorrow, a beautiful guy (someone we can actually love and spend forever with) will nudge us from behind and say, "I think I found the one."

Ahhhh... What am I saying? Again?! I have heard this a zillion times already... from me.

I dreamt of Marvin last night. With his new haircut (more like hairless) and his beautiful smile. We kissed and hugged each other tight. And I told him how I miss him, how I still love him. Then... I woke up. It was already 5 in the morning. Time to go home.